Uncomfortable feelings about something that used to BE a comfort

[Kajira Callista]

I'm having odd feelings about bondage these days. Sometimes I get really scared when cuffs go on or when I am physically restrained. It is almost like a ptsd feeling.
I can't seem to figure out what is causing it. Restraint in any form used to feel all safe and calm and wonderful.
I'm afraid I won't get passed whatever it is that is making me feel like this or that the fear will become worse.
Has this ever happened to anyone else?
Did it go away just like it came?
Blaaa I need help figuring this out

 

[Stella_Omega]

Ouch, what a horrible feeling!

It really could be PTSD. Even things that make us happy can stress us. If you push your boundaries a lot-- your psyche might start pushing back. I think-- myself-- that someone who submissively allows their boundaries to be pushed by someone else-- no matter how much they trust that person-- risks accumulating little grains of dismay and doubt, like pebbles on the shore.

 

[njlauren]

It could be a lot of things, it could be that something from your past has re-awakened and being bound reminds you of it, it could also be you are in a place in your life where you are feeling uncertain or scared and any little loss of control, such as being bound like that, is just overload.

I went through this, when I was playing with pro dommes I enjoyed pretty heavy bondage, I used to love to be tied up, bound up, wrapped up, hooded, you name it....then one time several years in, in my mid 20's, the domme had tied me up, hooded me, in this really intricate tie up that also involved sensation as well (chair with tiny spikes in it, other things)...anyway, I completely lost it, I totally freaked out, which was not something I did in any circumstances, it was pretty bad (took the domme a while to talk me down, get me back into normal headspace). It was also a time that I started noticing signs of being claustrophobic, something I hadn't seen before, like getting freaked out if I was in a subway train that got stuck in the tunnel, especially if it was crowded and I felt like I didn't have control (I can travel on a crowded train okay as long as it keeps moving)..it is especially bad when I am on one of those subway cars the the geniuses decided it was better to have the car doors between the cars locked, makes me into a trapped animal....

In therapy I figured out where it came from, it isn't really claustrophobia, it is about the loss of control and it goes back to some bad shit when I was a kid (older brother and sister who were sadistic little pieces of shit, I suspect quite frankly they were trying to kill me with the crap they pulled, including being smothered by a pillow and pratically blacking out). I still don't have it totally under control, and the sad part is even with my sweetie, I have things I cannot do, like be blindfolded and bound at the same time, it sucks.......

Hopefully it is just something passing in your life. If you start seeing other signs outside bondage where the idea of not being in control freaks you, you may want to think about working on it with someone, though this could just be something that is caused by present circumstances. Play like bondage and such has a strong emotional component to it, and emotions are subject to change

 

[Kajira Callista]

Ouch, what a horrible feeling!

It really could be PTSD. Even things that make us happy can stress us. If you push your boundaries a lot-- your psyche might start pushing back. I think-- myself-- that someone who submissively allows their boundaries to be pushed by someone else-- no matter how much they trust that person-- risks accumulating little grains of dismay and doubt, like pebbles on the shore.

He suggested that last time it happened and said maybe a break from it was in order. It only gets worse when you feel like you arent being a good girl and you are disappointing a person you want to please more that anything in the world.

 

[Kajira Callista]

It could be a lot of things, it could be that something from your past has re-awakened and being bound reminds you of it, it could also be you are in a place in your life where you are feeling uncertain or scared and any little loss of control, such as being bound like that, is just overload.

I went through this, when I was playing with pro dommes I enjoyed pretty heavy bondage, I used to love to be tied up, bound up, wrapped up, hooded, you name it....then one time several years in, in my mid 20's, the domme had tied me up, hooded me, in this really intricate tie up that also involved sensation as well (chair with tiny spikes in it, other things)...anyway, I completely lost it, I totally freaked out, which was not something I did in any circumstances, it was pretty bad (took the domme a while to talk me down, get me back into normal headspace). It was also a time that I started noticing signs of being claustrophobic, something I hadn't seen before, like getting freaked out if I was in a subway train that got stuck in the tunnel, especially if it was crowded and I felt like I didn't have control (I can travel on a crowded train okay as long as it keeps moving)..it is especially bad when I am on one of those subway cars the the geniuses decided it was better to have the car doors between the cars locked, makes me into a trapped animal....

In therapy I figured out where it came from, it isn't really claustrophobia, it is about the loss of control and it goes back to some bad shit when I was a kid (older brother and sister who were sadistic little pieces of shit, I suspect quite frankly they were trying to kill me with the crap they pulled, including being smothered by a pillow and pratically blacking out). I still don't have it totally under control, and the sad part is even with my sweetie, I have things I cannot do, like be blindfolded and bound at the same time, it sucks.......

