Submissive/Slave Haven

[Velvet Bubbles]

Nice!! So my PYL is having a rough week. I just want to fix it! .. He does like service, as in meals, and being served drinks - personal maid, that sort of thing. And hour long blow jobs. ..

Mine's having an awful week. He's been sick for days on end now. Figures he'd get sick right before his flight here. I'm sooooo hoping he feels better by the time he leaves tomorrow morning. -- He likes similar things too. Especially that end one.

 

[DVS]

Bunny, I think that you will eventually find a place within yourself where you share that side of you at a safe pace. It will take time, and the right person or persons.

And as for who would want you with all of your walls? Oh please. Doms love a challenge.

Let me clarify something for you, from my point of view. I do like a challenge, but I also like to know there's a possible end to the challenge. Constant challenge is just constant refusal, and that isn't any fun, after a while.

Unless you give the OK for me to eventually take what I want, I'm more likely to get discouraged and give up, before I stick around and take the tease thing for very long. I've been with my share of women. Some gave me control very soon and some took their own sweet time. It was as if they were testing just how long I'd stick around, almost laughing at me because of my horniness. Obviously, I can take only so much of this. So, if you ask me, the chase isn't where it's at. I enjoy winning much more, and I like to relish in my winnings.

I guess some men will lose interest when the challenge is over. Not me. I much more prefer a short and spirited challenge and a submissive who ultimately gives in and accepts that I'm stronger than she is. Trust me...she will benefit from this as much, if not more, than I will.

Now that's only my opinion. I couldn't even guess how another man would feel about this. In fact, from seeing how some of my gender act when on line, it gives me the eeby jeebies. Did I spell that correctly?

 

[Stegral]

*snips*

Ok, I've been thinking, and maybe I should clarify.
Maybe it's shallow, and maybe it's stupid, but I hate feeling like I have to "train" someone.

I realized after several failed relationships that I don't want vanilla in any shape, form, or fashion. It simply doesn't work for me. I also don't want to have a boyfriend on one hand and a Dom on the other. I think it's cool that some people can compartmentalize their lives that way, but I can't. I need one person to fulfill all those needs, romantic and D/s, or else they're just another play partner in my mind.

I've found that it's very hard to find what I'm looking for. The kinds of things I need have more or less priced me out of the market, so to speak. It's hard enough to find kinky men who can give me what I need. It'd be impossible to find a vanilla man who can do the same. I'm not idly speculating, either; I'm speaking from experience.

I can understand that fully.. That is one side of me.
I add into the mix having reptiles as pets, a job where he can't be jealous of my co-workers & not into sharing.

*hugs Bi*

trust me, you aren't alone...

 

[CurlyKat]

Several of y'all mentioned letting down walls and how that wasn't all bad (which I do agree with).... but it's darn scary to actually do!

Just my two cents, since I tend to struggle with building up walls, too.

 

[Velvet Bubbles]

.. eeby jeebies. Did I spell that correctly?

Doesn't that word (no idea if there IS a proper spelling for it - ask Sir Winston) start with an "H"? As in "heeby jeebies"? That's how I've always heard it. <shrugs>

 

[BiBunny]

Doesn't that word (no idea if there IS a proper spelling for it - ask Sir Winston) start with an "H"? As in "heeby jeebies"? That's how I've always heard it. <shrugs>

Methinks it's heebie-jeebies (hyphenated).

I guess some men will lose interest when the challenge is over. Not me. I much more prefer a short and spirited challenge and a submissive who ultimately gives in and accepts that I'm stronger than she is. Trust me...she will benefit from this as much, if not more, than I will.

I've found that this tends to be the attitude of Dom/mes who are more emotionally mature and confident in who they are. Unfortunately, it's something that's sadly lacking in all people a lot of times.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Ok, I've been thinking, and maybe I should clarify.

Yes, I'm 24. Not old by anyone's standards, I realize. But if the truth be told, I'm more experienced than most people twice my age. I realized who I was and had a general idea about what I wanted pretty much since I started being involved with men.

Most men my age are sadly lacking in the experience department. I've done my best to give them chance after chance, but the spark is lacking. Hell, most men in their 30s don't even have the experience that I have. Maybe it's shallow, and maybe it's stupid, but I hate feeling like I have to "train" someone.

