Questions to a Domme

[Natalie Nessus]

I am, to a limited extent, quite serious. I am never light hearted when it comes to anytihng that can cause harm on this scale.

Now on the other hand, I am quite light hearted at times. I laugh at a great many things that people would not thing laughable. Including myself, who is as human and fallible as anyone else. Not to mention funny looking.

But never...ever...laugh at anything that could harm a loved one.

No my friend, you do not understand

Love is wonderful,yes?
We live for it and it takes over our minds and our lives.
There are those that are in control, so much perhaps they do not see others.
There are others that need control.
The two together are magic

 

[Hecate]

Bull whips and the like
I second totally what has been said about whips - and thanks Savant for those infos. It is good to actually have someone speak up and remind us that they are not toys for our pleasure but basically weapons. This was what I meant when I said "perfection" - for me I can wield such a weapon to perfection when I can judge and CONTROL the impact of what I am doing. Specially knowing about the damage that can be done with whips of that kind I would not play with them at this stage.

I adore though those "party tricks" some Dommes can do like flicking clothes pegs of a sub with a bull whip without even touching the "victim" - definitely cool and scary .. maybe some time ...

Just as we talk about it - pretty much the same goes for heavy floggers and the like. I think everyone can kinda judge a riding crop by "self test" so to speak - it is getting harder with a flogger and close to impossible with a bull whip or such!


Loving your sub and "breaking" them
GOD! of course I love my sub - this is what makes it so special - this is why I can do to her what I do - this is why I feel confident to know what she craves, what she needs and what does give her that particular little tingle that makes her submission to be a special gift.
Of course I can play with other people. But the best situation is to really truely know and care for each other.

Breaking a sub!? A scary thought!! I know there has been talk about "training" your sub, about moulding them to something different, new in a D/s relation. All of that may be true but I for one take it with a a "grain of salt" so to speak.
A D/s relation is still first a loving caring relation. Why on earth would I want to break the one I love? Why would I want to alter a personality that holds me captive in her own right? Enhance her, yes, grow with my sub, yes, giver her what she craves, yes.. but break her? Never!

A horror image to see in her eyes the trust disappear if I go to far - the hesitation when the next time I touch her - fear and reluctance to give me herself ... I hope to never see that on a submissives face ever! Submissives are often enough fragile and you actually have to pay special attention to not "break" them to become merely puppets on your strings (that kind of sub is not for me anyway) but just as many are in reality strong and self-assured people who make you that special particular gift of their body and if you are lucky their soul - something to be treassured and preserved, not broken.


humiliation
a wonderfull "trick" if you know your partner well enough to dose it appropriately. (again - too much is not a good idea of that one too) but it can spice up playing considerably, after all (and I have the feeling this is definitely a female Domination speciallity) we like to "mind-fuck", don't we?

 

[Savant73]

Indeed I do understand the premise Nessus. We are simply discussing 2 seperate topics. I will not debate, condemn, or judge how people live their lives, the relationship they have with their loved ones, or how they express that love. I'm not bringing that into the equation. As I said there is one here that knows how I am with my loved ones. she could tell you if I do or do not understand.

I was simply asked to speak up in regards to the physical implications and risks of using a weapon such as this (Bullwhip), in any manner that might affect another person.

If I have been of service, I'm glad for that. If you folks have any other questions regarding that particular topic, that I might answer...feel free to give me a yell.

-And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

 

[Natalie Nessus]

Savant

Thank you for your posts, you are kind and a gentle man I think.

I do not use whips or even think of using them, I do not need them, I have other mental tools.

My friend Hecate sums it up so well, it is a pity we are both Dommes

GOD! of course I love my sub - this is what makes it so special - this is why I can do to her what I do - this is why I feel confident to know what she craves, what she needs and what does give her that particular little tingle that makes her submission to be a special gift.
Of course I can play with other people. But the best situation is to really truely know and care for each other.

