True doms?

[daikarasu]

Alright, so, now that I have gotten the attention of everybody, I would like to ask everybody a question based around the controversial title of "true dom" (whatever that means).

Does anybody have any... definition of what they could think of as a "true dom" or is this just a mythological creature, the unicorn of bdsm?

I see the term get thrown around a lot, usually by people new to the forum, and the response that the term receives is usually a universal "whatever that means," so I'm interested in getting some elaboration.

 

[CutieMouse]

I've had more than one person tell me I'm not a "true submissive" because I don't meet *their* idea of "how to be submissive". The same thing happens to dominants.

Although I've never been able to get anyone who uses that phrase ("True Dominant") to define exactly what that is...

 

[sereneone4u]

I've had more than one person tell me I'm not a "true submissive" because I don't meet *their* idea of "how to be submissive". The same thing happens to dominants.

Although I've never been able to get anyone who uses that phrase ("True Dominant") to define exactly what that is...

At least you are not a sub accused of being a Domme.

But then you could have, I don't know, do I?

 

[kiwi_submissive]

I don't know about others but when I hear someone using the term true dom (or true sub) for that matter I start laughing because I know straight away that they take BDSM and themselves much to seriously.

I know a few doms that label themselves true doms, they tend to be the predatory types that will tell naive young sub that they are a true dom and will look after them but the other people that are interested in the sub are not true doms.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Nope.

Some people dominate out of strength, some out of weakness.
There are long lists of personality traits -- and motivations-- that can lead to a person being happier in a dominant role than otherwise. Some of those traits are not much of a social problem if they are cultivated, some of them could end up being simply godawful for everyone in the vicinity.

 

[CutieMouse]

At least you are not a sub accused of being a Domme.

But then you could have, I don't know, do I?

Actually, it's far more common for kinky people to peg me for Domme than submissive. Apparently true submissives can't be tall, thin, serious redheads with a passion for lingerie & heels.

 

[thelovingsadist]

A true dominant is someone who dominates. It's kind of a dictionary definition thing.

That said, there are a lot of people who take it way too seriously and get egotistic about it. Most of them are, as others have said, either predators or simply take it way too seriously.

However, there are also those who are more experienced. Those who have been doing this for a long time, and who know the rules of the community and the lifestyle. People who have already made all the mistakes that younger dominant like me will eventually, and learned from them in order to become better. Someone like that, I would personally consider a "true" dominant. At the very least, compared to the predators and the posers that want to be perceived as experienced and great but really know nothing.

That's just my personal view, though, based on my personal value of elders and their experience. BDSM domination isn't a secret club where you can only be a "true" dominant if you follow certain rules or behave a certain way or get taught by a certain person or whatever. Everyone grows in BDSM differently. Everyone has different limits. Everyone dominates in their own way.

And so, there is no "true" domination. There is only the domination that you provide when you dominate--regardless of how strict, how lax, or how many rules it does or doesn't have.

 

[game_master24]

I've had more than one person tell me I'm not a "true submissive" because I don't meet *their* idea of "how to be submissive". The same thing happens to dominants.

Although I've never been able to get anyone who uses that phrase ("True Dominant") to define exactly what that is...

In the end, everything is subjective. Definitions in this lifestyle are different person to person.

OP: You just gotta learn for yourself what they meant by 'True Dom.' Read some experience some, and your definition will become more clear to you.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Those phrases - "twue sub," "twue Dom" - are just one of the many reasons I'm not a Dominant (or submissive). I self-identify as a Sadist: a person who gets pleasure from causing (mostly physical) pain to another (female) person. Strangely enough, I also get pleasure from providing *pleasure* to women, especially if that pleasure either (a) comes from the pain I provide or as a side effect or a culminating act, or (b) reaches a point where the pleasure becomes almost painful, or painful.

I don't think I've yet run into anyone inquiring about the definition of a "twue sadist."

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Those phrases - "twue sub," "twue Dom" - are just one of the many reasons I'm not a Dominant (or submissive). I self-identify as a Sadist: a person who gets pleasure from causing (mostly physical) pain to another (female) person. Strangely enough, I also get pleasure from providing *pleasure* to women, especially if that pleasure either (a) comes from the pain I provide or as a side effect or a culminating act, or (b) reaches a point where the pleasure becomes almost painful, or painful.