I realized after several failed relationships that I don't want vanilla in any shape, form, or fashion. It simply doesn't work for me. I also don't want to have a boyfriend on one hand and a Dom on the other. I think it's cool that some people can compartmentalize their lives that way, but I can't. I need one person to fulfill all those needs, romantic and D/s, or else they're just another play partner in my mind.

I've found that it's very hard to find what I'm looking for. The kinds of things I need have more or less priced me out of the market, so to speak. It's hard enough to find kinky men who can give me what I need. It'd be impossible to find a vanilla man who can do the same. I'm not idly speculating, either; I'm speaking from experience.

I think I truly do need to be submissive, else I could be happy with the kinked vanillas or the service Top types. I've played with both types pretty extensively, and, much to my dismay, they don't fulfill the needs I have. However, I'm still struggling with that realization, hence my agonizing in the earlier posts. There actually is a reason that I'm having these thoughts, too. It's not just something I'm sitting around worrying about just for the sake of worrying, I promise.

Like I said, I hope you find the happiness you are searching for.

I am sure you have experienced way more BDSM type of activities than I have or most men your age, my comment about your age had nothing to do with you being old enough, or experienced enough to know what you wanted. It had to do with the fact that you have so much time ahead of you to find what you are looking for. Also, I know it may be hard for you to believe now but you may change your mind about what you want. Or you may not. It doesn't really matter. But try not to be so determined to find one certain type of partner that you don't keep an open mind to others.

I have am in love with two men--neither of which fit into the idea of what I was looking for when I found them. But maybe what I thought I was looking for, wasn't really what I needed?

Anyway Bunny, live life and try not to get too boggled down with figuring out yourself and what you want.

 

[intothewoods]

Let me clarify something for you, from my point of view. I do like a challenge, but I also like to know there's a possible end to the challenge. Constant challenge is just constant refusal, and that isn't any fun, after a while.

Unless you give the OK for me to eventually take what I want, I'm more likely to get discouraged and give up, before I stick around and take the tease thing for very long. I've been with my share of women. Some gave me control very soon and some took their own sweet time. It was as if they were testing just how long I'd stick around, almost laughing at me because of my horniness. Obviously, I can take only so much of this. So, if you ask me, the chase isn't where it's at. I enjoy winning much more, and I like to relish in my winnings.

I guess some men will lose interest when the challenge is over. Not me. I much more prefer a short and spirited challenge and a submissive who ultimately gives in and accepts that I'm stronger than she is. Trust me...she will benefit from this as much, if not more, than I will.

Now that's only my opinion. I couldn't even guess how another man would feel about this. In fact, from seeing how some of my gender act when on line, it gives me the eeby jeebies. Did I spell that correctly?

So you're NOT a masochist?

 

[DVS]

So you're NOT a masochist?

Cute. No, and sometimes I can even be impatient!

Oh, but those rewards I mentioned are um...satisfying.

 

[intothewoods]

Cute. No, and sometimes I can even be impatient!

Oh, but those rewards I mentioned are um...satisfying.

I do cute well. It's a curse.

I was half kidding with Bunny - I don't think having walls up forever is a good idea, but I'm going to give her a year or two before I demand perfection.

 

[intothewoods]

Can I make the dorkiest post ever?

Sometimes - ok, often - during sex I want a particular something or other to happen, so I will try to figure out a way to ask for it. Well, the other day I focused on just pleasing him, and not my needs. It worked out fabulously! I was so proud of my little subbie self! One day at a time.

 

[SweetGigi]

Oh that is great, ITW!!! Good for you. I have found pleasing Jim is always much more rewarding than anything I could ever ask for.

So my little happy moment follows. Jim has been interviewing pain sluts to do domestic acts and to take severe beatings. She (who ever she ends up being) will strictly be a service tool and nothing more. In doing this, Jim is being so very careful to express to me how much I am NOT being replaced or substituted. He is even going as far as only interviewing women he is not attracted to so that I am more comfortable. He is being so methodical about it all and very caring and sensitive to my needs.... it really is just showing me how very much I mean to him and how much he cares. I am coming to realize how very lucky I am to have him and just how much I mean to him.

Which begs the question for me: Does falling in love happen at the speed of light typically in D/s or is it just me that has fallen in love with my DOM _MUCH_ faster than I planned on or figured to?

