Worst Song Ever

[Djmac1031]

@EmilyMiller 's thread that went off on a tangent about the song "I've Never Been To Me" got me thinking about bad songs.

A badly written song can be just as painful as a badly written story.

Jarring, badly worded lyrics, terrible rhymes, horrible messages, or just plain stupid nonsense that makes your ears bleed and brain hemorrhage.

I have one to kick it off:

"Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"

At first listen, it's a harmless enough little pop tune with a catchy, sing along chorus.

But then you start to delve into the actual lyrics and meaning.

And it all falls apart.

So the narrator has "been together too long" with his "old lady."

He finds a personal ad in the paper, placed by a woman, responds to it, sets up a meeting, only to find out the ad was placed by his wife, who was bored with him too and looking to cheat with someone else.

They laugh when they recognize each other, and wind up reconciling, discussing how they never realized they were into the same things.

Cute on the surface but in reality, it's a badly written LW tale.

In reality, that story doesn't end with a chuckle over Pina Coladas.

It ends with divorce papers.

Plus, how the hell was this guy with this woman so long yet never knew she liked Pina Coladas?

She never ONCE ordered one when they went out to dinner, or mentioned her fondness of them?

Never sent him to the liquor store to pick up the ingredients?

And I'm sorry, but no one loves "making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape."

They love the IDEA of it, sure.

But the REALITY of it is a gritty mess of sand and bodily fluids that makes me cringe just thinking about it.

I could go on but you get the point.

I have others I'll save for later. Maybe one of you will get to them first.

 

[Fatdog25]

"Brand New Key" - Melanie
"Tiptoe Thru The Tulips" - Tiny Tim

Now I'll be singing this shit to myself for the rest of the day

 

[Bdm20]

And I'm sorry, but no one loves "making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape."

They love the IDEA of it, sure.

But the REALITY of it is a gritty mess of sand and bodily fluids that makes me cringe just thinking about it.

Try using a large beach blanket next time. It’s quite enjoyable.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Everybody get up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey (Uh)
Hey, hey, hey (Ha-ha!) (Woo!)
Tune me up
If you can't hear what I'm trying to say (Hey girl, come here!)
If you can't read from the same page (Hey)
Maybe I'm going deaf (Hey, hey, hey)
Maybe I'm going blind (Hey, hey, hey)
Maybe I'm out of my mind, mind (Hey, hey, hey)
Okay, now he was close
Tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal
Baby, it's in your nature (Meow)
Just let me liberate you (Hey, hey, hey)
You don't need no takers (Hey, hey, hey)
That man is not your maker (Hey, hey, hey)
And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl (Everybody get up)
I know you want it (Hey)
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl (Hey, hey)
Can't let it get past me (Oh yeah)
You're far from plastic (Alright)
Talkin' 'bout getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it (Hey)
I know you want it (Oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah-yeah)
I know you want it
But you're a good girl (Ah, hey)
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty (Ah, hey, hey)
Go ahead, get at me (Everybody get up) (Come on!)
What do they make dreams for
When you got them jeans on? (Why?)
What do we need steam for?
You the hottest bitch in this place
I feel so lucky (Hey, hey, hey)
You wanna hug me (Hey, hey, hey)
What rhymes with hug me? (Hey, hey, hey)
Hey! (Everybody get up)
Okay, now he was close
Tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal
Baby, it's in your nature (Uh-huh)
Just let me liberate you (Hey, hey, hey) (Uh-huh)
You don't need no takers (Hey, hey, hey) (Uh-huh)
That man is not your maker (Hey, hey, hey) (Uh-huh)
And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl (Everybody get up)
I know you want it
I know you want it (Hey)
I know you want it
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me (Hey)
You're far from plastic (Oh)
Talkin' 'bout getting blasted (Everybody get up)
I hate these blurred lines (Hate them lines)
I know you want it (I hate them lines)
I know you want it (I hate them lines)
I know you want it
But you're a good girl (Good girl)
The way you grab me (Hustle Gang, homie)
Must wanna get nasty (Let go) (I say Rob)
Go ahead, get at me (Let me holla at 'em real quick)
One thing I ask of you
Let me be the one you back that ass up to (Come on!)
Go from Malibu to Paris, boo (Yeah)
Had a bitch, but she ain't bad as you (Uh-uh, ayy)
So, hit me up when you pass through (Oh)
I'll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two
Swag on 'em even when you dress casual
I mean, it's almost unbearable (Hey, hey, hey!) (Everybody get up)
In a hundred years not dare would I
Pull a Pharcyde, let you pass me by
Nothin' like your last guy, he too square for you
He don't smack that ass and pull your hair like that (You like it)
So I'm just watchin' and waitin'
For you to salute the true big pimpin'
Not many women can refuse this pimpin'
I'm a nice guy, but don't get it confused, get pimpin' (Everybody get up)
Shake your rump
Get down, get up
Do it like it hurt, like it hurt
What, you don't like work?
Hey! (Everybody get up)
Baby, can you breathe?
I got this from Jamaica
It always works for me
Dakota to Decatur (Uh-huh)
No more pretending (Hey, hey, hey) (Uh-huh)
'Cause now you're winning (Hey, hey, hey) (Uh-huh)
Here's our beginning (Hey, hey, hey) (Uh-huh)
I always wanted
You're a good girl (Everybody get up)
I know you want it (Hey)
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me (Oh yeah)
You're far from plastic (Alright)
Talkin' 'bout getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines (Everybody get up)
I know you want it (Hey)
I know you want it (Oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah-yeah)
I know you want it
But you're a good girl (Ah, hey)
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty (Ah, hey, hey)
Go ahead, get at me
Everybody get up
Everybody get up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey

