Questions for Dominant Types...

[Reclusive]

My girlfriend fantasizes about me dominating her. Without going into too many details, life experiences have left me paralyzed, when it comes to domination. The roughest I can get with a woman - whether she wants more or not, - is to pin her against a surface (like a wall or bed, etc). Even then, I can't stop myself from asking if she's okay... and her fantasies go way beyond that. A friend of mine, who has experience with both dominant and submissive types, tells me that the best I can hope for is to learn how to dominate more. Apparently, I'm not the dominant type, and it's best for me to look for someone to fulfill her needs outside our relationship. Naturally, being new to all this, I have a variety of fears; most of which revolve around losing my girlfriend to somebody who isn't afraid to crack a whip, tie her up, or make demands. Short of bringing someone else into the relationship to dominate her, what else could I do?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

My girlfriend fantasizes about me dominating her. Without going into too many details, life experiences have left me paralyzed, when it comes to domination. The roughest I can get with a woman - whether she wants more or not, - is to pin her against a surface (like a wall or bed, etc). Even then, I can't stop myself from asking if she's okay... and her fantasies go way beyond that.

Good: You guys are communicating about her desires. And maybe you're communicating with her about your issues concerning fulfilling those desires. (?)

A friend of mine, who has experience with both dominant and submissive types, tells me that the best I can hope for is to learn how to dominate more.

Delete the friend. No one knows what the best you can hope for is. He is, however, correct in saying that you can - if you want to - learn to be more fulfilling of your girlfriend's needs/desires. I'll leave it to Stella to explain some of the finer points, but one way in which you could do that is to develop yourself as a Service Top. (Ohhh, Stellaaaa...) To give one way in which this would help you, a Service Top provides the experience the other person wants to have, by being directed or guided in (in this case) his actions so he knows that what he's doing is acceptable and desired. (Come on, Stella, bail my ass out here!)

Apparently, I'm not the dominant type, and it's best for me to look for someone to fulfill her needs outside our relationship. Naturally, being new to all this, I have a variety of fears; most of which revolve around losing my girlfriend to somebody who isn't afraid to crack a whip, tie her up, or make demands. Short of bringing someone else into the relationship to dominate her, what else could I do?

Looking "for someone to fulfill her needs outside [y]our relationship" is ONE way of getting it done; however, as you fear, that could lead to exactly the negative consequences you fear. "Short of bringing someone else into the relationship to dominate her," I suggest you begin a dialogue with Stella and some of the other bright people here - there are a lot of them, with lots and lots and LOTS of experience - on ideas that will help you meet your girlfriend's needs and not unduly traumatize you. You may find that doing a bit of service topping for her opens you up to more dominant thoughts and behavior, and may release you, at least partly, from the paralysis you mention in your first graf. Good luck!

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sir Winston, your wish is my command

As Sir Winston suggests, there are other ways to meet these desires.

For now, don't worry about DOMMMMMinating. Top her, instead-- as a service. As you learn what she wants, you can perform those services for her.

Give her a slap on the butt- listen to her purr. Give her a second, and so on.

Same with the tieing up. It doesn't have to be about force at all, bondage can be all about giving the bound one the thing they want-- whether they want to have something to fight against, or to be made into an object of beauty and worship.
Poke around the twoknottyboys for some insight.

One place where I would get very dominating right this minute is to tell her to fucking have some patience. If she wants what you can give her, she needs to pull on her big girl panties and work with you.

When she says you're not dominant enough, what she really means is you're not reading her mind. And it's true, you can't But you can learn to ask questions and listen to the answers, and ask more questions untill you and she have actually communicated.

If you want to play a scenario, you can tie her hands together, and pull the end of the rope under a chair which you are sitting in, so that she has to crouch before you. Order her to tell you exactly what her wicked little mind has dreamed up. React to even a mumbled answer, saying, "yes, and?" If she can't answer clearly, start pulling the rope tighter, which will start to drag her under the chair...

Ask me how I know this

ETA: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=824869

 

[J D Danger]

you can learn to dominate your girlfriend just by listening and talking to her and making adjustments...

I spend a great deal of my life in a wheelchair and I have had many of the same worries you seem to have..I am also an over thinker and a bit of an over talker..

asking her if she is ok is a good thing...clearly you care for her and want her safe...so to this end...sit down with her...talk over her wants and needs again...make sure the both of you talk about everything you can think of in that moment...

then come up with a safety word..a word she can say...whenever she is not ok....that way..she is safer and you do not have to worry and wonder if she is

the stop light method could also be useful here...


You say to her...hun are you ok?...if she says...green then all is good keep going...if she says yellow...go slowly and with caution and red means all stop talk things out

my opinion is ...you do not have to bring in an outside Dom and I would not...a Dom/sub relationship like any other is always growing..

no man knows how to Dom perfectly...we all learn grow and change...we Dom at our best when we find a sub that fits you have that

you love your girlfriend..you know her..now just explore this side of each other together

I have been exploring BDSM for over 10 years and just two years ago..I was reminded that you do not have to stand over someone to Dom them

if you can type(meaning if you can use your hands and of course your ears) you can Dom your girlfriend

I wish you well on your
journey

my mail is always open..please PM me if you have any questions or wish to talk

 

[JustaSCOUNDREL]

You have just received two damn fine pieces of advice on how to begin giving your SO what she wants and needs. I really like the green, yellow , red color system of checking on her.

