Want to be submissive with husband

[Oceandancer]

Hello. I have been married for 13 years and I have always had the desire to be submissive. My husband has at times initiated things such as spanking, fisting, and rough anal play. I really want to take it to the next level, and on a regular basis. I have no idea how to approach him with this, even though some of his action have shown he would be receptive. I am trying to think of suttle ways to initiate more. Any ideas, thoughts etc. would be great!

 

[Netzach]

Hello. I have been married for 13 years and I have always had the desire to be submissive. My husband has at times initiated things such as spanking, fisting, and rough anal play. I really want to take it to the next level, and on a regular basis. I have no idea how to approach him with this, even though some of his action have shown he would be receptive. I am trying to think of suttle ways to initiate more. Any ideas, thoughts etc. would be great!

Why not "omg, that was soooo hot, it made me feel __________. Can we do it again?"

If he's got a reasonable sexual ego, this should work to make him feel good no? Just focus on what was awesome and you loved, don't fall prey to "you never....we need to more...."

 

[Stella_Omega]

Don't try to be subtle. Most guys don't even notice it. And anyone who tops has to worry about the guessing game, if they are guessing right.

If by "being subtle" you mean "Not having to ask for what I want" you will never get nowhere. Tell him; "I really love it when you grab me and throw me on the bed and shove your fist into my pussy-- after enough stretch and plenty of lube, of course... and I love it when you choke me with your dick. "

Trust me, most people who love a woman would LOVE to know that for sure-- to be given permission.
And also-- reward the fuckout of him for topping you. Scream and wiggle and ooh and ahh and cry and laugh. Tell him when you are about to come, if you can find the words-- We woman don't always feel our desires are legitimate, and we tend to hide things that we think are not ladylike enough.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Don't try to be subtle. Most guys don't even notice it. And anyone who tops has to worry about the guessing game, if they are guessing right.

If by "being subtle" you mean "Not having to ask for what I want" you will never get nowhere. Tell him; "I really love it when you grab me and throw me on the bed and shove your fist into my pussy-- after enough stretch and plenty of lube, of course... and I love it when you choke me with your dick. "

Trust me, most people who love a woman would LOVE to know that for sure-- to be given permission.
And also-- reward the fuckout of him for topping you. Scream and wiggle and ooh and ahh and cry and laugh. Tell him when you are about to come, if you can find the words-- We woman don't always feel our desires are legitimate, and we tend to hide things that we think are not ladylike enough.

Let me start by saying that I agree 100% with this post. However, part of what frustrates me (and possibly the OP) is when I do this and that's the next thing that happens. It takes some of the...spontaneous aggression out of it, which is half the appeal for me. I mean that accurately, btw. A great deal of the turn-on for me is the spontaneous aggression sometimes displayed by my partner. Fuck, I have a hard time dealing with that kind situation from certain individuals in my home who shall not be talked about because I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT IT LA LA LA LA LA LALA SHUT UP BRAIN. Point being, it's the....I don't know, almost predator-prey moment? A lot of the time, I feel like when I present something, it goes away entirely.

This isn't what ALWAYS happens. There have been times where he remembers what I asked for previously and adds it in spontaneously and it's WONDERFUL. However, there are plenty of times where it feels like a formulaic set up and it's...not the same.

I'm bringing this up not out of a need to contradict, but I'm sincerely wondering if you (or anyone else) have any suggestions to help this aspect of the scenario. Particularly since I have a feeling that it somewhat applies to the OP as well.

 

[Aurelia_Malys]

I agree with Stella in her caution against being subtle. One thing I have learned is that I need to take responsibility for my own fulfillment and share my desires and not expect my husband to read my mind.

However, I do understand about wanting to broach the subject gradually. Sharing an intimate desire can be scary. The fear of rejection can be quite strong.

