True doms?

[subtle_Dom]

i feel like this is the princess bride thread.. twu wuv../inconceivable...

Interesting question on a term i have seen thrown around for a variety of purposes. Maybe i am just not taking this as seriously as some. Some Doms/subs practice 24/7, some when they can, some only fantasize about it.. Some are experienced, some are not. To me none of that matters, if someone feels they have certain tendencies and embrace them then they are what they feel. Far be it from me to label anyone as true or fake, that sounds like an ego term to suit our own needs or hurt someone else.. I know how I feel, i know who I am. Sometimes I am Dad, sometimes I am coach, sometimes I am the nice guy down the block, but I always feel my inner Dom is there can't help it, and I don't think that any of the submissives who have spent any time with me would doubt that I have strong Dom tendencies.

So label away, as long as everyone has fun. twu dwoms or not

 

[Scotsman69]

If anyone describes themself as a 'true' anything, I run a mile. Nine times out of ten it means 'if you're not like me, you're not doing it right'.

I hate ignorant egotists.

 

[midwestyankee]

If anyone describes themself as a 'true' anything, I run a mile. Nine times out of ten it means 'if you're not like me, you're not doing it right'.

I hate ignorant egotists.

In certain circumstances this could lead to being in really good shape.

 

[subtle_Dom]

If anyone describes themself as a 'true' anything, I run a mile. Nine times out of ten it means 'if you're not like me, you're not doing it right'.

I hate ignorant egotists.

spoken like a true scotsman.... wait come back.. was it something that I said?

 

[Scotsman69]

Nope,

it wasn't intended to refer to anyone on this thread. Just expressing a general approach to such things. And it's not confined to bdsm.

spoken like a true scotsman.... wait come back.. was it something that I said?

 

[Stella_Omega]

spoken like a true scotsman.... wait come back.. was it something that I said?

That was subtle.

 

[APWriter]

Ok, I'll bite.

A "true dom" is someone who doesn't need the title or a submissive telling them how great they are to be dominant. It's simply who they are. And they don't do it for kicks, they don't do it to stroke their own egos, they don't do it to hide weakness, and they don't do it show off. They are simply the kind of person who everyone around them looks to lead.

And they can be with a sub, another dom, or anything in between and still be happy and still be that person their partner looks to for strength and comfort.

That's a true dom.


(p.s. They also would probably never describe themselves as "a true dom" for the same reason you would never call yourself a "true eater" or "a true breather" or "a true human"... too theatrical.)

 

[Maddiel1]

Ok, I'll bite.

A "true dom" is someone who doesn't need the title or a submissive telling them how great they are to be dominant. It's simply who they are. And they don't do it for kicks, they don't do it to stroke their own egos, they don't do it to hide weakness, and they don't do it show off. They are simply the kind of person who everyone around them looks to lead.

And they can be with a sub, another dom, or anything in between and still be happy and still be that person their partner looks to for strength and comfort.

That's a true dom.

Truer words have never been spoken. What a wonderful post. Thank you for that. And with this definition my Dominant is my life, my love, my all. My true Dom.

 

[APWriter]

Truer words have never been spoken. What a wonderful post. Thank you for that. And with this definition my Dominant is my life, my love, my all. My true Dom.

You're welcome. Best wishes to you and your dom!

Andrew

 

[lovecraft68]

I'm not cool enough to be a true dom.

That's the kind of term that makes me think of either a bunch of naive beginners who have read to much bad BDSM, or as someone above said someone with a chip on their shoulder trying to sound like their more "domly" then the next guy.

If anyone tells you they're a "true dom" just nod and walk away its your best bet.

 

[Maddiel1]

Your welcome, Sir. And if that is how you define yourself, then lucky is the subbie whom you finally call your own.

Good ps as well.

 

[Netzach]

Ok, I'll bite.

A "true dom" is someone who doesn't need the title or a submissive telling them how great they are to be dominant. It's simply who they are. And they don't do it for kicks, they don't do it to stroke their own egos, they don't do it to hide weakness, and they don't do it show off. They are simply the kind of person who everyone around them looks to lead.

