Silly question perhaps

[southern_gal]

I am wondering how do you cyber and not start to have some kind of feelings toward that person? Please understand that I am NOT passing judgement or even trying to say that I disapprove. I am just curious about how to draw that line and keep it merely a physically satisfying event and not one where emotions become involved.

 

[amofiga]

I am wondering how do you cyber and not start to have some kind of feelings toward that person? Please understand that I am NOT passing judgement or even trying to say that I disapprove. I am just curious about how to draw that line and keep it merely a physically satisfying event and not one where emotions become involved.

I think it's ok to have some level of feelings for someone that you either cyber with, have casual sex with, whatever as long as it's kept in perspective and not allowed to get in the way of either persons primary relationships. People have "fuck buddy" affairs and relationships and I'm NOT condoning them because if they get discovered, they can cause tremendous pain and problems. Trust me I know. However, if handled wisely and carefully and with realistic view of the relationship, they can work and can provide an outlet that may not be available with the primary relationship because of judgement, guilt, fear, etc. It's easy to cyber with someone that you have an anonymous relationship with because there is no "ownership" or assumed obligation between either party. It's flirting, dirty talking, discussion of your attiitudes and sexual preferences (even fetishes) that you might not feel comfortable to discuss with a significant other or spouse because of recrimination and judgement. In an ideal relationship, either party can feel free to discuss any issue, including sexual issues, without recrimination. How would your spouse feel if you told them that you masturbate fantasizing about your neighbor? Would they accept it objectively as a rearlistic sexual outlet or would they get bent out of shape? You could certainly discuss that with a cyber buddy or fuck buddy without getting your head chopped off? Ever want to try some watersports or swinging with your spouse? Lots of people do and they can discuss it without being made to feel like a pervert. Would your spouse tell you that you're a sick-o for suggesting it and give you the silent treatment for days? Your cyber buddy or fuck buddy wouldn't. In an ideal relationship, any topic is open and fair game and you should both feel comfortable with it. Unfortunately, I think that's only true in a minority of relationshipe. Most spouses like to think their partner isn't thinking about sex with somebody else although it's probably one of the most normal things human's think about.

Again, just to keep a lot of people here off my back, I'm NOT condoning any sort of outside relationship, and given my past history, that part of my life is over. However, given that they happen, keep them in their place and keep them within bounds and keep control of your emotions. There's no need to really get all mushy and lovey dovey with someone you have a cyber (or even real physical relationship) with. Keep it friendly, light, and erotic and keep the lovey dovey stuff at arms length. Basically you have to "compartmentalize" your life. There's this part of you and that part of you. There's the real life you and the fantasy/cyber side of you. They live in two different worlds. Yes you can be friends and even very good friends, but that's the extent of it. Just like you have people you work with, people you go to church with, people you play tennis with, and people you go to bed with. Each has a place and a set of boundaries but all can be friends. If you can't handle it, then absolutely don't even get started with it.

 

[southern_gal]

You made several good points. I don't know if I ever could cyber with anyone I am just interested in the whole concept and how and when the line is drawn.

 

[Ferreus]

You made several good points. I don't know if I ever could cyber with anyone I am just interested in the whole concept and how and when the line is drawn.

I think overall that is why often time people enjoy roleplaying, you are 'playing' characters and can enjoy such activities. Of course even with that there are pitfalls to consider.

It can be a dicey prospect depending on the situations of all parties involved.

 

[southern_gal]

I like the idea of roleplaying but just am not good at being creative quickly. I like the thought of trying new kinks at least in the fantasy realm before deciding if I want to take them into my real world if that makes sense. I just need to get better at getting thoughts into words.

 

[Ferreus]

I like the idea of roleplaying but just am not good at being creative quickly. I like the thought of trying new kinks at least in the fantasy realm before deciding if I want to take them into my real world if that makes sense. I just need to get better at getting thoughts into words.

That is the best route to go in my opinion. Plus, you are safe behind the screen and can pause anything that you may not enjoy, etc.

As far as role playing, the more you do it the better you'll get at it. I used to be mediocre, but over a few years I've gotten much better at it. The old saying does hold true, 'Practice makes perfect'.

 

[southern_gal]

*big heavy sigh complete with rolled eyes* after a few years? ugghh that does not instill a lot of hope for me.

 

[Eilan]

I think it just depends on how you're wired. Some people have a tough time separating sex (even cyber) and love. Others can separate sex and love more easily.

 

[Ferreus]

*big heavy sigh complete with rolled eyes* after a few years? ugghh that does not instill a lot of hope for me.

*grins mischievously* I am certain your skills are more than adequate and I am guessing you are a faster learner than I.

 

[southern_gal]

*grins mischievously* I am certain your skills are more than adequate and I am guessing you are a faster learner than I.

You've heard of the short bus? yeah I rode it.

 

[Ferreus]

You've heard of the short bus? yeah I rode it.

Bah, I do not believe that.

 

[southern_gal]

It's true. We were in a bit of a rural area and that's the only buses they used.

 

[Ferreus]

It's true. We were in a bit of a rural area and that's the only buses they used.

In that case, I believe you! You are plenty witty for roleplay that is for certain.

 

[LadyVer]

FWIW, I think not getting emotions involved is very hard, maybe impossible, more so probably for women. That's why I'm on an extended cyber sabatical...

 

[southern_gal]

FWIW, I think not getting emotions involved is very hard, maybe impossible, more so probably for women. That's why I'm on an extended cyber sabatical...

