Sexless marriage

[BudgieSmuggler]

In my case communication has always been safe and wide open and demand free. My wife is fully aware of the problem but will not address the issue. We fit very well into one of the Gottman successful attachment styles for marriage - avoidant couple, but eventually ignoring the problems causes deep resentment even when the marriage lasts.

I have invoked marriage counseling a couple of times over the years to no effect. Notwithstanding the lack of sexual fulfillment we are however very good housemates and travel companions. BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH.

Any effort of even suggesting reading anything further about the causes and effects of the problems is rejected outright and she will not talk to a counselor or even any other impartial third party about it.

 

[Jusfukmenow69]

I feel for people..men and women in sexless marriages..must be frustrating x

my wife is going through some life changes and has health issues and has a stressful job I can't blame her for not wanting sex however if I'm honest it makes me feel like I'm just a bit of company and not really wanted or desired

 

[Mittering]

Interesting take, the wife is the one who needs to change. The couples back story was pretty thin on information for all we know HE is the one who needs to change, it's dickish to decide it's all the woman's fault.

I will invite you watch The Happy Wife School with Karen Seits on YouTube. You might find that what she talks about resonates with your own experiences and observations or even with what you've read online at sites or posts just like this one.
*Hint - My wife hates her. But she hasn't disagreed with her yet.

 

[Mittering]

Man...

Having a different level of interest in sex is one thing. And it's hard enough.

But if she's going to belittle you about it... what in the world keeps you together? I'd be out. Nothing calls for that kind of treatment.

It's called emasculation. It's willful. It's designed to take away your desires and/or needs in any situation, not just sex. It's a form of bullying. Let that sink in. That's who you married.

Good men don't rock the boat because they are good men, for all kinds of reasons. It's what makes you susceptible to emasculation.

 

[Britva415]

It's called emasculation. It's willful. It's designed to take away your desires and/or needs in any situation, not just sex. It's a form of bullying. Let that sink in. That's who you married.

Good men don't rock the boat because they are good men, for all kinds of reasons. It's what makes you susceptible to emasculation.

For real. Only - that wouldn’t be me rocking the boat, that would he her rocking the boat. Me, I’d just fish myself out of that water and let her fend for herself.

Not that she does. I don’t have this kind of abusive spouse.

 

[Mittering]

For real. Only - that wouldn’t be me rocking the boat, that would he her rocking the boat. Me, I’d just fish myself out of that water and let her fend for herself.

Not that she does. I don’t have this kind of abusive spouse.

And that is a perfectly valid reaction too. It's just that some people process failure with guilt. Therefore they need more reasoning to work through it.

 

[SmokingFap]

Frustrating is just the beginning of it. You find yourself thinking about sex often, then all the time. Next thing you start to crave it. Even just a kind word from someone drives you into thinking about sex with them!
And amongst all that frustration begins to eat away at you, destroying your confidence, making you feel undesired, unsexy, a reject.

Surely you aren't talking about yourself, Tess. I literally can't imagine that.

 

[ned63]

Frustrating is just the beginning of it. You find yourself thinking about sex often, then all the time. Next thing you start to crave it. Even just a kind word from someone drives you into thinking about sex with them!
And amongst all that frustration begins to eat away at you, destroying your confidence, making you feel undesired, unsexy, a reject.

I will try and be your friend an talk and see if I can help make you feel better about yourself. Lets talk a see what developes mmmm

 

[lucy_anne21]

I meet quite a few married men when I’m out and about, particularly in nightclubs. They’re easy to spot, but it doesn’t bother me, my intentions are to have fun, not break up relationships. However it puzzles me how many of them claim to be in a sexless marriage, particularly if they realise that I’m interested in them.

Lucy.

 

[RachelWalsh]

Not loving it

 

[Dadoftwo87]

Hello all! First of all I'd like to stipulate that a marriage being without sex doesn't necessarily mean it is without love. I have been reading this thread and it does feel as some sort of therapy, because of the many positive people. Too often I have heard that it's just a communication problem and not to bitch about it and just talk to my wife... well thank you, that thought never occurred to me

circumstances involving child birth, work ambitions and to be sure: a difference in sex drive that has always existed, has led my marriage to where it stands now. I love her, we have two healthy kids, I wouldnt endanger all that for the world.... but there is no sex, and there is no way to broach the topic, as she shuts down as soon as we only come close to discussing it... there is only so many times you can see the hurt in your wife's eyes without getting anywhere before you decide to enjoy the good things in your marriage and just let it go... I am thankful for this website though, very thankful.

 

[maveric74]

Hello all! First of all I'd like to stipulate that a marriage being without sex doesn't necessarily mean it is without love. I have been reading this thread and it does feel as some sort of therapy, because of the many positive people. Too often I have heard that it's just a communication problem and not to bitch about it and just talk to my wife... well thank you, that thought never occurred to me

circumstances involving child birth, work ambitions and to be sure: a difference in sex drive that has always existed, has led my marriage to where it stands now. I love her, we have two healthy kids, I wouldnt endanger all that for the world.... but there is no sex, and there is no way to broach the topic, as she shuts down as soon as we only come close to discussing it... there is only so many times you can see the hurt in your wife's eyes without getting anywhere before you decide to enjoy the good things in your marriage and just let it go... I am thankful for this website though, very thankful.