And they can be with a sub, another dom, or anything in between and still be happy and still be that person their partner looks to for strength and comfort.

That's a true dom.


(p.s. They also would probably never describe themselves as "a true dom" for the same reason you would never call yourself a "true eater" or "a true breather" or "a true human"... too theatrical.)

You're conflating private and public life. What someone is in private life has nothing to do with other people looking to them for anything. As an introvert who isn't especially submissive and detests having other people give me instructions as much as I detest other people hoping to get instructions for me, I'll throw out that this has very little to do with what my sexuality requires.

I'm definitely in it for kicks, for myself, and for my satisfaction, without, you know, being a sociopath about it.

 

[APWriter]

You're conflating private and public life. What someone is in private life has nothing to do with other people looking to them for anything. As an introvert who isn't especially submissive and detests having other people give me instructions as much as I detest other people hoping to get instructions for me, I'll throw out that this has very little to do with what my sexuality requires.

You can't separate private from public in this because it's a question of personality, i.e. who you really are.... unless you're just talking about play time. But if you're just talking about play time, then you aren't really getting dom, you're just getting an actor who can play a dom.

 

[Netzach]

You can't separate private from public in this because it's a question of personality, i.e. who you really are.... unless you're just talking about play time. But if you're just talking about play time, then you aren't really getting dom, you're just getting an actor who can play a dom.

Seriously? You're the same person at work as you are in bed?

I'm terrified at that idea. I maintain that if you're getting what you get at playtime that other people get at work, then you've got an actor or the borg or something. Boundaries, I love 'em. I have no problem donning masks to pacify a relatively stupid world out there. At home, they are off. Simple enough.

This is exactly why people wind up disappointed over and over again. I talk to probably over 1000 men at this point in my life who chose their wife BECAUSE she was a spitfire only to find out, to their submissive heartbreak - not so in bed. This is why you can observe someone for years, but if you don't understand the delicate matter of how they see themselves, whether it's accurate externally or not, you are liable to be wrong. What people say and what they do often don't line up, but that doesn't mean what they say is the wrong version.

It's exactly this kind of "verite" and essentialist thinking that I call bullshit on, romantic and nice as it sounds. Basically it excludes almost every woman on earth from even TRYING domination on, because guess what...we're all walking a line you don't have to walk when you have a dick.

Not a single one of us is validated when we're cool collected and in command, not a single one of us is looked to for authority outside of being mom to wipe the ass of the people around us - there is no model for us, we have to completely invent what it even means. So this idea that everyone just naturally falls in line...rests more on having a big rack than on being a capable leader.

 

[APWriter]

Seriously? You're the same person at work as you are in bed?

I'm terrified at that idea. I maintain that if you're getting what you get at playtime that other people get at work, then you've got an actor or the borg or something. Boundaries, I love 'em.

You are confusing play with who the person is at a fundamental level.

 

[Netzach]

You are confusing play with who the person is at a fundamental level.

You are confusing what other people think you are with what you KNOW about yourself. I could never work another submissive for the rest of my life and never even have sex for the rest of my life and it doesn't change. I could have never told another living soul about it ever. I could live in a tree.

It has nothing to do with how many other monkeys show me their butt in deference.

 

[APWriter]

You are confusing what other people think you are with what you KNOW about yourself. I could never work another submissive for the rest of my life and never even have sex for the rest of my life and it doesn't change. I could have never told another living soul about it ever.

If other people can't recognize it, then it's not there.

Best of luck,
Andrew

 

[Netzach]

If other people can't recognize it, then it's not there.

Best of luck,
Andrew

If you need other people for it it's not real.

Same.

 

[Netzach]

Yeah, we're not too maledom centric here.

I love that no one can even FATHOM how it is outside the bubble. Yeah maybe if us "others" had power handed to us on a platter we might feel like it was our inherent awesome natural right to be on top of all food chains, and everyone who didn't feel as smoothly and naturally entitled all the fucking time had to be fake. It's a great hegemony, keep it up.

 

[intothewoods]

Yeah, we're not too maledom centric here.

