Twist a wish

[BelleCanzuto]

I wish everybody would just chill the fuck out about this Corona virus. They give the flu a cute name and news reporters go ape shit. It's the flu.
James

At first the Genie isn't sure what to do with James's wish, and she wonders about his sanity. She almost decides to ignore the wish and make off for some other planet. But then she thinks about it a little and realizes it's actually a very good wish.

She gets her heavy duty magic wand and creates a broad band communication channel with all the other Genies (Genie is a title, thankyouverymuch, not a name). Anywho, she gets in touch with her friends: Chad, Sanjay, Spike, Vladamir (not that one), Midori, Kit, Luigi, Ji-Woo, Gunter, and really too many more to name.

Together they cast a spell over the entire planet, and everyone does chill the fuck out. Everyone's so chill, they're just kinda hanging out in place, watchin' the world go by. Everyone's so relaxed that when the Genies start giving out real information about Covid-19 no one yells at them. Everyone's so chill that no on calls it a deep state conspiracy, or a biological weapon, or the flu. Everyone's so chill they realize they probably don't need 64 rolls of toilet paper right now, and they stop selling hand sanitizer on Craigslist for a hundred bucks a bottle.

So the Genies decide to press their luck a little. Chad (who's the Genie closest to Washington DC) wanders over and wakes up Dr. Anthony Fauci, who's the guy in charge of the US Federal agency that studies infectious diseases. So, he, like, knows what he's talking about.

Chad taps Dr. Fauci on the shoulder and hands him a cup of Tex's strongest coffee.

"Hey Doc," Chad says, "the other Genies and I have everyone on the planet super chill right now. Everyone in the world will hear whatever you have to say, in their own native language. You've got about five minutes before the spell starts to wear off. What do you want to tell everyone while you've got the chance?"

Dr. Fauci's a little nonplussed, cuz he never considered the possibility that Genies or any kind of magic was real. He starts asking some other questions, but Chad cuts him off.

"Look, Doc, you and me can talk about magic later."

Dr. Fauci nods. "Ok. First - the Coronavirus isn't the flu. Those are two different families of viruses. We know a lot of the flu strains, and have a reasonably good vaccine for them. We know very little about the Covid-19 virus, and there is no vaccine. What we do know is that infects people easily, and that a higher percentage of them die than the percentage of people who die from the flu. But we don't know exactly how much higher that is."

Chad says, "One minute, doc."

Dr. Fauci nods again. "We know it's tough and doesn't make a lot of sense that schools are closing and a lot of sports are shutting down. But we're trying to slow the rate people get sick, so we can take care of them when they do."

Chad says, "30 seconds."

Dr. Fauci, "ok. Wash your hands. A lot. Stay home if you feel sick. But chill out, don't hoard TP."

Chad nods. The spell lifts. Everyone on the planet wakes up, still feeling pretty calm. Dr. Fauci gives Chad a nice firm elbow bump. Chad disappears, off to grant some frat boy's wish about this smoking hot babe he just laid eyes on.


****
I wish my cats would fetch me a beer if I wanted it.

 

[GuessImJamie]

I wish my cats would fetch me a beer if I wanted it.

Poof!
POOF!!
POOF!!!!

Nothing...

"Yeah, she doesn't really want a beer," says Fluffy.

"I do believe she does," said the Genie, who speaks Feline..

"No, you are mistaken. She doesn't really want a beer."

So the Genie consults the Genie handbook, and casts a spell.

Schpooft!

Minutes later, after you arrive in your living room, you are sitting in your nice comfy easy chair thinking, "my a cold beer would feel really good right now."

Fluffy gets up and walks to the kitchen. Using the dish towel that is hanging on the handle, she opens the door to the refrigerator. She retrieves a cold one and brings it to you. Since you like those fancy schmancy European imports, she returns with a bottle opener minutes later.

"Thank you, Fluffy," you say.

After opening your beer, you hold the bottle opener out, and Fluffy returns it to the drawer.

"Oh, yes, this is the life," you say to no one in particular.

Meanwhile your neighbor, who for some reason is playing Pinochle with the Genie at the kitchen table says: "Isn't fluffy an odd name for a Golden Retriever?"

The Geanie just smiles and says, "I'm a Genie, not God."

====

I wish I could talk to Laurel (about this "biz," I won't even mention my stories) for five minutes..

 

[Rustyoznail]

I wish I could talk to Laurel (about this "biz," I won't even mention my stories) for five minutes..

You hear the distintive sound of a PBY circling your house and land nearby. Naturally curious, and hopeful that it's the result of your previous wish you sprint down to the park where it's landed.

A large, very handsome blue gentleman is standing by the aircraft. He slightly nods at your approach and pulls a business card out of his immaculate Armani suit.