Hopefully it is just something passing in your life. If you start seeing other signs outside bondage where the idea of not being in control freaks you, you may want to think about working on it with someone, though this could just be something that is caused by present circumstances. Play like bondage and such has a strong emotional component to it, and emotions are subject to change

He is good with me, when he can see i am struggling he doesnt just end all play (which would probably devistate me), He slows the pace and unties etc without making it a big deal.
I'm wondering if it isnt some pretty big emotional traumas that I thought were gone appearing in a different way. Gonna need to do some pretty heavy thinking I suppose.

 

[Stella_Omega]

He suggested that last time it happened and said maybe a break from it was in order. It only gets worse when you feel like you arent being a good girl and you are disappointing a person you want to please more that anything in the world.

He doesn't want his toy to break, that's a responsible owner. And it was HIS decision to slow down, not yours. Right?

Think of it as if he's stopped internet surfing long enough to defrag his computer. It's not the computer's decision. And it's not the computer's fault that it needs to be defragged.

 

[Scentofawoman]

Just my 2 cents to say look at any new meds you might be taking. Even over the counter. Look at the secondary side effects. I recently had a dystonic reaction to an anti nausea medication. Just a idea to eliminate possibilities.

 

[Kajira Callista]

He doesn't want his toy to break, that's a responsible owner. And it was HIS decision to slow down, not yours. Right?

Think of it as if he's stopped internet surfing long enough to defrag his computer. It's not the computer's decision. And it's not the computer's fault that it needs to be defragged.

Yes it was his choice and yes he made that clear in no uncertain terms to me. Knowing that he isnt disappointed and he calls the shots completely is helping me feel not so nervous already.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Just my 2 cents to say look at any new meds you might be taking. Even over the counter. Look at the secondary side effects. I recently had a dystonic reaction to an anti nausea medication. Just a idea to eliminate possibilities.

I am taking a new medication. I will have to look into that. Thanks

 

[DVS]

I am taking a new medication. I will have to look into that. Thanks

I have claustrophobia and could never be bound without a way for me to get free. I would freak out. I also have general anxiety disorder and take medication to keep panic attacks in check. Even with the medication, I couldn't even think of being in some situations like uncontrolled crowds, enclosed areas without a way out, (heavy traffic congestion even causes a mild claustrophobic reaction), or any bondage that I couldn't break free of. There is a feeling of impending doom that comes over you in such situations.

I was aware of the claustrophobia very early in my life, so I've really never known anything different. But the anxiety came later in life, more like the age of 35 or 40. Before then, I had no problems, but I did notice times when I was overly anxious, but chocked it up to too much coffee or something like that.

What you explain seems very similar to claustrophobia or anxiety and while I can't say you are changing, it could be something similar. Of course I have nothing to base that on other than my own experiences and that isn't anything someone should base an opinion about someone else.

I would check the medication you are taking, for sure. Not that it is doing anything, it could be. Like some people, I can't take some medications because I have an adverse reaction to them. As an example, Hydrocortisone or Benedryl cause me to feel overly anxious and jittery to the point I can't cope.

While my reactions are more extreme, you could be experiencing a mild reaction to a medication that doesn't bother you until you are restricted in a way only bondage can restrict you. It's similar to me and claustrophobia. I don't have any problems as long as I'm never subjected to things that would trigger it. And it's not like I have to be aware of it on a daily basis, making sure I don't get into some tight spot. Life does go on.

A medication could cause a reaction similar to this. And it's not like you'd have to stop taking the medication. Sometimes just understanding the cause is all you need to be able to cope with it.

 

[Kajira Callista]

We have been communicating intensely about my issue and he decided that it is time to give it a try and see how it goes. Wish us luck

 

[Sir_Winston54]

We have been communicating intensely about my issue and he decided that it is time to give it a try and see how it goes. Wish us luck

Good luck, darlin' girl! Good things are comin' your way, methinks!

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Good luck, darlin' girl! Good things are comin' your way, methinks!

Agreed! Even if it doesn't go as you hope, know that you should be proud either way. Even if it ends up a smaller step than you actually want, it is still a step forward. Please celebrate that. I admire you for your bravery and wish you the very best of luck!

 

[Aurantica]

I'd like to suggest always having an "out" you can operate by yourself. Velcro cuffs that you can undo if you need to, clips within easy reach, even being bound with safety release knots. So long as you CAN get out, you should have a much easier time coping with your feelings.

 

[DVS]

I'd like to suggest always having an "out" you can operate by yourself. Velcro cuffs that you can undo if you need to, clips within easy reach, even being bound with safety release knots. So long as you CAN get out, you should have a much easier time coping with your feelings.

