Questions to a Domme

[Ebonyfire]

Differences...Elaboration

1. I do not live with my submissive. So I do not concern myself with his behavior out of my sight. When he is with me, I do concern myself with his behaviour.

2. I control the encounters, it takes a long time to get to know a sub, and so I know what makes him tick.

3. His satisfaction is secondary to mine. He knows it. If he did not like it, he would be with another Domme. He knows the way to the door. No one is forcing him. He gave me to power to treat him this way. You might say, he craves it He is not in control, I am.

4. Our relationship is built on a verbal contract, that is renewed with with a frequency that would surprise you. It is flexible and evolves over time.

5. He is capable of getting sex from any number of nubile young women, but what I give him is a lot rarer.

There are very few Dommes out in the world, and African-American Dommes are even more rare. He knows he is lucky. I chose him I over 4 others, who had went through the same process he did. He knows his worth to Me.

Ebony

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Not all about sex for Me..

PBW wrote:


"I was given a small set of facts in your post. Those were bascially, no sex, he cleans and gives you a pedicure (or whatever you want), you fulfill your sexual urges elsewhere,"

What I said was that my sexual relationship(s)s were outside of this D/s relationship; AND SO ARE HIS...


"You don't concern yourself with what he does, and you reserve your right to change at anytime."

Did you ever think that some submissives crave that sort of relationship? You may not understand it, but let me tell you there are lots of males who line up to do my toenails and wash my dishes! There are houseboy or sissy maid subs who only do housework.

Not all subs desire or require sexual activity. It is the strong desire to serve a dominant woman, to be used for her benefit, that drives them.

 

[P. B. Walker]

Ebonyfire,

Thank you for the elaboration. It was enlightening and informative.

- PBW

 

[Ebonyfire]

Ebonyfire,

Thank you for the elaboration. It was enlightening and informative.

- PBW

You are welcome! If you have any other specific questions, ask away! There are so many directions to go in in D/s. I am constantly amazed at the range of relationship types.

Ebony

 

[badmatt]

you know

I just have to agree with Ebony's last post. The range of relationships you'll find in D/s is astounding.

I mean hell, I learned to be a Dom from a very experienced sub. Granted, My 'style' or whatever you'd like to call it has evolved significantly in the years since those early lessons, but it just goes to show how varied experiences can be.

Another example I'd give, a girl I'd known for a long time, asked Me one night about some of the women I'd dated, and why I picked women who were, as she put it "SOOOOOOOO submissive." After about two bottles of wine and several hours, I'd managed to explain a lot of My history in D/s. For the next year and a half, she was with me almost non stop outside work for me and school for her, training to be a good sub. But that's all it was a training period. I told her from the beginning, when she felt comfortable with her place as a sub, all she had to do was tell Me, and she was free to leave, or stay as she saw fit. In the end, she decided the two of us, should stay friends, and not take the relationship we had any further than one friend teaching another about something they both had an interest in.

In My opinion she had turned out to be one of the better submissives that I knew, but then again, I kind of molded her to be that way, having been the one in charge of her training. I was sorry that she left that part of My life, but to this day we still get together and talk.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: you know

Matt wrote:

"In My opinion she had turned out to be one of the better submissives that I knew, but then again, I kind of molded her to be that way, having been the one in charge of her training. I was sorry that she left that part of My life, but to this day we still get together and talk."

Thanks, Matt, you brought out more good points, thanks for sharing your past.

I moved to CT from WA state. I have a sub there who has not found another Mistress. Our relationship was really loose cause he lived over 300miles from me. I am still responsible for his welfare, because I pledged to do so. I try to help him clarify his needs so that he can look for another Domme. We still talk almost everyday, and he and I are good friends. he values my input into his life, and I value his friendship. We trust each other. I know that our D/s relationship is mostly responsible for that high level of trust.

