Garelock
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 11, 2003
- Posts
- 181
As fate would have it the time seemed to be appropriate for the professional asshole about to take the stage. Equally as ironic was the smell of this place that appeared to be littered with the stench of cigar smoke that illuminated the joint in coughing and future cancer issues. However, a light of the evening arrived as the distinguished guests made their rounds to the usual tables. A social club this was. With the lights so dim and the drinks so few the idea of having so many people in one placed was obviously idiotic and very poorly managed. HARK! That is to the naked eye. Nobody came here for the good food or the awesome alcohol. Who the hell would give a damn about that? It's like going to the grocery store and expecting that same homeless guy to do a different dance routine like a monkey to a music box to be entertaining. It just didn't work that way.
The night wasn't going to be smooth. At least not from certain stand points. The club itself had the horrible brand name of "Hellraiser." Oh how appropriate was that. This place was spawned for the idea of having insulting comedians perform. Those same jesters of sorts would say things that were totally insulting and would be indictative of the reason why even god would have to be pro-choice in wishing that they would've been aborted at birth. Totalitarian ideals would be great in these situations. Over fifty comedians who have been here have either been gang assaulted or killed because of their loud mouth nature. Of course this place was in Las Vegas, Nevada. Nothing seemed to be forbidden here. The sad part was that there were actually idiots who had the nerve to bring their children here amongst cigarette and cigar smoke, drunk idiots, poorly dressed women and the usual gang of wild animals that catalized themselves from the wood works. Oh what a wonderful inspiration to be here in such a dwelling spot where even the filthiest of dogs wouldn't come to in fear of being called something terrible.
"You're on in five TC. Damnit Terrance! I told you to be ready. Sheesh! Look at you! It's not enough that I allow you to keep your job because your jokes suck more than a two dollar hooker on fifty cent day. You have to show up looking like Alice Cooper's pet hamster with AIDs?" inquired the stage manager.
"Man shut what they call the fuck up. I'm goin', I'm goin'. And what the hell do you mean you ALLOWED me to keep my job? I'm the best you got. I mean, what the hell are you going to do if I leave? Do the jokes yourself? HA! I think having anal sex with a cactus is less torture than hearing about your pathetic life," responded the smart mouth comedian.
Terrance Covington was the new guy. Well, about as new as one can get around here. He seemed to be more trouble than he was worth. The stage manager was totally incorrect about him. The guy was good. Sure, he got a few drinks throw at him and got a few death threats for his normal routines but he got the job done when it came to drawing a crowd. He appeared to be one of those "bad boy" types that intrigued people. For example, for some odd reason, a bulk of women seemed to love the bad boys who'd say horrible things to them. Well, for Terrance or "TC" as most called him, it's the same case only it worked for both men and women.
"Just get your ass out there!" yelled the boss.
Terrance was on. Boy did he look like a damn fool. He was wearing a yellow and purple stripe suit with shiny purple shoes, a yellow tie and a yellow top hat. He looked like down syndromed Willy Wonka on cocaine but TC didn't care. His strange attire was apart of his act. Of course it didn't help that the stage lights were so bright. That would only bring more attention to his clothing more so than his jokes/insults. With him being an African American he definitely stood out wearing this type of garbage. TC was temporarily blinded for about five seconds when the heavenly lights hit. When he regained his vision he discovered that there was a full house. Most of the people who came here were here because of him. He didn't know that. Hell, he wouldn't even care for that matter.
Those eyes of his spotted the circular shaped tables lined up through the ballroom sized club. The drink bar was located to the back and the lights above were on a constant high beam. They'd only be on high beams if a comedian was about to perform versus them being so dim earlier.
The microphone got a man-handling grip from the twenty eight year old comedian. A sea of clapping erupted once the people got a clear view of just who it was on stage. "Las VEGAS! Woooo! How ya'll feeling?" he asked. TC didn't give anyone time to answer. "Who the fuck cares?" he quickly spat out.
"That's right Vegas. Ol' TC here is sick of shit. That's right. I'm sick. That's the focus for tonight. You see, nothing ever changes until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. So, know what I'm sick and tired of...wait for it...wait for it...wait for it...WOMEN!" he shouted. The booing wasn't so nice coming from the female crowd. Of course the battle brigade of men did do their share of helping by clapping for the man.
