Twist a wish

[Javahead]

I wish our local drop bear, Senor Grumpy pants, would stop howling out for a mate between midnight and daylight.

Congratulations! Señor Grumpy Pants has found a mate. Pity they’re both so ... vocal about their enjoyment of that fact. Especially between midnight and daylight.

I really wish that the weeds in our garden weren’t so much more fast growing than the plants we intended to have there.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

I really wish that the weeds in our garden weren’t so much more fast growing than the plants we intended to have there.

The Genie grins genially, gesticulating generally. "A la peanut butter sandwiches!"

The weeds keep growing just as quickly, but now the rest of the plants are growing faster. Especially that one bean plant. Boy, it's going up quick. And up. And up.

Hrm. Maybe it's time to go for a clamber?


- - -

I wish Corona was just a beer.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

I wish Corona was just a beer.

Corona is just a beer. In fact, it's the only beer. Once, in distant, hazy, memory, there were other brands of beer. Other varieties, even. The very old among us wax nostalgic and the young scoff. "Ok, gramps," they say. "Sure, we believe there was an alcoholic beverage called a 'stout', or an 'ale." They pat the wizened elders on their hoary pates, and slip Xanax into the Corona with the lime.

Also, there's a pandemic virus called "Ralph".

*8*8*8*8*8*8*

I wish my cats would clean my house while I'm at work.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I wish my cats would clean my house while I'm at work.

The Wish Dolly has heard your wish and smiled.

On returning home from work, you find they have tried. They have extensively and methodically licked every dish in the house, every piece of cutlery, every glass, ever pot and every pan. Happy now?

XXXXX

I wish the local pizzeria still delivered.

 

[Rustyoznail]

I wish the local pizzeria still delivered.

Your doorbell rings, and you go to see who's visiting. Like, nobody should be around, should they?

Outside is a guy dressed in the local pizzeria uniform and wearing a mask that looks like Groucho Marx. He's holding a 10' cigar that he used to push your bell.

"Hey, what did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?

Sorry but I am too mature for you.

Thanks you, thank you...

What did the doughnut say to the pizza?

If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.

Holey Smoke, that's a good one. Who writes this?

How do you fix a broken pizza?

With tomato paste.

I was stuck on that for awhile...

What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?

I never sausage a beautiful face.

Sausage - saw such. Well, they can't all be wieners...

What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?

Stiff tips.

Ohhh, hey, the kids should be in bed not listening to these cheesy lines.

Thank you, thank you. We may not deliver pizza at the moment, but I'll sure as heck deliver fun. Because I'm such fungi. Fungi - mushrooms...

And.. I'm outta here!"

With that, he jumps into his old Nash Metropolitan, plays "La Cucaracha" on the horn and putters off leaving you dazed and confused wondering where the pizza is.

******

I wish I knew why Lit logs me out while I'm trying to write a witty reply...

Yes, I know I'm a slow writer.

 

[GuessImJamie]

I wish I knew why Lit logs me out while I'm trying to write a witty reply...

Yes, I know I'm a slow writer.

"Wake up, hon," says the beauiful, buxom, bootylishous, boom-boom Genie in the baby blue teddy, to her bed-mate. "This question is for you."

Oh my, it's Bill Nye, Science Guy...

"Well you see living south of the equator entails certain detail differences compared to living north of zero latitude. Most obvious is that Santa Claus wears a red speedo since you celebrate Christmas in what northerners think of as July. Your compasses read correctly, but are weighted wrong and tend to get stuck while your whirlpools and toilets spin backwards and that gets us to our salient point."

"You have a salient point?" The Genie inquires.

"Why yes, I was just giving it to you before our little nap," Bill says with a wink.

"Your electrons spin the wrong way, and adding to the confusion you are also in the eastern hemisphere, so it is already tomorrow on your device while the server is still dealing with today."

"Huh?" Says the Genie.

"And you are an Aussie, meaning you put your shrimps on a barbie instead of in a gumbo while listening to Slim Dusty's 'A Pub With No Beer'."

"You don't know, do you?" Asked the Genie.

"No," said Bill, "but I know where your 'U' spot is."

"Well, that's good enough for me," said the Genie.

***

I wish Lisa would win a Caldecott Award (the Excelence in Learning one) for her silly story here about Olva the Egg and Sam A Sperm.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

I wish Lisa would win a Caldecott Award (the Excelence in Learning one) for her silly story here about Olva the Egg and Sam A Sperm.

She does. She takes the story down, fleshes it out to 1500 words and spends the rest of the year on illustrations. She submits it just in time and wins the award in 2021. And the success goes straight to her head and she refuses to write any more stories for Lit. She just keeps chasing her Caldecott high with more super short stories about every stage of pregnancy. The ones ones about delivery take her most of the 2030s to write...