Ebony

 

[Lance Hardrock]

Im at a learning point

I just want to thank everyone here for this thread. I'm so eager to learn about D/s that I scarf up every tidbit.
This is simply fascinating. I will say from all the tidbits I've gathered, there are many, many relationships and none is "better" than any other. It is what works for the people involved.

Again, thank you all.

 

[badmatt]

Lance

Those of us that are posting answers here are doing so to help. Whenever you have questions just hop on in and holler...well okay, don't holler. but go ahead and ask.

 

[artful]

Re: Im at a learning point

I just want to thank everyone here for this thread. I'm so eager to learn about D/s that I scarf up every tidbit.
This is simply fascinating. I will say from all the tidbits I've gathered, there are many, many relationships and none is "better" than any other. It is what works for the people involved.

Again, thank you all.

I can only add,...YES,...it is a MOST valuble thread.

On THIS thread the RW issues are dicussed with an apparent effort to explain the D/s lifestyle by the persons who live it,...to the people who want to learn MORE about the different interactions that are possible.

 

[GreenEyedGirl]

I have been curious about D/S relationships for awhile, but have had no one to ask questions to, so thanks for starting this thread! I am someone who works in an environment where I have to have very tight control over everything, and at first I thought that I would be a Dom for that reason, but my fantasies are always of releasing control and giving in to another.
Now, I am certainly not vanilla, but I am not exactly Rocky Road either. My tendancies towards D/S are sexual in nature, not servitude only. So...... where the heck do I start? In prior relationships I tried to initiate things, but either they freaked out (they thought that D/S meant they had to hurt me) or they were not into it. I am an avid reader and have read books (fiction and non), so I have a good starting base of info, but....

I have to laugh as I realize I have asked such a general and potentially unanswerable question. So maybe a better question is how did you start? What paths do I need to look for, and is there any advice you can give me on finding a Dom?

Thank you to any and all that answer!

 

[artful]

RESPONSE

I have been curious about D/S relationships for awhile, but have had no one to ask questions to, so thanks for starting this thread! I am someone who works in an environment where I have to have very tight control over everything, and at first I thought that I would be a Dom for that reason, but my fantasies are always of releasing control and giving in to another.
Now, I am certainly not vanilla, but I am not exactly Rocky Road either. My tendancies towards D/S are sexual in nature, not servitude only. So...... where the heck do I start? In prior relationships I tried to initiate things, but either they freaked out (they thought that D/S meant they had to hurt me) or they were not into it. I am an avid reader and have read books (fiction and non), so I have a good starting base of info, but....

I have to laugh as I realize I have asked such a general and potentially unanswerable question. So maybe a better question is how did you start? What paths do I need to look for, and is there any advice you can give me on finding a Dom?

Thank you to any and all that answer!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whether it be the Cyber World or the Real World,it requires you to expose YOUR needs and WANTS to SPECIFIC targets.It is a SCARY thing to do as a first time sub,but if you TRULY want to move forward with your goal of FINDING out,...then it
MUST be done.

A Dom is ATTRACTED to a sub by various things,but the underlying motivation for him to even consider a new sub would be for him to "KNOW" in his own mind that he is NEEDED by the sub.(If you can get what you NEED elsewhere,...he will probably pass
you up)

D/s relationships are TOTALLY irreverent to things such as class,money,material wealth,social status etc.A match is a match! YOUR match is waiting for you SOMEWHERE,but in order to find him,you must literally SUBMIT to this EXPOSURE and then pick your Dom at YOUR leisure.

Hope I have helped you,.......................Art

 

[GreenEyedGirl]

artful

thank you for your words, this is a scary endeavor, more so than "normal" dating issues. It is hard enough getting phone numbers, never mind adding, "by the way, how do you feel about domination and abject humiliation?" I know what I want and need, or at least I am pretty sure I do, it is just finding someone to help me achieve this AND feel safe. It is just so daunting to try to find a starting place. And I guess I am not sure if that begining should be in cyber or reality. I know that reality is my ultimate goal.



