What made you laugh your ass off today?

[sassy_girl1963]

One of my co-workers is kind of a ditz. She told us about the time she took Airborne. She didn't read the directions and took the tablet and put it directly into her mouth. Needless to say she was shocked when it started fizzing.

I have a vivid image of a woman foaming at the mouth with a wide-eyed look of shock on her face.

Ok this may show that I am really dumb, but what is Airborne?

 

[EJFan]

Ok this may show that I am really dumb, but what is Airborne?

it's like a cold preventative... works sort of like alka seltzer i believe... dissolve a tablet in a glass of water.

 

[sassy_girl1963]

it's like a cold preventative... works sort of like alka seltzer i believe... dissolve a tablet in a glass of water.

OH! Thank you! Guess that's why I did not know what it was - have not had to go get cold medicine for the past couple of years....Woo Hoo...lol

 

[EJFan]

OH! Thank you! Guess that's why I did not know what it was - have not had to go get cold medicine for the past couple of years....Woo Hoo...lol

sweet! we must have the same type of immune system. other than trying to amputate my finger with a drinking glass (and similar self-inflicted injuries) i stay rather healthy. of course, i avoid contact with other humans, so the chance of getting a germ is slim.

 

[hdlynnette]

Where is a depends when you need one?

I got this in an e-mail today and quite literally laughed until I...umm...well...lets just say it was a depends moment. I'm sure the ladies can relate to this one...

MY NIGHT

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...COLD WAX

My night began as any other normal weekday night. Fix dinner, clean up
dinner, chatted with the hubby, played with the kids. I then had the thought
that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should
take some time for myself hubby's home he can tend to the kids and I can get the wax out of the medicine cabinet and pamper myself.
I've been waiting to try this new WAX method..........Supposed to give you
a baby smooth appearance........ So I headed to the site of my
demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get
warm and you peel them apart press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I am mechanically
inclined enough that I can figure it out.

YA THINK ???

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together I get the bright idea use
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh how
this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin
around it tight and pull.

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! I
AM WOMAN - I CAN DO THIS................

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-ra, fighter of all wayward body
hair and smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north.
After checking on the kids and hubby, I sneak back into the bathroom, for
the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet, hold my boobs back so I
can see down there, with my free arm. Using my other free hand I used the
same procedure by applying the strip across the right side of bikini line,
covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my
butt cheek. Me being short - it wasn't a long strip - thank-god!!!!!!

I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! What the hell have
I done - I think I just ripped everything out down there - I bet I even have
a toe-nail or two........

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the
strip. S!&*T!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and
spotted. Do I hear crashing drums??? OK, back to normal. I want to see my
trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt, that has caused me so much
pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over
body hair

I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down - still holding boobs so I can see,
foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair...The hair that should be
on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S&%T!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...................remember my foot is still
perched on the toilet. I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! NOW WHAT HAVE I DONE????

YOU GOT IT -- Vagina? Sealed shut. Butt?? Sealed shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop...............Hot
water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the
bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt
and I can gently wipe it off right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to sterilize
surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse that having your goodies glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.

In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax So now I am
stuck to the bottom of the tub!! Thank goodness I took the cordless phone
with me in the bathroom!!!!! I call my best friend/sister-in-law knowing
she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. Now this is good - It's YEAH - it's a very good conversation starter "So how ya doing?
WELL funny reason I'm callin ya, my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick but does try to
hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located on bottom. "Are we talking cheeks, hole or what?" She's laughing out
loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call
the number on the side of the box.

YEAH RIGHT!!!!

THEN -- I should be the joke of someone else's night while we go through
various solutions. I DON'T THINK SO..............

I am thinking I am going to have to resort to scraping the wax off with a
razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot
wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving
the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip
into glazed donut land. My sister-in-law is still talking with me and my
hand reaches towards the saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove
the excess wax. NOW I may be onto something - maybe -
just maybe this will work...............What do I really have to lose at
this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids, alerted my hubby that something was awry, scared the dickens out of my sister-in-law, but at this point I really
didn't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty
congratulation from my sis and she hangs up. I hear my hubby outside the
bathroom door - Honey everything okay in there? OH Yeah -- fine - fine - I'm
fine - I'll be out in a few minutes. I successfully remove the remainder of
the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....................THE
HAIR IS STILL THERE...........ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I shaved
it off ALL OF IT - IT HAS TO GO...............Heck, I'm numb at this point.

BY this time I'm feelin lucky - I think I'm going to try coloring my hair
next......

 

[Elizabeth III]

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
well thanks for that..it is the funniest email i have read for a while...... it is a mental picture that only a female could or would want to relate to.....

you just made my day
QE3

 

[Top Cat]

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
well thanks for that..it is the funniest email i have read for a while...... it is a mental picture that only a female could or would want to relate to.....

you just made my day
QE3

Don't you worry about that... this male had good enough mental pictures to damn near wet his pants TRYING to read that post and drying my eyes from laughter... thank you..

TC

 

[drew62]

not exactly laughing my ass off but...

I have been going through a real rough stretch lately and havent been laughing too much. However, my day was made today when I heard my daughter giggling and laughing at the movie today, as we went and saw Curious George. It did my heart some good. Just thought I would share

 

[Cathleen]

Lynn, that was great! I couldn't stop laughing either, I was prepared.

