Any success stories or advice on guiding repressed/religious spouse to sexual fun and freedom?

[MH2024hot]

This is a place to share success stories, what worked for you, or those seeking advice and perhaps it will give some hope to others.

I'm still working on it but it's going better than I would have imagined after 20 plus years of no hope and struggle.

I've written about this on Literotica. Briefly, the sex was rare and uncreative, even as newlyweds, every 2 to 4 weeks for 20-plus years. She thought any type of porn/erotica was sin and that sex toys, fantasy and masturbation were unnatural and weird. It led me to satiating myself with porn and cam models.

My wife is a good, kind, and caring woman but I needed this part of our relationship to change. It was made worse by the roadblock of occasional, misguided sermons throughout our teen and adult years focused on lust, sexual desire and porn as sin rather than addressing the problem of repressive views which deny sexual freedom within marriage.

So I recently revealed my porn habit to her, and it was unapologetic. I think that was important and it moved the debate from the supposed "evils" of porn to her attitude which helped lead me to it. I also had to help her theologically, to truthfully frame "erotica" as a healthy and good option for our marriage within her religious construct. It's basically a trade off: I won't look at porn by myself but she'll try new things and experiment with erotica with me.

I would love to hear about similar struggles and what is working in your relationship.

 

[SpicyMama38]

This really only will work if she wants to reframe her beliefs about sex and eroticism. If she has that desire then you will then be able to support her. If she doesn’t want to reframe them, then it’s going to cause a lot of stress and conflict in the relationship you currently have.

A couple books that might help her reframe her mindset are, Come As You Are and Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (this one particularly has a religious angle). The Erotic Mind is also a good one for reframing eroticism and sex.

If she’s unwilling or disinterested in changing her personal conduct then you might consider sharing the book, With Sprinkles on Top. It’s a good resource for folks with partners that aren’t kinky.

But again, if she doesn’t want to do this, then it’s going to be tough. If she’s open to it, I’d try to find a religious trauma informed sex therapist for her or both of you to start seeing.

 

[MH2024hot]

This really only will work if she wants to reframe her beliefs about sex and eroticism. If she has that desire then you will then be able to support her. If she doesn’t want to reframe them, then it’s going to cause a lot of stress and conflict in the relationship you currently have.

A couple books that might help her reframe her mindset are, Come As You Are and Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (this one particularly has a religious angle). The Erotic Mind is also a good one for reframing eroticism and sex.

If she’s unwilling or disinterested in changing her personal conduct then you might consider sharing the book, With Sprinkles on Top. It’s a good resource for folks with partners that aren’t kinky.

But again, if she doesn’t want to do this, then it’s going to be tough. If she’s open to it, I’d try to find a religious trauma informed sex therapist for her or both of you to start seeing.

I agree. In my own experience she moved from not considering it, period to now being open. But that took years. When I could tell she wasn't going to come around, I didn't push it as it would have been a complete failure and I masturbated to porn to cope. I then slowly introduced a few things which she was receptive to, and perhaps it helped, but I eventually had to just openly reveal and confront how she viewed sex and erotica and intimacy and my own desires. The religion was part of the roadblock and I had to find some compromise in there. Some sermons on porn actually helped to provide a means to discuss and lead to progress, ironically. I'll check out those books.

 

[Horny_rabbi]

As a rabbi, I am often asked about these questions, and have many years of experience of working with men, but especially women who feel trapped by religious prohibitions, helping them to explore their sexual needs.

It’s complicated. Our religious values are usually taken on at the very young age, and are often deeply held. Finding ways to explore carefully, calmly, and without judgment to help lead the repressed partner to an acknowledgement of their sexual needs and desires can take time. But it’s worth pursuing.

 

[Yarglenurp]

I gotta ask… you know how unhealthy these sermons are for your marital life, but you still go?

That seems like some hardcore emotional masochism to me.

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

I'm keen to learn from what others say here. I have a nearly identical story, without success.

Puritanical views of sex/eroticism are mostly man-made, not divinely inspired. It's hard to tell that to nearly anyone raised in the church though.

I mean, there are more references to women keeping their heads covered than tithing or other direct instructions, yet that isn't addressed - ever.

Sorry, I definitely don't want to derail your post. Just ignore me and allow me to read the updates!

 

[DrHappy]

This isn’t really a problem at my house, but I consider myself to be a sex positive Christian and I’m not the only one.

There used to be an interesting website called ChristianNymphos.org that’s been around for several years, but it appears to be down at the moment. It’s geared towards women.

There’s another website & forum called The Marriage Bed that’s interesting. They only approve of sex within marriage and generally without porn, but I’ve seen positive discussions on topics such as masturbation, anal sex, sex outdoors, dominance/submission, swallowing, creampie eating, pegging, etc…. Not everyone there agrees on all topics, but they seem pretty tolerant on most monogamous activities.

 

[MH2024hot]

I'm keen to learn from what others say here. I have a nearly identical story, without success.

