Sexless Marriages

[lifeis2short2b]

214 posts in 7 years - - almost all lamenting a sexless marriage. When asked why they stay in a sexless marriage, the most common answer is: "I have too much to lose if I leave". A man has to ask himself - - which is more important, your physical possessions and wealth, or your happiness and self-worth? Is what you have really worth the misery?

Spoken like someone with nothing to lose. If your in a brand new marriage what the hell were you thinking ? Should of known before you took the plunge.
Most of the alleged sex deprived have been in marriages for many years and this " sexless" relationship didn't just happen overnight, numerous reasons why, you can still love someone even though your sex life is sub par. A divorce usually rips the whole family apart, and to many thats not worth it, emotionally, physically and financially
So its not as easy as just get a divorce. My question is are you not having sex or not making love ? There is a difference. Besides health reasons most people need to look in the mirror to solve this problem. Unless your just a horny bastard and this is an excuse to stray.

 

[boxman11]

214 posts in 7 years - - almost all lamenting a sexless marriage. When asked why they stay in a sexless marriage, the most common answer is: "I have too much to lose if I leave". A man has to ask himself - - which is more important, your physical possessions and wealth, or your happiness and self-worth? Is what you have really worth the misery?

For most of us, there's a lot more in the picture than just the bedroom. Do I miss it yes, but when you look at everything, we have built together the family and life after 43 years, I can live in a sexless marriage.

 

[13Fantasies]

I so wish my husband could see this thread without knowing I am here, lol. He thinks we are the only couple in the world that doesn't have sex 2-3 times a week even though I showed him my group chat with friends about their sex lives. We have sex every 7-21 days. The only time that has been longer is when I have had a surgery where I am told no sex for 4-6 weeks.

Context: I had weight loss surgery which completely screwed up my hormones. I was a kinky, sex-all-the-time kind of gal when we met, and pretty much have been that way since I was 16. I have wanted sex most days, sometimes multiple times a day. But hormones.. they kill your sex drive if they get out of whack. I am fixing them. I feel more aroused the past few weeks than I have in months, BUT he is a fucking dick about it at times, which mentally shuts me off and men should know, the way to a woman's sex drive is her mind. (Not all- some women just don't want sex or won't get their hormones checked, or use sex as a weapon). I miss desiring having sex, but when you just have sex to avoid verbal and mental abuse, it really takes the appeal away.

From a female's point of view who has been on the other side (ex husband lost his sex drive due to low T, and it was a struggle, but I never held it against him or belittled him for it), if her issues are hormones, I do recommend hormone replacement therapy if you can afford it. It has helped, and I am sure most men on here are mostly kind, loving husbands, just upset their intimate lives have gone stale. I am sorry if sex is gone because she uses it as a weapon, but if it is health or hormone related, and you are compassionate about it, there is hope it will get better. Just my 2 cents having experienced both ends of the spectrum of sexless marriage.

I know that was part of my downfall. I wasn't listening as I should have been soon enough

However, I did hear it one day and started working extra hard to make sure I didn't do that again.

That was 8+ years ago. And im still paying for the original mistake because she won't look past that offense. There should be recognition of the work and progress, not constant reminders of the man I was nearly a decade ago.

Additionally, I agree on hormones. However, finding a doctor to talk that directly to her about it is impossible

 

[beachlights44]

Spoken like someone with nothing to lose. If your in a brand new marriage what the hell were you thinking ? Should of known before you took the plunge.
Most of the alleged sex deprived have been in marriages for many years and this " sexless" relationship didn't just happen overnight, numerous reasons why, you can still love someone even though your sex life is sub par. A divorce usually rips the whole family apart, and to many thats not worth it, emotionally, physically and financially
So its not as easy as just get a divorce. My question is are you not having sex or not making love ? There is a difference. Besides health reasons most people need to look in the mirror to solve this problem. Unless you’re just a horny bastard and this is an excuse to stray.

Very well said, if it was that easy there wouldn’t be all those posts over the years.

 

[curvyjae]

I know that was part of my downfall. I wasn't listening as I should have been soon enough

However, I did hear it one day and started working extra hard to make sure I didn't do that again.