How about if you find stories on lit and share them with him gradually? "Wow, just read this story ... whew, is it hot in here?" "Honey, I found this story and it got my heart racing!" Let that start a dialogue about what interests you. Sometimes using a story as the launching point can be a very non-threatening way to explore topics. "I really like the way he ordered her around outside of the bedroom."

And again, I agree with Stella .... positive responses will go much further than nagging or whining of "you never ..."

 

[Netzach]

Let me start by saying that I agree 100% with this post. However, part of what frustrates me (and possibly the OP) is when I do this and that's the next thing that happens. It takes some of the...spontaneous aggression out of it, which is half the appeal for me. I mean that accurately, btw. A great deal of the turn-on for me is the spontaneous aggression sometimes displayed by my partner. Fuck, I have a hard time dealing with that kind situation from certain individuals in my home who shall not be talked about because I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT IT LA LA LA LA LA LALA SHUT UP BRAIN. Point being, it's the....I don't know, almost predator-prey moment? A lot of the time, I feel like when I present something, it goes away entirely.

This isn't what ALWAYS happens. There have been times where he remembers what I asked for previously and adds it in spontaneously and it's WONDERFUL. However, there are plenty of times where it feels like a formulaic set up and it's...not the same.

I'm bringing this up not out of a need to contradict, but I'm sincerely wondering if you (or anyone else) have any suggestions to help this aspect of the scenario. Particularly since I have a feeling that it somewhat applies to the OP as well.

Honestly?

Tough booty. I've trained myself to realize it, because it's tough booty when someone expects it of me. The fantasy of spontaneous fireworks and sparks is pretty much one of those things that you can hope for but it's BS to insist on it or rely on it. It's not fair to expect someone to telegraph their lust at you in the ways you dream of inside your head without them knowing it.

When I'm being like that I go masturbate and then get back to what it's actually fair to expect from someone else, which is what's been discussed in words, explicitly, and what's honestly them. The rest is my problem and my projection. I know that seems really harsh, but I've realized that my restlessness about this with T was completely unfair when I thought about the shoe being on the other foot.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Establish a signal, maybe? Like-- you sock him on the shoulder, in the midst of flirting mind you, not out of the blue-- and then he has permission to say; You getting uppity, baby? (or bitch) and takes you down. Because as a butch woman, I am usually expect to play the aggressor. And usually, I have no clue if the time is right to do that or not, it's only afterwards when I think back and realise oh shit, I missed it!

And you'd think that as a female, i would be able to read female minds. But no, it doesn't work like that. telepathy is just not a thing.

The big difference between me and a lot of men is that I can learn-- have learned to speak up. I have leanred to say; "I just now realised that you wanted me too XX. i wasn't sure enough to act on the hint. Can you please be less subtle when you want stuff like that?"

it takes a certain amount of guts to admit that I am not superpowered, so you can imagine how hard it might be for many men.

 

[confidentsub]

I like Stella Omega's idea. Might try that

 

[eastern sun]

In addition to direct communication, try behaving submissively in circumstances where you want him to take control.

I have found that asking for what I want is only the first step. It has been far more important that I follow that up with behavior that reflects my desires.

Remember, what he wants may not be exactly what you want. If you intend to be submissive - rather than a bottom - you may have to work with what he wants in addition to what you want.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I agree with Stella in her caution against being subtle. One thing I have learned is that I need to take responsibility for my own fulfillment and share my desires and not expect my husband to read my mind.

However, I do understand about wanting to broach the subject gradually. Sharing an intimate desire can be scary. The fear of rejection can be quite strong.

How about if you find stories on lit and share them with him gradually? "Wow, just read this story ... whew, is it hot in here?" "Honey, I found this story and it got my heart racing!" Let that start a dialogue about what interests you. Sometimes using a story as the launching point can be a very non-threatening way to explore topics. "I really like the way he ordered her around outside of the bedroom."

And again, I agree with Stella .... positive responses will go much further than nagging or whining of "you never ..."

