Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[Subjenni]

So sorry to read this submissive, I was just going to sign on and reply to your message when I saw your news. Hard hard decision, But good for you for making it. Do you still want to hear my story? I'd rather PM you to Be honest about it, but only if it will help.

 

[IslandStyle_44]

Lurker here and thought I'd reply.

I haven't exactly had a problem with judging, and I've had very positive feedback when I've shared. With that said, I rarely share pics. Rarely. I can count the occasions on one hand. I prefer keeping my anonymity intact. I've seen people get destroyed by doing so, and I have too much to lose. So, I don't use my appearance to "close" a deal (or even start one).

Usually, the attraction starts long before pics come into play, if they do at all. I prefer the written word and eventually voice with the right partner. I'm attracted by a woman's intelligence and personality. No need for a pic to determine those traits.

I am curious - Primalex and other men here...

how do you feel about women judging whether they want to be involved with you on-line based upon appearances of a photo? Or has this not been an issue?

 

[IslandStyle_44]

Recent lurker here. I came across you on Kim's thread.

It is a sad experience, indeed. I commend you for making the decision as it's a difficult one. You need to protect yourself - always. I've been on both sides of that decision. Fortunately, never for negative or poor behavioral reasons. Well, I ended one because crazy but that's an outlier. Here's the thing: walking that tight rope and stepping over the edge to areas you know you shouldn't go is what makes the overall experience deep. Meaningful even. In doing so, you're bound to be flooded with emotions. As a former mate might say, we were doomed from the onset. It doesn't mean that results of our time together had no value. As you stated, you learned a lot.

The walk away - these relationships or engagements have a shelf life (BDSM or not). Knowing that going in (and speaking openly about it with a partner), helps keep things in perspective. It also makes parting a bit easier. Just a little bit.

Time heals all wounds, IamS. The good news: in time you'll likely smile to yourself upon reflection of your thing with him.

I am really sad to post this and part of me already regrets my decision to end my online D/s relationship. It's like throwing away a good thing...because it was really, really good! But I just couldn't handle the flood of so many strong emotions....I will say that I don't regret a single minute of the time we shared, and I learned a lot.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

ias:

It seems as if you were thoughtful and deliberative in your approach, and while that may not make it easier, it should give you confidence in your decision.

 

[DemiAngora]

Lurker here and thought I'd reply.


Usually, the attraction starts long before pics come into play, if they do at all. I prefer the written word and eventually voice with the right partner. I'm attracted by a woman's intelligence and personality. No need for a pic to determine those traits.

For me photos/voice/video play a big role. If he tells me he cant't send me any of the mentioned, I automatically assume he is the following:

1. Unattractive
2. Too old or young
3. Married

So my next thought is NEXT even if he tells me he is a movie star.

 

[FarFlunked]

Thank you for this thread, and all the comments!

I just read through the replies in their entirety, and I'd like to tie together a couple of subtopics that have been commented on quite a bit -- "poofing" and "men posing online as women."

I go back to the early days of the internet -- pre-.com-- when you used telnet to get to IRC chat. I did a lot of rp'ing at the time in Gor and got to know a few slaves quite well over a number of years. That was unusual, in that I was a pretty lousy rp'er, and as a man in Gor, was expected to be Dom-ish. I didn't do that well, so usually was on the outside, looking in, and interacting with the group rather than individuals.

Anyway ... after a number of years, I was rp-ing in Second Life (after the net got visual, etc.) very well with an urt. Urts in Gor are girls who aren't slaves, often either very poor prostitutes or urchins on the street. This woman had a wonderful wit, and we had a few months of role playing that was a lot of fun.

One day, the urt opened up to me in private chat. She told me that her body was male, but that she was basically transgender with no opportunity or hope to live "real life" as a woman. The net was her only outlet. No one had ever had a clue as to her physical sex. Then she really dropped a bombshell ... she had been a number of slave girls over the years, for extended periods, some of whom I had known. She was playing an urt at that point because she had found that her relationships while role-playing a female slave had always gotten to the point where they were deeper than could be sustained in text ... and voice, or pictures, would have given her away. She poofed. She hurt, and she knew that she hurt others as well, in the poofing. Finally, she chose a role that didn't allow her any real interaction at that level, but was sort of like mine -- on the outside, looking in.

I was on the outside looking in because I am male and submissive (although I denied it to myself for much of that time) and she was on the outside looking in because she couldn't continue hurting ... and being hurt ... by the relationships she built.

