Wife suggested mistress

[jraymond]

I have been extremely horny. I can go daily if I could. My wife is fine with 1-2 a week. She off handedly suggested I get a mistress. I didn't dig deep on that one with her, but think that would be a recipe disaster with our marriage. I would love to get her sex drive up with mine, but don't think having a mistress is wise.
Thoughts?

 

[alwaystheguy1983]

I have been extremely horny. I can go daily if I could. My wife is fine with 1-2 a week. She off handedly suggested I get a mistress. I didn't dig deep on that one with her, but think that would be a recipe disaster with our marriage. I would love to get her sex drive up with mine, but don't think having a mistress is wise.
Thoughts?

Well that is a multi part conversation.

 

[Not Normal]

You could discuss what she is comfortable with, but between the two of you, and what would work for you having an additional partner. It can be quite satisfying having 2 different regular partners. If you can she can come to terms on how it is to be handled, and you stick to the agreement it might be a great solution.

 

[Rainblow]

Sounds like sex with you is a chore so she's outsourcing.

 

[Yarglenurp]

It’s a trap

 

[girlsmiley]

I have been extremely horny. I can go daily if I could. My wife is fine with 1-2 a week. She off handedly suggested I get a mistress. I didn't dig deep on that one with her, but think that would be a recipe disaster with our marriage. I would love to get her sex drive up with mine, but don't think having a mistress is wise.
Thoughts?

Egotists always seem to delude themselves into believing that an open marriage is a great idea. Be so for real. If it was an offhand remark, why even entertain the thought? Are you suicidal?

Don’t think with your cock. The husband ends up single, while the wife has a whole list of men who will happily fuck her. That’s the reality.

 

[Britva415]

It's one trap, but even without falling for that one, you're already in another trap, @jraymond

She's not into you.

What does that mean for your marriage?

If there's a risk to it, then, doubling down on the risk by going extramarital - especially with your wife's knowledge - could really fuck you if the marriage doesn't last.

I don't know whether your wife is Machiavellian enough to set you up that way in advance of filing, but I've seen it done before.

I didn't dig deep on that one with her, but think that would be a recipe disaster with our marriage.

You need to talk to her. This isn't about an extramarital mistress at all. I think it sounds like the disaster is already here, and you just aren't seeing it yet.

I could be wrong.

 

[jraymond]

I'm starting to think I posted too quick/soon.

 

[LMWM321]

I'm surprised by some or the replies.

I would NOT move forward w/ questions about a non-monogamy agreement without a clear understanding of what she meant. What if she was just joking or maybe momentarily frustrated with the timing of your request for sex? If she didn't really mean it and you reveal you're interested in fucking other women you may be causing a lifelong fault line in your relationship.

The answer is simple. ..Ask her what she meant by her remark and then listen.

And not to shame someone with a high sex drive (I also have one) but you being able to "go daily" and your wife wanting sex 2x/ week is hardly a desire discrepancy worthy of blowing up your marriage. Heck, most people here at Lit would love a partner who enjoys sex 2x week. Couldn't you just jerk off a bit more?

My comment might surprise those who've read my stories and posts - as they know, I'm all for ENM... But not to simply make up for a smallish desire discrepancy. I see it working only in very long-standing loving relationships when there is a mutual desire is to occasionally experience sex with other people. I don't see it working when the situation is: "hey, I want sex 7 times/week, you want it 2... Can I go trolling for other women the other 5 days?"

 

[Britva415]

you being able to "go daily" and your wife wanting sex 2x/ week is hardly a desire discrepancy worthy of blowing up your marriage

It doesn't sound like the wife does want it 2x/week. It sounds like she's been willing to put up with that for a long time and is looking to stop having to.

I think OP should come right out and ask her about this. It seems important to know if she's been faking desire for a long time, and really isn't into 1-2x/week.

 

[LMWM321]

I think OP should come right out and ask her about this. It seems important to know if she's been faking desire for a long time, and really isn't into 1-2x/week.

my take on that is any woman who is having sex 2x/ wk despite NOT desiring it deserves a medal - she is being incredibly generous and is probably doing it out of love for her partner and dedication to her marriage. And I feel bad for her. I can't imagine having a dick shoved in me 2x/ week when I'm NOT enjoying it.