Puritanical views of sex/eroticism are mostly man-made, not divinely inspired. It's hard to tell that to nearly anyone raised in the church though.

I mean, there are references to women keeping their heads covered than tithing or other direct instructions, yet that isn't addressed - ever.

Sorry, I definitely don't want to derail your post. Just ignore me and allow me to read the updates!

No problem, Mischief. I think the problem for some religions is that everything about sex tends to be in the negative, can't do this, watch out for that, etc even though Song of Solomon for example, which is in the Bible, is very erotic. I'm not expecting to win people here to the church but I am interested in how they managed to find some compromise and new ways of moving forward together with their spouse, hopefully while maintaining a commitment to faith - just without the old, repressive ways of viewing pleasure.

 

[MH2024hot]

I gotta ask… you know how unhealthy these sermons are for your marital life, but you still go?

That seems like some hardcore emotional masochism to me.

The sermons we've listened to didn't create the issue, it's part upbringing and personal comfort zone combined with what I would call "lazy" preaching on sex (always in the negative, never about martial freedom and pleasure). The sermons on sex are rare and frankly rather mainline. I've heard two sermons totally devoted to sex in five years so they aren't thundering on every week about sex.

On the positive side, the sermon did provide an opportunity to discuss sex and find some nuance I didn't realize she was open to (or what she grew into). In my situation, me recommending a new church or abandoning it after years of attendance and making friends there would haven given me -zero- credibility with my wife and would have caused her stress I'm sure. I'm finding compromise within our religion, not attacking it, to pursue new ideas about pleasure with her. Win/win.

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

No problem, Mischief. I think the problem for some religions is that everything about sex tends to be in the negative, can't do this, watch out for that, etc even though Song of Solomon for example, which is in the Bible, is very erotic. I'm not expecting to win people here to the church but I am interested in how they managed to find some compromise and new ways of moving forward together with their spouse, hopefully while maintaining a commitment to faith - just without the old, repressive ways of viewing pleasure.

There are quite a few sexually explicit things in Scripture; Ezekiel 23:20 anyone? So many of those forbidden concepts that the church has latched on to were derived from social, cultural, and sometimes logical origins, but they aren't prescriptive - they are descriptive.

And to think about it historically, most people were living in tents or one room structures for the majority of history. Even in 2024, there is a staggering number of people who don't live with much more privacy than that. The logical thought here is that people were much more familiar with sexual situations, particularly those of their family, than our Western culture has been for a few centuries.

To be clear, I'm an active member of a moderate to conservative church. I live in an EXTREMELY conservative area (some of the highest concentrations of old-school Anabaptists in the country), and I consider myself centric and moderate. The struggles here are real.

 

[MH2024hot]

There are quite a few sexually explicit things in Scripture; Ezekiel 23:20 anyone? So many of those forbidden concepts that the church has latched on to were derived from social, cultural, and sometimes logical origins, but they aren't prescriptive - they are descriptive.

And to think about it historically, most people were living in tents or one room structures for the majority of history. Even in 2024, there is a staggering number of people who don't live with much more privacy than that. The logical thought here is that people were much more familiar with sexual situations, particularly those of their family, than our Western culture has been for a few centuries.

To be clear, I'm an active member of a moderate to conservative church. I live in an EXTREMELY conservative area (some of the highest concentrations of old-school Anabaptists in the country), and I consider myself centric and moderate. The struggles here are real.

Some once interpreted the two breasts in Song of Solomon to symbolize the old and new testaments. Granted, that started hundreds of years ago and my church is no where even near that insanity but the problem still remains about repressive views, yes. I think porn is a convenient boogeyman for them but they ignore what leads many to go there and fail to find some nuance to permit couples to enjoy erotica.

My wife has gone from "erotic novels are out of the question" to asking me to write an erotic short story about us, which I will gladly take her up on! And I'll introduce some fantasy or risqué topics. But even a year ago, she wouldn't have permitted that. So I'm baffled (happily) on the change in her but I think I just had to be open about it, build on the existing trust, and address the cliched and hyperbolic statements the church tends to make about porn.

 

[MischiefMakerAlways]

Some once interpreted the two breasts in Song of Solomon to symbolize the old and new testaments. Granted, that started hundreds of years ago and my church is no where even near that insanity but the problem still remains about repressive views, yes. I think porn is a convenient boogeyman for them but they ignore what leads many to go there and fail to find some nuance to permit couples to enjoy erotica.

My wife has gone from "erotic novels are out of the question" to asking me to write an erotic short story about us, which I will gladly take her up on! And I'll introduce some fantasy or risqué topics. But even a year ago, she wouldn't have permitted that. So I'm baffled (happily) on the change in her but I think I just had to be open about it, build on the existing trust, and address the cliched and hyperbolic statements the church tends to make about porn.

I'm exceedingly happy for you, that sounds wonderful and healthy!