Breaking a sub!? A scary thought!! I know there has been talk about "training" your sub, about moulding them to something different, new in a D/s relation. All of that may be true but I for one take it with a a "grain of salt" so to speak.
A D/s relation is still first a loving caring relation. Why on earth would I want to break the one I love? Why would I want to alter a personality that holds me captive in her own right? Enhance her, yes, grow with my sub, yes, giver her what she craves, yes.. but break her? Never!

She has said it all so well

 

[artful]

The Truth

...being an experienced Dominate male for the opposite sex.I can only relate to my own passions. I speak for none other than myself.

The experience is richly rewarding to me in the pleasure I have in being in "CONTROL".There are many sides to many issues as regards to this TYPE of relationship,...no matter the gender.(male/male-male/female-female/female- female/male)

I myself only participate with those women who wish to have a DOMINATE man in their life.They crave it,they want it,...they NEED it.Their desire is to have SOMEONE who is WORTHY of their submission,control the relationship.The only FEAR I ever use,...is the fear of her losing THAT relationship with ME,...always being MORE than the fear she has of NOT wanting to do as I COMMAND.

Humiliation plays a large role in ascertaining the level of "CONTROL" I may have at any particular point in time.

I have found that the *DOMINATE* role is QUITE exhausting,...for to be able to handle the HUGE responsibility of directing the relationship, ...one should be FULLY prepared to sacrifice their OWN agenda in order to maintain that relationship successfully.

I have found also,...the labor of love,does indeed give forth rewards not to be found anywhere else.
To me,...it is the epitome of existence,the challenge is always there to do better.

The expressions of thankfulness that appear on my submissive partners face,as I offer her a piece of forbidden chocolate,are treasured as much as the similar expression displayed after she gains the orgasm that ONLY I can give her.

Though I do use props,they are ONLY used because she DESIRES them.It is not a requisite item for me.The reward/punishment is purely *EMOTIONAL*,and I manipulate her ONLY through satisfying the DESIRE of her mind.

 

[rexfelis]

A strong and skilled Dom/me would notice prior to their sub breaking and would not allow it to occur. A Master I speak with spent 6 months as a sub to learn the other side, she released him upon realizing that to continue would involve breaking him.

Dawn

Please explain what you mean when you say "breaking" someone? I have heard this terminology used to describe the "breaking" of a person's pride and bringing about humility, but how do you mean it here? Total emotional breakdown?

 

[cellis]

Did anyone else sort of vibrate in time with the beating of her heart when reading Savant73's words about whips?

Ahem.
Excuse me... just a subbie fantasy moment there... please continue...

LOL!! Oh yes cym!!!

 

[Ebonyfire]

Do you concern yourself with the level of pleasure the sub ultimately feels in sexual moments with you?

Sure I do. I make it my business to learn everything I can about my sub's sexual, and emotional responses, so I can use that information to please Me. Of course in my case it pleases Me to please them because it increases my pleasure to know I know more about his desires than he does himself. Now that is power!

BTW,

I am Domme to white male subs only. I do not dominate women at all. It is my preference, no judgment.

Ebony

 

[badmatt]

New to the thread

But not the lifestyle...willing to help where I can...

Saw the post about bullwhips...gave Myself too many scars tryin' to learn to use it right, wasn't willing to make anyone else go through it.

As for breaking subs with humiliation, to some of the Doms I've known who are much more into S/M than I am, the breaking is part of it. Something that both the Dom and the sub are working toward. For someone who doesn't think they can handle the humiliation, either through experience or just knowing themselves that well, I'd have to say, it's probably not a good idea to let it even get close to that. Could easily destroy a relationship.
And on the same note, I agree with GG, if a Dom is unsure of the sub's ability to take humiliation they will probably (I HOPE) notice that things are going badly long before the breaking point is reached.


oops...almost forgot to reply to the question about the pleasure of the sub...