That was 8+ years ago. And im still paying for the original mistake because she won't look past that offense. There should be recognition of the work and progress, not constant reminders of the man I was nearly a decade ago.

Additionally, I agree on hormones. However, finding a doctor to talk that directly to her about it is impossible

I’m fortunate to have a specialist that ensures my hormone levels are closely monitored.

Sometimes damage is done and it’s hard to move past it but if it’s been a decade, that definitely is past the time of it being an issue. My issue is he “changes” for a week or two, sometimes up to a month, then does the same things again, so it’s hard to forget and move past.

Hang in there. It’ll either get better or you’ll find away to find happiness.

 

[13Fantasies]

I’m fortunate to have a specialist that ensures my hormone levels are closely monitored.

Sometimes damage is done and it’s hard to move past it but if it’s been a decade, that definitely is past the time of it being an issue. My issue is he “changes” for a week or two, sometimes up to a month, then does the same things again, so it’s hard to forget and move past.

Hang in there. It’ll either get better or you’ll find away to find happiness.

Im working on it. That was my goal this year.

 

[Trash_Panda_1994]

I think my problem is that he does want sex with me sometimes but I don't. At least not with him.

For the vast majority of our marriage I've had to fake it and that just gets so damn old so quickly. Honestly the problem might just be me, he seemed to get the gf he had for while off with no problems.

No amount of guidance or help could get this man to get me off. So I stopped coming onto him.

 

[Mezoolandet]

I so wish my husband could see this thread without knowing I am here, lol. He thinks we are the only couple in the world that doesn't have sex 2-3 times a week even though I showed him my group chat with friends about their sex lives. We have sex every 7-21 days. The only time that has been longer is when I have had a surgery where I am told no sex for 4-6 weeks.

Context: I had weight loss surgery which completely screwed up my hormones. I was a kinky, sex-all-the-time kind of gal when we met, and pretty much have been that way since I was 16. I have wanted sex most days, sometimes multiple times a day. But hormones.. they kill your sex drive if they get out of whack. I am fixing them. I feel more aroused the past few weeks than I have in months, BUT he is a fucking dick about it at times, which mentally shuts me off and men should know, the way to a woman's sex drive is her mind. (Not all- some women just don't want sex or won't get their hormones checked, or use sex as a weapon). I miss desiring having sex, but when you just have sex to avoid verbal and mental abuse, it really takes the appeal away.

From a female's point of view who has been on the other side (ex husband lost his sex drive due to low T, and it was a struggle, but I never held it against him or belittled him for it), if her issues are hormones, I do recommend hormone replacement therapy if you can afford it. It has helped, and I am sure most men on here are mostly kind, loving husbands, just upset their intimate lives have gone stale. I am sorry if sex is gone because she uses it as a weapon, but if it is health or hormone related, and you are compassionate about it, there is hope it will get better. Just my 2 cents having experienced both ends of the spectrum of sexless marriage.

Yeah, well, she has no desire to even look at any potential things that could help. So, I don't agree with everything you say, as she has pointed out, she does not need sex anymore, she says she is fine not having any desire any longer. Like you, she was basically a freak in bed pretty much every day, then bam, nope, no desire anymore. So she has decided I don't get any affection ever again unless I leave, because deal with it or leave. This is on her, not me. Oh, and I gave up asking if she would discuss it with her doctor. Basically torture at this point.

 

[curvyjae]

Yeah, well, she has no desire to even look at any potential things that could help. So, I don't agree with everything you say, as she has pointed out, she does not need sex anymore, she says she is fine not having any desire any longer. Like you, she was basically a freak in bed pretty much every day, then bam, nope, no desire anymore. So she has decided I don't get any affection ever again unless I leave, because deal with it or leave. This is on her, not me. Oh, and I gave up asking if she would discuss it with her doctor. Basically torture at this point.

