Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[SilverBass]

I am curious - Primalex and other men here...

how do you feel about women judging whether they want to be involved with you on-line based upon appearances of a photo? Or has this not been an issue?

On my way out the door I had to respond to one more post.

I haven't done the online thing, but when I was doing personal ads long ago I'd send out my photo as well. I often, never heard back. This includes one time when neither of us sent out photos until weeks into our phone conversation, then we exchanged photos. She was beautiful, but I never heard back from her after she received mine.

It's a real bummer, but that's life. As men, we get used to rejection so I think, generally speaking, we deal with it better. Always sucks, but you move on. Plenty of fish out there.

 

[Primalex]

I am curious - Primalex and other men here...

how do you feel about women judging whether they want to be involved with you on-line based upon appearances of a photo? Or has this not been an issue?

I think what I wrote here is true for women, too. So yes, it does become an issue sometimes.

How do I feel about it?
I feel anxious about it and the reaction, but it has not much impact.

For comparison:
If I buy a raffle ticket at the fair, I'm anxious about the result - and I feel disappointed if it's not my number, but it's still okay, like really okay. Still disappointing, but okay. I don't have the urge to cuss the seller and I don't burden myself with thoughts on why I wasn't good enough to win.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

For comparison:
If I buy a raffle ticket at the fair, I'm anxious about the result - and I feel disappointed if it's not my number, but it's still okay, like really okay. Still disappointing, but okay. I don't have the urge to cuss the seller and I don't burden myself with thoughts on why I wasn't good enough to win.

I like that comparison. Except with me, I don't buy a raffle ticket...I am the winning ticket and for the lucky winner...the prizes are unlimited...

 

[SexyLitForAll]

I Prefer not to exchange pics online. For me, a big part of online relationships is the mix of reality and fantasy. Tell about yourself - not a physical description, but one of who you are...then, let me picture you in my mind. Given that I'm a design professional, who works in the world of picturing things that do not yet exist everyday, I always prefer to create my vision of you in my mind. Don't screw it up with some out of focus, green-tinted grainy selfie of yourself standing in a cluttered bathroom.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I'm in a very loving mood today! So I just wanted to sent out my love to all the great people here...I've seen such good and caring advice, compassion, understanding, and acceptance...even when opinions differ. I'm happy to know you all! (even if Pimalex is teasing me with his signature line and DeepGreenEyes is teasing me with his username ) Have a great weekend everyone!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Don't screw it up with some out of focus, green-tinted grainy selfie of yourself standing in a cluttered bathroom.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I'm in a very loving mood today! So I just wanted to sent out my love to all the great people here...I've seen such good and caring advice, compassion, understanding, and acceptance...even when opinions differ. I'm happy to know you all! (even if Pimalex is teasing me with his signature line and DeepGreenEyes is teasing me with his username ) Have a great weekend everyone!

*checks to see what Iamsubmissive is smoking*

 

[Farawyn]

I'm in a very loving mood today! So I just wanted to sent out my love to all the great people here...I've seen such good and caring advice, compassion, understanding, and acceptance...even when opinions differ. I'm happy to know you all! (even if Pimalex is teasing me with his signature line and DeepGreenEyes is teasing me with his username ) Have a great weekend everyone!

*checks to see what Iamsubmissive is smoking*

I'm gonna grow some of that in my garden this year. Well ration it to her until she calms down.

 

[Farawyn]

I'm in a very loving mood today! So I just wanted to sent out my love to all the great people here...I've seen such good and caring advice, compassion, understanding, and acceptance...even when opinions differ. I'm happy to know you all! (even if Pimalex is teasing me with his signature line and DeepGreenEyes is teasing me with his username ) Have a great weekend everyone!

Hmmm... did DGE post in this thread?

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

Hmmm... did DGE post in this thread?

eyup....

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I'm gonna grow some of that in my garden this year. Well ration it to her until she calms down.

Hey!...I'm high on love...just embrace it!

 

[Farawyn]

Hey!...I'm high on love...just embrace it!

*double gloves*

I'm not a hugger as a rule, but...

 

[SilverBass]

I Prefer not to exchange pics online. For me, a big part of online relationships is the mix of reality and fantasy. Tell about yourself - not a physical description, but one of who you are...then, let me picture you in my mind. Given that I'm a design professional, who works in the world of picturing things that do not yet exist everyday, I always prefer to create my vision of you in my mind. Don't screw it up with some out of focus, green-tinted grainy selfie of yourself standing in a cluttered bathroom.

That is certainly very reasonable on your end, just make sure your partner is in the same boat. The only tragedy is when one is being real and authentic and the other prefers the fantasy. In otherwords, just don't misrepresent, but if fantasy, or a fantasy/reality mix is preferred and understood by both, go at it!

 

[SexyLitForAll]

That is certainly very reasonable on your end, just make sure your partner is in the same boat. The only tragedy is when one is being real and authentic and the other prefers the fantasy. In otherwords, just don't misrepresent, but if fantasy, or a fantasy/reality mix is preferred and understood by both, go at it!