Two schools of thought on this...
The pleasure is in the pleasing (subs get what they need from pleasing)
Pleasure is in being pleased.


Me personally, I always tend to the pleasure of My sub, I'm not one who can lightly deny it, unless, say I'm more prolonging it's buildup than denying it outright. Having learned to dominate from a female sub many many years ago, she taught Me the things that her previous Doms did not do. And the biggest problem for her was that they'd assumed (quite wrongly) that all subs get all necessary pleasure from pleasing their Doms. Often, the act of pleasing will fulfill the emotional needs of a sub, but the physical still needs to be dealt with.


Anyone have any other thoughts on what I've said?

 

[Ebonyfire]

My 2 cents

The range of D/s behaviour is such that there are hundreds of possibilities.

I do not have love relationships with my subs. That does not mena they are not care for, tha tjust means my romantic intentions are elsewhere. That is not unusual. It is a matter of preference.

I also train my subs. How will they learn what I want if I do not? They cannot read my mind. That does not mean they are molded into something else. Training just means they are taught to do their job. Their job is to serve Me.

Again, it is a matter of preference. It does not mean it is not a valid relationship. It is a different relationship.

Ebony.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Breaking a sub

Please explain what you mean when you say "breaking" someone? I have heard this terminology used to describe the "breaking" of a person's pride and bringing about humility, but how do you mean it here? Total emotional breakdown?

I do not want a sub that needs to be broken. That is why I take a progressive approach to choosing submissives. If a sub has to be "forced" or "broken", I do not want them. So I have a long and slow application porcess, to weed out the SAMs (smart-assed masochists).

I am not a sadist, and I do not enjoy inflicting pain. However, I can use erotic pain to enhance certain types of play like CBT and bondage that I do "just for fun."

Ebony

 

[Lance Hardrock]

Happy to find this

Ebony,
So nice to see that you are posting and taking questions. I have many as you know.

I'll be reading this thread frequently.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Happy to find this

Ebony,
So nice to see that you are posting and taking questions. I have many as you know.

I'll be reading this thread frequently.

I do not see many Dommes posting here, but I will continue to post. LOL

I can see that I have a different way of relating to my subs than some here. That is a good thing I think. It just shows that there is no one true way to D/s.

Ebony

 

[Lance Hardrock]

oops

Sorry, Ebony, I see that you didn't start this thread, but I'm happy that someone did. Some of us wannabe subs need some guidance.

 

[rexfelis]

And Smart Assed Massochists are people who act out in order to provoke the flogging they want? Are they usually submissives, or just playing at submission, or not subs at all?

 

[P. B. Walker]

Question

Hi all.

Nessus, thanks for starting this thread.

Okie, this is a question from someone who has never tried the submissive role but is interested in it. I believe I am a switch because both roles interest me. Anyway. How should a subbie that has never been in this lifestyle approach a Domme? How do you start such a relationship? Can you tell if a man is a submissive just from seeing him and speaking with him?

- PBW

 

[Frouwa_Aph]

Re: Re: Happy to find this

I do not see many Dommes posting here, but I will continue to post. LOL

I can see that I have a different way of relating to my subs than some here. That is a good thing I think. It just shows that there is no one true way to D/s.

Ebony

That's a very good thing, each sub is different and so is each Domme. I cherish diversity!
I agree with you, I don't want my subs broken, what's the point in creating a "door mat". Some "play" forcing is fine, when both of us know that it's just play for a specific scene, but having to force/break a sub each time I play with him, no way. Not my idea of fun, and aren't we talking about great and fullfilling sex (and more) here?
I've never played with a sub who has been broken before, but I guess he would have trouble with my kind of D/s. I guess that would become clear in the negotiation process.

Monika

 

[Frouwa_Aph]

Re: Question

Hi all.

Nessus, thanks for starting this thread.

