Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

*guffaws*

I'm picturing Primalex with a ball gag and pink panties..

 

[Iamsubmissive]

*guffaws*

I'm picturing Primalex with a ball gag and pink panties..

LOL...he looks kinda vulnerable like that too, doesn't he?

(I'm sure SilverLining will correct the quote since it's been pointed out )

 

[barefootgirl69]

While I appreciate everyone jumping in and giving their opinions of what Racy meant, I still would like to hear from her.

Silver Lining, I totally agree with this, "ETA: The point that I failed at making here was that obviously you can't define a group of people based on a few personality traits. Surely you could find lots of pyls who would identify as being independent and rebellious, but you'll also find pyls who would consider themselves to be dependent and obedient. Kink is never one-size-fits-all."

I am hoping she understands that.

 

[Primalex]

LOL...he looks kinda vulnerable like that too, doesn't he?

Hm. I actually like the concept. Fucking her in such an outfit adds a whole new layer of mindfuck. It's like keeping the socks on multiplied by infinity. Fremdschamen reloaded.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Hm. I actually like the concept. Fucking her in such an outfit adds a whole new layer of mindfuck. It's like keeping the socks on multiplied by infinity. Fremdschamen reloaded.

You're crazy...go play around with that and report back. I wanna hear all about it! (Wear the socks too!) And what do they say...pics or it didn't happen?

 

[Iamsubmissive]

You're crazy...go play around with that and report back. I wanna hear all about it! (Wear the socks too!) And what do they say...pics or it didn't happen?

Of course, if that does turn you on, thats...cool. Have fun with it! (And only provide pics if you wanna!)

 

[Primalex]

Great, now I'm listening to Pippi Longstocking on a loop.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYFnBBAm6eU

 

[TheSilverLining]

Silver lining ? Did you mean to quote Racy? I think you accidentally inserted Primalex​ as the quote author.

Girl, seriously, you need to fix your quoting. My name in there is very confusing.

I have no idea what happened there.
I quoted the original text I'm sure.

Sorry folks!
(Sorry Primalex)

 

[RacyWilde]

Racy. Why do you think subs are not independent and rebellious?

I didn't say I don't think subs are not independent and rebellious. I said, "Sometimes I think it would be nice to be cared for like a sub... but, I know that after a while I would feel suffocated. I'm too independent and rebellious." Nowhere does that say I think subs aren't independent and rebellious. However, I did say I was independent and rebellious.

That's exactly what I was going to ask! You beat me to it!

Racy, please explain what you mean by this..

"I just wish sometimes I can be vulnerable like a sub"

I am under the assumption you are neither Dom nor sub, so I am wondering what you really know about submissives. It is coming across that you think subs are dependent, obedient, and weak.

WTF? I think being vulnerable is such an admirable quality. I'm amazed that you don't. Being vulnerable is certainly not a weakness it is a state of empowerment. It is exceptionally rare that I want to be vulnerable as I fear it, but my understanding of a D/s relationship is to open up to such a degree that vulnerability becomes a super power. Like I said "I just wish sometimes I can be vulnerable like a sub."

And you want my credentials in order to participate and share my personal thoughts and experiences? Boy, tough crowd.

Since you are expecting...

I have been in a few relationships with Doms. Only one I have met in RL. But even though they are a Dom, I have never been their sub. And you know why? Because each Dom that has had me, independent of each other, has never allowed me to be a sub. They see that it is not my nature. Instead, they prefer me to be who am. They tend to not specifically define me, though they have used such phrases as "equal partner", "partner in crime" or a "Domme for Dom"s. They know, that even though I want to give myself to them, to submit, they will never truly own me. However, when I do choose to submit, I've been told it is too perfect. I need no training. I know what deep devotion is. I know how to sacrifice my will for theirs/ours. But, even though I can choose to be submissive, I'll never be a sub, if you can understand the difference. I only give myself when I want, how I want, and to how many I want. I am the master of my own submission.

I'm interested in the answer to this myself.

See above.

I also, however, believe that real intimacy involves making oneself vulnerable to achieve a deep, trusting relationship...so anyone who refuses to be vulnerable, including dominants, would be incapable of real intimacy.