Hey mate..thanks for sharing! It felt like I wrote this..lol. Married, 2 young kids, house, comfortable lifestyle but miserable in a sexless marriage. I'm sure she is too but given my wife's work commitments, health issues, sleeping in separate bedrooms for 2 plus years now, constant arguing (been to relationship counsellors plenty), I just don't see myself going back to any level of intimacy. I am focused on my kids who bring me immense joy, work, golf, gym and being house proud. We discuss separation but that would cripple us financially not to mention impact on young kids.
Which leaves me...nowhere. I am sad but put on a brave face every morning for my kids and do the very best I can. Some days are better, some days are ok and some days are horrible.
I've thought of affairs but between mutual friends, school kids parents circle, work mates, neighbours etc, just not going to happen. Besides which married/single woman would ever look at a married guy with 2 young kids in a sexual manner? Just not going to happen
Resigned to my fate currently unfortunately

 

[Tessinwales]

I will try and be your friend an talk and see if I can help make you feel better about yourself. Lets talk a see what developes mmmm

Thank you Ned, but I sorted things out foe myself, I'm over it. But again, thank you.

 

[Tessinwales]

Surely you aren't talking about yourself, Tess. I literally can't imagine that.

I was in a loveless and sexless marriage for a number of years. But mot any more. I'm free of it. I just wanted people to understand the hurt, the damage and he mental torture that frustration can bring.

 

[BusDee276]

Mine's sexless due to him being a construction worker and away with work an awful lot. He's currently on a project in Belgium

 

[Rodlicker57]

Sexless marriage can be tough. We have been married for 45 years. We have been together since we were 19 yo. I love my wife dearly and she is my best friend. However I constantly want to make love and she is good with every 2 or 4 weeks. When we make love it is great…..just not often enough for me. We are both 67 yo. I am as horny as I was at 16…..she could do without entirely. I know it is not comfortable for her….but she doesn’t want to admit that to me because she fears what I might do. She complains that I want it too much and claims I am being annoying. I told her not to worry that I will satisfy myself by jerking off…..a lot. I have become more interested in other people (particularly other men) in my same situation. I am becoming more and more Bi Curious. I find myself more interested in sex with men. What do I do and what should I do are a complete mind fuck.

 

[99Freedom]

Mine's sexless due to him being a construction worker and away with work an awful lot. He's currently on a project in Belgium

It would be hard to leave you

 

[Dadoftwo87]

Hey mate..thanks for sharing! It felt like I wrote this..lol. Married, 2 young kids, house, comfortable lifestyle but miserable in a sexless marriage. I'm sure she is too but given my wife's work commitments, health issues, sleeping in separate bedrooms for 2 plus years now, constant arguing (been to relationship counsellors plenty), I just don't see myself going back to any level of intimacy. I am focused on my kids who bring me immense joy, work, golf, gym and being house proud. We discuss separation but that would cripple us financially not to mention impact on young kids.
Which leaves me...nowhere. I am sad but put on a brave face every morning for my kids and do the very best I can. Some days are better, some days are ok and some days are horrible.
I've thought of affairs but between mutual friends, school kids parents circle, work mates, neighbours etc, just not going to happen. Besides which married/single woman would ever look at a married guy with 2 young kids in a sexual manner? Just not going to happen
Resigned to my fate currently unfortunately

thanks for reching out mate, I must admit that I am very glad my wife and I still share a bedroom, that allows at least for simple intimacy such as cuddling.
I like to think that having an affair must have been so much easier back before social media and smart phones... I admit I have conciddered it... but I tink it would cripple me with fear of being found out... a slip-up is so easily made in our hyperconnected world...
I wouldn't knock your chances though... as you can see I quite obviously flout the fact that I am a father with two young kids on here... and it doesn't seem to have impacted the attention ladies on lit pay to me

 

[Dadoftwo87]

Mine's sexless due to him being a construction worker and away with work an awful lot. He's currently on a project in Belgium

one would hope though, that this might mean that the sex, when he gets home, is epic

 

[BusDee276]

one would hope though, that this might mean that the sex, when he gets home, is epic

We certainly do make up for it!!!!

 

[Hawktalon]

I was married 20 yrs. Sex started slowin down durnin the marriage. About yr 15, it went to nothin. Kept gettin, not in the mood or some other bs excuse. At yr 20, she hit me with divorce.
After the seperation, she goes out and gets a couple toys, always usin them. It was never about not wanting it, it was she just lost interest in me and our marriage. She wasnt "happy."
I seen the writing on the wall, but my love for her kept denying it. She quit communicating with me. Refused to ever talk about our marriage problems. She gave up while i kept fighting. Eventually, i gave up. I had to.
So now, im divorced and single, and my sex life aint any different. So there is that lol

 

[pleasedoit4me]

I feel for people..men and women in sexless marriages..must be frustrating x

Thank you.....I can attest that it is no fun. We have not been intimate in over a year. All I have is myself

 

[Dudeqwe]

I was in a loveless and sexless marriage for a number of years. But mot any more. I'm free of it. I just wanted people to understand the hurt, the damage and he mental torture that frustration can bring.

Glad you’re in a better place!

 

[ned63]

Mine's sexless due to him being a construction worker and away with work an awful lot. He's currently on a project in Belgium

If only I was your neighbor. Id love to come next door an have a wonderful time with you mmmmm

 

[mr_rippley]

Sexless marriage for over 18 years. I'd like to say I've gotten used to it. My imagination is all I have, I suppose.