The Men Who's Wives Have No Sex Drive Support Club

[MrEd63]

Ouch....

About 4 years since we last had sex.
We still hug and cuddle but she has a lot of demons to fight. She knows the situation is far from ideal sexually, but her mental state can often be fragile and I don't want to make her feel any worse than she does.

 

[newhere2learn]

My girlfriend suffers from a similar problem.

You have my genuine sympathy.

Mine has PND currently, history of bipolar disorder and depression.

Phases can last from a few days, to 6 months.

Currently, were about 12weeks deep. She only has time for her mother,who she normally is indifferent towards. Mainly because she doesn't force her to deal with her issues, panders to her completely insane wims and desires.

Everyone else is cut off, removed, ignored, berated.

 

[newhere2learn]

About 4 years since we last had sex.
We still hug and cuddle but she has a lot of demons to fight. She knows the situation is far from ideal sexually, but her mental state can often be fragile and I don't want to make her feel any worse than she does.

Very familiar. 12 months since last sex. But in the 12 months prior to that, had it maybe 6 times.

The previous 3 years, maybe a dozen times, all of those were within two weeks.

 

[MrEd63]

You have my genuine sympathy.

Mine has PND currently, history of bipolar disorder and depression.

Phases can last from a few days, to 6 months.

Currently, were about 12weeks deep. She only has time for her mother,who she normally is indifferent towards. Mainly because she doesn't force her to deal with her issues, panders to her completely insane wims and desires.

Everyone else is cut off, removed, ignored, berated.

Every week it seems that something or someone else causes us some sort of grief and I have to try to put her back together.
She was abused and raped when she was younger, has been knocked about and mentally and emotionally abused by previous partners and now her daughter doesn't want to see her

 

[Spenser41]

It has been since 2010. She has no desire nor cares....

No I do not divorce as we have a daughter and I am the stay at home parent. So not going to leave her.

 

[newhere2learn]

Every week it seems that something or someone else causes us some sort of grief and I have to try to put her back together.
She was abused and raped when she was younger, has been knocked about and mentally and emotionally abused by previous partners and now her daughter doesn't want to see her

Swap the rape etc for a thick, arrogant and ignorant cunt of a mother... A violent and sociopathic dad, who's done time in klink during her life time, and we're there.


Every day, the world is ending.... It's always something else, someone else.


My parents don't have tolerance of it either. So I'm stuck between the two.

Fucking exhausting.

 

[Jimmythekinkygoat]

I've been with my wife for nearly 13 years, married for 8, and I would guess the sex dried up shortly before our wedding. We have a five-year-old child and honestly, the week it took to conceive him was by far the most sex we had for years.

After our child was born sex stopped completely. The birth was really traumatic and I don't blame my wife at all for worrying too much about getting pregnant again to even consider sex. I had a vasectomy, which didn't work.

She grew up in a culture where (if you're female) sleeping wih someone is the same as being married to them, so we lost our virginities together. But over the years I felt like my sexuality has developed away from her. When we did have sex it was very vanilla. She had (and continues to have,) problems and I would never expect her to put my libido before her own mental state, but it's fucking hard to live like that.

Then, nearly a year ago, following one of our random religious discussions (I'm an atheist, she was Catholic) she got talking to a Buddhist online. She completely changed her religious outlook, she began meditating which helped her with her stresses, and like that the sex came back. And it was better.

So, it can get better. Maybe when you've given up hope, something in your partner's mind or life will change, something you have no control over whatsoever, and you'll find yourself experiencing that connectedness again.

 

[LanguageOfLove]

I've been with my wife for nearly 13 years, married for 8, and I would guess the sex dried up shortly before our wedding. We have a five-year-old child and honestly, the week it took to conceive him was by far the most sex we had for years.

After our child was born sex stopped completely. The birth was really traumatic and I don't blame my wife at all for worrying too much about getting pregnant again to even consider sex. I had a vasectomy, which didn't work.

She grew up in a culture where (if you're female) sleeping wih someone is the same as being married to them, so we lost our virginities together. But over the years I felt like my sexuality has developed away from her. When we did have sex it was very vanilla. She had (and continues to have,) problems and I would never expect her to put my libido before her own mental state, but it's fucking hard to live like that.