Very true. I do have one picture on my profile, but that's just to give folks a hint of who I am. It's the only one of me that anyone here Will get to see, regardless of the circumstances. I've been back and forth regarding whether to leave it up or not.

 

[TongueLust]

you nut...

Lately, yes.

 

[Mrtenant]

And through 17 pages of figuring out what's real and what's not, what having a face means to everyone and if that's real or not, whether online is a venue for you or not, whether it leads to offline real meetups or not-- then what?

Obviously we are in or out. Out is easy....move right along.

What about in? You're going to go the route of online D/s, possibly long distance, might meet some time, might not, might be married or something and just away, out of town. What are you going to do now? How do you keep connected? It seems that is the majority of what people's expectations are rather than a quick in/out hookup. What kind of mechanics are involved?

In my past experience, it was nice to be part of a community, even were it online only. Like here at Lit. And also to have something personal between myself and my partner. We always kept a blog for a record of our own experiences. Something that was mandatory from the beginning. We found there would be unexpected feels and insight that would arise as the blog was created and shared by us both. It wasn't just a record keeping tool. It wasn't the only thing, but it was a really good tool and personal venue for us only.

What works for other people? (Other than the obvious text or voice)

 

[Iamsubmissive]

And through 17 pages of figuring out what's real and what's not, what having a face means to everyone and if that's real or not, whether online is a venue for you or not, whether it leads to offline real meetups or not-- then what?

What works for other people? (Other than the obvious text or voice)

Yes, then what? That's the million dollar question. I'm sure everyone's answers would be tailored to their own experiences, type of relationship, and personal preferences/limitations. And what works for some may not work for others. But ideas and suggestions can spark new ideas too, or offer new things to try. From there I think it's all trial and error...what fits for you or meets your needs.

I've heard other people mention the blog thing, or an online journal, and my Dom actually suggested that. But I'm not too excited about posting things on the internet that other people have access to...that might sound hypocritical since I'm posting things here, but it's not the same as detailed, private thoughts that are meant to be shared between two people. So, what we do is use email. Every night I email him a 'diary page' which includes simple daily events to emotional discoveries. Sometimes a detailed report on a specific task, or questions and concerns that come up. Every morning I receive a response from him, replying to my message and sharing his own thoughts. His email sometimes includes certain instructions for the day, or questions for me to answer. We also send messages throughout the day when we can and IM whenever we're both available at the same time. We don't have each others physical address, so for gift giving he buys a prepaid visa card and sends me the account info and a link to the product he would like to purchase for me...so far those things have worked for us.

 

[SilverBass]

Yeah, people find different ways to connect, whether RL or online, it is all different. When you think about it, we all have our own unique ways to relate in the real world just like we have been discussing the variations online. Whatever works, trial and error, learn and experience, and then just finding the right partner that fits.

I really find it interesting hearing about what other people do, because yes it does give me ideas for my own life, especially in the BDSM world since I am still fairly new at it and am getting new ideas every day.

Regarding online, and this is just for me. I would find it depressing if that was my only avenue for any kind of intimacy, and I would use it strictly as supplemental to whatever is going on in my RL. There were times in the past when I became too wrapped up in online (not BDSM) connections and when that started taking up time I should have been out and about, I realized there was a problem. We are real people here, but we are also, in a sense only two-dimensional without any physical RL contact. For some they may not have a choice, but just in talking about my experiences only, no matter what I have going on in cyberville, supplemental rather than primary seems to provide maximum fulfillment all the way around.

All about perspective and context!

 

[Subjenni]

Hi I am submissive- first off, thank you for opening up this discussion. I have been reading the post since you started it and I think has been helping me with my relationship. I, too, have been in an online relationship that has recently turned into this dom/sub (new for me) thing. It is so confusing. Feels silly at times, but I try to remember it's what the two of but us make of it. It should be fun. It seems like the two of you have something pretty fun going on and wish you well with it. Thanks again for opening this discussion up.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Hi I am submissive- first off, thank you for opening up this discussion. I have been reading the post since and I think has been helping me with my relationship. I, too, have been in an online relationship that has recently turned into this dom/sub (new for me) thing. It is so confusing. Feels silly at times, but I try to remember it's what the two of but us make of it. It should be fun. It seems like the two of you have something pretty fun going on and wishbone you well with it. Thanks again for opening this discussion up.

Welcome! Thanks for joining in. I'm curious...you said your online relationship recently turned into a D/s thing...so I'm assuming that wasn't the intention when it started. How did it evolve into D/s? You said it's new for you, but does he have previous experience with it? Just wondering...I find it interesting to hear how these things come about. And I agree with you, it can be confusing...even for those who have D/s experience. Feel free to ask questions too. It's sometimes useful to hear what others have experienced. Good luck on your journey

 

[Iamsubmissive]

My heartbreaking news...