 

[intothewoods]

Oh that is great, ITW!!! Good for you. I have found pleasing Jim is always much more rewarding than anything I could ever ask for.

So my little happy moment follows. Jim has been interviewing pain sluts to do domestic acts and to take severe beatings. She (who ever she ends up being) will strictly be a service tool and nothing more. In doing this, Jim is being so very careful to express to me how much I am NOT being replaced or substituted. He is even going as far as only interviewing women he is not attracted to so that I am more comfortable. He is being so methodical about it all and very caring and sensitive to my needs.... it really is just showing me how very much I mean to him and how much he cares. I am coming to realize how very lucky I am to have him and just how much I mean to him.

Which begs the question for me: Does falling in love happen at the speed of light typically in D/s or is it just me that has fallen in love with my DOM _MUCH_ faster than I planned on or figured to?

Thanks Gigi! I think there are people who generally fall in love faster than others. Actually, I was reading some time ago about personality types (in relationships) and the idea of fusers v. isolators. Fusers tend to fall in love quickly, and are very comfortable in relationships. Isolators are, of course, the exact opposite.

I don't think I know enough about what's typical in a D/s relationship to answer specific to D/s...

 

[intothewoods]

*bump* I'm going to curl up in the haven. Anyone else need a haven today?

 

[SweetGigi]

*bump* I'm going to curl up in the haven. Anyone else need a haven today?

*nods*


*tears flow*

 

[Netzach]

Ok, I've been thinking, and maybe I should clarify.

Yes, I'm 24. Not old by anyone's standards, I realize. But if the truth be told, I'm more experienced than most people twice my age. I realized who I was and had a general idea about what I wanted pretty much since I started being involved with men.

Most men my age are sadly lacking in the experience department. I've done my best to give them chance after chance, but the spark is lacking. Hell, most men in their 30s don't even have the experience that I have. Maybe it's shallow, and maybe it's stupid, but I hate feeling like I have to "train" someone.

I realized after several failed relationships that I don't want vanilla in any shape, form, or fashion. It simply doesn't work for me. I also don't want to have a boyfriend on one hand and a Dom on the other. I think it's cool that some people can compartmentalize their lives that way, but I can't. I need one person to fulfill all those needs, romantic and D/s, or else they're just another play partner in my mind.

I've found that it's very hard to find what I'm looking for. The kinds of things I need have more or less priced me out of the market, so to speak. It's hard enough to find kinky men who can give me what I need. It'd be impossible to find a vanilla man who can do the same. I'm not idly speculating, either; I'm speaking from experience.

I think I truly do need to be submissive, else I could be happy with the kinked vanillas or the service Top types. I've played with both types pretty extensively, and, much to my dismay, they don't fulfill the needs I have. However, I'm still struggling with that realization, hence my agonizing in the earlier posts. There actually is a reason that I'm having these thoughts, too. It's not just something I'm sitting around worrying about just for the sake of worrying, I promise.

I relate to this really well, and I have to beg to differ with other posters.

There are different ways to be wired up, different levels of need for *overt* D/s to be happy. I feel like I was very much aware of those needs at 21, going insane from suppressing them by 23, and if I were still unable to have done any of the thigns I've done I would probably be dead by now from being something I'm not for over a decade.

I do NOT think I could have dated inside the vanilla dating pool or in hopes of making converts or in hopes of finding some sort of non-explicit dynamic that just kind of feels right without ever using words like "slave" or "sub" about my partner. I knew it then and I know it now, and I've seen enough of the pain and suffering that ensues when people wired as I am make themselves believe that if they detour and meander a bit it will still address their needs.

All I do know is that I had a few years of enjoyment out of relationships that were friendly play ones and out of deciding to be comfortable with my relationship status and having reached a plateau of deciding I didn't want to have anyone be my primary and move in with me and all that shit anyway - the thing that showing up does for you is that you don't know who you're going to meet and what they need. When they show up you'll be ready. But you won't have to worry about "will they freak out about the kink issue" and you can iron out that incompatibility issue fairly quickly.