****

I wish I reacted to stress by getting energized and wanting to clean things up or organize, rather than just wanting to sleep all the time.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

I wish I reacted to stress by getting energized and wanting to clean things up or organize, rather than just wanting to sleep all the time.

A manic blue genie with a fez grins wide enough to pierce both his ears. Repeatedly. "Well, well well... what a revolting wish, but the customer is always right! Here, this should amply improve your sitcheeashun!’

You blink, only to realize you’re now wearing a stress-sensing shock collar. Congrats, problem solved! Too bad the armored power cord is only 2 meters long... cleaning is definitely one of the things you’re going to be wanting!

- - -

I wish I had a normal sleep schedule.

 

[NotWise]

I wish I reacted to stress by getting energized and wanting to clean things up or organize, rather than just wanting to sleep all the time.

Your wish is our command. You are energized by the stress of the current situation and you take every spare moment to whisk the dust and cobwebs out of the corners and to sort the papers from your 2014 tax filing.

Your cats watch your odd behavior, and in that quiet cat-speak one says, "Mentally, she's gone, and I think she's losing weight. I don't think she's coming back. Do you remember the drill we worked out?"

The other wittle kitty blinks and rubs the other. "I'll lay on her face while she's asleep," she says, "and when she get weak and tries to stumble to the bathroom, then you'll get between her feet and make her fall. How long do you think the meat will last?"

* * *

I wish I weren't so suspicious of our furry little predators.

 

[Rustyoznail]

I wish I weren't so suspicious of our furry little predators.

You blink and realise that the furwy widdle pwedetors are so cute, and why would you ever be suspicious of such innocent widdle cweatures...

You get two new cats from the rescue centre to really make your world complete.

In that quiet cat-speak one says, "Mentally, he's also gone, and I think he's losing weight. I don't think he's coming back. Do you remember the drill we worked out at the last slave's house?"

The other wittle kitty blinks and rubs the other. "I'll lay on his face while he's asleep," she says, "and when he get weak and tries to stumble to the bathroom, then you'll get between his feet and make him fall. How long do you think the meat will last this time?"

*****

I wish we had one more week of decent sunny weather so I can get the convertible out for a drive.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

I wish we had one more week of decent sunny weather so I can get the convertible out for a drive.

And a gorgeous week it is. Just warm enough, gentle rain a couple nights, pleasant breezes. Too bad they’re the last week.

- - -

I wish cooperation was more common .than competition.

 

[JamesMiehoff]

I wish cooperation was more common .than competition.

The cute little blonde genie puzzled over the peculiar punctuation. Her pretty little brow furrowed until a light bulb appeared over her head. It was a real 45 watt incandescent bulb, not one of those curly cue environmental disasters or the more modern LED bulbs.

She immediately slapped her arms together and blinked. Smiling and nodding proudly at her ability to untangle the punctuation conundrum, she faded into a gently smoky mist and drifted with the breeze.

You on the other hand were pleased with the results. You rushed out side to see scores of people cooperating. A young man was helping an old lady across the street. Your neighbor had gotten a board out of his garage and was fixing your fence. Everything was good.

For a week or so.

Then the competition sprang up. Six boys were arrested for fighting over a little old lady trying to cross the road. Your neighbor is building the most elaborate privacy fence ever seen by man and everywhere everyone is competing with each other over just about everything.

Two days later countries began to compete and a month later the world was in shambles and mankind was no more. There was no more competition.

Except among the animals...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-oooo-=-=oooo-=-=-=-=- Hang in there!

I wish my company would offer us a decent retirement package.


James

 

[BelleCanzuto]

I wish my company would offer us a decent retirement package.


James

You ask and so it shall be! Your company now offers a decent, nay wonderful!, retirement package. You get 100% of your current salary, annual cost of living increases, health care supplement to cover everything Medicare doesn't cover. To be eligible, your youngest grandchild has to be 21, and willing to work for the company in your place, for minimum wage, until their youngest grandchild is 21...

*^*^*^*^*

I wish I made a much money writing erotica as I do now in my day job, so I could either quit my job, or have twice as much money.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

I wish I made a much money writing erotica as I do now in my day job, so I could either quit my job, or have twice as much money.

The spikey-haired genie shakes her head, sighs sadly, and whoooop! You have exactly the same income in both.

Zero.

Thank you, Coronavirus Genie!

- - -

I wish I could play more & work less, without negative ramifications . . .

 

[Blind_Justice]

I wish I could play more & work less, without negative ramifications . . .

