Submissive/Slave Haven

[GoddessHathor]

Hi GH, welcome. Where are you looking? Are you a member of your local munch?

Hi...and thanks! Looking mostly here (i know...bad place to start! lol) and BDSMlife.com. And I hate to sound like a noob...but what exactly is a munch? lol

 

[intothewoods]

I need spend a lot less time on Lit. I had it under control and then something sort of freaked me out recently on Lit, and somehow that resulted in me spending more time here. Makes no sense. Anyway, I figure what's a Dom for anyway, but to help break a sub of nasty habits. So I've turned this one over to him.

He's also made requests for my outfits for the upcoming bdsm weekend event we're attending. I doubt we will play, and I'm fine with that, although I did tell a friend I'd take part in the pet play area. I guess we'll have to figure that out. Anyway, Mister Man has a thing for the very prim and proper ladylike look. Who knew? I kind of love the idea of showing up at this crazy s&m thing dressed like a librarian.

 

[intothewoods]

Hi...and thanks! Looking mostly here (i know...bad place to start! lol) and BDSMlife.com. And I hate to sound like a noob...but what exactly is a munch? lol

A munch is a bdsm "club" of sorts. There is a web page somewhere or other that has a list of all sorts of local munches nationwide, but you can always search "bdsm" and New Jersey, and I'm sure you'll find a few websites.

Some people do look here, and there's always collarme.com and alt.com and bondage.com and on and on. I think joining a local munch is a good way to make friends in the scene, so you can talk to people about your interests and have a reference point of sorts.

I guess it's a question of how you're looking. I've never posted a personal here, but I'm sure others can give you advice. I had a profile up on collarme, though it wasn't an ad. I still got 8 gazillion emails there (female and sub, hurrah!), and one ended up being cool. We struck up a friendship and ended up meeting. The rest is herstory.

 

[GoddessHathor]

A munch is a bdsm "club" of sorts. There is a web page somewhere or other that has a list of all sorts of local munches nationwide, but you can always search "bdsm" and New Jersey, and I'm sure you'll find a few websites.

Some people do look here, and there's always collarme.com and alt.com and bondage.com and on and on. I think joining a local munch is a good way to make friends in the scene, so you can talk to people about your interests and have a reference point of sorts.

I guess it's a question of how you're looking. I've never posted a personal here, but I'm sure others can give you advice. I had a profile up on collarme, though it wasn't an ad. I still got 8 gazillion emails there (female and sub, hurrah!), and one ended up being cool. We struck up a friendship and ended up meeting. The rest is herstory.

Thank you very much for the advice...at least I have a starting point now! Sounds like you found what you were looking for! Glad to hear it...need more happy endings in this world!

 

[SweetGigi]

GH, please don't fret about having a dominant personality yet a submissive character. One does not have anything to do with the other in my opinion. They are only two sides to the same coin. While I have found it seems harder for women with dominant personalities to find men who can exact the appropriate control over them, I have also found that we are much less prone to be hoodwinked by weak men parading as DOMs. Just peruse the library here and in the Talk section, ask as many questions you want here and please feel free to voice your thoughts when you need. This is a strange new land you are traveling thru- take time to enjoy the scenery while you're here.

Enjoy

 

[GoddessHathor]

GH, please don't fret about having a dominant personality yet a submissive character. One does not have anything to do with the other in my opinion. They are only two sides to the same coin. While I have found it seems harder for women with dominant personalities to find men who can exact the appropriate control over them, I have also found that we are much less prone to be hoodwinked by weak men parading as DOMs. Just peruse the library here and in the Talk section, ask as many questions you want here and please feel free to voice your thoughts when you need. This is a strange new land you are traveling thru- take time to enjoy the scenery while you're here.

Enjoy

Thanks SG! It is definitely strange...but in a good way! Enjoying the scenery very much so far. You are saying exactly what i am thinking though. I've known several Dom's...but none "strong" enough to handle me. i usually ended up controlling everything and wishing it could be different. Thank you for pointing out that observation...i can think it all i want, but it doesn't do anything until you hear someone else voice the same opinion.

 

[intothewoods]

Fuck a duck. Too much going on. I'm trying to decide if I should keep the kinky blog going. I used it as a place to sort out a lot of heavy shit, but luckily most of that lifted. Ahem, nice mixing of metaphors. Anyway, I guess I could chronicle our D/s journey - me and Mister Man's - but eh, how much is there to say? I'm working on other things right now, and should probably just let this one go.

My only thinking for keeping it is that it might be nice to present a Het mono couple that isn't all Lord and Master slave in chains and shit. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Anyway, I haven't really read a lot of kinky blogs - maybe that's already covered. It probably is. Yeah, might just let it dwindle...