That man-boy needs chemical castration.

Or let me at him restrained and I’ll give him something big enough to tear his fucking lily white ass in two.

Em

 

[MillieDynamite]

Being black, I should like Funky Cold Medina by Tone Loc; it should be a favorite. It isn't. Running a close second to me is, Who Let the Dogs Out by Baha Men. Though, like Sherlock in Elementary, I'm curious for the mystery to be solved so there is no more need to ponder the question.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Being black, I should like Funky Cold Medina by Tone Loc should be a favorite. It isn't. Running a close second to me, Who Let the Dogs Out by Baha Men. Though, like Sherlock in Elementary, I'm curious for the mystery to be solved so there is no more need to ponder the question.

Ah! The curious incident of the dogs let out in the night-time, if I am not much mistaken.

Em

 

[MillieDynamite]

Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who, who?
Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who, who?
Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who, who?
Who let the dogs out?
Well, the party was nice, the party was pumpin'
Yippie yi yo
And everybody havin' a ball
Yippie yi yo
I tell the fellas start the name callin'
Yippie yi yo
And the girls respond to the call
I heard a woman shout out
Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who, who?
Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who, who?

Such thought-provoking poetry, such use of measured repetitions. Somebody tell the bitch, so she'll shut the fuck up! Sometimes, when this comes up in my 80s channel rotation, I don't immediately turn the channel so I can be reminded how much I hate the song. But Funky Cold Medina is switched as soon as Tone opens his mouth and before he completes his first word.

 

[EmilyMiller]

Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who, who?
Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who, who?
Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who, who?
Who let the dogs out?
Well, the party was nice, the party was pumpin'
Yippie yi yo
And everybody havin' a ball
Yippie yi yo
I tell the fellas start the name callin'
Yippie yi yo
And the girls respond to the call
I heard a woman shout out
Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who, who?
Who let the dogs out?
Who, who, who, who, who?

Such thought-provoking poetry, such use of measured repetitions. Somebody tell the bitch, so she'll shut the fuck up!

Channeling Sylvia Plath.

Em

 

[Djmac1031]

Good Morning Starshine - Oliver.

You can almost smell the patchouli oil reeking through this song.

A shining example that getting high doesn't automatically lead to inspired lyrics:

Good mornin', starshine
The Earth says, "Hello"
You twinkle above us
We twinkle below
Good mornin', starshine
You lead us along
My love and me as we singing
Our early mornin' singin' song
Gliddy glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy la, la, la, lo, lo
Sabba sibby sabba, nooby abba nabba, le, le, lo, lo
Tooby ooby walla, nooby abba naba
Early mornin' singin' song
Good mornin', starshine
There's love in your skies
Reflecting the sunlight
In my lover's eyes
Good mornin', starshine
So happy to be
My love and me as we singing
Our early mornin' singin' song
Gliddy glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy la, la, la, lo, lo
Sabba sibby sabba, nooby abba nabba, le, le, lo, lo
Tooby ooby walla, nooby abba naba
Early mornin' singin' song
Can you hear me singin' a song, lovin' a song, singin' a song
Lovin' a song, laughin' a song, singin' a song
Sing a song, song a sing, song, song, song, sing
Sing, sing, sing song
Song, song, song sing, sing, sing, sing song
Sing, sing, song, sing a song
Yeah, you can sing, sing, sing song, sing a song
Sing, sing, song, sing a song
Sing