That is soooo unfair to all those that want to cyber with you LV. I think maybe what I want is just flirty and sometimes silly conversations that possibly have overtones and really never ever lead to anywhere. Is that odd? It is isn't it? I thought so. *slumps shoulders*

 

[southern_gal]

In that case, I believe you! You are plenty witty for roleplay that is for certain.

I have such fond memories of those days. I was always the one chosen to go out in the road and hold the stop sign. Never really figured out what that blind fold was for though.........

 

[Ferreus]

I have such fond memories of those days. I was always the one chosen to go out in the road and hold the stop sign. Never really figured out what that blind fold was for though.........

Hmmm, a blind fold huh?

 

[LadyVer]

That is soooo unfair to all those that want to cyber with you LV. I think maybe what I want is just flirty and sometimes silly conversations that possibly have overtones and really never ever lead to anywhere. Is that odd? It is isn't it? I thought so. *slumps shoulders*

I don't think there are that many standing in line to cyber with me. Maybe a couple. Anyway, what works for me, which is common on Lit, is just flirting and being silly, which doesn't lead anywhere. I'm just glad I don't have a cam. (I found that out a while back when I went to cam with a guy I really liked.) I was really embarrassed. I went to turn on my cam and it turned out to be a tiny pc lamp.

 

[L8tnIt]

I suggest taking a moment to first decide what you are trying to accomplish through online interaction. There is a huge difference between looking for intelligent conversation about curiousities and trying to articulate those same curiousities in the form of RP. When you know what you are trying to do, then proceed with discretion. Especially onlime, you cannot be to careful.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I am wondering how do you cyber and not start to have some kind of feelings toward that person? Please understand that I am NOT passing judgement or even trying to say that I disapprove. I am just curious about how to draw that line and keep it merely a physically satisfying event and not one where emotions become involved.

I'd find that quite difficult, so I avoid cybering with people in situations where that would be a problem.

 

[Killjoy24]

I really don't "cyber-sex" with anyone. I don't mind coming here to Talk about my sex life, get advise or sometimes give if it's requested. I can see though, as a newbie myself where there is a a certain amount of emotional crap. So I'm kinda stuck there too. Seems all I get are mostly (not all) creep guys wanting to come on their screens to get a pick of me or find out how they can pick-up their own sister. I never get girls who just want to talk. It does get depressing sometimes. I was cryin' earlier cause my o/l friend wouldn't answer me, that's when my man said - maybe, just maybe, she has a real life too sometimes! I had to laugh. I hope you do too.

 

[Paul_Chance]

The Best and Worst

I am not sure you can cyber without having some level of emotional attachment. I enjoy cyber-sex and I've had numerous partners over the years. The trick, to me, isn't in not feeling an emotional connection - but it is feeling an open and appropriate emotional connection.

The best cyber partners were those who were emotionally secure and mature, seeking sexual pleasure in the particular fetish that is cyber, and understanding it for what it is - a simple sexual variant. We formed associations of mutual pleasure, but, for the most part, they ended when the computer logged off.

The worst cyber partners were those who were emotionally immature and who were using the pursuit of sexual pleasure while seeking something else (a virtual relationship, an IRL relationship).

So, I think one of the first steps in finding out if cyber is your particular kink is to spend some honest time with yourself about what is it that you're seeking in the encounter. Because one of the things that you can be sure is going to be in any cyber play or cyber relationship is going to be what you bring into it. Honest, with self and others, is always the best practice.

As for developing the skillset for good cyber - don't be afraid to go into cyber with a thumbnail plot handy (i.e. "two strangers, meet at a bar in New Orleans, during a black out, end up in a second floor hotel room with a balcony over-looking the street, have sex on the balcony, in the darkness, just above the pedestrians below"). Then, share the scenario with your partner as you get started - and you'll quickly seperate the wheat from the chaff depending on whether or not they can follow the thumbnail plot and riff on it.

 

[LadyVer]

Although I agree with most of what Paul says I question the appropriateness of terms of maturity and immaturity. Everyone's maturity level is different no matter the area. And maybe I'm naive but I don't see that cybering is a fetish for everyone who cybers. There are a variety of reasons involved.

 

[mr_db]

Hmmm

I am wondering how do you cyber and not start to have some kind of feelings toward that person? Please understand that I am NOT passing judgement or even trying to say that I disapprove. I am just curious about how to draw that line and keep it merely a physically satisfying event and not one where emotions become involved.

I've been cybering my whole life...since like i was 13...never had any emotional attachment to any of my cyber mates...although it maybe because im a guy and i never shared any photos with them? Or maybe because I knew we were like thousands of miles apart...hmmm

 

[GrrlFriday]

It's ok to have some feelings, and to chit-chat. A mutual respect is always good, as is a healthy interest in your partner's pleasure. People who are fairly happy in their current situation are generally more fun to be with.

Be clear and honest about any 'policies' or hard limits that you set for yourself - I don't feel comfortable giving out photographs, which makes a lot of guys reject me, or I am asked to 'prove' my femininity. I also distance myself from any cyber partners physically - I don't pursue or encourage any men on my own continent. Having the tyranny and comfort of distance helps me treat it as more casual - it's not going to happen 'for real' anyway, so why not try to enjoy what I've got?

Don't beat yourself up if you start to feel like you're having too fond feelings, they do happen. Orgasms do flood your brain with lovey-dovey, obsessive and addictive chemicals. Just take a little time to reconnect yourself with your life, fantasise on your own for a time, and reassess what you want out of the cyber with this person.

It's not fool-proof, but I find these things help me.