That’s very unfortunate. But that’s when you decide whether that’s the life you want or not. I had to make that decision with my last husband. We had nothing in common but got along great. He had a significantly lower sex drive than I did. It seriously would not hurt my feelings at all if my husband told me I wasn’t meeting his needs and he needed someone who loved sports more and needed more sex and affection than I do. Everyone has needs. If they’re repeatedly not being met, consideration has to be given to an alternative life.

 

[Mtnmike]

Well, nine months now. Absolutely no intimacy at all. So frustrating. Does anyone else feel just tremendous frustration?

Every day, coming up on 17 year's and no end in sight

 

[Spongo]

We should help each other out…

 

[Volk359]

Well, nine months now. Absolutely no intimacy at all. So frustrating. Does anyone else feel just tremendous frustration?

Very much so. I wish I could find someone in a similar situation. Someone not looking to date or be emotionally involved, just to occasionally have sex, to be physically intimate with.

 

[CuriousCat89]

I do recommend hormone replacement therapy if you can afford it. It has helped, and I am sure most men on here are mostly kind, loving husbands, just upset their intimate lives have gone stale.

Not every woman is a candidate for HRT and HRT doesn’t always fix low libido.

 

[Mtnmike]

Not every woman is a candidate for HRT and HRT doesn’t always fix low libido.

I understand that but do you think she should at least check into HRT? Asking because she wouldn't even consider it or talk to the Dr.

 

[ShyestCougar]

A man has to ask himself - - which is more important, your physical possessions and wealth, or your happiness and self-worth? Is what you have really worth the misery?

I find it interesting that your advice is only to men, as if women don’t find themselves with the same problem. I’m having the highest libido of my life while my husband has ED and nothing works to fix it. He is a sweet man and I love him dearly so even though I have needs that are not being met, Im not going to kick him to the curb. We have been married for 40 years and have too much invested in one another and this close to retirement neither one of us needs to lose the house and all of the wealth we built up together. There are more important things than sex and I see a lot of shallowness and misogyny in your response.

 

[Olderwiserstillhorny]

Sometimes it medical issues on her part that can't be overcome.
Agai this cancer shit sucks.

 

[curioustxn]

I find it interesting that your advice is only to men, as if women don’t find themselves with the same problem. I’m having the highest libido of my life while my husband has ED and nothing works to fix it. He is a sweet man and I love him dearly so even though I have needs that are not being met, Im not going to kick him to the curb. We have been married for 40 years and have too much invested in one another and this close to retirement neither one of us needs to lose the house and all of the wealth we built up together. There are more important things than sex and I see a lot of shallowness and misogyny in your response.

My advice is still valid, even for a woman. Apparently, you have made your choice - - your marriage and financial position is more important than your sexual happiness. Perhaps if your husband loves you as much as you love him, then perhaps he should allow you, (with his blessing), to take a lover. That happens more often with men who suffer from ED than you might think.

As far as shallowness and misogyny in my response, people see what they want to see. It's just my opinion..............

Besides, if a man truly cares about his wife, there are other ways of satisfying her sexually than with an erection!

 

[CuriousCat89]

I understand that but do you think she should at least check into HRT? Asking because she wouldn't even consider it or talk to the Dr.

I don't know your wife, or her age. There are justified medical reasons to go on HRT, but it's probably now being over prescribed because everyone thinks it will fix everything. If she won't talk to her doctor about it, what are you gonna do? There are other health considerations like cardiovascular disease, that might make it a worthwhile discussion with her doctor. But, it also comes with other risks like cancer and blood clots. Everyone is different, but it's not the magic pill social media is marketing it as.

 

[Mtnmike]

I don't know your wife, or her age. There are justified medical reasons to go on HRT, but it's probably now being over prescribed because everyone thinks it will fix everything. If she won't talk to her doctor about it, what are you gonna do? There are other health considerations like cardiovascular disease, that might make it a worthwhile discussion with her doctor. But, it also comes with other risks like cancer and blood clots. Everyone is different, but it's not the magic pill social media is marketing it as.