 

[gunhilltrain]

I'm not sure if this Killdozer version of American Pie is supposed to be a deliberately bad satire (they've done such things) or if it is just their weird tribute to the original. The original was certainly in heavy rotation until it was played to death. Yeah, I know, the Confederate Flag. Are they kidding around about that too? Maybe it's all both a satire and a straight cover.

 

[onehitwanda]

Coming at this in my usual orthogonal way: Tears in Heaven

 

[Djmac1031]

Coming at this in my usual orthogonal way: Tears in Heaven

Did we just become best friends...?

 

[Bdm20]

Clapton’s version of I Shot The Sheriff

 

[Djmac1031]

I'm not sure if this Killdozer version of American Pie is supposed to be a deliberately bad satire (they've done such things) or if it is just their weird tribute to the original. The original was certainly in heavy rotation until it was played to death. Yeah, I know, the Confederate Flag. Are they kidding around about that too? Maybe it's all both a satire and a straight cover.

That reminds me of the cover of Behind Blue Eyes from Limp Bizkit.

In that after hearing that blasphemous version, I never wanna hear it again.

 

[gunhilltrain]

"Brand New Key" - Melanie
"Tiptoe Thru The Tulips" - Tiny Tim

Now I'll be singing this shit to myself for the rest of the day

I actually like "Brand New Key" for its unabashed references to - ah, let's call it young people's sexuality. (Wouldn't make it as a Lit story.) The woman in the video is older than she is pretending to be. (According to the notes below, she is not actually Melanie.) I wonder if that guy is her real-life boyfriend. In any case, neither one of them looks like that after fifty years or so.

 

[Smuttyandfun]

Walk Like an Egytian is like nails on a blackboard. When it comes on the radio at the office, I find somewhere else to be.

 

[Fatdog25]

I actually like "Brand New Key" for its unabashed references to - ah, let's call it young people's sexuality. (Wouldn't make it as a Lit story.) The woman in the video is older than she is pretending to be. (According to the notes below, she is not actually Melanie.) I wonder if that guy is her real-life boyfriend. In any case, neither one of them looks like that after fifty years or so.

It wasn't the reference to young love that got to me, it was that...that...voice.

And now, for some strange reason, my ankles are killing me

 

[SyleusSnow]

The 70s had so many great songs and so much vomit-inducing cringe.

I humbly submit that "Telephone man" by Meri Wilson is at least in the top ten of the worst:

I rented my apartment
On a Monday at one
A-singin' do lolly, lolly
Shicky bum, shicky bum

Started movin' in it
On a Tuesday at two
A-singin' do lolly, lolly
Shicky do, shicky do

Wednesday at three
I called the phone company, singin'
Hey baby, put a phone in for me

Thursday at four
He came a-knockin' at my door, singin'

Hey, baby, I'm your telephone man
You just show me where you want it
And I'll put it where I can
I can put it in the bedroom
I can put it in the hall
I can put it in the bathroom
I can hang it on the wall

You can have it with the buzz
You can have it with the ring
And if you really want it
You can have a ding-a-ling
Because-a hey baby
I'm your telephone man
You might also like

Can you believe that?
And then he says
Now when other fellas call ya
Tell 'em how it all began
Well, can you imagine?

My heart began a-thumpin'
And my mind began to fly
And I knew I wasn't dealin'
With no ordinary guy

So while he was a-talking
I was thinkin' up my plan
Then my fingers did the walkin'
On the telephone man

Singin hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Get it any way you can
Right? Ha, ha, ha, so

I got it in the bedroom
And I got it in the hall
And I got it in the bathroom
And he hung it on the wall

I got it with a buzz
And I got it with a ring
And when he told me
What my number was
I got a ding-a-ling

A-singin hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Hey lolly, lolly
Just-a doin' my thing

Ha, ha...I've never done anything
Like this before

 

[Trubbycat]

Hocus Pocus by Focus

 

[onehitwanda]

Walk Like an Egytian is like nails on a blackboard. When it comes on the radio at the office, I find somewhere else to be.