 

[intothewoods]

Fuck a duck. Too much going on. I'm trying to decide if I should keep the kinky blog going. I used it as a place to sort out a lot of heavy shit, but luckily most of that lifted. Ahem, nice mixing of metaphors. Anyway, I guess I could chronicle our D/s journey - me and Mister Man's - but eh, how much is there to say? I'm working on other things right now, and should probably just let this one go.

My only thinking for keeping it is that it might be nice to present a Het mono couple that isn't all Lord and Master slave in chains and shit. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Anyway, I haven't really read a lot of kinky blogs - maybe that's already covered. It probably is. Yeah, might just let it dwindle...

Lol - I know why I can't think about a blog right now - it's just too chaotic in my brain.

 

[BiBunny]

I just need a place to lie down and think for awhile.

I'm a switch, duh. In non-Top/Domme mode, I'm a masochistic bottom...most of the time. But you know what? I need to fucking serve sometimes. Not just anyone, mind you, and not all the time. But, if I'm honest with myself, I need it more often than not. I need to lose myself in the desires and happiness of someone else, for better or worse.

I'm still in limbo. I'm still scared to death that I'll find myself right back where I was before. I still question myself. But you know what sucks? I've got all this shit in my head as it is, but when you add in the voices of others, it makes me doubt myself even more.

You're not *really* submissive, so stop playing at it.

No "real" Dom is going to give you what you want, so just go with kink and forget submission.

Etc., etc., ad nauseam.

Should I let it bother me? Of course not. But when we're at our most uncertain and--dare I say--most vulnerable is when we're most prone to listen to the voices of others that we shouldn't necessarily listen to, since they don't know jack shit about who we are behind closed doors. If I were at a place right now where I felt more secure in who I am, I'd laugh it off as I've done so many other times before. But I'm just now finding the earth under my feet again, so the bullshit posturing of others still has an effect on my rather battered ego.

Shit, I definitely need a place to lie down, but maybe I need to stop thinking so much. Maybe that's my problem.

I don't know what I'm so afraid of.

 

[Badger82]

hummm

I just need a place to lie down and think for awhile.

I'm a switch, duh. In non-Top/Domme mode, I'm a masochistic bottom...most of the time. But you know what? I need to fucking serve sometimes. Not just anyone, mind you, and not all the time. But, if I'm honest with myself, I need it more often than not. I need to lose myself in the desires and happiness of someone else, for better or worse.

I'm still in limbo. I'm still scared to death that I'll find myself right back where I was before. I still question myself. But you know what sucks? I've got all this shit in my head as it is, but when you add in the voices of others, it makes me doubt myself even more.

You're not *really* submissive, so stop playing at it.

No "real" Dom is going to give you what you want, so just go with kink and forget submission.

Etc., etc., ad nauseam.

Should I let it bother me? Of course not. But when we're at our most uncertain and--dare I say--most vulnerable is when we're most prone to listen to the voices of others that we shouldn't necessarily listen to, since they don't know jack shit about who we are behind closed doors. If I were at a place right now where I felt more secure in who I am, I'd laugh it off as I've done so many other times before. But I'm just now finding the earth under my feet again, so the bullshit posturing of others still has an effect on my rather battered ego.

Shit, I definitely need a place to lie down, but maybe I need to stop thinking so much. Maybe that's my problem.

I don't know what I'm so afraid of.

hi BiBunny

sounds like you just need some nice soft music, a hot bath and your fav. drink. Then just soak for an hour or so, left with your own thoughts and no nagging voices you'll feel so much better.

me/ passes over a dinner plate size cookie

 

[BiBunny]

hi BiBunny

sounds like you just need some nice soft music, a hot bath and your fav. drink. Then just soak for an hour or so, left with your own thoughts and no nagging voices you'll feel so much better.

me/ passes over a dinner plate size cookie

Thank you.

 

[intothewoods]

I just need a place to lie down and think for awhile.

I'm a switch, duh. In non-Top/Domme mode, I'm a masochistic bottom...most of the time. But you know what? I need to fucking serve sometimes. Not just anyone, mind you, and not all the time. But, if I'm honest with myself, I need it more often than not. I need to lose myself in the desires and happiness of someone else, for better or worse.

I'm still in limbo. I'm still scared to death that I'll find myself right back where I was before. I still question myself. But you know what sucks? I've got all this shit in my head as it is, but when you add in the voices of others, it makes me doubt myself even more.

You're not *really* submissive, so stop playing at it.

No "real" Dom is going to give you what you want, so just go with kink and forget submission.

Etc., etc., ad nauseam.

Should I let it bother me? Of course not. But when we're at our most uncertain and--dare I say--most vulnerable is when we're most prone to listen to the voices of others that we shouldn't necessarily listen to, since they don't know jack shit about who we are behind closed doors. If I were at a place right now where I felt more secure in who I am, I'd laugh it off as I've done so many other times before. But I'm just now finding the earth under my feet again, so the bullshit posturing of others still has an effect on my rather battered ego.