I agree completely with the sharing stories idea. I have also written fantasies and shared them both with my husband and my Dominant. It is a way of letting them both know what turns me on without being uncomfortably direct. Or in the case of sharing fantasies with my Dominant it feels more submissive to me to share fantasies than to ask directly for something. They both know that if I am writing it and sending it to them than it is not just a fantasy.

 

[Netzach]

Sharing a story is great, I totally consider that an "ask" though, especially if it's yours. As hints go it's a clue by four for sure.

I still think for success, there's no way around the issue of words.

 

[Primalex]

A great deal of the turn-on for me is the spontaneous aggression sometimes displayed by my partner. Fuck, I have a hard time dealing with that kind situation from certain individuals in my home who shall not be talked about because I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT IT LA LA LA LA LA LALA SHUT UP BRAIN. Point being, it's the....I don't know, almost predator-prey moment? A lot of the time, I feel like when I present something, it goes away entirely.

This isn't what ALWAYS happens. There have been times where he remembers what I asked for previously and adds it in spontaneously and it's WONDERFUL. However, there are plenty of times where it feels like a formulaic set up and it's...not the same.

I'm bringing this up not out of a need to contradict, but I'm sincerely wondering if you (or anyone else) have any suggestions to help this aspect of the scenario.

Basically it comes down to - how do I get what I want for christmas without knowing that I get what I want for christmas?

Some problems have no solution, just different trade-offs.

 

[Red Sonja]

.

Remember, what he wants may not be exactly what you want. If you intend to be submissive - rather than a bottom - you may have to work with what he wants in addition to what you want.

This!! I cannot stress this enough... if you want to be submissive to your husband; you may find that this means NOT getting what you want. I mean, after all, part of the deal in wanting him to be dominant in your relationship means that he gets to decide.

I know because I've been doing this with my ddh for a while now. One day he just looked at me and said: "I'll dominate you the way I want to dominate you." That was it. It was a wake up call for me. One I needed to pick up and answer.

Submission does mean submitting, and that really is where the rubber meets the road, you know? There is a significant difference between bottoming and submitting.

A D/s relationship is still a relationship, of course, and that means that your wants and needs do count but at the end of the day... his come first. If we have a conflict, ultimately ddh wins. He values my counsel, but... is first among equals so to speak.

So you need to decide... which is it for you? A desire to submit, for real? Or a desire to bottom? That's what you really need to communicate!

 

[IrisAlthea]

Honestly?

Tough booty. I've trained myself to realize it, because it's tough booty when someone expects it of me. The fantasy of spontaneous fireworks and sparks is pretty much one of those things that you can hope for but it's BS to insist on it or rely on it. It's not fair to expect someone to telegraph their lust at you in the ways you dream of inside your head without them knowing it.

When I'm being like that I go masturbate and then get back to what it's actually fair to expect from someone else, which is what's been discussed in words, explicitly, and what's honestly them. The rest is my problem and my projection. I know that seems really harsh, but I've realized that my restlessness about this with T was completely unfair when I thought about the shoe being on the other foot.

This!
And amused recognition when it comes to the bolded part.

 

[MellowTone]

Let me start by saying that I agree 100% with this post. However, part of what frustrates me (and possibly the OP) is when I do this and that's the next thing that happens. It takes some of the...spontaneous aggression out of it, which is half the appeal for me. I mean that accurately, btw. A great deal of the turn-on for me is the spontaneous aggression sometimes displayed by my partner. Fuck, I have a hard time dealing with that kind situation from certain individuals in my home who shall not be talked about because I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT IT LA LA LA LA LA LALA SHUT UP BRAIN. Point being, it's the....I don't know, almost predator-prey moment? A lot of the time, I feel like when I present something, it goes away entirely.

I have had this issue in the past, and something that helped me solve the problem was to make sure I was being accurate when I shared what I liked with my partner. See, if I say "Holy fuck it was so hot when you shoved me up against that wall," it's pretty reasonable for my partner to think "OK, she likes being pressed against things," and that's true! But it's only a small part of what made that moment so hot. It was really the feeling of helplessness, the way I felt he was in control, the way it hurt just a little. I know those things, but I don't communicate them just by saying it was hot when he shoved me against the wall. I gotta let him know it's hot when I feel helpless, when he's in control, when there's some pain. . .