The part about independence and rebelliousness confuses me too, though.

SG

Yes, This!

However, it does sound like you (Racy) think that PYL's can't be coddled and pampered?

No. Often I find myself in a position where I need to be tender towards another Dom. And funnily enough, I have learnt some soothing tactics from previous Doms that I use on some Doms now...lol. I'm not a cuddle person what.so.ever. but you don't need to be one to give comfort and reassurance, to lift a person up through affection and care so they feel stronger.

In defence of the above comment, I understood this to mean simply that she felt being a pyl wouldn't work for her because of the above characteristics. Not that she supposes all submissives are the opposite of independent and rebellious.

Yes, thank you

While I appreciate everyone jumping in and giving their opinions of what Racy meant, I still would like to hear from her.

Silver Lining, I totally agree with this, "ETA: The point that I failed at making here was that obviously you can't define a group of people based on a few personality traits. Surely you could find lots of pyls who would identify as being independent and rebellious, but you'll also find pyls who would consider themselves to be dependent and obedient. Kink is never one-size-fits-all."

I am hoping she understands that.

Hm, it is nice to be spoken about instead of spoken to. You need to be more patient. I live in a different part of the world to everyone else. I will get around to you when I can. You have my answer above.

By the tone and condescension of some comments, I'm half expecting some ladies here may think my opinion doesn't count because I'm not a 'real sub'. As such, may I suggest those of you who do feel this way, understand that no experience is more valid or qualifying than another. They are just different. Aka "Kink is never one-size-fits-all."

 

[barefootgirl69]

I didn't say I don't think subs are not independent and rebellious. I said, "Sometimes I think it would be nice to be cared for like a sub... but, I know that after a while I would feel suffocated. I'm too independent and rebellious." Nowhere does that say I think subs aren't independent and rebellious. However, I did say I was independent and rebellious.



WTF? I think being vulnerable is such an admirable quality. I'm amazed that you don't. Being vulnerable is certainly not a weakness it is a state of empowerment. It is exceptionally rare that I want to be vulnerable as I fear it, but my understanding of a D/s relationship is to open up to such a degree that vulnerability becomes a super power. Like I said "I just wish sometimes I can be vulnerable like a sub."

And you want my credentials in order to participate and share my personal thoughts and experiences? Boy, tough crowd.

Since you are expecting...

I have been in a few relationships with Doms. Only one I have met in RL. But even though they are a Dom, I have never been their sub. And you know why? Because each Dom that has had me, independent of each other, has never allowed me to be a sub. They see that it is not my nature. Instead, they prefer me to be who am. They tend to not specifically define me, though they have used such phrases as "equal partner", "partner in crime" or a "Domme for Dom"s. They know, that even though I want to give myself to them, to submit, they will never truly own me. However, when I do choose to submit, I've been told it is too perfect. I need no training. I know what deep devotion is. I know how to sacrifice my will for theirs/ours. But, even though I can choose to be submissive, I'll never be a sub, if you can understand the difference. I only give myself when I want, how I want, and to how many I want. I am the master of my own submission.



See above.



Yes, This!



No. Often I find myself in a position where I need to be tender towards another Dom. And funnily enough, I have learnt some soothing tactics from previous Doms that I use on some Doms now...lol. I'm not a cuddle person what.so.ever. but you don't need to be one to give comfort and reassurance, to lift a person up through affection and care so they feel stronger.



Yes, thank you



Hm, it is nice to be spoken about instead of spoken to. You need to be more patient. I live in a different part of the world to everyone else. I will get around to you when I can. You have my answer above.

By the tone and condescension of some comments, I'm half expecting some ladies here may think my opinion doesn't count because I'm not a 'real sub'. As such, may I suggest those of you who do feel this way, understand that no experience is more valid or qualifying than another. They are just different. Aka "Kink is never one-size-fits-all."

If you're a perfect sub... I commend you. Wow. But, you're not vulnerable at those times?

Are you not vulnerable in your other relationships when you open yourself up?

BTW, I know where you live and that life in the real world is more important than here, and I patiently waited YOUR reply, not others opinions. I'm a pretty good, patient, little submissive, too. Just not perfect.