Damn! here I am an "adult" and I feel like a kid discovering her sexuality all over again! Knowing that my tastes run outside of the norm has always been an issue, how difficult has it been for others to step into this arena? I guess I have no idea how to approach this.

 

[Guest]

There is a "How to find a dominant" thread a couple threads down, GreenEyedGirl. It might help you.

 

[P. B. Walker]

Domme's: what flavor of submissive do you prefer? I know you like your men to be submissive, but physically how do you like them? Smaller, thinner, less masculine men? Or big broad and bulky manly-men? Or a delicate in between balance? What are you favorites?

PBW

 

[Ebonyfire]

Bump

Interesting and informative.

 

[kc_curious_sub]

New here....

Extremely new. LOL. And this is a bit terrifying for me. But I have recently stumbled onto the D/s lifestyle and find myself curious. I'd fall into the category of submissive.

I do hope that you'll forgive me if I repeat questions that may have been already posted, but I'm still trying to read up.

I guess my first and foremost question would be.....the relationship between Dom and sub....is calling the Dom 'master' really necessary? Or is that the more....hardcore (for lack of a better word, I apologize) people who use that term?

KC

 

[onceburned]

I am not a dom/me but this thread is very old so I am not sure if the people who started it are still here. So I will offer my comments.

The way you address your dom is really up to him (and you, too). There is no absolute way of doing anything in D/s (or BDSM if you prefer that phrase) - everything is negotiated between the individuals involved.

BTW, I think addressing dom/mes as 'Master' or 'Mistress' is often frowned upon, unless you two have already agreed to it.

 

[kc_curious_sub]

Thank you, and dom/me?

Thank you very much for responding. I had wondered about the master thing, and you know the best way to learn is to ask.

If I might ask another possibly stupid question...LOL ...when you said "dom/me" what does the 'me' stand for?

KC

 

[snowy ciara]

A female Dominant is frequently referred to as a Domme, and a male is a Dom. So, when you're referring to Dominant personalities in general and don't wish to exclude either gender, you can use Dom/me as a shorthand. It's kind of like when it was popular to use s/he for non gender exclusive pronouns.

Another convention you'll see around the Lit boards quite commonly is PYL or pyl. It means "Pick Your Label" for the Dominant or Top or Master or whatever, and pyl is the submissive, slave, bottom whatever. It came out of several, er, shall we say discussions about labels around here.

 

[kc_curious_sub]

Thank you kindly for the response. I'm beginning to wonder I'm going to have to make a little cheat sheet of all the different terms. LOL.

This is such a broad topic, that I'm unsure how or where to begin learning. It's just a little overwhelming, LOL.

KC

 

[onceburned]

This is such a broad topic, that I'm unsure how or where to begin learning. It's just a little overwhelming, LOL.

Yes, it is! But we all start from the same level of knowledge and gain it slowly.

You might be interested in taking a look at the WizDomme Newbie Pack. Its got a selection of articles which are nice for someone new to the scene.

 

[theMasterBaiter]

I have heard<can't remember where> that a sub should never fall in love with their Dom/me. How do you feel about this?

I can't imagine not loving my sub. ...or any sub I was with. Of course, I can fall in love in 10 seconds flat...

I am struggling with the idea of humiliation vs. being cared for. Have you ever dealt with a situation where the sub isn't able to handle humilitation psychologically? What happens when a sub breaks? Is she supposed to turn to her Dom?

"isn't able to handle" = "non-consent" = "stop word" = "full STOP"

I don't see that as "broken" but as "not who you are"... now and maybe never. Not that I know best for you, but I would question your relationship with this Dom.

 

[theMasterBaiter]

Often, the act of pleasing will fulfill the emotional needs of a sub, but the physical still needs to be dealt with.

I just felt like that deserved to be quoted and said again.

 

[theMasterBaiter]

where the heck do I start? In prior relationships I tried to initiate things, but either they freaked out (they thought that D/S meant they had to hurt me) or they were not into it. I am an avid reader and have read books (fiction and non), so I have a good starting base of info, but....