Okie, this is a question from someone who has never tried the submissive role but is interested in it. I believe I am a switch because both roles interest me. Anyway. How should a subbie that has never been in this lifestyle approach a Domme? How do you start such a relationship? Can you tell if a man is a submissive just from seeing him and speaking with him?

- PBW

No you can't tell, if a man is submissive in a 'nilla environment. Most subs I know are excellent in hiding their nature. In a scene environment it's different of course, most subs indicate their submissiveness in their behavior and style of dress.
How to approach a Domme... well... talk to her, if you see one at a play party or a munch. Be honest about your experience.
I can speak only for myself, but I don't like it, if a sub calls me Mistress right away and drops to his knees. Just talk normaly like you would to any woman you don't know, but want to get to know. It depends a bit on the setting, in a more formal play party setting an occasional Ma'am is fine, but I've no problem, if a sub just calls me by my first name. In a scene... well... thing change then.
Are you familar with German? Perhaps you know that we have two modes of addressing a person, the formal "Sie" used with people you don't know and with other adults you have only a passing relationship or with collegues at work and somesuch. The other mode "Du" is used for friends, relatives and peers. Most subs approaching me start with "Sie" and when I'm interested I ask them to use "Du". </Language lesson>

I'd say starting a D/s relationship isn't that much different from starting a 'nilla relationship.

Monika

 

[Ebonyfire]

Not all about sex for Me..

Not all of my D/s are sexual oriented. What I mean is that sex is not the primary focus. Service is the primary goal. My current subbie and I do not have have intercourse. There are erotic/sexual elements, but sometimes al lhe does is clean my kitchen or give me a pedicure. It just depends on what I want.

My primary sexual relationships are elsewhere. And I do not concern myself with what he does out of my sight either.

Since I see myself as being polymoric, I do not have any problem separating areas of my life. Of course being the Domme I am, I reserve my right to change at any time!

Ebony

 

[Guest]

 

[P. B. Walker]

Re: Not all about sex for Me..

Not all of my D/s are sexual oriented. What I mean is that sex is not the primary focus. Service is the primary goal. My current subbie and I do not have have intercourse. There are erotic/sexual elements, but sometimes al lhe does is clean my kitchen or give me a pedicure. It just depends on what I want.

My primary sexual relationships are elsewhere. And I do not concern myself with what he does out of my sight either.

Since I see myself as being polymoric, I do not have any problem separating areas of my life. Of course being the Domme I am, I reserve my right to change at any time!

Ebony

Question boy is back... lol

Ebony, do you view that as a "relationship"? From what you just described it doesn't sound like a relationship at all. You don't seem to care for them, or whether or not their needs are met. Or do you use them and toss them aside when you are done? Or am I missing something? Please do not take offense as I am a newbie and I tend to ask alot of questions when I don't understand something. I would like to learn more about both roles (Dom/sub).

Thanks,

- PBW

 

[P. B. Walker]

MistressHoney

Thank you for your reply. That is very good advice. I'm still not sure which route I want to go, but I would at least like to dabble in both roles to see which is more comfortable and meets my needs/wants. I tend to agree with you about your statement about it being harder than finding a non-BDSM partner. And since I haven't had one of those in a long time... it's looking like I'm *WAY* behind on the curve here. LOL.

Anyhoo.. thanks again for your advice. I will definitely heed it.

- PBW

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Question

I can only give you my answers on a personal level. Here goes.


PBW wrote:

"How should a subbie that has never been in this lifestyle approach a Domme?"

It does not matte rto me if the male is new or and old hand subbie. All I require is politeness. If a male approaches me in a polite manner, I will talk to him. I do not ask to be call Mistress or Maam. It is fine with me if a potential sub calls me by name. I only require my property and those who are under my care to call me Mistress or Ma'am. I do not want any bowing, scraping or kneeling by men I do not know.


"How do you start such a relationship? "

I like to chat informally initially. It varies with the individual. If after a while we ahve a consensus that there may be a relationship worth persuing. I then give the potential sub a BDSM Checklist, and a reading list.