I don't think I've yet run into anyone inquiring about the definition of a "twue sadist."

A "twue sadist" would give a physical demonstration . I tend to stay away from them because they make me cry too quickly "twue doms" however are open season for having the piss taken out of them.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

A "twue sadist" would give a physical demonstration .

Drop by any time.

I tend to stay away from them because they make me cry too quickly

That's what pre-scene negotiation and discussion are for - to ensure that crying time is sufficiently separated from the moment of the first spank/smack/stroke. Unless, perhaps, one says, "I don't want to cry until I've been beaten for at least 47.329 minutes, but not more than 51.478 minutes."

"twue doms" however are open season for having the piss taken out of them.

Anyone *calling* him/herself a "twue dom," or even a "true Dom/me," are most certainly open season for whatever one wishes. Personally, I'm not much for extracting urine from anyone. I'm just not into that kind of water sports.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Drop by any time.

That's what pre-scene negotiation and discussion are for - to ensure that crying time is sufficiently separated from the moment of the first spank/smack/stroke. Unless, perhaps, one says, "I don't want to cry until I've been beaten for at least 47.329 minutes, but not more than 51.478 minutes."

Anyone *calling* him/herself a "twue dom," or even a "true Dom/me," are most certainly open season for whatever one wishes. Personally, I'm not much for extracting urine from anyone. I'm just not into that kind of water sports.

Oh I agree, I found that twue sadists seem to think that it's either full on or nothing, there is no building up or pulling back slightly and then building things up again.

Maybe that was a kiwism that was lost in translation

 

[ownedsubgal]

although the phrasing is constantly mocked around here (and the vast majority of the time, for very good reason), there is such a thing as a "true" dominant just as there is such a thing as a "true" bluebird or anything else. in my view a true dominant is really just a dominant...but the "true" is needed in order to differentiate that person from the plethora of non-dominant people who give themselves (or are assigned by others) the label...Tops, people into kinky sex, someone who once got horny from bossing someone around, etc. i'm weird in that i think of Dominant and submissive as personality types first and foremost...so a true dominant would be any person with a naturally dominant personally generally...not a chosen role or something solely descriptive of their sexuality. there are certainly people who are naturally authoritative and controlling...some are jerks, some are sweethearts, some are respectful citizens and some are dangerous criminals; that doesn't really have any bearing on their level of dominance or "true" dominance."

 

[thelovingsadist]

Oh I agree, I found that twue sadists seem to think that it's either full on or nothing, there is no building up or pulling back slightly and then building things up again.

Such sadists clearly do not know the sadistic value of the art of the tease, and should be chained up to the Cafe's wall for at least a day as we all take turns thoroughly educating them.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Oh I agree, I found that twue sadists seem to think that it's either full on or nothing, there is no building up or pulling back slightly and then building things up again.

Maybe that was a kiwism that was lost in translation

Oyyyyy... Variations in intensity, tools, techniques... all are important, next to a necessity. If one only needed one intensity or tool or technique, why not build an automatic spanking machine and just let *it* have at it?


Ohh. Someone's done that. I don't think it's very good at the personal touch, though. And I'm sure it has no idea what to do with a nice piece of bunny fur.

 

[DVS]

If anything, I'd guess true dom means someone who can be trusted to do what he says he will and won't try anything outside of the sub's comfort zone. He stops when a sub uses a safe word and knows the rules of his position and abides by them.

There are many who call themselves a dom. All will say they can be trusted to do what they say. They'll look you straight in the eye and tell you they'll stop when a sub uses a safe word. And of course, they know the rules of their position and abide by them. Just ask them. But, when the time comes, they fall short of their word. These not true doms but posers, fakers and wannabees, not to mention the ones who are just using BDSM to get into somebody's pants. Oh, and don't forget the sociopath types.

Are there any true doms out there? Yes, but there are so many more posers, fakers and wannabees that it can seem like there are no true doms.