"Women, I know this is going to seem really fucked up to say but ya'll have changed. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of you. Ya know, once upon a time, I used to look at gay guys and be like, 'why the fuck you gay?' See, women are the reason why I don't think gay guys really are born gay. Well, at least not a lot of them. Sure, there may be those exceptions but not every gay guy is born that way. And for the ones who aren't do you really think a man wakes up one morning and says, 'know what? For a reason that has nothing to do with women I'm gonna go suck me a cock today! NO! Women CAUSE that shit. Why do they do it? Because women have changed. Ya'll asses are ungrateful, ya whine too much, you want too much shit and women are about to drive my black ass crazy as shit," he said.
"Women have changed like a motherfucker. Once upon a time, a dozen of roses could get you laid. Now? You better bring that bitch a personal jet, a pet chihahua and a damn new car like Johnny from the Price is fucking Right if you want to get some pussy. I mean, SHIT! And you know what I really hate? Women who like to use your ass for money. Here, let me give you some reasons why I say this shit. Women, listen up carefully. Just because I take your ass out on a date doesn't mean that you can order whatever the fuck you wanna order," he projected. Boy did the men clap for that and holy shit did the women boo him.
"That's right bitch. If you know good and fucking well that you wouldn't be eating a damn lobster on the regular don't change your damn diet just because you met my ass. Don't order a damn soda; get water. Don't get damn desert because that's how the whole 'I get fat after I meet you but I already got your dick on a string so you're stuck with my ass' complex starts off. Don't argue with my ass to give the waiter a damn tip. I'll give his ass a tip. Don't put your dick in a meat grinder. It MAY hurt," he finished off with.
"Another thing I really hate about women is when they start talking about how fat they are. Bitch, shut your ass up. Only in America do people worry about that shit. You think an Ethiopian is like, 'oh shit I'm fat! I need to go on a diet!' NO! And then women come up to us men and ask something like this, 'honey, does this dress make me look fat?' No bitch, but your stomach could be the culprit," he so rudely shot out towards the crowd. Some of the women who weren't so skinny took a very serious issue with that.
"Enough about women though...Vegas, you know why I like you guys? You don't get into this religion shit too often. You got a lot of Atheists here just like me and I like that. Look, people ask me all the time about why I don't believe in god and shit. Alright, check this out playa...it's not that I hate god or don't want him to exist. I just have a problem with the idea of a man watching me 24/7. I mean, that's fucking creepy. Isn't that like free porn? Motherfucker, you got streets paved in fucking gold but you can't afford the Spice channel like everybody else?" he asked.
"Naw, naw, but it's not just Christians that get on my nerves. It's kinda like Scientology. Oh, I know everybody is gonna ask what the hell's wrong with Scientology. Think about it...every affiliation has a celebrity mascot. Like, Buddhism has Russell Simmons. Atheism has Christopher Hitchens. Christianity has George Bush and his dad. Personal god complexs have people like Marilyn Manson. But what the fuck does Scientology have? Tom Cruise? And you got the guy who played in damn Grease? And you want me to take you seriously?" he asked.
"On another note about that I tie in religion with race. I'm so sick of black people being Christian just because they're black. And another thing...I'm sick of the fucking race card. People, if you're black, get over that bullshit. You know, I heard two conversations that were kind of funny. I had a black guy come to me and say, 'so, you believe that we came from monkeys, do you? That means that you have a low self-esteem because you think we evolved from Grape Ape or something.' Know what I said to him? It went like this, 'turn with me in your bibles to the book of Genesis. It says there that god made us from dirt and spit. So, let me get this straight...I have a low self-esteem because I think we came from apes but you DON'T have a low self-esteem because you think that we came from the same surface that apes have been known to pee on; dirt.' And it gets worse. I had a black guy criticize someone for being a Satanist, and, more importantly, for not being a Christian. I was like, 'bitch, read up on your history. Black people are responsible for some the world's most unusual religions. What religious faith was Konta Kinta from Roots? He was fucking Muslim ya jackass in a box! To criticize someone for being something other than Christian is like pissing on the graves of YOUR ancestors.' But see, that's how it goes with black people. You'd think that as much as we whine and bitch and complain about how everybody treats us like shit because we're different we wouldn't criticize anyone else for being different. That's why I think when black people cry racism I automatically get skeptical. We're the most racist race there is," he said. The previous statements weren't meant to be jokes more so than a statement that he wanted to get off his chest.