I'd like to counter your suggestion... if just a little. I think you would agree, to many people, it doesn't feel like the same thing, if the one bound has a way out, like with a safety release of some sort. They prefer to give up total control of another, and those who bind them prefer to have total control. At least that's how it is for me. Just saying, "don't move" doesn't do it for me. I want to make sure she doesn't move.

But, if you want to fool your phobia and the only way to continue with bondage is with some means of safety release by the submissive, I agree with you that there are ways to make that happen. And, being one who has claustrophobia, I think it would be a good thing to try, if it ever comes to that.

Aurantica, this part isn't directed at you. Actually, none of this post is directed AT you.
The Velcro I use isn't easy to remove. I use the 2 inch variety and even when I want to remove it, it's difficult. I guess you could fix it so only a small section of the two parts makes contact so there isn't much resistance to separation. Or, maybe you could rig some kind of flap to assist in the separation. Still, it won't be easy.

But, if you have a 2 inch square section of the two parts making contact, you aren't going to have a lot of luck getting it separated. Simple shear strength isn't enough. You need to have leverage and at least a 45 degree angle. That's something you probably won't have, if you're bound.

The shear strength of Velcro (the force applied to parallel pieces pulled in opposite directions) is 10 to 15 pounds per square inch. This means that the more area of Velcro you have, the more shear strength exists--which accounts for the feasibility of Velcro jumping (leaping off a trampoline wearing Velcro-hook coveralls and sticking to a Velcro-loop-covered wall) as demonstrated on television by David Letterman.

A better type of safety release would be metal handcuffs equipped with a special latch (they do make these), the screw or spring clips you suggested or maybe some kind of safety knots when using rope. This mental thing isn't such a big issue, once you know what you're up against. Living with mental quirks is as simple as countering them with things that work.

 

[Aurantica]

I'd like to counter your suggestion... if just a little. I think you would agree, to many people, it doesn't feel like the same thing, if the one bound has a way out, like with a safety release of some sort. They prefer to give up total control of another, and those who bind them prefer to have total control. At least that's how it is for me. Just saying, "don't move" doesn't do it for me. I want to make sure she doesn't move.

But, if you want to fool your phobia and the only way to continue with bondage is with some means of safety release by the submissive, I agree with you that there are ways to make that happen. And, being one who has claustrophobia, I think it would be a good thing to try, if it ever comes to that.

Aurantica, this part isn't directed at you. Actually, none of this post is directed AT you.
The Velcro I use isn't easy to remove. I use the 2 inch variety and even when I want to remove it, it's difficult. I guess you could fix it so only a small section of the two parts makes contact so there isn't much resistance to separation. Or, maybe you could rig some kind of flap to assist in the separation. Still, it won't be easy.

But, if you have a 2 inch square section of the two parts making contact, you aren't going to have a lot of luck getting it separated. Simple shear strength isn't enough. You need to have leverage and at least a 45 degree angle. That's something you probably won't have, if you're bound.

The shear strength of Velcro (the force applied to parallel pieces pulled in opposite directions) is 10 to 15 pounds per square inch. This means that the more area of Velcro you have, the more shear strength exists--which accounts for the feasibility of Velcro jumping (leaping off a trampoline wearing Velcro-hook coveralls and sticking to a Velcro-loop-covered wall) as demonstrated on television by David Letterman.

A better type of safety release would be metal handcuffs equipped with a special latch (they do make these), the screw or spring clips you suggested or maybe some kind of safety knots when using rope. This mental thing isn't such a big issue, once you know what you're up against. Living with mental quirks is as simple as countering them with things that work.

Well you'll have to excuse me from using personal experience, then. Because my cuffs DO have one inch velcro, and can be removed, although not easily, by one hand. My intention was to give this lady an out that could be used without needing another person to untie her. Like you would want if panic set in at a moment when the PYL was unavaliable or inattentive.

But then, that's just me, and what the fuck do I know, right? Its not like my opinion is as valuable as yours.

 

[VanessaVixen]

Well you'll have to excuse me from using personal experience, then. Because my cuffs DO have one inch velcro, and can be removed, although not easily, by one hand. My intention was to give this lady an out that could be used without needing another person to untie her. Like you would want if panic set in at a moment when the PYL was unavaliable or inattentive.

But then, that's just me, and what the fuck do I know, right? Its not like my opinion is as valuable as yours.

<delurks> Hey, did you notice that after the first paragraph he totally agreed with you? He just suggested some ideas that might be easier to remove by the bound person than two inches of Velcro is. This conversation is interesting and probably helpful to many people; please let's not take it somewhere it doesn't need to go. </relurks>

 

[DVS]

Well you'll have to excuse me from using personal experience, then. Because my cuffs DO have one inch velcro, and can be removed, although not easily, by one hand. My intention was to give this lady an out that could be used without needing another person to untie her. Like you would want if panic set in at a moment when the PYL was unavaliable or inattentive.