Rather than asking if it's cool to seek add'l sex elsewhere maybe he should focus on being a better lover to his wife. If she's NOT enjoying their 2x/week, what can he do to change that... make it more pleasurable for her? Doing that could result in more sex, or not. But even if it's just better, more mutually enjoyed sex, that's a HUGE gain. Again.. most people here on Lit would love having a partner who will eagerly have sex that often.

And where - apart from of a sex worker - does the OP think he'll find an unattached woman whose interested in providing a married man w/ NSA sex 3 or more times a week?

 

[Britva415]

any woman who is having sex 2x/ wk despite NOT desiring it deserves a medal - she is being incredibly generous and is probably doing it out of love for her partner and dedication to her marriage

I"m sure you're right. I wasn't saying anything bad about her.

But having sex with someone who's not into it is no fun for me. I couldn't speak for OP. A generous wife who's only doing it for the partner's sake is not the kind of partner I'd even want sex with. Duty-sex is just barely this side of pity-sex. What an unmitigated turn-off. This is why I think he should find out what's going on with her.

For me, if it were "generosity" sex rather than enthusiastic-but-infrequent, I would know it. I could tell. I don't know whether OP already has a sense that the sex is one-sided, or, if he can't tell, or if it really is enthusiastic mutually-enjoyable sex and frequency really is the only mis-match going on.

But once someone knows their partner isn't into the sex and isn't having fun and is interested in not doing it, wouldn't that spoil their enjoying what sex the partner is begrudgingly willing to provide, from then on? Wouldn't that ruin it?

So does that mean that asking and finding out has the risk of possibly ruining it? No, because if it's already ruined but only one of the partners knows it, then, finding out doesn't change anything, except for knowing instead of not-knowing.

Rather than asking if it's cool to seek add'l sex elsewhere maybe he should focus

He wasn't asking for that, and I wasn't suggesting he do. She suggested it, I think he should find out why.

I think pretending she never said it would be a mistake.

Maybe it's not about add'l sex, maybe she wants him to get all his sex elsewhere. Wouldn't a guy want to know?

If she's NOT enjoying their 2x/week, what can he do to change that... make it more pleasurable for her? Doing that could result in more sex, or not. But even if it's just better, more mutually enjoyed sex, that's a HUGE gain. Again.. most people here on Lit would love having a partner who will eagerly have sex that often.

Agreed. He could also find out this won't work. Of course it's worth making the effort. If she's already checked-out, sexually, there's no guarantee she'll want to again.

Hell, maybe she's found someone else, herself. Or maybe menopause has permanently changed her relationship with sex and she doesn't want it at all anymore, with him or with anyone.

where - apart from of a sex worker - does the OP think he'll find an unattached woman whose interested in providing a married man w/ NSA sex 3 or more times a week?

I didn't get the impression he thinks he will. He was just reporting what his appetite is and how that (apparently) caused his wife to say something radical.

I'm positive that she doesn't realistically think he'll find such a thing either - but she said it anyway.

When a person stops being into sex with their partner, it's generally over. "Becoming a better lover" isn't the kind of success story I've heard very often, as far as restoring the thrill to both sides. It could happen and it isn't a bad suggestion, but I'm personally not very confident this couple will get it back - if I'm right and it's true that she's not into him. I could be wrong.

 

[SevMax2]

I'm sure that far more often than many men realize, when she's lost interest in you, she's found it in someone else. She might be suggesting this to assuage her guilt. I would suggest prying a bit to find out if she's getting her needs met elsewhere.

 

[LMWM321]

When a person stops being into sex with their partner, it's generally over. "Becoming a better lover" isn't the kind of success story I've heard very often, as far as restoring the thrill to both sides. It could happen and it isn't a bad suggestion, but I'm personally not very confident this couple will get it back - if I'm right and it's true that she's not into him. I could be wrong.