Oh, I've got a far better version for you.


The lower 'natomy
Is very wobbly.
But when it's stimulated
(Who-ah-oh)
It is easily manipulated.

Oh God! It's going up now,
Whey-oh-hey-oh-whey-oh...

Walk with an erection.
(Dum da dum da dum)
Walk with an erection.



We used to sing this in the sailing club at varsity. Sigh. Simpler times

 

[gunhilltrain]

That reminds me of the cover of Behind Blue Eyes from Limp Bizkit.

In that after hearing that blasphemous version, I never wanna hear it again.

Well, let's see what we've got. I think Limp Bizkit was trying to do it straight, but I'm not sure if they are that great as a band. The Who version strikes me as a bit melodramatic, but they don't care a bit about what I think of them.

Some bands are now releasing these animated lyrics videos.

 

[alohadave]

While musically a good song, "Every Breath You Take" is about a stalker, and people play that at their weddings.

I've always found Enrique Iglesias' "Finally Found You" to be really stalkerish if you pay attention to the lyrics.

You know I'm gon' get ya, yeah
Whatever it takes to get there
No, I won't drop you
Like everybody else does
Forget about your friends they don't care where we go
If they do, we'll get lost in a crowd of people
I've been looking for you forever baby we go
Together baby we go, we go
In this crazy world of choices I've only got a few
Either you're coming with me, or I'm coming with you
'Cause I finally found, I finally found you
You never have to worry if what I say is true
Girl, I've been looking for you
And when I saw you I knew, that I finally found,
I finally found you
I'm coming I'll get ya, yeah
We have a connection, that's right
'Cause girl I'm not letting go
I'm gonna make you feel right, oh yea
Forget about your friends they don't care where we go
If they do, we'll get lost in a crowd of people
I've been looking for you forever baby we go
Together baby we go, we go
In this crazy world of choices I've only got a few
Either you're coming with me, or I'm coming with you
'Cause I finally found, I finally found you
You never have to worry if what I say is true
Girl, I've been looking for you
And when I saw you I knew that I finally found,
I finally found you
I finally found, I finally found you
Okay, so can I get love?
Too much to ask for, really so tough
Find yourself moving with sex of the drums
Got my hands full, grabbin' all these girls, girls
Hands up, hands up, dance floor chillin' while I hold two cups
Can't stop spilling, 'cause I'm drunk as fuck
And my song comes on, and the club goes nuts
Every time the side goes, seems to ya sleep, best that to ya know
Running around, and doing all these shows
Round the whole globe, I come, and you go girl
And you need to think of it
Just wrap for the night, baby live a bit
With a place to hit, and your pants to zip
You can make a scene and party, are you into it
In this crazy world of choices I've only got a few
Either you're coming with me, or I'm coming with you
'Cause I finally found, I finally found you
Finally finally finally found you
Finally finally finally found
Finally found, I finally found you
You know I'm gon' get ya, yeah

And if you play "You Are My Sunshine" in a minor key, it sounds really threatening. (But it's a great rendition, my favorite version of the song)

 

[Djmac1031]

And if you play "You Are My Sunshine" in a minor key, it sounds really threatening. (But it's a great rendition, my favorite version of the song)

"Please don't take my sunshine away...OR ELSE."

 

[SimonDoom]

Coming at this in my usual orthogonal way: Tears in Heaven

That's a good choice. Google Anthony Jeselnik & Eric Clapton. He actually has a comedy routine about this.

 

[SimonDoom]

This is a hard one, because some "bad" songs have a fun, novelty "they're so bad they're good" quality. I grew up in the 70s, and that decade was filled with songs that fit this bill, like Kung Fu Fighting or Convoy. I would put some of the songs listed so far in that category.

Terry Jacks' Seasons in the Sun has always been, for me, an unredeemably bad, cringe-inducing song. It's about somebody who dies, which is bad enough, but it's sung with unbearable pathos by a singer whose voice makes me want to shoot puppies.