 

[Farawyn]

All subs are masters of their own submission. This is not a unique quality. You choose to submit.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I didn't say I don't think subs are not independent and rebellious. I said, "Sometimes I think it would be nice to be cared for like a sub... but, I know that after a while I would feel suffocated. I'm too independent and rebellious." Nowhere does that say I think subs aren't independent and rebellious. However, I did say I was independent and rebellious.

You did not directly state that you think subs aren't independent and rebellious, but what you did say made it reasonable to assume that was how you felt. If I said, "I'd like to be a waitress, but I'm too clumsy." That statement reveals that I don't think clumsiness is an attribute a waitress should have...I cant be a waitress because I'm too clumsy. After your newest response, I am to understand that being independent and rebellious are qualities you think wouldn't make 'you' a good sub, but that doesn't mean other subs can't have those qualities. Fair enough.

And you want my credentials in order to participate and share my personal thoughts and experiences? Boy, tough crowd.

No one asked for your credentials...just trying to understand or clarify the opinion you were trying to convey.

Since you are expecting...

I have been in a few relationships with Doms. Only one I have met in RL. But even though they are a Dom, I have never been their sub. And you know why? Because each Dom that has had me, independent of each other, has never allowed me to be a sub. They see that it is not my nature. Instead, they prefer me to be who am. They tend to not specifically define me, though they have used such phrases as "equal partner", "partner in crime" or a "Domme for Dom"s. They know, that even though I want to give myself to them, to submit, they will never truly own me.

However, when I do choose to submit, I've been told it is too perfect. I need no training.

That statement unsettles me. No 'person' (sub, Dom, or other) is perfect, or needs to be. In the above context, to me, 'too perfect' translates to 'a robotic following of orders'. Training is another subjective term. Some people practice 'training' techniques...how to hold a certain position, follow a set protocol, perform something a specific way...basically learning how 'that' Dom would like things done. Otherwise, I don't think anyone needs to be trained on how to be submissive. Maybe the issue was not perfection, but displaying what you considered to be the proper behavior instead of your natural self, which also would prevent you from being vulnerable. Just a thought.

I know what deep devotion is. I know how to sacrifice my will for theirs/ours. But, even though I can choose to be submissive, I'll never be a sub, if you can understand the difference. I only give myself when I want, how I want, and to how many I want. I am the master of my own submission.

I understand the difference between choosing to be submissive and being a sub. I don't choose to be submissive. That's just my nature, much like it is not yours. However, I am not submissive to everyone, nor am I a sub for just anyone that comes along wanting to be my Dom. I only give myself when I want, how I want, and to how many I want...otherwise wouldn't that be nonconsenual? Even if I'm 'following orders', it's still my decision...my choice to do so. I'm still doing what 'I' want.

By the tone and condescension of some comments, I'm half expecting some ladies here may think my opinion doesn't count because I'm not a 'real sub'. As such, may I suggest those of you who do feel this way, understand that no experience is more valid or qualifying than another. They are just different. Aka "Kink is never one-size-fits-all."

I don't think anyone was being condescending or disqualifying your opinion...just wasn't sure 'what' that opinion was. And yes, I think all opinions are valid even if they differ from others.

I wasn't going to comment on this post because I didn't want it to seem like I was arguing or trying to manipulate the meaning of it...which I'm not. There was just something about it that bothered me a little bit and I wanted to add my thoughts. I'm fine with people having different views and glad when they express them as their own views. Being a submissive is a very personal thing. It can mean something different to everyone. There is no right or wrong way to do it, or no set characteristics you have to display. For those who just want to 'play the role' there might be some kind of guidelines you're looking for. But if it's part of who you naturally are, then it's as simple as sharing that part of you with someone else...the when, where, how, or why doesn't matter. Just my thoughts on the subject.

 

[cascadiabound]

I wasn't going to comment on this post because I didn't want it to seem like I was arguing or trying to manipulate the meaning of it...which I'm not. There was just something about it that bothered me a little bit and I wanted to add my thoughts. I'm fine with people having different views and glad when they express them as their own views. Being a submissive is a very personal thing. It can mean something different to everyone. There is no right or wrong way to do it, or no set characteristics you have to display. For those who just want to 'play the role' there might be some kind of guidelines you're looking for. But if it's part of who you naturally are, then it's as simple as sharing that part of you with someone else...the when, where, how, or why doesn't matter. Just my thoughts on the subject.