I love that no one can even FATHOM how it is outside the bubble. Yeah maybe if us "others" had power handed to us on a platter we might feel like it was our inherent awesome natural right to be on top of all food chains, and everyone who didn't feel as smoothly and naturally entitled all the fucking time had to be fake. It's a great hegemony, keep it up.

Well, and it's a bit of a superficial view of men (or maledom) too, though I know you know that. My husband can be that macho dude at home, or sometimes outside on rare occasions, but at work he's savvier than that. He knows when to listen and when to lead, and his leadership style is pretty laid back. There might be some ties to his sexuality there actually, but it's not automatically evident.

 

[Netzach]

Well, and it's a bit of a superficial view of men (or maledom) too, though I know you know that. My husband can be that macho dude at home, or sometimes outside on rare occasions, but at work he's savvier than that. He knows when to listen and when to lead, and his leadership style is pretty laid back. There might be some ties to his sexuality there actually, but it's not automatically evident.

The "real dominance is naturally embedded in every fiber of my being" school of thought is like Mitt Romney/Paul Ryan economics.

The being on third and thinking you are hitting home runs disease. If you think that maybe mmmmmaybe the relationship you are handed with power gives you a push in the sexually dominant direction, then the shoe I'm describing doesn't fit. If you realize that having the same desires and XX genes would be a heap of bullshit to shovel, then congrats as well, but you still don't understand what it is to have to swim up the stream of female programming to even conclude "you know what I WANT this person to do this for me, and that's OK."

It's still embedded in you, and the general consensus is that you're crazy. The very mechanics of what you want when you say "let's have sex" have to be freaking invented like the wheel. You have to find yourself (small chance) and then fight for yourself (incredibly demoralizing) and then you have to listen to asswads dismissing your experience, your actual lived experience because if it's not easy and obvious, you're not real. In your own, purported communities. Wherever you go. And that, that is the straw that gets very very heavy.

So, yeah, essentialists on this one can basically suck a tit, IMO, and realize that not everyone on earth is like them. I'll even grant that "wow, people just naturally follow my magnetic personality" is valid, if they accept that other people exist.

It's not just maledom related. Female supremacists are likewise invited to remove head from ass and realize that they're being stupid and playing into the sexist tropes. Only I don't see any of them posting here ever.

 

[intothewoods]

Well, and it's a bit of a superficial view of men (or maledom) too, though I know you know that. My husband can be that macho dude at home, or sometimes outside on rare occasions, but at work he's savvier than that. He knows when to listen and when to lead, and his leadership style is pretty laid back. There might be some ties to his sexuality there actually, but it's not automatically evident.

I didn't really express this well, but it's not that important. My husband doesn't walk around barking orders exactly at home either -- that's not real life for most people -- but, anyway, all I am trying to say that this whole "male, natural leader, natural dom" thing is kind of a cliche. I think that in long term relationships and long term careers -- life, in other words -- things are more nuanced and complicated.

 

[BiBunny]

If you need other people for it it's not real.

Same.

This.

See also my rant a month or two ago about the rampant narcissism in every possibly facet of Bee Dee Ess Em.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You can't separate private from public in this because it's a question of personality, i.e. who you really are.... unless you're just talking about play time. But if you're just talking about play time, then you aren't really getting dom, you're just getting an actor who can play a dom.

Stella is stomping REAL HARD on her impulse to get sarcastic and lampoonish. But dude, really, you sound JUST LIKE those romance porn novels about that Christian Grey guy.

And isn't that embarrassing?

 

[Netzach]

I didn't really express this well, but it's not that important. My husband doesn't walk around barking orders exactly at home either -- that's not real life for most people -- but, anyway, all I am trying to say that this whole "male, natural leader, natural dom" thing is kind of a cliche. I think that in long term relationships and long term careers -- life, in other words -- things are more nuanced and complicated.

Did he ever have a kind of low-status just-do-as-told job, like waiting tables or making sandwiches or something like most people at some juncture who wind up in authority? If he was still pretty much the same person in that context, then this actually proves my point. We do what we have to and most people have to move in several contexts. Why this is impossible for some people to admit, I don't understand. Why it is that nine times in ten it is some XY person who can't seem to swallow it, I think I do understand.