I always like the story of the kid who asks his dad how to get laid... The dad says "well, I just walk up to a girl and ask if she wants to fuck." and they kid gasps and says "don't you get slapped a lot?" and the dad says "sure.. but I also get laid a lot."

Now that is a crude and somewhat misleading story, but the part of it that is true is that in order to find something special, you have to do a lot of looking. Posting on this forum is a good advertizement, but you should have a complete profile and also use the chat room and maybe post some writings... be sure to leave people a way to contact you...

I have to laugh as I realize I have asked such a general and potentially unanswerable question. So maybe a better question is how did you start? What paths do I need to look for, and is there any advice you can give me on finding a Dom?

I met my wife at a company sponsored picnic. She was there with her husband who was a coworker of mine. I took one look and the first thing that popped in my head was "What the hell is she doing with HIM? " She was just so fine (in my eyes) and she had this attitude that was very... tough? in your face? no B/S? But in a polite and kind sort of way. And it was soooo obvious she didn't recognize his place as her husband, let alone her master.

We probably said 5 words total that day and I would not allow my self to call her or anything... but I couldn't forget her and her husband and I ended up working together. I was single and had invited a few friends from the office to a party / movie night sort of thing and he sort of invited himself (and her) along... or maybe I invited him and I just don't want to remember that. She and I ended up getting into a huge political argument but she didn't just blow up even after I talked her into a corner. It happened I was really well prepared for that subject. At the end of the argument, she politely conceeded and the look in her eyes... was just... intoxicating. She wanted someone to respect and at least in this little way, she respected me. God I get flushed just thinking abou it. But... I would not "steal" his wife so again, I ignored her... although it was killing me.

Finally after 6 months I called thier house... he wasn't home and she and I talked till 4am... she was obviously interested in me and wanted to be rid of him in the worst way... so I financed her devorce and took her in.

Our marrage has had its ups and downs, but one thing that has really been great is that she wants to be "won" to be "deserved" and I have been able to rise to the occasion almost all the time. I loved her because of that ability to gracefully conceed and that is ever-present in our sex life. When I decide that she will do something, I can see her question, examine the act, make sure it will not be too much or unacceptable for her, and then, demurly slip into sub space and accept my position as her Master.

I still don't know how I got this lucky.

Nor do I know what to tell you about "getting started" other than... meet a lot of people and dont be afraid to submit when the feeling is right.

 

[theMasterBaiter]

..is calling the Dom 'master' really necessary? Or is that the more....hardcore (for lack of a better word, I apologize) people who use that term?

I personally tend to use Master and slave, but my meaning of them is different that for most and I have to be careful lest I am misunderstood.

Master / slave is generally taken to mean a very hard core relationship where the Master is able to do anything and the slave has no choice, no safe word, no ability to leave.

Dom / sub is middle of the road. Safe words, consent, and the sub can leave.

Top / bottom implys an even more temporary relationships where the bottom could have even been the Top but was maybe not in the mode for that. This is usually applied to switches (people who are comfortable in either position)

For me: Master / slave is just more... old school? Romantic? Certainly more perminiant and stable. My slave is my wife and she has made a commitment to me. Although it doesn't imply it, as her Master, I have also committed to her. She often encourages me to treat her as fresh off the auction block or recently abducted. It is her (and my) FANTASY and ONLY that. We are playing at it. We do not in any way support real slavery, abductions or the selling or owning of humans. We do love to read those old stories of the young maden sold to the English Master who then wins his heart through her detrimined service and submission while, in turn, he teaches her respect, careing and love with a firm hand (and a hard crop... )

As others have said, the diversity found in BDSM is amazing... also amazing is the diversity in what meanings people abscribe to the words. And in my case, the diversity in the ways I can find to mis-spell words is also rather amazing. I do wish there was a spell checker in this thing...