What made you laugh your ass off today?

[Eilan]

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

But your snarkiness has damaged my self-esteem. Now how am I supposed to send my cock pics to all the ladies?

 

[wally2450]

Use's of the 'F' word...cracked me up!

FUCK is an international word. It doesn't matter where you are in the world, everyone knows exactly what you mean when you say "Fuck Off".

It's the atmosphere it creates, that's why you will never read something like:

"Fuck off", he hinted.

Grammatical Usage
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories, making it one of the most versatile words in the English language.

It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Jane) and intransitive (John and Jane fucked). It can be an active verb (John fucked Jane) or a passive verb (Jane was fucked by John). Or an adverb (Jane is a fucking bastard) and a noun (Jane is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Jane is fucking beautiful).

Further Structures
As you can see there are few words with the versatility of "fuck". Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations.

Greetings "How the fuck are you?"
Fraud "I was fucked by the McDonalds Drive Through."
Dismay "Oh, fuck it."
Trouble "Well, I guess I'm fucked again."
Aggression "Fuck you!!!"
Disgust "Fuck me!!!"
Confusion "What the fuck....?"
Diffuclty "I don't understand this fucking thing."
Despair "Fucked again."
Desperation "Fuckityfuckfuckfuck."
Incompetence "He fucks up everything."
Displeasure "What the fuck is going on?"
Lost "Where the fuck are we?"
Disbelief "Unbefuckinglievable!!!"
Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!!!"
Pain "Fuck ! that hurt."
Pleasure "Oooooooh Fuuuuuuck"
Love "Do ya Fuck on first dates?"
Starting a relationship "Let's fuck now!"
Surprise "Fucking hell what was that?"
Hate "You Fuck!"
Disappointment "That's not fucking fair."
A poker hand "A Royal Fuck."
Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
Apathy "Who gives a fuck."
Resignation "Oh fuck it."
Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here!"
Directions "Fuck off."
Sex "Let's fuck."
Maternal "Motherfucker."
Incestuous "Motherfucker."
Ambiguity "I'm not so fucking sure."
Agreement "Absofuckinglutely."
Praising the Lord "Jesus Fucking Christ.">
I have a headache "Go fuck yourself."
Refusal "Oh you can fuck right off."
Pissed off "Fuck the fucking fuckers!"
Be quiet "Shut the fuck up."
You're right "Fucking oath." (Australianism)
Austentation "He's just bought a big, fuck-off Mercedes."
Sensuousness "She was wearing a pair of red leather, fuck-me boots."

Famous historical quotes
Never forget the words of these famous people.

General Custer Where did all them fucking Indians come from?
Mayor of Hiroshima "What the fuck was that?"
Captain of the Titanic "Where's all the fucking water coming from?"
Michelangelo "You want me to paint what on the fucking ceiling?"
Einstein "Any fucker could understand that."
Sean Penn "Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck"
John Lennon "Is that a real fucking gun?"
Donald Campbell "The fucking throttle is stuck."
Anne Boleyn "Heads are going to fucking roll."
Richard Nixon "Who's going to fucking know?"
Niki Lauda "I thought I could fucking smell petrol."
Mark Thatcher "What fucking map?"
Picasso "It does fucking look like her."
Christopher Columbus "Where the fuck are we?"
Michael Jackson "It's a fucking skin condition"
and more recently "I told you I didn't fucking fuck him!"
Pythagarus "How the fuck did you work that one out?"
Walt Disney "Fuck a duck."
Joan of Arc "I don't suppose it will fucking rain."
George Bush "Fcuk! I can't spell."
Miss Marples "I haven't got a fucking clue."
Noah "Scattered showers, my fucking arse."
Donald Trump "You're fucking fired!"
Judge Judy "Shut the fuck up!"
Paris Hilton "Fuck me."
Ronald Regan to the Pope "Yes it does fucking hurt."
Harold, Battle of Hastings 1066 "Watch him he'll have some fucker's eye out"
Bill Clinton "I should have fucked her."

 

[Guest]

 

[bobsgirl]

Watching my cat flirt outrageously with MrB. She is bound and determined that he WILL love her. For 12 years, MrB has been just as determined to ignore her. So tonight she was winding herself around and through his ankles and being a pest. I laughed because MrB was looking at her as if she was a particularly contagious virus, and saying through gritted teeth, "Come. Get. Your. Cat." It's true love, I tell ya.

 

[EJFan]

Watching my cat flirt outrageously with MrB. She is bound and determined that he WILL love her. For 12 years, MrB has been just as determined to ignore her. So tonight she was winding herself around and through his ankles and being a pest. I laughed because MrB was looking at her as if she was a particularly contagious virus, and saying through gritted teeth, "Come. Get. Your. Cat." It's true love, I tell ya.

and to this, had it been me, i would have changed the subject and said, "come. get. your. pussy."

then again, i'm just sex deprived and can only think on this single plane.

 

[bobsgirl]

and to this, had it been me, i would have changed the subject and said, "come. get. your. pussy."

then again, i'm just sex deprived and can only think on this single plane.

LOL You read my mind! I should have said, "Whatsa matter, honey? Is my pussy getting your attention..."