I've heard many churches across the country claim that Song of Songs was allegorical, and I presume it's because they can't fathom sexuality being addressed positively, but that's just crazy to me.

 

[DrHappy]

“The Marriage Bed” website that I mentioned earlier promotes the idea that an active and creative sex life is good for a marriage. There are stories by women there who have changed their mindset to a sex-positive one. You might consider sending your wife to look around. Or maybe find an interesting thread and let her know that you’d like her to take a look and give her opinion on that thread.

 

[MH2024hot]

That looks like a great resource, thanks.

 

[Brains_N_Boobs]

Any advice on guiding repressed/religious spouse to sexual fun and freedom?​

BONDAGE !!!!

 

[Kittenheels54]

It’s confusing to me how sex and religion are intertwined. In my thinking, God intended sex to feel good, but women usually are the only ones that are supposed to suppress those natural feelings.

 

[Hipshot1554]

It’s confusing to me how sex and religion are intertwined. In my thinking, God intended sex to feel good, but women usually are the only ones that are supposed to suppress those natural feelings.

It's the churches that tell you what God meant, and they are all different!

 

[Elle4u2use2]

This isn’t really a problem at my house, but I consider myself to be a sex positive Christian and I’m not the only one.

There used to be an interesting website called ChristianNymphos.org that’s been around for several years, but it appears to be down at the moment. It’s geared towards women.

There’s another website & forum called The Marriage Bed that’s interesting. They only approve of sex within marriage and generally without porn, but I’ve seen positive discussions on topics such as masturbation, anal sex, sex outdoors, dominance/submission, swallowing, creampie eating, pegging, etc…. Not everyone there agrees on all topics, but they seem pretty tolerant on most monogamous activities.

A christian nympho Lit thread would be nice

 

[americangrizzley]

This is great information and advice. I'm in a similar situation. Been married 20 years and only within the past few years have I gotten my wife to the point that she is willing to have sex with the lights on. She's of the mind that sex must always be about love and should not be solely for the purpose of pleasure. I'm not looking to try getting her in to a hot wife lifestyle or anything like that, but I really would like for her to at least open up a little bit. The occasional sex in more than the two or three approved positions would be awesome.

 

[MH2024hot]

This is great information and advice. I'm in a similar situation. Been married 20 years and only within the past few years have I gotten my wife to the point that she is willing to have sex with the lights on. She's of the mind that sex must always be about love and should not be solely for the purpose of pleasure. I'm not looking to try getting her in to a hot wife lifestyle or anything like that, but I really would like for her to at least open up a little bit. The occasional sex in more than the two or three approved positions would be awesome.

Do you think her beliefs are based in religion or the church or something she was raised in?

 

[Tweedledude]

Do you think her beliefs are based in religion or the church or something she was raised in?

I suspect in allot of situations like this you will find the answer is yes to all three situations.

 

[americangrizzley]

Do you think her beliefs are based in religion or the church or something she was raised in?

For my wife yes, it's absolutely based on the church and how she was raised. She has made many comments about what she was taught as a young girl and teenager about sex and sex being sinful. FWIW she was raised as a Lutheran. I have no idea what she might have actually been taught in church, Sunday school, etc. but that's always been her excuse for not doing certain things in the bedroom. For all I know it might have been her mother (certified batshit crazy BTW) clutching a Bible and lecturing her about sex that put it all in her head.

 

[Tweedledude]

For my wife yes, it's absolutely based on the church and how she was raised. She has made many comments about what she was taught as a young girl and teenager about sex and sex being sinful. FWIW she was raised as a Lutheran. I have no idea what she might have actually been taught in church, Sunday school, etc. but that's always been her excuse for not doing certain things in the bedroom. For all I know it might have been her mother (certified batshit crazy BTW) clutching a Bible and lecturing her about sex that put it all in her head.

Yup good luck let us know if you find a solution. Been looking since 1980

 

[DpropertyofR]

The “purity culture” that gets promoted by a lot of churches really does people a disservice. They struggle with feelings of guilt over their natural urges, because those feelings (and the accompanying actions) are demonized as dirty outside of marriage. When they get married, those feelings of guilt, shame, and the belief that sex is dirty or sinful don’t just magically disappear. You end up with married couples who are supposed to be able to enjoy “becoming one flesh”, but they’re crippled by the internalized messages of their upbringing. This mentality was a major factor in my exit from Christianity. I was simply tired of hearing that the feelings and thoughts I was having were condemning me to eternal damnation.

 

[Tweedledude]

When they get married, those feelings of guilt, shame, and the belief that sex is dirty or sinful don’t just magically disappear. You end up with married couples who are supposed to be able to enjoy “becoming one flesh”, but they’re crippled by the internalized messages of their upbringing.

Yes there lies "a" not all the problem.... Leaves people so unprepared for what follows.

We could talk for eons on "from whom does this come" but there probably a ain't enough electrons on this server. Lol