I am really sad to post this and part of me already regrets my decision to end my online D/s relationship. It's like throwing away a good thing...because it was really, really good! But I just couldn't handle the flood of so many strong emotions. So here's how it went down...

After hearing so many different perspectives from people on this thread and quite a few private messages from those that didn't feel comfortable posting publicly, I took some time to consider my situation and how I saw things playing out.

I talked to my online partner and expressed my concerns. We both agreed that this wasn't going to move to RL from the beginning, and I was fine with that...or at least I thought I was. Now, I don't think it's possible to have that kind of connection or form a special bond with someone, especially with the D/s dynamic, and NOT want it to be real. At least not for me. This was my first online relationship so I didn't know...I just didn't know anything. It started out with sending messages, then email...just getting to know each other. Then pictures were exchanged, adding more appeal. Then voice...my god, that made a big impact I didn't expect. And finally video, making it even more real! Daily rituals, gifts, tasks, sharing intimate details and an emotional connection, frequent contact...it all serves as the preliminary to 'more'...but there isn't more for us. So it's more of a torment...knowing it can't go on like that forever means there has to be an ending somewhere in there. I think the longer it goes on, the deeper the connection gets, and the harder you fall in the end. I don't want that...for me or for him.

We did decide that it was too special to just throw it all away because of fear or uncertainty, so we're going to keep in touch, check in with each other from time to time...maybe even have some online 'play' if we both want it...cuz he really is quite creative and talented. (I guess kinda an online friend with online benefits.) We'll see how that goes. Maybe we just moved too fast. Maybe the timing was off and things could change later. I don't know. I already miss what we had (and I'm actually crying now while I'm writing this) but I still think it's for the best.

Sure, we could have just let it all play out, but I think the monogamous part of me felt like it was unfair to hold onto something that you couldn't truly devote your whole self to. He's an amazing person, and an awesome Dom...I want him to find someone he can really share his life with.

In the future, I wouldnt rule out an online relationship but I would make sure it had the potential to lead to something in RL because I realized that's just how I'm built. But I also don't want to discourage others who feel differently. For those who have been following this thread and maybe looking for advice...everyone has to decide what works for them on their own. I will say that I don't regret a single minute of the time we shared, and I learned a lot.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I am really sad to post this and part of me already regrets my decision to end my online D/s relationship. It's like throwing away a good thing...because it was really, really good! But I just couldn't handle the flood of so many strong emotions. So here's how it went down...

After hearing so many different perspectives from people on this thread and quite a few private messages from those that didn't feel comfortable posting publicly, I took some time to consider my situation and how I saw things playing out.

I talked to my online partner and expressed my concerns. We both agreed that this wasn't going to move to RL from the beginning, and I was fine with that...or at least I thought I was. Now, I don't think it's possible to have that kind of connection or form a special bond with someone, especially with the D/s dynamic, and NOT want it to be real. At least not for me. This was my first online relationship so I didn't know...I just didn't know anything. It started out with sending messages, then email...just getting to know each other. Then pictures were exchanged, adding more appeal. Then voice...my god, that made a big impact I didn't expect. And finally video, making it even more real! Daily rituals, gifts, tasks, sharing intimate details and an emotional connection, frequent contact...it all serves as the preliminary to 'more'...but there isn't more for us. So it's more of a torment...knowing it can't go on like that forever means there has to be an ending somewhere in there. I think the longer it goes on, the deeper the connection gets, and the harder you fall in the end. I don't want that...for me or for him.

We did decide that it was too special to just throw it all away because of fear or uncertainty, so we're going to keep in touch, check in with each other from time to time...maybe even have some online 'play' if we both want it...cuz he really is quite creative and talented. (I guess kinda an online friend with online benefits.) We'll see how that goes. Maybe we just moved too fast. Maybe the timing was off and things could change later. I don't know. I already miss what we had (and I'm actually crying now while I'm writing this) but I still think it's for the best.

Sure, we could have just let it all play out, but I think the monogamous part of me felt like it was unfair to hold onto something that you couldn't truly devote your whole self to. He's an amazing person, and an awesome Dom...I want him to find someone he can really share his life with.

In the future, I wouldnt rule out an online relationship but I would make sure it had the potential to lead to something in RL because I realized that's just how I'm built. But I also don't want to discourage others who feel differently. For those who have been following this thread and maybe looking for advice...everyone has to decide what works for them on their own. I will say that I don't regret a single minute of the time we shared, and I learned a lot.

 

[seela]

I will say that I don't regret a single minute of the time we shared, and I learned a lot.

I'm sorry you're hurting right now and hope you will feel better soon. The quote above is an amazing way to look at the situation.

 

[cookiecat]

*snip*

We did decide that it was too special to just throw it all away because of fear or uncertainty, so we're going to keep in touch, check in with each other from time to time...

*snip*

I will say that I don't regret a single minute of the time we shared, and I learned a lot.

What a thoughtful process you've gone through. Thanks for sharing it here.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]