And then I did meet the right submissive, and lo and behold I have to share my bathroom now. The time I spent in the community and playing with people and being with friends up to that point was not wasted time. I played with a lot of submissives who didn't make me want to take them home and keep them, but who were awesome people, I bottomed to a lot of tops who had no real sense of danger or authority or hotness to me and eventually thought to myself "this is futile" but I don't regret that.

Going on Nerve.com dates like my vanilla friends and hoping I might not get attached to someone just like my ex again would have been a bad idea, on the other hand. Keeping an open mind and a nose to the wind was less important for me than embracing this new identity as "someone who can be happy living alone and having lovers, as long as they're kinked" - I think I needed to experience that to be "someone who can marry and stick with that buddy for the road movie that is life.

(I'm Kumar, he's Harold.)

 

[Netzach]

*nods*


*tears flow*

hugs your way...

 

[intothewoods]

I relate to this really well, and I have to beg to differ with other posters.

There are different ways to be wired up, different levels of need for *overt* D/s to be happy. I feel like I was very much aware of those needs at 21, going insane from suppressing them by 23, and if I were still unable to have done any of the thigns I've done I would probably be dead by now from being something I'm not for over a decade.

I do NOT think I could have dated inside the vanilla dating pool or in hopes of making converts or in hopes of finding some sort of non-explicit dynamic that just kind of feels right without ever using words like "slave" or "sub" about my partner. I knew it then and I know it now, and I've seen enough of the pain and suffering that ensues when people wired as I am make themselves believe that if they detour and meander a bit it will still address their needs.

All I do know is that I had a few years of enjoyment out of relationships that were friendly play ones and out of deciding to be comfortable with my relationship status and having reached a plateau of deciding I didn't want to have anyone be my primary and move in with me and all that shit anyway - the thing that showing up does for you is that you don't know who you're going to meet and what they need. When they show up you'll be ready. But you won't have to worry about "will they freak out about the kink issue" and you can iron out that incompatibility issue fairly quickly.

And then I did meet the right submissive, and lo and behold I have to share my bathroom now. The time I spent in the community and playing with people and being with friends up to that point was not wasted time. I played with a lot of submissives who didn't make me want to take them home and keep them, but who were awesome people, I bottomed to a lot of tops who had no real sense of danger or authority or hotness to me and eventually thought to myself "this is futile" but I don't regret that.

Going on Nerve.com dates like my vanilla friends and hoping I might not get attached to someone just like my ex again would have been a bad idea, on the other hand. Keeping an open mind and a nose to the wind was less important for me than embracing this new identity as "someone who can be happy living alone and having lovers, as long as they're kinked" - I think I needed to experience that to be "someone who can marry and stick with that buddy for the road movie that is life.

(I'm Kumar, he's Harold.)

I read this and thought hmm, I don't disagree with this at all. So then I went back and read my previous comments. Fwiw, just to clarify, I don't think you can have your relationship shit sorted out by your twenties, as a general rule. There are exceptions, but I generally think it's not a good idea to get married in your early twenties. Generally, mind you.

Anyway, I do think you can have a pretty clear idea of your sexual wiring in your 20s. Hell, a lot of the stuff that I looked back on and went hmmImaybesubmissive emerged in my 20s. I did the same stuff over and over again, but because there wasn't any overt s&m play, I didn't think it was anything kinky.

I think my main piece of advice is to enjoy the journey, and not beat yourself up if you're not "there" - wherever that is - yet.

signed,
ITW who is waxing very philosophical today ... ha ha...

 

[intothewoods]

*nods*


*tears flow*

I'm so sorry, Gigi. You will get through this, and remember you don't have to be strong, or prove anything. Relationships are hard.

 

[Netzach]

I read this and thought hmm, I don't disagree with this at all. So then I went back and read my previous comments. Fwiw, just to clarify, I don't think you can have your relationship shit sorted out by your twenties, as a general rule. There are exceptions, but I generally think it's not a good idea to get married in your early twenties. Generally, mind you.

Oh, yeah.

I have to agree with that - there's really some serious mellowing out that people do at around 26-30 sometimes which would have really screwed me if I'd tried to bypass it or something.

My favorite scene in the new film "Persepolis" is Marjane crying about a marriage not working to her grandmother who says "The first marriage is always practice for the real one."

 

[SweetGigi]

thanks you guys.


i'm just trying to live minute to minute right now.