Then, nearly a year ago, following one of our random religious discussions (I'm an atheist, she was Catholic) she got talking to a Buddhist online. She completely changed her religious outlook, she began meditating which helped her with her stresses, and like that the sex came back. And it was better.

So, it can get better. Maybe when you've given up hope, something in your partner's mind or life will change, something you have no control over whatsoever, and you'll find yourself experiencing that connectedness again.

Hi, I wanted to say that I agree with you on your post. My husband waited for me for quite a while before things started to change for the better. Your statement of "something in your partner's mind or life will change". I believe that is what happened in my case as well. Although not religious, it was a change in my mind probably because of several things that had been happening lately.

 

[MrJeff0903]

My wife and I were chilhood sweethearts and have been married for 35 years. Her dad was a traveling salesman and she lived with her grandparents with mom and brorher. She was severely abused physically, emotionally, and sexually.

When this crap started to surface, we went from sex almost nightly to nothing. We havent been intimate now for going on 7 years. We dont sleep together. I stay because I love her so much. She's my best friend. So PTSD, depression, personality disorder aside; I am staying.

Other than self pleasure, and medical exams, my cock hasnt been touched for a very long time. Funny what a man will do for love.

 

[LanguageOfLove]

My wife and I were chilhood sweethearts and have been married for 35 years. We dont sleep together. I stay because I love her so much. She's my best friend. So PTSD, depression, personality disorder aside; I am staying.
Funny what a man will do for love.

Good for you for staying by her side. I hope one day things change, When they do, she will be so grateful.

 

[Clem99]

Yep.

My wife and I talked tonight and I told her I won't expect anything. This is far less disappointing.

My wife said she is not comfortable playing now that the kids are older and would know what's going on. I asked her when there will be a time no kids are in the house and, the truth is, pretty much never. It is more than that - stress, depression, menopause...etc. So, I expect nothing from her and am not disappointed as a result. I am curious to see how long it will take before she actually wants to play again - if ever.

Self serve isn't ideal but, it's better than getting my hand slapped away and being told it's not going to happen.

I owe you guys a follow-up.

My wife and I had another discussion about life, sex and everything bothering us. It was a good discussion and I think we made some progress...enough progress to the point that she arranged to have the kids go visit the in-laws on the weekend so we could have some alone time! It was wonderful.

I know that she still does not desire sex like I do but, the fact that she did that for me, was pretty amazing. I guess there is hope.

 

[Titts4Tatts]

A wife's viewpoint. Forgive me that I'm not as great at writing/wording as many of you are.

I was married for 36 years. We waited until marriage to have sex. From the get go it was awesome. Incredible type of awesome. We would make out 3-4 times a day. Even after I had a child the sex was still great. Morning, noon or night sex count me in.

What changed for us wasn't either of our libidos. It was his lack of attention in many other areas. That's merely my opinion. I'm not bashing him. At his job he has always been a hard worker. But at home he became a slacker ,. I tried keeping up with home maintenance and landscaping. But after my 40's then 50's my body just couldn't keep up. I still wanted sex. Still achieved orgasm easily. But dammned if I was going to touch a man who was cool with me doing 90% of basically everything. I mowed the grass. I ran the weed eater. I was in charge of caring for a wee one. I washed my own car. I cleaned the pool. I killed the spiders. Why the heck shouldn't I get my own self off.

I didn't like feeling that way. I missed that physical touch. But the resentment got to me so I just slowly pulled away. And yes. I tried talking. Counseling. Begging. Pleading. Tears. A chore chart showing just how much of the work I was doing. Keep in mind I also had a full time job. I wasn't a stay at home Mom. I became exhausted and said no more. It's been about two years I guess . I miss it. I want it. Just not with him.

I wish I knew how to fix things. But I can't do it by myself. And I'm sure not going to be anyones yardboy any longer. For several years I worked harder than any wife ever should. Again, just my opinion and how I feel.

 

[Jimmythekinkygoat]

A wife's viewpoint. Forgive me that I'm not as great at writing/wording as many of you are.

I was married for 36 years. We waited until marriage to have sex. From the get go it was awesome. Incredible type of awesome. We would make out 3-4 times a day. Even after I had a child the sex was still great. Morning, noon or night sex count me in.