Shit, I definitely need a place to lie down, but maybe I need to stop thinking so much. Maybe that's my problem.

I don't know what I'm so afraid of.

I think when you've been burned, it's hard to get to a place where you can trust again. I think you and I both need to feel very safe before we'll let our guard down. Also, I think we might be similar in that we talk out our struggles. So people might think, what the hell - is she bottom, is she submissive, what - why angst? Well, for me, angsting is what I do to get to the bottom of something. Not angst really, but I think "out loud."

 

[BiBunny]

I think when you've been burned, it's hard to get to a place where you can trust again. I think you and I both need to feel very safe before we'll let our guard down. Also, I think we might be similar in that we talk out our struggles. So people might think, what the hell - is she bottom, is she submissive, what - why angst? Well, for me, angsting is what I do to get to the bottom of something. Not angst really, but I think "out loud."

Yes, yes, yes, and yes. If I can't get something out on paper, it's going to stay stuck in my head indefinitely. And definitely ditto on the needing to feel very safe before letting my guard down again.

I am Bunny; hear me angst!

 

[Guest]

.....

 

[catalina_francisco]

This is totally by-the-by, but I'd just like to say - even as a straight woman - that BiBunny, you have absolutely the most stunning eyes I've ever seen. I just had to say that.

Anyway, you all seem a friendly bunch, so I'm wondering if I could seek some advice. My Master and I are dipping our toes into the realm of TPE-dom. We've been doing scenes every so often - with increasing frequency - for quite some time and have talked about making it a bigger part of our relationship. I'm not sure if it would ever be totally 24/7, but certainly more of an everyday thing than the odd couple of hours doing a scene here and there. What we're thinking of is something along the lines of compartmentalising it using my collar: I am free to put my collar on (and of course he can request me to put it on), but only he can decide when I may take it off, be it hours or days later. We would have a contract, but it would only be applicable when I was wearing my collar. This may seem a little strange, but it's our way of compromising between our desires to take this further and our need to sometimes just be equals.

Not wanting to rush into it, we've been trying short-term trials. Last week, I tried my first full two days as a slave. I'm ashamed to say I cut it short. Embarassingly, it wasn't even during some heavy-duty pain session; I took all my punishments dutifully. It was while we were sitting on the sofa watching a film. I suddenly thought of how we would be spending the rest of the evening - me cooking him dinner, kneeling before him as he ate, sleeping in my place on the floor, ready to be used at his whim throughout the night. Though at other times, that would get me hot, that night, I just didn't want to do that. I wanted to eat and drink with him, and cuddle up with him in his bed. As we sat there, I was suddenly tired of not being able to look at him, not being able to speak unless spoken to, not being able to just chat with him, laugh with him, tickle him or whatever. I eventually said, "Master, I wish to be your girlfriend again," and to his credit, he instantly removed my collar and cuddled me, talking it all through with me.

I'm just so frustrated with myself. I know I want this, but it's just so difficult. It doesn't help that I can't even explain to myself <i>why</i> I want this - I can't come up with a good reason for starting a TPE except a gut feeling. Why does it have to be so difficult?

Obviously, we've talked about it between us, but I'd just like to hear the views of others, who are more experienced. This is my - and his - first venture into this, though we both have known about our kinks for a long time. Is it too much, perhaps, to try to extend short-term scene rules (such as not looking or speaking etc) to longer periods of time?

I think a good place to start would be discussing what works and doesn't work for you as individuals. We have been in a TPE 24/7 M/s relationship for over 5 years now, and believe me, I don't sleep on the floor because that is not what would work for him. He likes me within reach, easy to access and if I were sleeping on the floor that would be far from convenient. Living it is not like you see and read about on porn sites, nor is it about doing only what you want when you want...it is hard work, but if it is what you both want, the work can be worth it.

Catalina

 

[SweetGigi]

There are three dozen roses and gerber daisies waiting on me at the house like this.... (good god that was a big photo).... the card says, "thanks for 'thanks for talking last night'. I swear now that we are separated, he is trying harder than he ever did. I just don't know how to feel about all this.

 

[intothewoods]

How are things going Gigi, anyway?

I feel like I'm losing it. I have this aching for something, and I don't know what. Am I crazy? Am I moving too quickly with Mister Man? Sometimes I still crave being rescued. Sometimes I get these ridiculous crushes. I keep wondering how and when you know what is the right path. I was feeling so confident lately. And then all of this stress came up, and I just lost it.