 

[BiBunny]

I relate to this really well, and I have to beg to differ with other posters.

There are different ways to be wired up, different levels of need for *overt* D/s to be happy. I feel like I was very much aware of those needs at 21, going insane from suppressing them by 23, and if I were still unable to have done any of the thigns I've done I would probably be dead by now from being something I'm not for over a decade.

I do NOT think I could have dated inside the vanilla dating pool or in hopes of making converts or in hopes of finding some sort of non-explicit dynamic that just kind of feels right without ever using words like "slave" or "sub" about my partner. I knew it then and I know it now, and I've seen enough of the pain and suffering that ensues when people wired as I am make themselves believe that if they detour and meander a bit it will still address their needs.

All I do know is that I had a few years of enjoyment out of relationships that were friendly play ones and out of deciding to be comfortable with my relationship status and having reached a plateau of deciding I didn't want to have anyone be my primary and move in with me and all that shit anyway - the thing that showing up does for you is that you don't know who you're going to meet and what they need. When they show up you'll be ready. But you won't have to worry about "will they freak out about the kink issue" and you can iron out that incompatibility issue fairly quickly.

And then I did meet the right submissive, and lo and behold I have to share my bathroom now. The time I spent in the community and playing with people and being with friends up to that point was not wasted time. I played with a lot of submissives who didn't make me want to take them home and keep them, but who were awesome people, I bottomed to a lot of tops who had no real sense of danger or authority or hotness to me and eventually thought to myself "this is futile" but I don't regret that.

Going on Nerve.com dates like my vanilla friends and hoping I might not get attached to someone just like my ex again would have been a bad idea, on the other hand. Keeping an open mind and a nose to the wind was less important for me than embracing this new identity as "someone who can be happy living alone and having lovers, as long as they're kinked" - I think I needed to experience that to be "someone who can marry and stick with that buddy for the road movie that is life.

(I'm Kumar, he's Harold.)

Thank you for this. Seriously.

I think I have a pretty good idea about what I want. There was a time there in my late teens and early twenties when I went through 'nilla men like most girls change their socks. It didn't take me long to figure out this was Not For Me.

I'm like you in the sense that I can be happy living alone and having kinked lovers. I didn't mean to imply that I'm looking for lifelong partners right now. But I know what I need right now, and it's not to do the usual "get married to a mostly 'nilla person and try to bury my desires" thing that people tend to do, either. If I can't have more or less what I want, I'm not going to settle. I don't *have* to be in a relationship to be happy.

But, on the other hand, I'm not going to set unreasonable expectations, either. I don't think intelligent, halfway sane sadist with good sense of humor and relatively local is an unreasonable expectation. If he/she is a little older or younger that I'd like or a little too short or too thin or too whatever, I'm not going to let it deter me if the spark's there.

I don't know. I think I just have some issues at the moment.

 

[CurlyKat]

*sneaks in to curl up in the corner for a nap*

Not that anything's necessarily wrong, just out of sorts tonight and need a safe, quiet place to sort thoughts (and probably sleep, too).

 

[GoddessHathor]

Feel like I'm intruding...

And i'm sorry if i am. Not sure where else to post this. i am a "sub-wannabe" (can't think what else to call it). i seem to attract male subs instead of Doms (trust me...the name has nothing to do with it...Stargate fan...she was villian...thought she was cool...silly me lol).

i just have a very controlling personality that seems to attract subs. But i am in no way Domme....tried it...failed miserably. i'm not sure what i'm looking for advice wise...except maybe to question if i'm just not the right fit to be a sub? Or have i just not found the right spark yet?

If this is the wrong area to post this, my apologies!

 

[intothewoods]

And i'm sorry if i am. Not sure where else to post this. i am a "sub-wannabe" (can't think what else to call it). i seem to attract male subs instead of Doms (trust me...the name has nothing to do with it...Stargate fan...she was villian...thought she was cool...silly me lol).

i just have a very controlling personality that seems to attract subs. But i am in no way Domme....tried it...failed miserably. i'm not sure what i'm looking for advice wise...except maybe to question if i'm just not the right fit to be a sub? Or have i just not found the right spark yet?

If this is the wrong area to post this, my apologies!

Hi GH, welcome. Where are you looking? Are you a member of your local munch?