What changed for us wasn't either of our libidos. It was his lack of attention in many other areas. That's merely my opinion. I'm not bashing him. At his job he has always been a hard worker. But at home he became a slacker ,. I tried keeping up with home maintenance and landscaping. But after my 40's then 50's my body just couldn't keep up. I still wanted sex. Still achieved orgasm easily. But dammned if I was going to touch a man who was cool with me doing 90% of basically everything. I mowed the grass. I ran the weed eater. I was in charge of caring for a wee one. I washed my own car. I cleaned the pool. I killed the spiders. Why the heck shouldn't I get my own self off.

I didn't like feeling that way. I missed that physical touch. But the resentment got to me so I just slowly pulled away. And yes. I tried talking. Counseling. Begging. Pleading. Tears. A chore chart showing just how much of the work I was doing. Keep in mind I also had a full time job. I wasn't a stay at home Mom. I became exhausted and said no more. It's been about two years I guess . I miss it. I want it. Just not with him.

I wish I knew how to fix things. But I can't do it by myself. And I'm sure not going to be anyones yardboy any longer. For several years I worked harder than any wife ever should. Again, just my opinion and how I feel.

It's interesting to read the perspective of someone who's actively made the decision to pull away from the sexual side of their relationship. That's your choice of course and you have every right to do it.

I understand the resentment that can build up when one is responsible for most household chores; aside from the finances (which my wife does because I don't speak the native language well enough,) and the laundry which I'll apparently do wrong, I do everything.

The difference is that for a time my resentment was because I felt that as my wife wasn't doing anything else, the least she could do was sex.

 

[Larkfield61]

My wife was. Veritable sex machine for the first twenty years of our marriage then things began to change, at first l thought it was connected with her involvement in our local church, l hoped it was because she was fucking the vicar and fantasised that we could perhaps have her together over the altar one day but it got more serious than that.

I admit l had been no saint during our marriage, l had enjoyed sex wherever l could get it, but she had been the same, she had had numerous different cocks up her when we had been members of a wife swapping group.

She has always been reluctant to talk about her sudden lack of interest, her mother tried to find out what the problem was but got nowhere, apart from the fact that we ended up fucking.

Sex with my wife dried up over fifteen years ago now and we no longer share a bedroom, that is my only complaint about her, she has been a great mother and is a wonderful grandmother, l will never leave her but although l still have an active sex life with other partners l wish we could get back to the relationship we had.

 

[Mr. Briggs]

A wife's viewpoint. Forgive me that I'm not as great at writing/wording as many of you are.

I was married for 36 years. We waited until marriage to have sex. From the get go it was awesome. Incredible type of awesome. We would make out 3-4 times a day. Even after I had a child the sex was still great. Morning, noon or night sex count me in.

What changed for us wasn't either of our libidos. It was his lack of attention in many other areas. That's merely my opinion. I'm not bashing him. At his job he has always been a hard worker. But at home he became a slacker ,. I tried keeping up with home maintenance and landscaping. But after my 40's then 50's my body just couldn't keep up. I still wanted sex. Still achieved orgasm easily. But dammned if I was going to touch a man who was cool with me doing 90% of basically everything. I mowed the grass. I ran the weed eater. I was in charge of caring for a wee one. I washed my own car. I cleaned the pool. I killed the spiders. Why the heck shouldn't I get my own self off.

I didn't like feeling that way. I missed that physical touch. But the resentment got to me so I just slowly pulled away. And yes. I tried talking. Counseling. Begging. Pleading. Tears. A chore chart showing just how much of the work I was doing. Keep in mind I also had a full time job. I wasn't a stay at home Mom. I became exhausted and said no more. It's been about two years I guess . I miss it. I want it. Just not with him.

I wish I knew how to fix things. But I can't do it by myself. And I'm sure not going to be anyones yardboy any longer. For several years I worked harder than any wife ever should. Again, just my opinion and how I feel.

Are you still together?

 

[eroticspank]

I am not taking sides. But i do have to say that there is always more to the story. Remember, no sides!

We have heard that some men expect their wives to cook, clean, wash, iron, do the dishes, sweep, mop, vacuum, dust, take care of the dog, scoop out the litter box, bathe feed dress make lunches help with homework for all 5 kids and go do a full time job. Once home and in bed and running on 4 hrs of sleep a nite, she is expected to become a porno star and bring her husband to new heights of ecstasy. He works part time driving an UBER and does nothing but mow the lawn once a week.