 

[EmpressFi]

I think a good place to start would be discussing what works and doesn't work for you as individuals. We have been in a TPE 24/7 M/s relationship for over 5 years now, and believe me, I don't sleep on the floor because that is not what would work for him. He likes me within reach, easy to access and if I were sleeping on the floor that would be far from convenient. Living it is not like you see and read about on porn sites, nor is it about doing only what you want when you want...it is hard work, but if it is what you both want, the work can be worth it.

Catalina

I would agree with this. Even though I'm not in a TPE relationship, I think that suggesting LOTS of communication is key here. Find out what works for the both of YOU, not what society says your M/s or D/s relationship should be.

 

[ImpishSeraph]

I haven't read through all nearly 2000 posts so forgive me if this is a repeat.

I have a question about when you first started D/s for the subs. Did you have a voice in the back of your head that said "you're being degraded!" even though you didn't really feel like you were? Does this make sense?

 

[HottieMama]

OK...maybe here is a good place to ask this question... i don't really want to start a big "look at me" thread, but i need opinions...

For those that don't consider themselves switches, what has been your experience with "service topping?" When, in your own personal opinion, does "service topping" become actual switching?

i'm probably not wording it right, but this spun off of a conversation i had the other night that is causing me to question some things about myself.

 

[catalina_francisco]

OK...maybe here is a good place to ask this question... i don't really want to start a big "look at me" thread, but i need opinions...

For those that don't consider themselves switches, what has been your experience with "service topping?" When, in your own personal opinion, does "service topping" become actual switching?

i'm probably not wording it right, but this spun off of a conversation i had the other night that is causing me to question some things about myself.

Not a 'look at me' type thing.

I have topped on F's orders, but without input from him as to what to do. LOL, he was more than surprised from the very first time with how well I went, but getting to that point took some mental work to pull my head around to seeing it as just another order. Part of the way I got myself there was in being able to think of it as serving both F, and the one who wanted to be topped.

As to where it becomes switching, I would think it would be when you actually feel a need to play both sides of the flogger. The drive might come from different places, but if it came to be someone felt it was part of who they were, especially in my case if it was accompanied with a desire to dominate another, than I would start thinking about it being switching. As in all things though, people are likely to differ on where the line is drawn and why.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

I haven't read through all nearly 2000 posts so forgive me if this is a repeat.

I have a question about when you first started D/s for the subs. Did you have a voice in the back of your head that said "you're being degraded!" even though you didn't really feel like you were? Does this make sense?

No, I felt like OWTHISFUCKINGHURTS maybe I'm not a sub after all!

 

[HottieMama]

Not a 'look at me' type thing.

I have topped on F's orders, but without input from him as to what to do. LOL, he was more than surprised from the very first time with how well I went, but getting to that point took some mental work to pull my head around to seeing it as just another order. Part of the way I got myself there was in being able to think of it as serving both F, and the one who wanted to be topped.

As to where it becomes switching, I would think it would be when you actually feel a need to play both sides of the flogger. The drive might come from different places, but if it came to be someone felt it was part of who they were, especially in my case if it was accompanied with a desire to dominate another, than I would start thinking about it being switching. As in all things though, people are likely to differ on where the line is drawn and why.

Catalina

Thanks Cat...

i think what i struggle with is the part i bolded about. It's not a "need" per se...more of a desire and only with one person who wants me to indulge that desire in a MAJOR way.

Ugh...i think i'm just getting hung up on semantics and over-analyzing things.

 

[BiBunny]

Thanks Cat...

i think what i struggle with is the part i bolded about. It's not a "need" per se...more of a desire and only with one person who wants me to indulge that desire in a MAJOR way.

Ugh...i think i'm just getting hung up on semantics and over-analyzing things.

You totally need to talk to nh. She's a self-identified sub who service tops. She's been *busy* the past few days, though.

I started out as a sub who service-topped. It was sort of awkward and uncomfortable to begin with. I did it because the other person wanted me to. I enjoyed getting my pleasure from the other person's, though. Eventually, I started to enjoy topping just for its own sake and started to want it for my own pleasure. Hence, the switch label.

But I think you can ID yourself any way you want, actually. That probably wasn't very helpful, huh?

 

[SweetGigi]

How are things going Gigi, anyway?

I feel like I'm losing it. I have this aching for something, and I don't know what. Am I crazy? Am I moving too quickly with Mister Man? Sometimes I still crave being rescued. Sometimes I get these ridiculous crushes. I keep wondering how and when you know what is the right path. I was feeling so confident lately. And then all of this stress came up, and I just lost it.

Things with Jim are over. I put the hammer down and he is not handling it well. But how can I continue to beat my head against the wall when the wall never even sees me in the first place?


I think I know exactly how you are feeling. The gravity of life can sometimes get to you and you just don't know how to shake it off. Hang in there, sweets. I don't know the answers... I sure as crap wish I did. In times and moments like this, I just have to cling to the hope and faith that everything's not broken, and that everything will be fine.