"That's all the time I have for tonight. Thanks Vegas! Ya'll been great!" TC said. He over stepped his time just a bit. The booing didn't stop as he left the stage and headed towards the bar.
The night wasn't going to be smooth. At least not from certain stand points. The club itself had the horrible brand name of "Hellraiser." Oh how appropriate was that. This place was spawned for the idea of having insulting comedians perform. Those same jesters of sorts would say things that were totally insulting and would be indictative of the reason why even god would have to be pro-choice in wishing that they would've been aborted at birth. Totalitarian ideals would be great in these situations. Over fifty comedians who have been here have either been gang assaulted or killed because of their loud mouth nature. Of course this place was in Las Vegas, Nevada. Nothing seemed to be forbidden here. The sad part was that there were actually idiots who had the nerve to bring their children here amongst cigarette and cigar smoke, drunk idiots, poorly dressed women and the usual gang of wild animals that catalized themselves from the wood works. Oh what a wonderful inspiration to be here in such a dwelling spot where even the filthiest of dogs wouldn't come to in fear of being called something terrible.
"You're on in five TC. Damnit Terrance! I told you to be ready. Sheesh! Look at you! It's not enough that I allow you to keep your job because your jokes suck more than a two dollar hooker on fifty cent day. You have to show up looking like Alice Cooper's pet hamster with AIDs?" inquired the stage manager.
"Man shut what they call the fuck up. I'm goin', I'm goin'. And what the hell do you mean you ALLOWED me to keep my job? I'm the best you got. I mean, what the hell are you going to do if I leave? Do the jokes yourself? HA! I think having anal sex with a cactus is less torture than hearing about your pathetic life," responded the smart mouth comedian.
Terrance Covington was the new guy. Well, about as new as one can get around here. He seemed to be more trouble than he was worth. The stage manager was totally incorrect about him. The guy was good. Sure, he got a few drinks throw at him and got a few death threats for his normal routines but he got the job done when it came to drawing a crowd. He appeared to be one of those "bad boy" types that intrigued people. For example, for some odd reason, a bulk of women seemed to love the bad boys who'd say horrible things to them. Well, for Terrance or "TC" as most called him, it's the same case only it worked for both men and women.
"Just get your ass out there!" yelled the boss.
Terrance was on. Boy did he look like a damn fool. He was wearing a yellow and purple stripe suit with shiny purple shoes, a yellow tie and a yellow top hat. He looked like down syndromed Willy Wonka on cocaine but TC didn't care. His strange attire was apart of his act. Of course it didn't help that the stage lights were so bright. That would only bring more attention to his clothing more so than his jokes/insults. With him being an African American he definitely stood out wearing this type of garbage. TC was temporarily blinded for about five seconds when the heavenly lights hit. When he regained his vision he discovered that there was a full house. Most of the people who came here were here because of him. He didn't know that. Hell, he wouldn't even care for that matter.
Those eyes of his spotted the circular shaped tables lined up through the ballroom sized club. The drink bar was located to the back and the lights above were on a constant high beam. They'd only be on high beams if a comedian was about to perform versus them being so dim earlier.
The microphone got a man-handling grip from the twenty eight year old comedian. A sea of clapping erupted once the people got a clear view of just who it was on stage. "Las VEGAS! Woooo! How ya'll feeling?" he asked. TC didn't give anyone time to answer. "Who the fuck cares?" he quickly spat out.
"That's right Vegas. Ol' TC here is sick of shit. That's right. I'm sick. That's the focus for tonight. You see, nothing ever changes until you get sick and tired of being sick and tired. So, know what I'm sick and tired of...wait for it...wait for it...wait for it...WOMEN!" he shouted. The booing wasn't so nice coming from the female crowd. Of course the battle brigade of men did do their share of helping by clapping for the man.