 

[Quoll]

I know I've posted this before, but it seems like a good time to do it again.

The Real Restroom Story.

Only a woman will TRULY relate to the
following, but it's a "hoot" for all!


My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.

When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to
wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.
Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat.

Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing
over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my clothes.

That was a long time ago. Even now, in my more "mature years, "The
Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's
bladder is full.

When you have to "go" in a public restroom, you usually find a line
of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Bond's
underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely. You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors.
Every one is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one - but
there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume
"The Stance."
Ahhhh, relief. More relief.
But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you
certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on
it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that
would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off of
your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you
would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"

Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew
your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That
would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up quickly, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ
and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet
paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear,
"You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a
fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China.

At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water.
You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your
pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, no longer able to smile politely.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are
trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Murray
River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while
waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with
a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally
explains to the men what really does take us so long.
It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs.
It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door.

 

[bobsgirl]

I know I've posted this before, but it seems like a good time to do it again.

The Real Restroom Story.

Only a woman will TRULY relate to the
following, but it's a "hoot" for all!


My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.

When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to
wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.
Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat.

Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing
over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my clothes.

That was a long time ago. Even now, in my more "mature years, "The
Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's
bladder is full.

When you have to "go" in a public restroom, you usually find a line
of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Bond's
underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely. You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors.
Every one is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one - but
there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck (mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume
"The Stance."
Ahhhh, relief. More relief.
But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you
certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on
it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that
would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off of
your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you
would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"

Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew
your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That
would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up quickly, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ
and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet
paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear,
"You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a
fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China.

At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water.
You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your
pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, no longer able to smile politely.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are
trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Murray
River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while
waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with
a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally
explains to the men what really does take us so long.
It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs.
It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door.

Thank you, quoll, for giving me my first laugh of the day!

 

[Quoll]

Thank you, quoll, for giving me my first laugh of the day!

I hope that's the first laugh of a new day.
If not, *hugs to you*

 

[sassy_girl1963]

I know I've posted this before, but it seems like a good time to do it again.

The Real Restroom Story.

Quoll - where did you run into my mother? This is pure her but don't know how as she's suppose to been dead these past 10 years - lol

If you see her again - tell her to call home....

 

[Saucyminx]

We went out to dinner with another couple and my friend Eileen (of my sig line) says "i pooped on my watch once." And then proceeded to launch into this story of camping misfortune that had us all in tears laughing. After it was all over, and we calmed down a bit, she said, "i'm just kidding." For some reason that just made it even funnier.

 

[bobsgirl]

We went out to dinner with another couple and my friend Eileen (of my sig line) says "i pooped on my watch once." And then proceeded to launch into this story of camping misfortune that had us all in tears laughing. After it was all over, and we calmed down a bit, she said, "i'm just kidding." For some reason that just made it even funnier.

You need to bring Eileen to Lit. She'd fit right in.

For some reason this made me think of the time when my sister flushed my watch down the toilet when we were kids.

 

[Saucyminx]

You need to bring Eileen to Lit. She'd fit right in.

For some reason this made me think of the time when my sister flushed my watch down the toilet when we were kids.

She would fit right in--but she'd never admit it. It's taken 18 years to wear her down to this level.

As an aside to this story--we were talking in the car today, and i mentioned how funny it was when she said she was just kidding. And she started laughing again--and said, no that really did happen. I nearly wrecked the damn car.

 

[Quoll]

Quoll - where did you run into my mother? This is pure her but don't know how as she's suppose to been dead these past 10 years - lol

If you see her again - tell her to call home....

Well that explains it, your mum probably told my mum, she's been gone for quite awhile too.

 

[sassy_girl1963]

Well that explains it, your mum probably told my mum, she's been gone for quite awhile too.

Well I hope your mom can play Yatzee then, as all of my mom's sisters, and one brother are with her and they love Yatzee! In fact, your mom better watch out, as they will have her on the floor belly laughing!

 

[Guest]

 

[vanelane]

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=16231198&postcount=9

 

[sassy_girl1963]

After waking my son (17) up twice this morning, instead of going upstairs for the third time I yelled up "are you out of bed yet?" and the response was "yes." Well, I didn't buy it because I could not see any light coming from the room, so I quietly went up the stairs, looked in (he was still in bed) and yelled "I thought you were out of bed?" His response: "I was cold so I got back in."

Me: GET UP NOW (to which he sat up and turned on his light)

I went back down the stairs, as loudly as possible, then quietly went back up agian. he had turned off the light and got back in bed

I yelled out "you think I was born yesterday".

He finally got up.

And this is the son who will be going to college this fall? Hmmmm wonder who he thinks will kick his rear out of bed then?????

 

[Saucyminx]

https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=16231198&postcount=9

missed this one lol--so a dyslexic man walks into a bra. . .

 

[EJFan]

And this is the son who will be going to college this fall? Hmmmm wonder who he thinks will kick his rear out of bed then?????

if he's lucky it'll be some hot ass sorority chick.

 

[sassy_girl1963]

if he's lucky it'll be some hot ass sorority chick.

Ah - funny !

 

[Guest]