 

[Nzerxx]

I watched both 50 Shades movies and enjoyed them both. The BDSM element I'd consider light as they really are typical romance movies with a side dish of D/s themes. I'd say the movies are mediocre, not bad, but not Oscar worthy either. If you want to view films focusing on the softer or romantic side of BDSM then avoid anything that has to do with porn. You'll probably want to stick with the normal mostly lower budget feature films. You can look up the 50 Shades movies on Amazon and then look below where they advertise other similar movies or movies that others have purchased who also purchased the 50 Shades movies. There are all kinds of BDSM themed regular movies out there, some better than others. Just don't bother with porn or video clips if you want to enjoy the softer or romantic side of this theme.

I enjoyed them too .
Thanks for the advice re other movies. Does anyone have any recommendations?

 

[Nzerxx]

Plus there are lists like this out there which focus more on the older films.

https://amp.theguardian.com/film/2015/feb/10/bdsm-film-top-10-fifty-shades-grey

Oops sorry I should've just kept reading. Is it just me or does James Spader give anyone else the creeps?

 

[SilverBass]

Oops sorry I should've just kept reading. Is it just me or does James Spader give anyone else the creeps?

Yes, he is a bit creepy, but in that movie The Secretary he isn't that bad. I just saw it recently. He is more eccentric in that. Great film, perhaps not the greatest BDSM film as it doesn't get into that very much, but it does do a decent job of showing the D/s theme.

 

[Farawyn]

For me photos/voice/video play a big role. If he tells me he cant't send me any of the mentioned, I automatically assume he is the following:

1. Unattractive
2. Too old or young
3. Married

So my next thought is NEXT even if he tells me he is a movie star.

This.

 

[Farawyn]

ias, I'm sorry. We've all been there.

There was someone I spoke to when I first got to lit. He's since left, and I've moved on to a real life love thang. However, we still talk every couple of weeks or so. His kids play the same sports as mine, are the same age, and it is completely platonic. The caring doesn't leave, it just shifts. It can be done.

(Be careful wading through the Dom Jungle on Lit, now that you're available!)

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

ias, I'm sorry. We've all been there.

There was someone I spoke to when I first got to lit. He's since left, and I've moved on to a real life love thang. However, we still talk every couple of weeks or so. His kids play the same sports as mine, are the same age, and it is completely platonic. The caring doesn't leave, it just shifts. It can be done.

(Be careful wading through the Dom Jungle on Lit, now that you're available!)

"Dom Jungle"
*Chuckles and does her best Carol Burnet yodel*

 

[IslandStyle_44]

Totally appreciate your position and finding something that works for you. I have my own reasons which I stated previously. Nothing/no one is worth losing my anonymity until I choose to offer it up.

Yours,

The 80/14 yr old, polygamist with a hunch back and neck goiter that's the eldest brother of Jason Bateman. Sorry, only the sibling of a movie star...Next me.

For me photos/voice/video play a big role. If he tells me he cant't send me any of the mentioned, I automatically assume he is the following:

1. Unattractive
2. Too old or young
3. Married

So my next thought is NEXT even if he tells me he is a movie star.

 

[Mustang Sally]

I am really sad to post this and part of me already regrets my decision to end my online D/s relationship. It's like throwing away a good thing...because it was really, really good! But I just couldn't handle the flood of so many strong emotions.

...

Just wanted to add my condolences. I think ending it now was a brave decision. I can imagine how difficult it was, but ultimately you must protect your heart. I hope someday soon you find the real life relationship you're craving.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

personal update...

Hello, everyone! I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and concern. I received a lot of PMs also, both from people who have been actively posting on here and others that haven't been comfortable commenting in public. So, I just wanted to give a quick (maybe long) update.

I had to take a few days away from it all, this thread and Lit in general. I couldn't even look at this thread without breaking out in tears. Not because I couldn't function or was too heartbroken, just because I needed time to clear my head. The loss of any significant relationship is a sad thing, but it was my decision and, as hard as it was, I'm confident I did the best thing that was needed for me.

At the time, my online partner was the only SO in my life. I've had very meaningful and long lasting D/s relationships in RL, but this was my first online experience. Even though it was clear in the beginning that it would not move to RL and we were both free to have a RL partner too, I was naive in thinking that because it was only online it wouldn't be 'real'...which it very much was. I also tend to get very 'attached' to my Dom, dependant even. In RL that can be a good thing...a very strong and closer bond. Only online, it was too much for me to handle. And also made it difficult to find (or want) a RL partner.