There are many points in your thoughtful reply I agree with.... But not the above. To my thinking, it's simply not true. I've written at length here on Lit (see link below) about my wife's struggles with menopause and how it initially crushed our intimacy. For quite some time my wife avoided sex or offered/ agreed to it simply because she loved me and knew it was important for us as a couple. It took a while before I caught on but once I did and discussed it with her doctor and we attended sex therapy, our sex life came back - indeed, we both agree that, in many ways, sex is better now than ever before.

Menopause presents new challenges for a mutually enjoyable sex life but it does NOT mean the end of good sex unless you allow it to.

My wife's struggle w/ menopause

 

[Britva415]

it does NOT mean the end of good sex unless you allow it to

This is one of the success stories I was saying I don't hear a lot of. I'm glad to hear your own wife didn't allow it to.

If some other woman does, there's nothing you or I or OP can do about it.

I have no idea whether menopause was even a factor here. I think he should find out if she's still into him, sexually.

 

[Lance_Castro]

I have been extremely horny. I can go daily if I could. My wife is fine with 1-2 a week. She off handedly suggested I get a mistress. I didn't dig deep on that one with her, but think that would be a recipe disaster with our marriage. I would love to get her sex drive up with mine, but don't think having a mistress is wise.
Thoughts?

You’re here, does she know?

If the answer is no, you might as well find a girlfriend and get laid.

Obviously keep it secret.

 

[MH2024hot]

I think you should start out just developing the idea and the fantasy. You can't just go get a girlfriend based on a comment.

Take care of her emotional and sexual needs. Massage her, buy her pretty clothes and slutty lingerie. Do chores around the house, do the cooking or the grocery shopping or let her have a girls night out, do a date night. Whatever is important to her. Basically show her you care for all her needs. Build up the emotional side.

Next time you make love, ask about this comment. Make it sound like you are only curious but not actually wanting to do it. Have her cumming as you talk about it. Then ask if she's ever fantasized about another man. Dive into her sexual needs. Is there something you aren't doing? Are you big enough for her. Not enough foreplay? Make it judgment free. This is two adults being honest.

If she's up for it, Read a story together about this fantasy. Watch a video. Develop it. Go slow.

 

[lc69hunter]

I have been extremely horny. I can go daily if I could. My wife is fine with 1-2 a week. She off handedly suggested I get a mistress. I didn't dig deep on that one with her, but think that would be a recipe disaster with our marriage. I would love to get her sex drive up with mine, but don't think having a mistress is wise.
Thoughts?

My wife passed away over three years ago, from Alzheimer's. As she was still fairly early in the process but knowing what was coming, she strongly encouraged me to find someone to take care of my needs. I couldn't do it

 

[yyml]

It sounds like your situation is the same as mine. My solution is masturbation.

Finding a mistress is not really a wise choice

 

[Carling229]

I have been in that situation some years ago, I seemed to be more sexually active after a few years of marriage, although we still would have sex I just found she wasn't into it as much. She suggested maybe finding another woman to help the situation, at the time I dismissed it. At the time I was exploring my bi side unknown to her and after a few months she then confessed that she'd had an affair with a guy she worked with. We then sat down and went through everything and she told me she wanted to try again but did suggest that I have somebody else as well. She told me she had a friend of hers in mind and I had met this woman and she seemed nice, we got together and chatted about going forward and decided to go with it.

I would meet her a couple times a week and my wife was happy with that, then she started asking about what we got up to which seemed excite her, it did lead to her joining me and her friend and from there the sex life between me and my wife got a lot better, we started to explore our sexual boundaries and it has been and still is an adventure.

 

[thør]

don't think having a mistress is wise

A wise man has a wife and a mistress. When the mistress thinks you are with the wife and the wife thinks you are with the mistress, you can get some work done.

 

[Yarglenurp]

A wise man has a wife and a mistress. When the mistress thinks you are with the wife and the wife thinks you are with the mistress, you can get some work done.

Wise man clearly wasn’t that wise, he should have just introduced the two together and have a threesome.

 

[thør]

Wise man clearly wasn’t that wise, he should have just introduced the two together and have a threesome.

Never get any work done, then. And without pay, he'll lose them both.

 

[Yarglenurp]

Never get any work done, then. And without pay, he'll lose them both.

Nah, just get them to work. He just has sex with them. Like that one dude.

 

[thør]

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