 

[Guest]

 

[bobsgirl]

Being empty nesters, we don't have to edit topics of conversation any more. Makes for some interesting dinner discussions.

 

[EJFan]

this SO made me laugh my ass off....

i just checked the spam folder in one of my email accounts (i rarely do this) and there was an email titled:

"shy to fuck with your small gun?"​

 

[midwestyankee]

this SO made me laugh my ass off....

i just checked the spam folder in one of my email accounts (i rarely do this) and there was an email titled:

"shy to fuck with your small gun?"​

Hell, I wouldn't fuck with a large gun either. When loaded, those babies can hurt people.

 

[M's girl]

Watching my cat flirt outrageously with MrB. She is bound and determined that he WILL love her. For 12 years, MrB has been just as determined to ignore her. So tonight she was winding herself around and through his ankles and being a pest. I laughed because MrB was looking at her as if she was a particularly contagious virus, and saying through gritted teeth, "Come. Get. Your. Cat." It's true love, I tell ya.

I can imagine how this is hilarious to cat-lovers. I'm like Mr.B though... so I can feel his agony! Twelve years?! I would not last that long with cats around me, just ask Mr.M

 

[bobsgirl]

I can imagine how this is hilarious to cat-lovers. I'm like Mr.B though... so I can feel his agony! Twelve years?! I would not last that long with cats around me, just ask Mr.M

She was his 40th birthday gift to me. (Very sweet--it made me cry.) He's not allergic, he just isn't an animal person. He's not a dog lover either.

What I found amusing was her persistence. She just refuses to accept that there might be someone who doesn't find her irresistable.

It's okay if you don't like cats, Msgirl. I like you a lot anyway.

 

[Guest]

 

[M's girl]

She was his 40th birthday gift to me. (Very sweet--it made me cry.) He's not allergic, he just isn't an animal person. He's not a dog lover either.

What I found amusing was her persistence. She just refuses to accept that there might be someone who doesn't find her irresistable.

It's okay if you don't like cats, Msgirl. I like you a lot anyway.

That was, indeed, very sweet of him, and very unselfish too. I don't think I could do that, not with cats....

In fact, my M has been quite unselfish too in that matter. After the other cat died we were still left with one. I just can't help it; I simply hate cats (sorry). He realized it was no use keeping us both around and I guess he chose me
Well, it was not entirely like that, and I would never have made him choose, but he figured out for himself the situation was far (!!) from ideal. One night he suggested to find her a new home. We know where she is and she's doing well, and believe it or not: I'm happy about that!

Oh yes and I like you too! You often make me smile...

 

[midwestyankee]

Sign at the grocery store:

"The shopping carts are not allowed to leave the parking lot."

Good, because I saw a dozen or more of them lined up closely together and I'm quite sure they were whispering about an escape plot.

 

[bobsgirl]

Sign at the grocery store:

"The shopping carts are not allowed to leave the parking lot."

Good, because I saw a dozen or more of them lined up closely together and I'm quite sure they were whispering about an escape plot.

It's a conspiracy.

 

[Guest]

 

[EJFan]

the shopping cart thing is positively hysterical!

it reminds me of a sign i saw in a chinese restaurant where i went to college (which isn't nearly as funny)... it read "no checks taken from 8/5/98" or whatever the date was. naturally, all i could think was that they took checks as long as they weren't dated THAT day.

 

[Eilan]

One of my hubby's former coworkers stopped by today. He was working (and therefore in uniform) and thought he'd kill some time at our house. My hubby was out of the room when he knocked, so I answered the door, kids in tow.

My two-year-old took one look at this guy and yelled, "Daddy!" It's been a while since she saw Daddy in uniform, but I guess all those cop types look alike.

 

[Quoll]

Sign at the grocery store:

"The shopping carts are not allowed to leave the parking lot."

Good, because I saw a dozen or more of them lined up closely together and I'm quite sure they were whispering about an escape plot.

There are a lot of strange goings on in these places.
I saw a sign on the emergency exit at my local store:
"These doors are alarmed", now what could have got them in such a state?

 

[midwestyankee]

the shopping cart thing is positively hysterical!

it reminds me of a sign i saw in a chinese restaurant where i went to college (which isn't nearly as funny)... it read "no checks taken from 8/5/98" or whatever the date was. naturally, all i could think was that they took checks as long as they weren't dated THAT day.

I saw a similar one a long time ago.

On a soft-drink machine in a store owned and operated by a Chinese family:

Out of Work!

 

[EJFan]

I saw a similar one a long time ago.

On a soft-drink machine in a store owned and operated by a Chinese family:

Out of Work!

LOL!

i have a similar sign on my undies.

 

[Saucyminx]

LOL!

i have a similar sign on my undies.

I thought that said will work for. . .nevermind.

And please remember--it's all quoll's fault. I was just quietly lurking for the longest time.

 

[Quoll]

Mr "food is my friend" four year old, holding a piece of cheese above his mouth, "Jump, jump, come on jump, *chomp* good boy."

 

[Denae]

One of my co-workers is kind of a ditz. She told us about the time she took Airborne. She didn't read the directions and took the tablet and put it directly into her mouth. Needless to say she was shocked when it started fizzing.

I have a vivid image of a woman foaming at the mouth with a wide-eyed look of shock on her face.