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

Yes. There is such a thing.

The mind is the true dominant. The human mind will not allow anything else to stand above it. Even when there is an 'animal effect' in play, the human mind will have been to it first, thought about it, and endorsed it - when that matter involves or has involved conscious choice and decision.

Let's put it this way - 'the best' dominants, always have significant knowledge from which they draw. And in the end, when someone has such large reserves of knowledge, especially involving a lot of nuances, then it is almost impossible for them to be less than 'true dominants.' These are the people who observe what the other person can, or is experiencing, and if anything, merely allow them to express their innermost feelings, and kind of manipulate them along the lines of erotic and sexual force that are already flowing there, just like riding a powerful wave.

Do they instigate those feelings? Maybe initiate instances of them more than instigate them. They may instigate them to the extent they are recognized as the enabler of such feelings.

A stupid person, an ignorant person, a stubborn person, or a totally self-involved person and self-centred person, whilst they may be aggressive, or domineering, cannot ever be a 'true dominant.''

 

[AnitaMann]

If there is a definition of this "Twue-wayism" that actually applies to everyone involved, I'd love to read it.
God knows there are plenty of people out there that believe they are the "Be all, End all, Master - King TRUE Dom" and everyone who doesn't lick their boots is a fake, and a poser. And likewise, for subs. I have been told I am not submissive enough, at times. I've been accused of topping from the bottom. I've been told that unless I live it 24/7, that I am not a "twue sub".

With every person I meet, in the "lifestyle", I also learn about new dynamics, roles, and how each person defines their own role in it. I think having the mindset that there is ONLY one way, closes a person off from a world of possibilities and growth experiences.

 

[midwestyankee]

It's actually quite easy to tell when a True Dom has arrived in town. He (it's always a "he", sorry Stella) rides into the city on a blue unicorn. He uses only whips and floggers that contain shards of Excalibur and his driver's license says that he was born in Brigadoon.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

It's actually quite easy to tell when a True Dom has arrived in town. He (it's always a "he", sorry Stella) rides into the city on a blue unicorn. He uses only whips and floggers that contain shards of Excalibur and his driver's license says that he was born in Brigadoon.

Towtowy Twue Stowy.

 

[KWAL]

Wow am I glad I read this thread. When I first. Read this I pictured an intro of high KWAL I'm so and so a true dom (like some how I'm not) I gotta admit the urge to blow that grill out would be quite tempting. But now that I have read some f the posts being basicly a tru dom just means a dom the way they are supposed to be (although totaly relative). I guess since I stay within the bounds of consentual I guess I could be called one although I would prob never use it for me for respect reasons to avoid my first response and also just seems way to egotisitical for me.

After all so long as its consentual who the hell am I to judge someones bedroom desires weather I agree or not?

 

[DVS]

It's actually quite easy to tell when a True Dom has arrived in town. He (it's always a "he", sorry Stella) rides into the city on a blue unicorn. He uses only whips and floggers that contain shards of Excalibur and his driver's license says that he was born in Brigadoon.

Are you sure about that? Everything fits me, except my unicorn is white. I didn't get that email! Damn!

 

[Netzach]

I don't think there's a really good standard for "true" but I do think there is such a thing as a "fake" but there are better things to call them in that they're more detailed.

 

[knot_sweet]

I tawt I taw a twu dom.

Tru Dom...sounds like a reality tv game show.

But then I'm a dom/sub switch so what would I know about being a twu dom? Eeeverone knows twu doms can't possibly sub. You get your dom licence revoked for that.

 

[Red Sonja]

It's actually quite easy to tell when a True Dom has arrived in town. He (it's always a "he", sorry Stella) rides into the city on a blue unicorn. He uses only whips and floggers that contain shards of Excalibur and his driver's license says that he was born in Brigadoon.

Wait, what... my dear dominant hubby assured me that all twue dominants have a Dominant's Union card, not a driver's license. Without that Union card it means you're dealing with a scab, and will receive sub-standard domination.

But if it's a driver's license from Brigadoon, I dunno... maybe I've been taking care of a blue unicorn for 19 (20 in 7 days) years for no good reason.