But then, that's just me, and what the fuck do I know, right? Its not like my opinion is as valuable as yours.

I'm sorry if you're taking this personally, because I didn't intend that to happen. I agreed with 99% of your post and even said the rest wasn't directed at you. And I agree with you that it may come to her needing an out if she feels any panic in the future, but we don't know if that's even necessary, just yet.

Hook and loop systems are not created equal. There are many different brands and different strengths. Also, for someone to be able to pull it apart, the end has to be within reach and the chain or how ever the cuffs are connected together needs to be long enough to allow that.

When I talk about shear strength, I am talking about the shear force of pulling your arms apart with enough strength to break the Velcro connection, not pulling them apart by grabbing the end. You might be able to do that with your cuffs, too, I don't know.

There are many ways to make such things. And while it's difficult to explain the different methods in a post like this, I don't want you to think I was trying to counter your post. I was agreeing with you that you had a good idea. I was only trying to say that not all hook and loop is the same. Depending on the amount of connected surface area between the two parts as well as where you'd need to grip it to pull it apart and even the dexterity of your hands to do so says a lot about how easy it will be to remove.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Sunday is the day. We have a whole morning/afternoon to play without any every day interferences. DVS Is right, I don't want an out. I lovelovelove the feeling of not having an out...or used to and i really wat this feeling back. I trust Daddy with me better than I trust me with me and I am sure he will know if it has to stop before I will.
Will let you all know how i goes

 

[DVS]

Sunday is the day. We have a whole morning/afternoon to play without any every day interferences. DVS Is right, I don't want an out. I lovelovelove the feeling of not having an out...or used to and i really wat this feeling back. I trust Daddy with me better than I trust me with me and I am sure he will know if it has to stop before I will.
Will let you all know how i goes

My kind of woman!

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yes, as you probably remember from my posting here, I went through this. I wish I could tell you it will go away, but for me it hasn't as yet. I am continually working on it mentally within myself, going to therapy (not just for this, but I think it may be a part of the whole thing), and trying to remain positive.

It does make you feel guilty, and that does not help move beyond it, but also is not something easily shaken off no matter how many reassurances you get. F has been patient, but also has had moments when he cannot hide how much it affects him and us. I was feeling like I was getting to a place recently where I was prepared to give it a try...baby steps at first...but F wasn't up for it and I find I have slipped back. Perhaps it was just wishful thinking. Just the thought of being restrained, of ropes, cuffs etc., can send me into a massive panic attack..sweating, difficulty breathing, hysteria at times, and definately not in a place where reason prevails. It is terrifying to say the least.

I try to find a reason...and I have one I think may be part of it for me, but cannot be totally sure. Like you, I used to find bondage and restraints comforting, reassuring, peaceful...was one of the things which could help with insomnia even...far from that now and just happened overnight, no warning, no build up, no off and on. I hope for you it does come good soon.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

Happened to me, too. The older I got, the worse it got. Then, I stopped playing altogether, so that pretty well solved the problem. I'm sorry I don't have anything better to offer you, and I hope it eases up for you soon.

 

[FurryFury]

I have to wonder if you've worked through some issues that made the bondage comforting and now that you have, even though you are better off over all, that's what's cause bondage to become an issue. Like the flip side of a coin?

 

[BDSMJoe]

Sunday is the day. We have a whole morning/afternoon to play without any every day interferences. DVS Is right, I don't want an out. I lovelovelove the feeling of not having an out...or used to and i really wat this feeling back. I trust Daddy with me better than I trust me with me and I am sure he will know if it has to stop before I will.
Will let you all know how i goes

Having this type of relationship with a Daddy is very, very rare and should be highly cherished. Having the confidence to "trust without an out" forges the very strongest of relationships in my opinion. You can read my bio to see how much I believe this is so.

His willingness to forego activities so that you could reassess your feelings and anxieties demonstrates both maturity and a strong protective instinct - both qualities you very much want a Daddy figure to have.

I wish you many more rewarding years with him!

 

[Kajira Callista]

Thanks for all the understanding and encouragment. It really means a lot to me because I know and love all of you longer then I do Daddy.
Daddy is a natural at picking up any type of body lanuage from anyone and i can tell his sense of this was turned up high which allowed me to breathe easy. He amazes me. He mixed lighthearted loving playful stuff in with lil bits of bondage stuff and undid the bondage stuff moving to something else then back again. I didnt have time to feel nervous or afraid and even though it wasnt hours of bondage, I felt safe and happy and most importantly, like I wasnt dissapointing him.