"Women, I know this is going to seem really fucked up to say but ya'll have changed. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of you. Ya know, once upon a time, I used to look at gay guys and be like, 'why the fuck you gay?' See, women are the reason why I don't think gay guys really are born gay. Well, at least not a lot of them. Sure, there may be those exceptions but not every gay guy is born that way. And for the ones who aren't do you really think a man wakes up one morning and says, 'know what? For a reason that has nothing to do with women I'm gonna go suck me a cock today! NO! Women CAUSE that shit. Why do they do it? Because women have changed. Ya'll asses are ungrateful, ya whine too much, you want too much shit and women are about to drive my black ass crazy as shit," he said.
"Women have changed like a motherfucker. Once upon a time, a dozen of roses could get you laid. Now? You better bring that bitch a personal jet, a pet chihahua and a damn new car like Johnny from the Price is fucking Right if you want to get some pussy. I mean, SHIT! And you know what I really hate? Women who like to use your ass for money. Here, let me give you some reasons why I say this shit. Women, listen up carefully. Just because I take your ass out on a date doesn't mean that you can order whatever the fuck you wanna order," he projected. Boy did the men clap for that and holy shit did the women boo him.
"That's right bitch. If you know good and fucking well that you wouldn't be eating a damn lobster on the regular don't change your damn diet just because you met my ass. Don't order a damn soda; get water. Don't get damn desert because that's how the whole 'I get fat after I meet you but I already got your dick on a string so you're stuck with my ass' complex starts off. Don't argue with my ass to give the waiter a damn tip. I'll give his ass a tip. Don't put your dick in a meat grinder. It MAY hurt," he finished off with.
"Another thing I really hate about women is when they start talking about how fat they are. Bitch, shut your ass up. Only in America do people worry about that shit. You think an Ethiopian is like, 'oh shit I'm fat! I need to go on a diet!' NO! And then women come up to us men and ask something like this, 'honey, does this dress make me look fat?' No bitch, but your stomach could be the culprit," he so rudely shot out towards the crowd. Some of the women who weren't so skinny took a very serious issue with that.
"Enough about women though...Vegas, you know why I like you guys? You don't get into this religion shit too often. You got a lot of Atheists here just like me and I like that. Look, people ask me all the time about why I don't believe in god and shit. Alright, check this out playa...it's not that I hate god or don't want him to exist. I just have a problem with the idea of a man watching me 24/7. I mean, that's fucking creepy. Isn't that like free porn? Motherfucker, you got streets paved in fucking gold but you can't afford the Spice channel like everybody else?" he asked.
"Naw, naw, but it's not just Christians that get on my nerves. It's kinda like Scientology. Oh, I know everybody is gonna ask what the hell's wrong with Scientology. Think about it...every affiliation has a celebrity mascot. Like, Buddhism has Russell Simmons. Atheism has Christopher Hitchens. Christianity has George Bush and his dad. Personal god complexs have people like Marilyn Manson. But what the fuck does Scientology have? Tom Cruise? And you got the guy who played in damn Grease? And you want me to take you seriously?" he asked.
"On another note about that I tie in religion with race. I'm so sick of black people being Christian just because they're black. And another thing...I'm sick of the fucking race card. People, if you're black, get over that bullshit. You know, I heard two conversations that were kind of funny. I had a black guy come to me and say, 'so, you believe that we came from monkeys, do you? That means that you have a low self-esteem because you think we evolved from Grape Ape or something.' Know what I said to him? It went like this, 'turn with me in your bibles to the book of Genesis. It says there that god made us from dirt and spit. So, let me get this straight...I have a low self-esteem because I think we came from apes but you DON'T have a low self-esteem because you think that we came from the same surface that apes have been known to pee on; dirt.' And it gets worse. I had a black guy criticize someone for being a Satanist, and, more importantly, for not being a Christian. I was like, 'bitch, read up on your history. Black people are responsible for some the world's most unusual religions. What religious faith was Konta Kinta from Roots? He was fucking Muslim ya jackass in a box! To criticize someone for being something other than Christian is like pissing on the graves of YOUR ancestors.' But see, that's how it goes with black people. You'd think that as much as we whine and bitch and complain about how everybody treats us like shit because we're different we wouldn't criticize anyone else for being different. That's why I think when black people cry racism I automatically get skeptical. We're the most racist race there is," he said. The previous statements weren't meant to be jokes more so than a statement that he wanted to get off his chest.
"That's all the time I have for tonight. Thanks Vegas! Ya'll been great!" TC said. He over stepped his time just a bit. The booing didn't stop as he left the stage and headed towards the bar.