If that is happening, can you see something here????? Something that might be amiss??

We have also heard that some women have let themselves go. Once they got their man, there is no need to look attractive anymore. No need to dress nice. No need to look attractive. Just continue to eat cheetos and Hagen Das and just get bigger and bigger. Letting herself get to a point where it seems like she doesn't care anymore.

If this is happening, can you see something here?? Something that might be amiss??

We have also heard the same thing about men letting themselves just go and not looking attractive.

These accounts are from actual husbands and wives complaining about their sex lives. Bottom line there is always 2 sides. Blame can be placed on either spouse. Menopause sucks! Women's sex drive just goes out the window and it sucks! Women hate when menopause happens! The sex drive is non existent. Oh it is there when the husband works on it with caresses, kisses, cuddling, toucbing, feeling then it is in full swing. It is getting husbands to do that not all the time but enough time to make it happen. I am blessed that my husband does that but i know that there are times when he really doesnt want to put in all that time to hopefully get me to respond. Not that he is lazy, hell i wouldnt want to do that effort all the time either!

Work on it together. Only together will you solve the lack of sex problem.

Some great points here and I feel the key to this thread is letting people vent and air their issues. Most of us who read the posts try to sympathize with the author but also know there are two sides to every story.

I really feel like the main problem to all of this is the fundamental difference to how men and women think about sex. I think if I could describe it correctly and fully I probably could write a book and makes lots of money.

I would use a food analogy. Men tend to think of sex like eating dinner. Sometimes it is formal with candlelight, a nice setting, and soft music. Other times it is quick like a fast food drive through. When you are hungry, you eat and everyone needs to eat. You don't go to a formal dinner starving, so you make sure you have something to eat before otherwise you will not be able to concentrate on the meal and your lady will not have a good time. A snack during the day can be a good option.

For women sex seems to be like a formal dinner all the time. It is more about setting the stage, the mood, the lighting, etc. There are times when fast food sex is okay but that is only okay when feelings for her partner are strong and flowing. Even in that case most of the time it is a formal dinner mindset women have about sex. Think about a formal dinner and how many things can go wrong to mess it up? You have to be there at a certain time, the expectation of good food, a wardrobe malfunction, traffic, too noisy restaurant etc, etc. In some ways sex can go wrong as easily with the same mindset. If there is something on her mind, a phone call, a door bell, a text, a bad comment, even something as simple as no music or candles can ruin the moment.

The woman likes the idea of a formal dinner because there is a lot of forethought involved. He had to pick the restaurant based on what she likes to eat, get reservations, plan on when to do it, surprise her, and save up to pay for it. All of that is done in celebration of his love and caring for her. Even when this goes wrong there is still the thought that counts. I get the idea from this thread that the "formal dinner" sex is more important at the later stages of a relationship for the woman and fast food sex becomes more important for the man. Once we fall into our roles and get to know each other there needs to be a continual building of the loving relationship. Men don't get snacks from their wives anymore because there is no formal dinner sex. So fast food sex becomes more important to the men pushing them further a part.

I don't know the answers, these are just my thoughts and observations.

ES

 

[eroticspank]

A wife's viewpoint. Forgive me that I'm not as great at writing/wording as many of you are.

I was married for 36 years. We waited until marriage to have sex. From the get go it was awesome. Incredible type of awesome. We would make out 3-4 times a day. Even after I had a child the sex was still great. Morning, noon or night sex count me in.

What changed for us wasn't either of our libidos. It was his lack of attention in many other areas. That's merely my opinion. I'm not bashing him. At his job he has always been a hard worker. But at home he became a slacker ,. I tried keeping up with home maintenance and landscaping. But after my 40's then 50's my body just couldn't keep up. I still wanted sex. Still achieved orgasm easily. But dammned if I was going to touch a man who was cool with me doing 90% of basically everything. I mowed the grass. I ran the weed eater. I was in charge of caring for a wee one. I washed my own car. I cleaned the pool. I killed the spiders. Why the heck shouldn't I get my own self off.

I didn't like feeling that way. I missed that physical touch. But the resentment got to me so I just slowly pulled away. And yes. I tried talking. Counseling. Begging. Pleading. Tears. A chore chart showing just how much of the work I was doing. Keep in mind I also had a full time job. I wasn't a stay at home Mom. I became exhausted and said no more. It's been about two years I guess . I miss it. I want it. Just not with him.