If she wants to play with you she needs to understand you have your own needs and that includes your need to ensure you are hot taking her beyond where she wants to go. I suspect as you get to know her pain tolerance better you will have to check less often.

Quite honestly women are much better wired to handle pain than men are. Think about it a woman may complain about pain the first time a 1 1/2 wide cock enters her vagina yet 9 months later she passes the head of an infant with a head diameter of 6 inches. I don't mean to imply child birth is easy or painless yet women have been doing so for over thousands of years before were were any drugs. So they are wired differently than men.

Look I was raised, most likely , as you were. A man never hits a woman. She can do to you what ever she wants but you can never hit her. There are but in there momma and daddy never mentioned some women want and need to be hit. The pain inflicted on her needs to be in a very in a controlled way.

Enjoy that you have a very special young woman who cares for you and has entrusted you with her most secret needs. Respect her and her special needs. You are a lucky guy.

Mike

 

[Stella_Omega]

Come to think of it, if this helps-- I know that at times my skin starts to feel... kinda dead sometimes. Like the nerve endings close to the surface stop firing cleanly. I start to crave the sensation of touch- -but it have to activate deeper nerve endings, under my skin. So, to get that, I need a hitting sensation. it might look like abuse, but it's a pleasure.

Think of it as a deep massage that's been sexualised.

 

[subwannabe]

To me this is a black and white issue. If she is into submission and you are not into being a dom and you are worried about losing her if you bring someone else into the equation, your relationship is doomed - long term anyway. One of you is going to have to change and I don't see that happening. There is more than one fish in the sea - and that goes for the both of you.

 

[Netzach]

Depends what she wants.

If she wants some hard sensation, grit your teeth, bite your tongue and give it to her, AND make sure she does something that you like just because you love it, whether it's her favorite thing or not. 50/50.

If she wants you to manhandle her and take her because you WANT to, she can want that till the end of time. You can't make yourself be turned on by something that turns you off - you MAY be able to just get turned on by turning her on.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Trust me, if I get the notion that a lover wants me to WANT to manhandle and take them-- I have no problem wanting to do that.

 

[Netzach]

Trust me, if I get the notion that a lover wants me to WANT to manhandle and take them-- I have no problem wanting to do that.

Well, that's remarkably flexible, but I can tell you first hand that not everyone has this in their playbook or capabilities. If it's a dick wilt, it's a dick wilt, and there's not much to be done about it at the end of the day. BDSM was a dick wilt for my ex, whether I was on top, on bottom, in a box, wearing socks, or begging.

I could be with the nicest most stellar girl in the world and if she seriously expects me to start getting into her tickle fetish, it's not going to work out.

That's not to say it's impossible to meet one another halfway, if there's any type of a spark. Depends how much work you want to do, and depends how much you're satisfied by satisfying other people. I personally have my limits to how far that's ever going to get me.

 

[Stella_Omega]

by OP's account, there is a spark.

 

[Tomahawk26]

Well, that's remarkably flexible, but I can tell you first hand that not everyone has this in their playbook or capabilities. If it's a dick wilt, it's a dick wilt, and there's not much to be done about it at the end of the day. BDSM was a dick wilt for my ex, whether I was on top, on bottom, in a box, wearing socks, or begging.

Bahahahahahaha! That seriously killed me!

As for the OP, I think you've gotten many good suggestions here already. . . I apologize if I'm restating what someone else has already said, but you don't really mention if dominating your girlfriend turns you off, or if you're just afraid to do it. I know you've asked for help from those who identify as dominant, and I consider myself a sub, but my husband and I worked our way to that dynamic over time.

Have you ever watched any porn featuring any of the things she would like done to her? If it's not a turn-off to you but you're just psychosocially conditioned to feel that being rough with a woman is wrong, then it may take some baby steps to get to the point where you can provide what she's looking for, but it seems to me that it would be possible. I had a friend who wanted the same from her boyfriend, and they began with lighter things, like him lightly smacking her breasts and working on his verbal domination of her with demands for particular actions, what to wear, etc, and this worked really well for them. Once he saw how much she loved it, and that he wasn't "hurting" her, he was able to enjoy it and to get into more intense things with her.

I think sometimes from a place of inexperience with domination, it can look cold or unloving, but for my relationship, it can bring a level of connection, tenderness, and love within the intense roughness that I've not found outside of it.

 

[xssve]

Ah, wait till she punches you in the face a few times.