Upon you taking the card the business genie circles his finger in the air, boards the plane, and takes off. The Catalina circles back and does a flyover at twenty feet, dips one wing and flies off into the sunset.

Mesmerised by the Cat - yes just the Cat, not the hulking genie in the suit - you finally look at the card.

It's Laurel's Lit business card! You turn it over, and there's the appointment. Five minutes. From 8.33am to 8.38am.

Sixteenth of November, 2031.

Dont be late.

******

I wish I knew what my wife really wanted for her birthday.

 

[JamesMiehoff]

I wish I knew what my wife really wanted for her birthday.

The nice blue genie with the great rack looks at you in horror and yells, "Pass!" and disappears. A moment later a somewhat perplexed older gentleman genie taps you on the shoulder and asks, "What is your wish sahib?" You repeat the wish and the poor genie's eyes got so wide, his eyeballs fell out and his beard caught fire before he yells, "Pass" and disappears in a noisy puff of smoke you could have sworn came out of his ass.

This goes on as one genie after another hears your wish and finds a reason to pass it on to another genie. Some quite spectacularly.

Finally one little genie, who sort of looked like the genie in the 1930's or 40's Sinbad movie, doesn't scream and commit genie seppuku, but whispers in your ear why that would be a bad idea.

You nod sagely and change your wish to, "A steak dinner and a blowjob from my wife."

The little genie smiles and nods, and it was so.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

I wish that some researcher would find out that the Covid-19 virus could be cured by drinking an alcoholic beverage of your choice on a warm sunny beach or by a sunny pool or even in your own backyard on a sunny day and would let the world know about it so we could stop this virus hysteria and get on with our lives.

James

 

[LoquiSordidaAdMe]

I wish that some researcher would find out that the Covid-19 virus could be cured by drinking an alcoholic beverage of your choice on a warm sunny beach or by a sunny pool or even in your own backyard on a sunny day and would let the world know about it so we could stop this virus hysteria and get on with our lives.

Granted! Of course people being people, there is a run on all the liquor stores and vineyards and breweries. Most people's favorite beverages sell out quickly as horders stockpile the good stuff. Pools and beaches and anywhere sunny are suddenly overcrowded with both sick people trying to get well and healthy people trying to stay that way. Hotels and restaurants are still closed because all the workers are drunk on the beach. Nobody set up porta johns and nobody's collecting garbage, so while covid-19 fades into memory the world is wracked with a global dysentery pandemic.

***

I wish I had bought an extra pack of toilet paper when I had the chance, because I usually do my business at the office and now that my family is at home all day, it's going faster than I expected.

 

[NotWise]

I wish I had bought an extra pack of toilet paper when I had the chance, because I usually do my business at the office and now that my family is at home all day, it's going faster than I expected.

Absolutely no problem. Poof! You have an extra 2-pack of toilet paper.

Run for your life! There are stinky people who've already run out, and they're after you. You could have picked up two rolls on the corner down there for just twenty bucks, but no.

* * *

I wish I owned part of a major grocer.

 

[Rustyoznail]

Absolutely no problem. Poof! You have an extra 2-pack of toilet paper.

Run for your life! There are stinky people who've already run out, and they're after you. You could have picked up two rolls on the corner down there for just twenty bucks, but no.

* * *

I wish I owned part of a major grocer.

And... THUNK! There's his left testicle. He's a friend of Chloe's Triad mob.

Self isolation is looking really good right now. Yukonnights may be able to put you up in the wood shed...

*****

I wish I could get enough internet bandwidth to realistically work from home until this madness is over.

 

[JamesMiehoff]

I wish I could get enough internet bandwidth to realistically work from home until this madness is over.

The voluptuous blue genie gets a puzzled look on her face (She's not very technology savvy), so she pulls out a flip phone and makes a call. Her cousin, who happens to be a tech wiz, pops in and the two converse for a moment and he hands you a business card and says, "Call Sam." The two disappear leaving you puzzled but with a business card in your hand.

You call Sam and in 20 minutes you have a brand spanking new Internet connection. Amazed at the speed you wait a full two minutes after Sam has left before you zip over to your favorite porn site and immediately download a trojan app. Still giddy you don't notice anything until three days later your computer is slower that it had ever been as the trojan has sucked up all the bandwidth and is working as a slave to its botnet masters.

Frustrated you pick up your cell phone, which is now infected and will only play Tik Tok cat videos.

You turn to the toaster which immediately throws the bread on the floor because it is streaming one hit wonders from Pandora.

You fall to your knees and wish that you hadn't made that wish, but the genies can't hear you over the sound of “Pac-Man Fever” by Buckner & Garcia playing from your toaster.

[#]-[#]

I wish there was a little more good news in the world right now.


James

 

[GuessImJamie]

I wish there was a little more good news in the world right now.