Iams - I am glad that you decided to respond to Racy's post in the comprehensive way that you did. I think I must have had a similar response in that I felt... a bit concerned/ bothered by some of the things that she said, all of which you addressed much as I would have (i.e. - no one was looking for credentials, IMO, an unfortunate sense that the discussion had gotten adversarial when it appeared to me that people were seeking clarification on meaning, etc)

One of the things I have really appreciated about this thread is the open discussion of these topics and while sometimes people have had disagreements about what things mean or how to best approach things, overall, the sense has been that there is a wide range of how people do these relationships, and understand themselves in D/s / BDSM contexts. As I have bolded the bit above... there is no right or wrong way to do it... just the way that feels "right" to who you are and how it works between you and your partner. And what works with one partner may or may not work with another. The connection of the dyad can change many things. For myself, I know that as I have been exposed to new ideas and ways of interacting, my horizons have expanded, which changes who I am sexually. Changes my submission. Changes what might turn me on. Or even what might be a turn off. We are malleable creatures.

I am, like Iams, it seems, a submissive by nature. I can't help it. It is how I am made. I am at my happiest and my best self when I am able to securely submit sexually. This does not mean I am not feisty. Or smart. Or even bossy and a demanding powerful person in my public life. It does not mean that I see myself as "less than". I don't. I may be a submissive... But I am also a feminist... as in women are people too. Equal in all ways. But in the bedroom... in my sexual relationships ~ I choose to submit. I choose to give over control to another. Willingly. And this is in fact... doing what "I" want. In fact, I would posit that for me... this is exercising my personal agency. A feminist thing to do.

 

[RacyWilde]

If you're a perfect sub... I commend you. Wow. But, you're not vulnerable at those times?

Are you not vulnerable in your other relationships when you open yourself up?

BTW, I know where you live and that life in the real world is more important than here, and I patiently waited YOUR reply, not others opinions. I'm a pretty good, patient, little submissive, too. Just not perfect.

Ah, are you getting narky because I used the word 'perfect'? That's what you are picking out? Yes, 'wow' indeed...lol.

I believe the line was 'I've been told it is too perfect' and when you read it in context, you understand I am talking about submission, not 'subbing'. I specifically say in several places in the paragraph:

• I have never been their sub...
  
• has never allowed me to be a sub
  
• it is not my nature
  
• even though I can choose to be submissive, I'll never be a sub

I fail to see where I have said I am a "sub".

I did write, however: 'even though I can choose to be submissive, I'll never be a sub, if you can understand the difference." It doesn't seem like you do understand the difference between submission and being a sub. Submission – to submit, is a verb, an action, and the word submissive is an adjective. These two words are not necessarily linked to the noun, submissive. You do realise anyone can submit or be submissive, not just subs? Submission is a power that can be accessed by all. Me, in the role of a Domme, I can choose to submit. I can choose to be submissive to another Dom if I so desire. I can even choose to be submissive to a sub. But to reiterate, being submissive (or submitting) does not mean I am a sub. I hope you get this.

About being vulnerable. As I said in my first comment: 'I just wish sometimes I can be vulnerable like a sub.' To me that means taking risks in hope, knowing that you could be wounded emotionally (or physically) but being brave and trusting your partner to develop your relationship even further in spite of those risks. So yes, in that sense vulnerability does not come easy to me. I never put myself in such positions. I don't take those risks. I choose my relationships very wisely so I don't have to.

But that does not mean I don't open up to deepen my relationship with someone. I just don't do it until I'm 100% in trust. When trust has been earnt, I surrender myself, abandon all inhibition, relinquish my fears, and fall into pure devotion. That is because I am in love with the person. BUT this sort of surrender is not necessarily a part of a D/s relationship. Yes, trust and vulnerability are defining characteristics of a D/s relationship, but not love and devotion - surrender. I know of many D/s relationships that are purely physical, and many, when the day is over, return back to their respective spouses. Love and devotion is saved for their spouse not given to their Dom/sub.