Play more, work less? No negative ramifications? How about becoming a Twitch streamer? What's not to love? You'll only have to stream 365 days a year to make a living, you have to navigate the treacherous waters of Twitch's constantly changing payout schedule, deal with zealous fanboys and you're being constantly put under a microscope! But you can play all the games you want!

* * * * *

I wish for nothing. My life is complete.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I wish for nothing. My life is complete.

The Wish Dolly smiles. Complete = finished = over.

So be it!

* * * * *

I wish that barking dog was silenced.

 

[EvelynEden]

The Wish Dolly smiles. Complete = finished = over.

So be it!

* * * * *

I wish that barking dog was silenced.

And so it was...that night a blackness desended across the skies as a creature that defied description stumbled across your town, blood dripping from its fangs, black good cacooning its body. The first thing it did was eat anything that made a noise- barking dog among them- then it wreaked havoc across your neighbourhood. Now you all live in fear, terrified of even the smallest noise, or else the monster would come for you next... but at least you don't have to put up with that incessant barking! That's kind of a win I guess. Oh, shhh, it's coming!


WMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWMWM


I wish I could find some inspiration to write something, anything.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

I wish I could find some inspiration to write something, anything.

You wake up this morning and are blessed with inspiration. You look out the window, and that same old view is beautiful and lucious in a way it hasn't seemed in eons. As you brush your teeth and get dressed, line after lyrical line of the best prose you've ever thought of flows through your brain. This is gonna be epic! It's gonna be life changing! You realize you can't wait any longer and rush to your computer. As soon as you open a document, all the ideas fade away. You get one or two words of a general idea down before you've forgotten the plot.

You sit, despairing, and glance up, at your loved one. Once again you're filled with inspiration. This time it's the sweetest romantic story anyone's ever read. You watch your loved one move about your house, noting details, and spinning perfect paragraphs. You're already at the computer. You place your fingers on the keyboard, and... It's all gone. Again.

In a fit of anger you toss the laptop off the desk and rummage around for the last notepad and pen. You close your eyes, trying to regain the feeling and remember the sequences of words that had tumbled into your brain like snowflakes piling up on a holly bush.

And now, a new idea. A whole world spun from the innermost recesses of you imagination. It forms, fully, with whole cities full of characters and you can see them, down to the smallest detail. And you know them. You know what they will do next, and how it will be done, and all their epic adventures. You start writing, your eyes still closed, your hand moving steadily across the page. You need to capture this feeling; you need to release these ideas before they vanish. You write and write.

When you open your eyes, you realize that your pen ran out of ink before the start of the second sentance. And once again, all the ideas have faded...

{{Ok, I think I got a little carried away with this one...}}

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I wish I could eat whatever I wanted, but still be the same size I was when I was 20.

 

[EvelynEden]

You wake up this morning and are blessed with inspiration. You look out the window, and that same old view is beautiful and lucious in a way it hasn't seemed in eons. As you brush your teeth and get dressed, line after lyrical line of the best prose you've ever thought of flows through your brain. This is gonna be epic! It's gonna be life changing! You realize you can't wait any longer and rush to your computer. As soon as you open a document, all the ideas fade away. You get one or two words of a general idea down before you've forgotten the plot.

You sit, despairing, and glance up, at your loved one. Once again you're filled with inspiration. This time it's the sweetest romantic story anyone's ever read. You watch your loved one move about your house, noting details, and spinning perfect paragraphs. You're already at the computer. You place your fingers on the keyboard, and... It's all gone. Again.

In a fit of anger you toss the laptop off the desk and rummage around for the last notepad and pen. You close your eyes, trying to regain the feeling and remember the sequences of words that had tumbled into your brain like snowflakes piling up on a holly bush.

And now, a new idea. A whole world spun from the innermost recesses of you imagination. It forms, fully, with whole cities full of characters and you can see them, down to the smallest detail. And you know them. You know what they will do next, and how it will be done, and all their epic adventures. You start writing, your eyes still closed, your hand moving steadily across the page. You need to capture this feeling; you need to release these ideas before they vanish. You write and write.

When you open your eyes, you realize that your pen ran out of ink before the start of the second sentance. And once again, all the ideas have faded...

{{Ok, I think I got a little carried away with this one...}}

Ooooh, that was so evil I can't help but love it hahah

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I wish I could eat whatever I wanted, but still be the same size I was when I was 20.

This Wish Dolly smiles. Henceforth, no matter what you do or don't do, you will remain precisely the same size as when you were that slim, lithesome lass of 20 years.

However, it being the Wish Dolly, everything you eat will have an immediate impact on your surroundings and belongings. Lasagna and cheesecake for dinner every day for a week? No worries, you won't change an ounce or inch anywhere. Your clothing, on the other hand, will shrink perceptibly. The only way to reverse your clothes shrinking is to go on a superhard diet and exercise like a maniac.