I appreciate your honesty, yes we are older now and she does have some health issues now but when she decided to stop any kind of intimacy and sex she was healthy and even with me asking her to talk with our Dr she would not. She would say it's just part of life, getting older and I should just get over it.
I understand that it doesn't work for every woman I have friends that have tried different treatments some worked and some did not, I wasn't going into it blind. Her being in the medical field was kind of a shock for me seeing how she knew all the information about the treatments but maybe that's why she wouldn't idk she just quit discussing it all together.
After a few year's I came to accept she was not going to change her mind and quit bringing it up, we have been together for a long time and are what I consider best friends just without the intimacy. Every couple is different and have to decide for themselves what they want, what I share here is just my opinion and would never tell anybody what they should do.

 

[Live4themoments]

Not every woman is a candidate for HRT and HRT doesn’t always fix low libido.

Unfortunately like many other drugs, there can be unwanted side effects. Each woman is different of course. I wonder how easily it would be to suggest to the wife to try it, when some think there is no problem, and they don't need sexual desires to make them feel better? Just wondering.....

 

[CuriousCat89]

After a few year's I came to accept she was not going to change her mind and quit bringing it up, we have been together for a long time and are what I consider best friends just without the intimacy. Every couple is different and have to decide for themselves what they want, what I share here is just my opinion and would never tell anybody what they should do.

I think this is fair. It’s entirely possible she is asexual. It’s also entirely possible she thinks you bringing it up is shaming her, in a way, for not wanting it. I think people should approach HRT for more reasons than libido. There are libido meds for women but most doctors don’t know about them.
If you’re happy in most areas, there are other outlets for the sex. Most people can’t stand each other eventually and that’s the bigger hurdle. Best friends is what matters when you’re both in diapers. Or have a terminal illness. And raising a family is an achievement. There are so many other intimacies than penetrative.

 

[CuriousCat89]

Unfortunately like many other drugs, there can be unwanted side effects. Each woman is different of course. I wonder how easily it would be to suggest to the wife to try it, when some think there is no problem, and they don't need sexual desires to make them feel better? Just wondering.....

If my husband told me to try HRT for my libido I’d never try it. Women don’t really need sex. Many women are happy to eliminate the pressure to have sex as they get older. HRT has other benefits like bone health and CV health. Metabolic health like cholesterol and blood sugar. ‘I keep seeing articles about how many more women are trying HRT for their heart and bone health - have you ever considered it?’ Would be a much better approach.

 

[Mtnmike]

I think this is fair. It’s entirely possible she is asexual. It’s also entirely possible she thinks you bringing it up is shaming her, in a way, for not wanting it. I think people should approach HRT for more reasons than libido. There are libido meds for women but most doctors don’t know about them.
If you’re happy in most areas, there are other outlets for the sex. Most people can’t stand each other eventually and that’s the bigger hurdle. Best friends is what matters when you’re both in diapers. Or have a terminal illness. And raising a family is an achievement. There are so many other intimacies than penetrative.

You are correct just took me a while to understand what she was trying to tell me and yes she has admitted she is now A-sexual, doesn't think or want sex with anyone ever again.
Yes there are more other outlets for sex, I found I can live without the sex with her but I really miss the intimacy we once shared, the kisses, hugging, cuddles etc and yes we've discussed this but she doesn't think I could just stop at that, no matter how much I explained that's what I miss the most. It is what it is and I live with it, my choice.

 

[CuriousCat89]

Yes there are more other outlets for sex, I found I can live without the sex with her but I really miss the intimacy we once shared, the kisses, hugging, cuddles etc and yes we've discussed this but she doesn't think I could just stop at that, no matter how much I explained that's what I miss the most. It is what it is and I live with it, my choice.

This is unfair of her. Sorry. You’ve stuck it out with nothing for this long, it shows you’ve made peace with the situation. She should be able to do that. That’s problematic, to me.

 

[Mtnmike]

This is unfair of her. Sorry. You’ve stuck it out with nothing for this long, it shows you’ve made peace with the situation. She should be able to do that. That’s problematic, to me.

Thanks for saying, everybody else just tells me I crazy.
I agree with you I think it's unfair of her to but it's not how her mind works.
Nice to hear someone else say they don't agree with her, means a lot thank you.