James

The Blonde Genie, who is very into retro... (You know, those pink silk pantaloons, sports bra and veil, with her open red velvet vest, tiny pillbox hat and belt should have telegraphed that fact.) Ques up her Kodak Carousel 600H Slide Projector with its "big" four inch lens, checks the bulb (being careful not to actually touch it) and loads a tray of "positive" slides...

"That's an easy one... No magic required," she says...

The lights dim and...

CLICK...

the images if you are projected on the wall.

"Remember how you said 'I wish I didnt have to go to that stupid meeting.'"

"You don't."

CLICK

"Remember how you said, 'I wish I didn't have to wear this stupid "monkey suit.'"

"You don't."

CLICK

"Remember how you said, 'I wish there wasn't so much traffic driving to work every morning.'"

"There isn't."

CLICK

"Remember how you said, 'I wish the price of gasoline was lower.'"

"It is."

CLICK

"Remember how you said, 'I wish I didnt have to go to work.'"

"You don't."

CLICK

"Remember how you said, 'I wish I had more time to write.'"

"You do."

CLICK

"Remember how you said, 'I wish I didnt have to get out of my nice warm bed.'"

"You don't."

The Genie turns on the lights and puts her projector back in its plastic case.

"You know, it's all in how you look at things," she says as she is leaving.

Only... Once she is gone you discover that you can't find any toilet paper anywhere in the whole house...

---

I wish more people liked our stories...

 

[NotWise]

I wish more people liked our stories...

By the magic invested in he, or her... Who has that magic? Anyway POOF. everyone likes your stories.

This revelation coincides with word-wide shut-in orders, so everyone is home reading your stories and masturbating. Masturbating so much, that when the recovery comes there's no-one paying attention and willing to do the work. Worldwide social collapse follows, and it's your fault.

Enjoy chipping that flint to light your fire. Do you want that rat cooked, or just warmed a little?

* * *

I wish that you needed to pay cash for the fashionable virus infection.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

I wish that you needed to pay cash for the fashionable virus infection.

You do, now.
$5 to dress like Johnny Weir
$10 to emulate Billy Porter
Very, very, fashionable, my good man.

COVID19? That shit you still get for free (not including what you shell out for treatment).

~*~*~*~*~
I wish I could spend all day drinking beer and watching kitten videos.

 

[Rustyoznail]

I wish I could spend all day drinking beer and watching kitten videos.

The Genie looks at you like you’re insane. “Really? With all that’s happening, you want that?” But he does as you wish.

On the way home after you have been placed on extended unpaid leave, you find an iPhone 4 on the ground. You open up the screen to see if you can find a contact that may lead you to the owner, but the only app that works is “Too Cute.” The kitten version. Well, the money you save on internet charges now goes on beer. Cases of it.

*******

I wish I knew how a short romance story I started has blown out to a three part novella!!!

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I wish I knew how a short romance story I started has blown out to a three part novella!!!

It's your lucky day! You got the Good Wish Genie responding instead of the Wish Dolly.

He leans in with a friendly expression and, before acting, whispers gently, "Talent. Sheer bloody talent." He smiles. "Would you like me to take it away?"

+++

I wish, it being darnednearaprilandalreadyactuallyspring, that it would stop snowing.

 

[GuessImJamie]

I wish, it being darnednearaprilandalreadyactuallyspring, that it would stop snowing.

Pooft!!!

The currently unemployed former travel agent Genie ("Is it really my fault? I mean, she said she 'wanted to experience a Roman gladiatorial contest' she didn't specify as a spectator") has transported you, your cars, house, pets, family and all of your personal belongings to the corner of West Side Road and Bad Water Road five miles south of Furnace Creek "a census-designated place in Inyo County, California," population 24.

190 feet below sea level you will never worry about snow on the last day of March ever again. Or on any other day for that matter. Its 70 degrees and 0 percent humidity at 10 am. The daily mean ranges from 55 to 105 with normal highs and lows a dozen or so degrees above and below that. Be sure to collect and save that 2" of annual rainfall, trucking water in is rather expensive.

***

I wish I had somewhere to store all of this cheap fuel.

 

[EvelynEden]

I wish I had somewhere to store all of this cheap fuel.[/QUOTE]


You do! Well... you did. It seemed like a good idea at the time to use every spare space in your house, and it was a good idea- you saved SO much money! Who would have known that you'd leave that candle burning... and furthermore, that the bloody thing would catch onto the drapes!

Look at the bright side, you get to be one of the lucky few sleeping under the stars tonight



"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'"'



I really wish I could move things with my mind. Doing dishes would be a breeze

 

[JamesMiehoff]

I really wish I could move things with my mind. Doing dishes would be a breeze

The big genie, you know the one, the BIG genie appears and strokes his beard for a moment. A lightbulb appears over his head. No, a real light bulb.