I use the Checklist and reading list as a basis of discussion. Over time we may talk on the phone, or even meet in person at a nautral location. This period could last as short as two weeks or as long as a year. It just depends. I do not rush the process. If I decide to take him on, I use a simple verbal contract witha very narrow scope of play and behaviour. It is still a trial period. The relationship slowly develops from there. I may do some training onlie or over the telephone, but these are exercises to reinforce the behaviour I require.


"Can you tell if a man is a submissive just from seeing him and speaking with him?"

I cannot. Maybe some can. As I (and others) have posted before,
submissive men tend to be very assertive, successful men in their vanilla lives. They are not wimps. submission is not a sign of weakness in men or women. My subs are very successful men. some of them are in positions of authority and responsibility. for example, I have a friend who is the Director of a Fortune 500 Corporation who is submissive. He is feared at work. But when he is with his Domme, he is an asslicking cum eating slut.

Ebony

 

[Ebonyfire]

Re: Re: Not all about sex for Me..

PBW wrote:


"Ebony, do you view that as a "relationship"?

Sure it is a relationship. Just because it is different than you may want, that does not make it less real.

"From what you just described it doesn't sound like a relationship at all. You don't seem to care for them, or whether or not their needs are met."

You are making a value judgment based on your assumptions of what D/s is.

D/s relationships are based on a power exchange. Not all power exchanges are based on sex. Some are based on the need to serve. It is the responsiblity of the dominant to know her sub and get to the root of that need.


"Or do you use them and toss them aside when you are done? "

Again, on what basis are you making this assumption? I am a lifestyle Domme. That means that my D/s relationships tend ot be long-term (on-going) ones.

"Or am I missing something?"

Yes, I would say you are missing something. You are missing the fact that the range of D/s is very large. And perhaps the fact that the relationship I have with my subs are different than your perception.

"Please do not take offense as I am a newbie and I tend to ask alot of questions when I don't understand something. I would like to learn more about both roles (Dom/sub)."

How else am I supposed to take it when you immediately jump to the negative? I do not se eyou jumping on the others on this thread in this negative fashion.

Ebony





Thanks,

- PBW [/B][/QUOTE]

 

[P. B. Walker]

Re: Re: Re: Not all about sex for Me..

Ebonyfire,

Thank you for your replies. The first was very informative (the one about how you find and choose your submissives).

Sure it is a relationship. Just because it is different than you may want, that does not make it less real.

...

You are making a value judgment based on your assumptions of what D/s is.

D/s relationships are based on a power exchange. Not all power exchanges are based on sex. Some are based on the need to serve. It is the responsiblity of the dominant to know her sub and get to the root of that need.

...

Again, on what basis are you making this assumption? I am a lifestyle Domme. That means that my D/s relationships tend ot be long-term (on-going) ones.

...

Yes, I would say you are missing something. You are missing the fact that the range of D/s is very large. And perhaps the fact that the relationship I have with my subs are different than your perception.

...

How else am I supposed to take it when you immediately jump to the negative? I do not se eyou jumping on the others on this thread in this negative fashion.

I apologize if there was an assumption in my question. It was meant solely to be a question with no judgement one way or the other. I should have worded it differently perhaps. Your answer however, has helped me understand.

I understand that D/S is very large, broad, and far reaching. And being a newbie I haven't seen the half of it. Which is also why I was asking a question about your particular way of domming. True, it may not be for me, but it's nice to understand it at the very least.

Again, I apologize if you felt I was being negative. I was given a small set of facts in your post. Those were bascially, no sex, he cleans and gives you a pedicure (or whatever you want), you fulfill your sexual urges elsewhere, you don't concern yourself with what he does, and you reserve your right to change at anytime. So, I think you can see why I was left confused and wondering. I was not attacking you or your lifestyle, but meerly wanting to know more about it.

Again, I apologize.

- PBW