Puns

[EmpressJosephine]

https://78.media.tumblr.com/32177406ce98ff0a0a9afb90de11660c/tumblr_nqf02cBbvE1qft49to1_400.jpg

 

[mnbreastluver]

When a body goes missing it remains to be seen whether there are remains to be seen.

 

[done_got_old]

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.

 

[done_got_old]

Did you hear about the man who got killed by a bear? It was a grizzly death.

 

[mnbreastluver]

People say money doesn’t grow on trees, yet banks still have branches.

 

[done_got_old]

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Blowing and sucking can be antonyms as well as synonyms.

 

[done_got_old]

So my friends invited me to play "Name That Gregorian Tune," but I don't involve myself in games of chants.

 

[mnbreastluver]

The owner of Home Depot has hoes in different area codes...

 

[done_got_old]

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you’re wearing cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing.

 

[done_got_old]

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

 

[done_got_old]

I always prayed before my trigonometry tests. I was hoping for a sine from above.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Sleep is weird. At a basic level, we consciously know that we have to fall unconscious in order to retain consciousness for another conscious day.

 

[done_got_old]

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Cutting corners just makes more corners

 

[done_got_old]

I tinted my hair today. It was the highlight of my day.

 

[mnbreastluver]

The only real spicegirl was Ginger.

 

[done_got_old]

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

 

[done_got_old]

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“No, go right ahead.”

The man stands, clears his throat, and says “Plethora” and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “That means a lot”.

 

[mnbreastluver]

The opposite of a nightmare is a daystallion.

 

[done_got_old]

Old colanders never die, they just can't take the strain anymore.

 

[done_got_old]

A ghoul that dines on kangaroos is a hop goblin.

 

[Ask For More]

I baked some bread for a party. Everyone complimented me on it, and I always replied, "Thanks, I kneaded that."

 

[done_got_old]

Back in the days when the guillotine was first used, people wondered, is this what we may beheaded for in the future?