He reaches into his satin pants and pulls out a very long gong beater and using both hands he strikes the very large brass gong you hadn't seen behind you until just now. The resulting sound liquifies your body leaving just your brain with these two cute little eyes and a small mouth floating in the air.

Bowing deeply, he flashed you a wicked grin and vanished in a puff of smoke.

Now you have to do things with your mind. Including the dishes.

-=-=-=--=-=-^-=-=-=-

I wish that social isolation wasn't so isolating.

James

 

[LoquiSordidaAdMe]

I wish that social isolation wasn't so isolating.

Granted! The Genie reckons that's what everyone wishes, and imbues you with the power of astral projection. While your astral form wanders the earth visiting friends and relatives, your fragile, disease-prone body can remain safely isolated at home. It's just too bad your parents never mentioned their new lifestyle and who they ended up socially isolating with before you astrally projected into their "rompus room". You probably should have called first. Your poor eyes may never feel clean again.

***

I wish I hadn't eaten all those cookies I baked.

 

[NotWise]

I wish I hadn't eaten all those cookies I baked.

You know how this works. You didn't eat them, 'cuz the genie reversed history for you. Exactly once.

But there they are, still cooling on the cookie sheet and steaming a little in that beam of sunlight. The scent is warm and sweet, and there's a hint of chocolate and caramelized sugar in the air. You know how they'll feel -- soft and warm -- when you bite into them.

The genie stopped you once, but now you're on your own. Your wife walks in on you, and she finds you with bits of warm, oily cookie and melted chocolate chip smeared on your face. "Honey, are you okay?" she says. "Do I need to call your special hospital again?"

Your mouth is full, and your answer sounds to her like, "Nom, aggy nom." when you meant to say,"No, I'm okay now!"

There your are, under clean white sheets, in an unfamiliar room. "Are you ready to take the pills?" the nurse asks, "or do we have to give you shots again?" There are two burly guys behind her with very professional looks on their faces. Consider your decision carefully.

* * *

Drip, drip, drip. Where is that sound coming from? I wish I could hear something different.

 

[Rustyoznail]

Drip, drip, drip. Where is that sound coming from? I wish I could hear something different.

The Genie scratched her head. The smart wish would have been to fix the leak, or at least show you where it was.

She shrugs, and grants your wish.

Now every drip is a note from a musical instrument. Mostly percussion, some bagpipes, a recorder, and a Wurlitzer organ.

Enjoy the symphony.

======

I wish I could get this chain saw running reliably.

 

[UsuallyPresent]

I wish I could get this chain saw running reliably.

The genie shouts, “IGGY-WIGGY!" Poof, your chainsaw now has legs, which it rapidly uses to get outta Dodge. Unfortunately, those legs look awfully familiar...


——

I wish I didn’t have to keep coming up with a new wish every time to post in this thread...

 

[Javahead]

I wish I didn’t have to keep coming up with a new wish every time to post in this thread...

Whoosh ... you’re now magically banned from posting here. Every time you try it gets posted somewhere on the general board instead.

I wish I didn’t get so easily distracted when I’m working on a story.

 

[LoquiSordidaAdMe]

I wish I didn’t get so easily distracted when I’m working on a story.

Granted! You are focused like a laser on your current story. All distractions are tuned out. The world fades away behind you and there is only you and story. All other passtimes vanish from your mind. Your own comfort is ignored as you hunch over the keyboard and your shoulders knot up. Sleep is a waste of time. Personal hygiene is irrelevant. Hunger and thirst are meaningless to you. The story is all. Boy, I hope it's a short one.

***

I wish I could remember to trim that tree branch that scratches at the bedroom window every time the wind blows.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I wish I could remember to trim that tree branch that scratches at the bedroom window every time the wind blows.

No problemo. The branch has grown, considerably. Instead of a gentle scratching, it’s now banging on the fragile glass like a hammer. You won’t be able to sleep and your mind is now 100% focussed on trimming it.

Right now.

At 11 PM.

In the rain.

In your pyjamas.

===

I wish I could shake this cold.

 

[JamesMiehoff]

I wish I could shake this cold.

The genie gives you a puzzled look but slaps her hands together and blinks anyway.

You find yourself staring at a nasty mucussy warty ugly thing shaking your hand.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{]----[}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

I wish I could be more enthusiastic about staying home all the time right now.

 

[Rustyoznail]

I wish I could be more enthusiastic about staying home all the time right now.

The big blue Genie just stares at you. "You wanna talk about social isolation? Oi! Ten thousand years will give you such a crick in the neck!"

He waves a hand dismissively and you find yourself entranced with watching cat videos. Being home seems quite nice now.

************

I wish our local drop bear, Senor Grumpy pants, would stop howling out for a mate between midnight and daylight.