I wish I knew how to fix things. But I can't do it by myself. And I'm sure not going to be anyones yardboy any longer. For several years I worked harder than any wife ever should. Again, just my opinion and how I feel.

One of the biggest things to end relationships I am told is resentment. If one partner has any kind of resentment and it is not resolved that can turn into anger and even end the relationship. I went through therapy years ago and I did not realize how many things she resented about me. It took the both of us to work through it, but in most cases one partner never knows the resentment exists.

In your discussion above you could pay someone to do the yard work but your resentment of your husband not doing his part may still be there until he works with you and acknowledges your feelings.

When I was in therapy, I was told many times resentment comes from making things up in your head. It is something we do all the time our minds trying to make sense of things. It does not mean there is something wrong with you. Example: My girlfriend turns me down when I ask her to dance. In my head I think she does not want to dance because I am not a good dancer. Instead of asking her why, I accept that theory I made up and become sad the rest of the evening.

So when your husband is not doing all of the work, or at least his part you might think it is because he does not care about you anymore. Unless he told you that himself, it is something that you made up. That is ONE possibility just as his thought that you really enjoyed doing all the yard work by yourself and that he is in the way when you are doing it could be another. I could go on. (Your feelings are very important whatever he is thinking.)

Just remember IF both partners are honest about their feelings nothing ever has to be made up, you just ask. In some cases it can be a simple misunderstanding in other cases it will take A LOT of discussion to understand each other.

The hard part is listening to my partner describe her feelings. It may involve her thinking I don't care or making up some bad thoughts I don't have. I may tell her that I don't feel that way but if she is still feeling like I don't care that is where the discussion and understanding comes. So for me it is important not to get angry that she made up some thoughts that I don't have, it is more about me understanding why she is feeling that way. In some cases just understanding, not fixing, will lift resentment and lead to resolution.

To summarize:

We all make up reasons why are partners are doing things. While it is best to ask why they are doing what they are doing, it is most important deal with the feelings in the first place. That involves both people talking and listening.

ES

 

[Jimmythekinkygoat]

My wife and I both have some issues which make being on the same page at the same time virtually impossible. We're both in the middle of psychotherapy to figure what those issues are. In her case the suggested possibilities have been ADD, borderline personality disorder, or bi-polar II, with the latter being her psychologist's preference. I'm "almost certainly" (says my psychologist) on the autistic spectrum.

The upshot of our respective issues is that my wife frequently wants to do things that I don't. I need planning and notifications and warnings; she likes to stop and dance in the middle of supermarkets. And it's taken us years to understand why we both feel how we do and appreciate that her desire to dance is mostly as out of her control as my revulsion of the idea is, and that our resentments are, frankly, nonsense.

Translating that to our (lack of) bedroom activity meant having a conversation along the lines of "sometimes I don't want sex, and that's not because I don't find you attractive." Which seems like common sense but it took us 12 years to say to each other.

 

[KimGordon67]

I think expectations/desires can be mismatched in this respect, but I don't know that it's inevitably gendered. I'd actually prefer fairly 'functional' sex (although with love) a lot of the time - I'm tired, and I don't always have the energy for the three ring circus.

Some great points here and I feel the key to this thread is letting people vent and air their issues. Most of us who read the posts try to sympathize with the author but also know there are two sides to every story.

I really feel like the main problem to all of this is the fundamental difference to how men and women think about sex. I think if I could describe it correctly and fully I probably could write a book and makes lots of money.

I would use a food analogy. Men tend to think of sex like eating dinner. Sometimes it is formal with candlelight, a nice setting, and soft music. Other times it is quick like a fast food drive through. When you are hungry, you eat and everyone needs to eat. You don't go to a formal dinner starving, so you make sure you have something to eat before otherwise you will not be able to concentrate on the meal and your lady will not have a good time. A snack during the day can be a good option.

For women sex seems to be like a formal dinner all the time. It is more about setting the stage, the mood, the lighting, etc. There are times when fast food sex is okay but that is only okay when feelings for her partner are strong and flowing. Even in that case most of the time it is a formal dinner mindset women have about sex. Think about a formal dinner and how many things can go wrong to mess it up? You have to be there at a certain time, the expectation of good food, a wardrobe malfunction, traffic, too noisy restaurant etc, etc. In some ways sex can go wrong as easily with the same mindset. If there is something on her mind, a phone call, a door bell, a text, a bad comment, even something as simple as no music or candles can ruin the moment.