So, my decision was a very personal one for me. That doesn't mean I don't think online relationships can be great. I do. I also think they can definitely be worth the effort. It just wasn't right for me at this moment in time. For everyone else...don't be discouraged by my decision.

My friend (and former online D) has been so understanding and supportive throughout all of this. I couldn't have asked for better. We have been in contact briefly...just a "How are you? I'm here if you need me" type of thing. Our plan is to keep in touch sporadically, remain friends that care about each other and what's going on in our lives. I've had comments from others that transitioning to lifelong friends is very possible and has been successful for them, so I have good hopes.

Anyway, I'm still interested in this topic and open for continuing discussions if people are still interested. This thread has helped me, and I think a few others...so, I'm not abandoning it altogether. Feel free to continue posting on here or sending PMs if you're shy...

 

[Iamsubmissive]

So sorry to read this submissive, I was just going to sign on and reply to your message when I saw your news. Hard hard decision, But good for you for making it. Do you still want to hear my story? I'd rather PM you to Be honest about it, but only if it will help.

I am still interest if you'd like to share. You can post on here or PM if you're more comfortable that way. Hope everything is going well for you

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Lurker here and thought I'd reply.

...

Usually, the attraction starts long before pics come into play, if they do at all. I prefer the written word and eventually voice with the right partner. I'm attracted by a woman's intelligence and personality. No need for a pic to determine those traits.

I agree...thanks for sharing your point of view!

 

[SilverBass]

I think you are being incredible strong. Well done.

Yes she is strong, and Iams is one of my favorite posters here. I love her objectivity and very logical and well balanced commenting style.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I just read through the replies in their entirety, and I'd like to tie together a couple of subtopics that have been commented on quite a bit -- "poofing" and "men posing online as women."

This woman had a wonderful wit, and we had a few months of role playing that was a lot of fun.

One day, the urt opened up to me in private chat. She told me that her body was male, but that she was basically transgender with no opportunity or hope to live "real life" as a woman. The net was her only outlet. No one had ever had a clue as to her physical sex. Then she really dropped a bombshell ... she had been a number of slave girls over the years, for extended periods, some of whom I had known.

I was on the outside looking in because I am male and submissive (although I denied it to myself for much of that time) and she was on the outside looking in because she couldn't continue hurting ... and being hurt ... by the relationships she built.

That was an interesting post. It sounds like you understood her plight, but I was just wondering...did you feel deceived when you learned the truth? Did it change your interactions with her?

 

[Iamsubmissive]

ias, I'm sorry. We've all been there.

There was someone I spoke to when I first got to lit. He's since left, and I've moved on to a real life love thang. However, we still talk every couple of weeks or so. His kids play the same sports as mine, are the same age, and it is completely platonic. The caring doesn't leave, it just shifts. It can be done.

(Be careful wading through the Dom Jungle on Lit, now that you're available!)

Thanks. You've given me a bright outlook on transitioning to friends.

And I haven't been introduced to the "Dom Jungle" yet...LOL!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I think you are being incredible strong. Well done.

Thank you!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Yes she is strong, and Iams is one of my favorite posters here. I love her objectivity and very logical and well balanced commenting style.

I'm very flattered...thank you!

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[ToPleaseHim]

ias, I'm sorry. We've all been there.

There was someone I spoke to when I first got to lit. He's since left, and I've moved on to a real life love thang. However, we still talk every couple of weeks or so. His kids play the same sports as mine, are the same age, and it is completely platonic. The caring doesn't leave, it just shifts. It can be done.

(Be careful wading through the Dom Jungle on Lit, now that you're available!)

This experience matches mine. My first dominant partner was through Lit, and he is the "him" in my username. We still love each other, but it's a friendly, caring way - wanting life updates and staying in touch occasionally, but not as romantic partners.

I did have another D partner from this site for a couple of years, and it seemed to be ending well, as well as things can end. But that changed and we are no longer even friends.

Neither of these were online only, as we met in person a few times, but they were primarily online and it can be every bit as real as real life. The joys and the hurts go just as deep.



On the subject of my name...I was thinking about asking Laurel about changing it. It no longer makes sense to me. I have been dwelling on something like GingerSnap.