+++++

I wish that back garden was already turned over and planted.

 

[Enchantment_of_Nyx]

And so you didn't. You left one-half of one percent of it behind. The remainder reminds you of what you shouldn't have done.

I wish I had an 18" bodhran.

The star you were wishing on starts to move. The night sky is spinning. When you look back down, you see that you are wearing knee breeches and woolen stockings. It's 1804 and you're in the camp of of the last holdouts of the Irish Rebellion of 1798. The bodhran in your hands has entertained your band many a night. It's been put to darker uses as a signal. Unfortunately for you, your leader will be slain in an ambush tomorrow, and you will be taken to Wexbury to be hung.

I wish history wasn't so depressing.

Edit: Please disregard. I accidentally responded to an older entry instead of the last one, and can't figure out how to delete this post. Sorry!

 

[UsuallyPresent]

I wish that back garden was already turned over and planted.

The genie looks at you funny. This isn't even a wish - it IS already turned over and planted!

The weeds will start showing any day now.

- - -

I wish I was immune to depression.

 

[Rustyoznail]

The star you were wishing on starts to move. The night sky is spinning. When you look back down, you see that you are wearing knee breeches and woolen stockings. It's 1804 and you're in the camp of of the last holdouts of the Irish Rebellion of 1798. The bodhran in your hands has entertained your band many a night. It's been put to darker uses as a signal. Unfortunately for you, your leader will be slain in an ambush tomorrow, and you will be taken to Wexbury to be hung.

I wish history wasn't so depressing.

Edit: Please disregard. I accidentally responded to an older entry instead of the last one, and can't figure out how to delete this post. Sorry!

The Wish Dolly and the Blue Genie were having a quiet discussion over on Cloud 9 about the relevance of AI on wish making.

"So, huh huh, what oh that's good do huhuh you think of the fuck don't make it any bigger actually please do that's so good Wishmaker 3000 taking over our oh gods yes both holes ummm yes work?"

The Blue guy just laughed and readjusted his form so his penis shaped tentacles gently expanded further inside Dolly and oozed out just the right amount of Genie Bliss lubricant (TM), "I'm not worried. Look at the cock up it's made of things so far. Now it's lost power and when it rebooted it defaulted to the last wish that was in it's memory. The Bodhran was so many wishes ago."

Two blue hands were squeezing each of Dolly's voluptuous assets, and a pair of lips appeared and starting sucking on her hard nipples. "Ohhh, you really know how to treat a genie right. I was mmmmmmmmmmmph wondering aaaahh, about the power. Jeanie said grrroof someone delibarggghretly pulled the plug."

Blue just smiled and magically pulled a vibrator out of thin air and applied it to Dolly's clit. "Well, isn't that strange."

 

[Sign54]

The Wish Dolly and the Blue Genie were having a quiet discussion over on Cloud 9 about the relevance of AI on wish making.

"So, huh huh, what oh that's good do huhuh you think of the fuck don't make it any bigger actually please do that's so good Wishmaker 3000 taking over our oh gods yes both holes ummm yes work?"

The Blue guy just laughed and readjusted his form so his penis shaped tentacles gently expanded further inside Dolly and oozed out just the right amount of Genie Bliss lubricant (TM), "I'm not worried. Look at the cock up it's made of things so far. Now it's lost power and when it rebooted it defaulted to the last wish that was in it's memory. The Bodhran was so many wishes ago."

Two blue hands were squeezing each of Dolly's voluptuous assets, and a pair of lips appeared and starting sucking on her hard nipples. "Ohhh, you really know how to treat a genie right. I was mmmmmmmmmmmph wondering aaaahh, about the power. Jeanie said grrroof someone delibarggghretly pulled the plug."

Blue just smiled and magically pulled a vibrator out of thin air and applied it to Dolly's clit. "Well, isn't that strange."

The vibrator was permanently out of batteries minute it touched her clit.
I wish that Tegan and Sara stuck to indie-alternative music and did not temporarily switch to pop in the early and mid 2010’s.

 

[LoquiSordidaAdMe]

I wish that Tegan and Sara stuck to indie-alternative music and did not temporarily switch to pop in the early and mid 2010’s.

GRANTED! The twins stuck with the indie-alt sound that their fans loved them for instead of switching to pop music in order to make enough quick money to pay off Sara's crippling gambling debts and get her the help she needed. Unfortunately, the folks Sara owed money to weren't patient enough to wait for the band's unique sound to catch on. Since they couldn't get paid promptly, they decided to make an example of her. Tegan's solo 2012 album, "For Sara", was critically acclaimed, but not commercially successful.

***

I wish that the government of the United States never did anything interesting enough to warrant news coverage ever again.