The woman likes the idea of a formal dinner because there is a lot of forethought involved. He had to pick the restaurant based on what she likes to eat, get reservations, plan on when to do it, surprise her, and save up to pay for it. All of that is done in celebration of his love and caring for her. Even when this goes wrong there is still the thought that counts. I get the idea from this thread that the "formal dinner" sex is more important at the later stages of a relationship for the woman and fast food sex becomes more important for the man. Once we fall into our roles and get to know each other there needs to be a continual building of the loving relationship. Men don't get snacks from their wives anymore because there is no formal dinner sex. So fast food sex becomes more important to the men pushing them further a part.

I don't know the answers, these are just my thoughts and observations.

ES

 

[SlutAddicted]

I am not taking sides. But i do have to say that there is always more to the story. Remember, no sides!

We have heard that some men expect their wives to cook, clean, wash, iron, do the dishes, sweep, mop, vacuum, dust, take care of the dog, scoop out the litter box, bathe feed dress make lunches help with homework for all 5 kids and go do a full time job. Once home and in bed and running on 4 hrs of sleep a nite, she is expected to become a porno star and bring her husband to new heights of ecstasy. He works part time driving an UBER and does nothing but mow the lawn once a week.

If that is happening, can you see something here????? Something that might be amiss??

We have also heard that some women have let themselves go. Once they got their man, there is no need to look attractive anymore. No need to dress nice. No need to look attractive. Just continue to eat cheetos and Hagen Das and just get bigger and bigger. Letting herself get to a point where it seems like she doesn't care anymore.

If this is happening, can you see something here?? Something that might be amiss??

We have also heard the same thing about men letting themselves just go and not looking attractive.

These accounts are from actual husbands and wives complaining about their sex lives. Bottom line there is always 2 sides. Blame can be placed on either spouse. Menopause sucks! Women's sex drive just goes out the window and it sucks! Women hate when menopause happens! The sex drive is non existent. Oh it is there when the husband works on it with caresses, kisses, cuddling, toucbing, feeling then it is in full swing. It is getting husbands to do that not all the time but enough time to make it happen. I am blessed that my husband does that but i know that there are times when he really doesnt want to put in all that time to hopefully get me to respond. Not that he is lazy, hell i wouldnt want to do that effort all the time either!

Work on it together. Only together will you solve the lack of sex problem.

There are two sides to every story but as some say maybe there are really three sides. His, hers and the truth. The "truth" is difficult to pin down when dealing with personal feelings but it is a useful concept to keep in mind because it highlights the possibility and even likelihood that one partner is approaching things in a more constructive manner than the other.

As much as it is critical to acknowledge both points of view, a knee jerk reaction to always give both views equal weight gives either party the capacity to hijack the conversation by just digging in their heels and refusing to open their minds. We can talk all day about communication but what if one partner reserves the right to deny there is any issue to talk about. What if one partner only sees the relationship through the lense of stereotypes or what their mom thinks is supposed to happen as a means of dismissing their partner's point of view?

When there is a problem the "blame" is rarely split 100/0 but that doesn't mean it is 50/50.

 

[littlecordelera]

A wife's viewpoint. Forgive me that I'm not as great at writing/wording as many of you are.

I was married for 36 years. We waited until marriage to have sex. From the get go it was awesome. Incredible type of awesome. We would make out 3-4 times a day. Even after I had a child the sex was still great. Morning, noon or night sex count me in.

What changed for us wasn't either of our libidos. It was his lack of attention in many other areas. That's merely my opinion. I'm not bashing him. At his job he has always been a hard worker. But at home he became a slacker ,. I tried keeping up with home maintenance and landscaping. But after my 40's then 50's my body just couldn't keep up. I still wanted sex. Still achieved orgasm easily. But dammned if I was going to touch a man who was cool with me doing 90% of basically everything. I mowed the grass. I ran the weed eater. I was in charge of caring for a wee one. I washed my own car. I cleaned the pool. I killed the spiders. Why the heck shouldn't I get my own self off.