That being said, and with all due importance placed on honesty/straightforwardness with your partner, there is a line beyond which I don't think I should have to spoon-feed understanding. If I was with someone who wasn't able to independently learn and extrapolate some things about what gets me hot, I would be a frustrated woman.

 

[meditation]

i would add to the discussion that it may take some time - many, many encounters, even - for him to "hit his stride" as your Dom. just because you know what *you* want, and you know that he's at least somewhat interested in it, it doesn't mean that he can just... *become* your Dom with the flip of some relationship switch. it may happen that way for some, but i'm willing to bet that it doesn't happen that way for all. even those who've enthusiastically played with it numbers times with their willing partner.

beyond that - even though you know what you want, perhaps he doesn't know whether he's Dom or Top (or doesn't realize there's a difference), or what to do to really *become* that person. also, until you verbalize to him clearly where you'd like to take the relationship, he may not be sure which experience it is that you're looking for. i think the point of needing to communicate this with him was made well by a number of the posters above me, but i wanted to frame it as a part of the specific point i'm talking about... this will be a voyage of discovery you'll be taking together, and the only way to chart a course is to keep a constant dialogue going with him.

good luck, and... enjoy.

 

[knot_sweet]

Honestly?

Tough booty. I've trained myself to realize it, because it's tough booty when someone expects it of me. The fantasy of spontaneous fireworks and sparks is pretty much one of those things that you can hope for but it's BS to insist on it or rely on it. It's not fair to expect someone to telegraph their lust at you in the ways you dream of inside your head without them knowing it.

When I'm being like that I go masturbate and then get back to what it's actually fair to expect from someone else, which is what's been discussed in words, explicitly, and what's honestly them. The rest is my problem and my projection. I know that seems really harsh, but I've realized that my restlessness about this with T was completely unfair when I thought about the shoe being on the other foot.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This

And what Red Sonja said (I haven't figured out how to multi quote.)

Thankyou ladies, could not have been better said by anyone.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Thank y'all for your input as to my personal question. I do realize that I'm going to have to "tough booty" it most the time, and that's fine Besides, if life was like that all the time, I'd either get bored of it or be sore as hell all the time (probably both.) I was just hoping to get some suggestions to shift the balance of activities a little, and I like the advice I was given and I hope it helps the OP as well. Thanks

Oh, and for the record, I don't mean "subtle" as in "not tell him anything an expect psychicness". I've been here long enough to know not to ask that question without talking to him up front first I was just looking for input as to how to aid that communication, as it hasn't had the results I was hoping for. And I'm okay with that being the end result, but obviously if things can be improved why shouldn't I at least try?

 

[RuReal]

Don't try to be subtle. Most guys don't even notice it. And anyone who tops has to worry about the guessing game, if they are guessing right.

If by "being subtle" you mean "Not having to ask for what I want" you will never get nowhere. Tell him; "I really love it when you grab me and throw me on the bed and shove your fist into my pussy-- after enough stretch and plenty of lube, of course... and I love it when you choke me with your dick. "

Trust me, most people who love a woman would LOVE to know that for sure-- to be given permission.
And also-- reward the fuckout of him for topping you. Scream and wiggle and ooh and ahh and cry and laugh. Tell him when you are about to come, if you can find the words-- We woman don't always feel our desires are legitimate, and we tend to hide things that we think are not ladylike enough.

As a male I agree with this 110% subtle does not work with many of us men. Not a clue why, but it really does not. We do not understand it we miss it what ever. This does not mean you have to tell us all of the time, but if you want to change this aspect of your relationship you need to explain it to him give him permission. After that I agree reward him. I love the screams struggling and crying, but not all of us are the same.

Wish you great luck.
R