So to clarify, vulnerability and surrender are not the same thing. I personally find it difficult to be vulnerable with the practice of submission, though it certainly doesn't mean I can't do it. But, I can surrender my being to someone I love and trust completely. And surrendering in no way needs to be a part of submission!

Moving on...

Your last comment is just a snide remark. I going to ignore it.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[RacyWilde]

All subs are masters of their own submission. This is not a unique quality. You choose to submit.

Exactly! And submission is not purely a sub thing - everyone has the capacity and will if they so desire. One of the most beautiful things to experience is when a hardcore Dom willingly submits to you. Some people do confuse this with 'topping from the bottom', but no... when a Dom suddenly reaches a type of subspace, something inside of them switches, and they fall at your feet... It's purely amazing.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Racy, I have a thread on vulnerability somewhere in talk. You might like to contribute there too? Your views are much more aligned with where my journey started and I admire reading you, Iams and Cassie is putting me in some ...introspective confusion.

Sorry, I didn't mean to make things confusing...I think it's possible we are kinda arguing the same point, just maybe expressing it differently?

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Iamsubmissive]

One of the most beautiful things to experience is when a hardcore Dom willingly submits to you. Some people do confuse this with 'topping from the bottom', but no... when a Dom suddenly reaches a type of subspace, something inside of them switches, and they fall at your feet... It's purely amazing.

I have felt loved, cherished, even worshiped by my Dom, but I've never experienced the 'Dom subspace/submission you described above. That sounds interesting to me...I'd be interested in hearing from others, especially Doms, about this kind of thing if anyone is willing to share...

 

[Farawyn]

I have felt loved, cherished, even worshiped by my Dom, but I've never experienced the 'Dom subspace/submission you described above. That sounds interesting to me...I'd be interested in hearing from others, especially Doms, about this kind of thing if anyone is willing to share...

Me?
Not submit, but in a loving in the flesh relationship, you become vulnerable to each other. It doesn't change the dynamic sexually, other than enhancing it. Just because he's vulnerable to me does not mean he's submissive to me.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Ah, are you getting narky because I used the word 'perfect'? That's what you are picking out? Yes, 'wow' indeed...lol.

I believe the line was 'I've been told it is too perfect' and when you read it in context, you understand I am talking about submission, not 'subbing'. I specifically say in several places in the paragraph:

• I have never been their sub...
  
• has never allowed me to be a sub
  
• it is not my nature
  
• even though I can choose to be submissive, I'll never be a sub

I fail to see where I have said I am a "sub".

I did write, however: 'even though I can choose to be submissive, I'll never be a sub, if you can understand the difference." It doesn't seem like you do understand the difference between submission and being a sub. Submission – to submit, is a verb, an action, and the word submissive is an adjective. These two words are not necessarily linked to the noun, submissive. You do realise anyone can submit or be submissive, not just subs? Submission is a power that can be accessed by all. Me, in the role of a Domme, I can choose to submit. I can choose to be submissive to another Dom if I so desire. I can even choose to be submissive to a sub. But to reiterate, being submissive (or submitting) does not mean I am a sub. I hope you get this.

About being vulnerable. As I said in my first comment: 'I just wish sometimes I can be vulnerable like a sub.' To me that means taking risks in hope, knowing that you could be wounded emotionally (or physically) but being brave and trusting your partner to develop your relationship even further in spite of those risks. So yes, in that sense vulnerability does not come easy to me. I never put myself in such positions. I don't take those risks. I choose my relationships very wisely so I don't have to.

But that does not mean I don't open up to deepen my relationship with someone. I just don't do it until I'm 100% in trust. When trust has been earnt, I surrender myself, abandon all inhibition, relinquish my fears, and fall into pure devotion. That is because I am in love with the person. BUT this sort of surrender is not necessarily a part of a D/s relationship. Yes, trust and vulnerability are defining characteristics of a D/s relationship, but not love and devotion - surrender. I know of many D/s relationships that are purely physical, and many, when the day is over, return back to their respective spouses. Love and devotion is saved for their spouse not given to their Dom/sub.

So to clarify, vulnerability and surrender are not the same thing. I personally find it difficult to be vulnerable with the practice of submission, though it certainly doesn't mean I can't do it. But, I can surrender my being to someone I love and trust completely. And surrendering in no way needs to be a part of submission!