I didn't like feeling that way. I missed that physical touch. But the resentment got to me so I just slowly pulled away. And yes. I tried talking. Counseling. Begging. Pleading. Tears. A chore chart showing just how much of the work I was doing. Keep in mind I also had a full time job. I wasn't a stay at home Mom. I became exhausted and said no more. It's been about two years I guess . I miss it. I want it. Just not with him.

I wish I knew how to fix things. But I can't do it by myself. And I'm sure not going to be anyones yardboy any longer. For several years I worked harder than any wife ever should. Again, just my opinion and how I feel.

This thread has turned into the "He-Man Women Hater's Club." Any suggestion that a male might be at fault is simply unacceptable.

 

[mark_j]

This thread has turned into the "He-Man Women Hater's Club." Any suggestion that a male might be at fault is simply unacceptable.

Who pissed in your corn flakes?

What I see is most of these men are trying to understand what happened to their relationships and why it seems that no matter what they do or don't do, the sexual side has been cut off.

Then again, maybe this doesn't surprise me since the general cliché would be:

Rule 1.... I have the pussy, so I get to make all the rules and the rules are subject to change without notice at any time.

Rule 2.... The man can never know ALL the rules.

Rule 3.... If the man somehow figures out The Rules, see Rule 1.

 

[KimGordon67]

... but you're saying the women aren't being blamed? Really? In what universe are these the 'three rules'?
As I think I've stated above, when I was in the 'I really can't handle sex' zone, I had no freaking idea why, but I knew it was a problem ... but a problem I couldn't work out, so found extremely difficult to talk about. I wasn't making any 'rules'. I was just a bit freaked out.

Who pissed in your corn flakes?

What I see is most of these men are trying to understand what happened to their relationships and why it seems that no matter what they do or don't do, the sexual side has been cut off.

Then again, maybe this doesn't surprise me since the general cliché would be:

Rule 1.... I have the pussy, so I get to make all the rules and the rules are subject to change without notice at any time.

Rule 2.... The man can never know ALL the rules.

Rule 3.... If the man somehow figures out The Rules, see Rule 1.

 

[gamegamale]

My wife and I were chilhood sweethearts and have been married for 35 years. Her dad was a traveling salesman and she lived with her grandparents with mom and brorher. She was severely abused physically, emotionally, and sexually.

When this crap started to surface, we went from sex almost nightly to nothing. We havent been intimate now for going on 7 years. We dont sleep together. I stay because I love her so much. She's my best friend. So PTSD, depression, personality disorder aside; I am staying.

Other than self pleasure, and medical exams, my cock hasnt been touched for a very long time. Funny what a man will do for love.

You're a better man than most.

 

[policywank]

I tend to think that both genders feel as though they get most of the blame. There is certainly lots of basis for women to believe that the factors we face in our lives are under appreciated including how they affect our sex drive. But a lot of people also default to what the man needs to do to woo his wife. And a lot of people (not all but a lot) here and elsewhere project our own experiences onto each situation.

None of us can really say we are trying to be balanced until we can hear the challenges faced by the opposite sex and at least entertain the possibility that they have a legitimate point. Not that all women or men are at fault but that in any given situation there is equal possibility of either.

Personally I find that some kind of acknowledgement goes a long way to getting people talking. There may be perfectly good reasons why one spouse is not being attentive but sometimes we are too quick to accept the excuse and put the onus back onto the other party to be more understanding.

For instance, he is busy and stressed out at work so she should be more understanding is subtly but importantly different from he is in fact neglecting his wife's sexual needs because he is busy and stressed out at work. The reason is legitimate and her understanding is required but it doesn't gloss over the fact of the neglect. Likewise if she is depressed about post baby weight gain and generally exhausted that is good reason why he needs to be more understanding but it shouldn't be ignored that she is neglecting his sexual needs.

By acknowledging the neglect we don't need to vilify that party but we do need to avoid creating a situation where the presence of an excuse negates the fact of the neglect. In the examples above his work issues don't make her wrong for wanting sexual contact and her state of mind don't make him wrong for wanting sex. Perhaps neglect is too strong of a word but I think people know what I mean. The onus isn't just on the neglected to be more understanding but is also on the partner to address whatever is causing the situation.

And often a good place to start is to avoid gender stereotypes and listen to your spouse more than outsiders who want to make you feel good by agreeing with you.