Then, get a different girl friend.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Raises hand. Can I say something. I always ask because I know I am a complete newb. But aren't there more ways to dominate than hitting? And he didn't exactly say that that was what his SO wanted. It might be what we inferred but he didn't quite state that. He talks of being rough. But perhaps she simply wants to be manhandled and controlled, not spanked, whipped or tied up. Or am I off base? Perhaps I did not read it properly.

Also, he said that his SO had fantasized. Speaking as someone who has fantasized a lot of things only to have the "Oh shit! This isn't what I thought it was going to be" moment happen, it occurs to me that perhaps he should concentrate more on a type of 'mental' (for lack of a better word) domination and worry less about how hard to engage in spanking or anything else.


Perhaps once he feels more in control of the situation he may feel better able to handle the other aspects.

Again just the thoughts of someone who is trying to figure it all out for herself so forgive if I misunderstood.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Raises hand. Can I say something. I always ask because I know I am a complete newb. But aren't there more ways to dominate than hitting? And he didn't exactly say that that was what his SO wanted. It might be what we inferred but he didn't quite state that. He talks of being rough. But perhaps she simply wants to be manhandled and controlled, not spanked, whipped or tied up. Or am I off base? Perhaps I did not read it properly.

Also, he said that his SO had fantasized. Speaking as someone who has fantasized a lot of things only to have the "Oh shit! This isn't what I thought it was going to be" moment happen, it occurs to me that perhaps he should concentrate more on a type of 'mental' (for lack of a better word) domination and worry less about how hard to engage in spanking or anything else.


Perhaps once he feels more in control of the situation he may feel better able to handle the other aspects.

Again just the thoughts of someone who is trying to figure it all out for herself so forgive if I misunderstood.

In fact, you have very valid points.

Thing is, the mental domination needs to manifest one way or another, and she's kind of specified what it is that she would read as dominant behavior. So, just like Ballet, we can, some of us, go through the motions for other reasons until it all clicks into place for us.

And there are plenty of other reasons to "act dominant. " or anyway, a couple of other reasons.

 

[xssve]

Raises hand. Can I say something. I always ask because I know I am a complete newb. But aren't there more ways to dominate than hitting? And he didn't exactly say that that was what his SO wanted. It might be what we inferred but he didn't quite state that. He talks of being rough. But perhaps she simply wants to be manhandled and controlled, not spanked, whipped or tied up. Or am I off base? Perhaps I did not read it properly.

Also, he said that his SO had fantasized. Speaking as someone who has fantasized a lot of things only to have the "Oh shit! This isn't what I thought it was going to be" moment happen, it occurs to me that perhaps he should concentrate more on a type of 'mental' (for lack of a better word) domination and worry less about how hard to engage in spanking or anything else.


Perhaps once he feels more in control of the situation he may feel better able to handle the other aspects.

Again just the thoughts of someone who is trying to figure it all out for herself so forgive if I misunderstood.

At the point I raised the issue no doubt.

Hard for you seasoned kinksters to appreciate perhaps, but vanilla sex is to say, stone age - no joke, which is why I don't proselytize. I don't want them fucking up a good thing.

If you are talking about pain sluttery, it does seem that the ratios of sadist to masochist are a bit skewed - I consider myself more of a... sybarite, but even I have become more sadistic over time.

So what is it with you crazy bitches anyway?

Otherwise, I neither have never read the op's fiction, so until she gives me a fucking link to her depraved fantasies of madness and wet sucking sounds, I too am clueless as to what she is on about.

S'why a I told her to talk to her man about it.

But yeah, the link, you know, for a more informed opinion...

 

[xssve]

Trust me, if I get the notion that a lover wants me to WANT to manhandle and take them-- I have no problem wanting to do that.

Take me baby!

 

[samanthaswitch]

My girlfriend fantasizes about me dominating her. Without going into too many details, life experiences have left me paralyzed, when it comes to domination. The roughest I can get with a woman - whether she wants more or not, - is to pin her against a surface (like a wall or bed, etc). Even then, I can't stop myself from asking if she's okay... and her fantasies go way beyond that. A friend of mine, who has experience with both dominant and submissive types, tells me that the best I can hope for is to learn how to dominate more. Apparently, I'm not the dominant type, and it's best for me to look for someone to fulfill her needs outside our relationship. Naturally, being new to all this, I have a variety of fears; most of which revolve around losing my girlfriend to somebody who isn't afraid to crack a whip, tie her up, or make demands. Short of bringing someone else into the relationship to dominate her, what else could I do?

The first thing is to find out what she considers you dominating her. There's a lot of different ways to do it some more extreme then others. ALso there's a ton of fun to be had without spanking, whiping, or even tying a person up. If it's a matter of taking control try her giving you the say in when, where and position for having sex. Instead of physical restraint you might consider ordered ones. Tell her she has to keep her arms and legs spread eagled and isn't allowed to move them. Dictate when and how she can masturbate. Theres dozens o things that can be Domination that she might enjoy and you might be comfortable with. Orgasm control (telling her when she can cum) can be a fun choice to or both parties. It all depends on what both you and she are comfortable with.