Moving on...

Your last comment is just a snide remark. I going to ignore it.

You know many, but not all. For some of us, love, devotion, surrendering, and submission are all tied together.

I think if you'll read what was posted by IAMS, you'll find how some of your first post sounded. How it came across. As for being too perfect, I am glad no one has ever told me that. I like to grow and develop.

 

[RacyWilde]

Originally Posted by RacyWilde View Post
I didn't say I don't think subs are not independent and rebellious. I said, "Sometimes I think it would be nice to be cared for like a sub... but, I know that after a while I would feel suffocated. I'm too independent and rebellious." Nowhere does that say I think subs aren't independent and rebellious. However, I did say I was independent and rebellious.

You did not directly state that you think subs aren't independent and rebellious, but what you did say made it reasonable to assume that was how you felt. If I said, "I'd like to be a waitress, but I'm too clumsy." That statement reveals that I don't think clumsiness is an attribute a waitress should have...I cant be a waitress because I'm too clumsy. After your newest response, I am to understand that being independent and rebellious are qualities you think wouldn't make 'you' a good sub, but that doesn't mean other subs can't have those qualities. Fair enough.


Isn't the whole premise of a sub to submit? Subs may be "independent and rebellious" to their own degree but never more than their submission, otherwise the D/s relationship won't work - brats still submit. My "independence and rebellion" is stronger than my submission - too strong to keep a D/s relationship. Or just maybe I haven't met a strong enough Dom yet. So, therefore I don't think "independence and rebellion" is an attribute of a sub, no. At least not to the degree that I have.

And you want my credentials in order to participate and share my personal thoughts and experiences? Boy, tough crowd.

No one asked for your credentials...just trying to understand or clarify the opinion you were trying to convey.

I was challenged to prove my knowledge/experience: 'I am under the assumption you are neither Dom nor sub, so I am wondering what you really know about submissives...'

I'd say this amounts to 'credentials'. What do you put on a CV but your knowledge and experience? I'm sure everyone who wants 'clarification' and 'understanding' of my comment should appreciate me divulging such.


Since you are expecting...

I have been in a few relationships with Doms. Only one I have met in RL. But even though they are a Dom, I have never been their sub. And you know why? Because each Dom that has had me, independent of each other, has never allowed me to be a sub. They see that it is not my nature. Instead, they prefer me to be who am. They tend to not specifically define me, though they have used such phrases as "equal partner", "partner in crime" or a "Domme for Dom"s. They know, that even though I want to give myself to them, to submit, they will never truly own me.

However, when I do choose to submit, I've been told it is too perfect. I need no training.

That statement unsettles me. No 'person' (sub, Dom, or other) is perfect, or needs to be. In the above context, to me, 'too perfect' translates to 'a robotic following of orders'. Training is another subjective term. Some people practice 'training' techniques...how to hold a certain position, follow a set protocol, perform something a specific way...basically learning how 'that' Dom would like things done. Otherwise, I don't think anyone needs to be trained on how to be submissive. Maybe the issue was not perfection, but displaying what you considered to be the proper behavior instead of your natural self, which also would prevent you from being vulnerable. Just a thought.

How curious that everyone is fearful of the word 'perfect'. You do realise perfection is relative. Subjective. It is in the eye of the beholder when we are talking about human beings. Heck, some men have called my body perfect on my pic thread. Should I not believe how they feel, or feel good about the fact that they think so? (And just for clarification, because I feel I have to at this point - NO, I don't think my body is perfect, I'm using what other's have said as an example.) Or is it the fact that you think I am boasting? That no one is allowed to be perfect in your world? I can assure you, I am not boasting. I do believe the line was: 'when I do choose to submit, I've been told it is too perfect.' This clearly suggests that my beholder thought this way about me. Is it so wrong or unthinkable for me to be in tune with a Dom so much so that he thinks I'm perfect? I believed that's what he thought and shared it with you to explain why I wouldn't make a 'good sub'. (I would go into the fact that I think being 'too perfect' is actually a bad thing...lol. Doms don't want you to be perfect because what's the fun in that? lol)

I know what deep devotion is. I know how to sacrifice my will for theirs/ours. But, even though I can choose to be submissive, I'll never be a sub, if you can understand the difference. I only give myself when I want, how I want, and to how many I want. I am the master of my own submission.

I understand the difference between choosing to be submissive and being a sub. I don't choose to be submissive. That's just my nature, much like it is not yours. However, I am not submissive to everyone, nor am I a sub for just anyone that comes along wanting to be my Dom. I only give myself when I want, how I want, and to how many I want...otherwise wouldn't that be nonconsenual? Even if I'm 'following orders', it's still my decision...my choice to do so. I'm still doing what 'I' want.

If it is your nature, then you don't choose it - but I'm not going to go into the logic of this here.

Ah, no. I was talking about when you are already in the middle of a D/s relationship. When I am in a D/s relationship, he has no control over who, when, what... because I don't give up my will completely to him. I don't set it up that way - even though he'll try, and usually think it is a challenge. (Most Doms I've come across want this control.) If I want to fuck someone else... if I want to talk to someone else... if I want to masturbate... I goddamn will and it has nothing to do with him. They think/understand that if I'm like this then I'll be his sub but with 'permission' to play with others - but no. If he wants me, he will let me be free, and give up his control. I only allow him to have control of me when I want it while in the middle of our relationship. To my understanding, this is not the norm.


By the tone and condescension of some comments, I'm half expecting some ladies here may think my opinion doesn't count because I'm not a 'real sub'. As such, may I suggest those of you who do feel this way, understand that no experience is more valid or qualifying than another. They are just different. Aka "Kink is never one-size-fits-all."

I don't think anyone was being condescending or disqualifying your opinion...just wasn't sure 'what' that opinion was. And yes, I think all opinions are valid even if they differ from others.

Being spoken about, not spoken to, when I am within a thread, is being treated like a child, which is condescension.

I wasn't going to comment on this post because I didn't want it to seem like I was arguing or trying to manipulate the meaning of it...which I'm not. There was just something about it that bothered me a little bit and I wanted to add my thoughts. I'm fine with people having different views and glad when they express them as their own views. Being a submissive is a very personal thing. It can mean something different to everyone. There is no right or wrong way to do it, or no set characteristics you have to display. For those who just want to 'play the role' there might be some kind of guidelines you're looking for. But if it's part of who you naturally are, then it's as simple as sharing that part of you with someone else...the when, where, how, or why doesn't matter. Just my thoughts on the subject.

I think the thing that bothers most 'traditional' subs is my progressive ideas. They generally see my ideas as not wrong, but just different. People don't like change and I really believe that the traditional idea of a sub, Dom, etc is changing... more individualistic or hybrid versions are coming out. It means the D/s is going to become less definable. That scares some people, especially if they feel safe with boundaries.

 

[RacyWilde]

You know many, but not all. For some of us, love, devotion, surrendering, and submission are all tied together.

I think if you'll read what was posted by IAMS, you'll find how some of your first post sounded. How it came across. As for being too perfect, I am glad no one has ever told me that. I like to grow and develop.

If you are too perfect for someone it is time to move on

 

[cascadiabound]

You know many, but not all. For some of us, love, devotion, surrendering, and submission are all tied together.

I think if you'll read what was posted by IAMS, you'll find how some of your first post sounded. How it came across. As for being too perfect, I am glad no one has ever told me that. I like to grow and develop.

BFG ~ I don't think that Racy intended to say she "was perfect" nor do I think it is fair for you to equate what she said to her not being interested in growing or developing as you imply here.

I have sometimes been asked things like..."is there anything you don't do well?" Which embarrasses me because I do no intend to come across as any kind of a perfect person. However, I do pride myself on mastering the things that I do, and am not generally comfortable letting people see me when I am in the "learning" stages.

I wonder if perhaps part of the disconnect in the conversation is that Racy is speaking from mostly a PYL perspective who also has experienced in her own way what it means to submit, though, clearly not as a pyl.

I too am interested in hearing more about Dom/ Domme/PYL subspace that she mentioned...I would want to understand that...and be able to be aware of and meet my partner's needs should he experience anything like that.

PS. Apologies Racy...not intending to speak for you.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]