Polyamory

[BiBunny]

I'm just bored. Sorry, now I'm stalking the poly thread! This is so awkward.

Ah, well, you're cute. We'll keep you around!

tricksey logicses... have to watch 'em all the time

Tell me about it. No fun at all. *Shakes head*

 

[Homburg]

Geez, why can't they just make cards that say "I love you"? That'd be enough, wouldn't it? Damn card-marking people.

Too easy. Who would buy something simple? Oh, yeah, EVERY-DAMN-BODY. Stupid fru-fru overdone bullshit cards...

 

[_kiana_]

Valentine's is in...two weeks!!?? Holycrap, that tells ya how crazy life has been that I didn't realize that.

So, the first year I forget and don't think ahead is the first year I have two to get/do for!

Eep.


And it certainly doesn't help that Valentine's isn't big in NZ, which means there isn't much around to simply buy unless you want Easter stuff atm. Harrumph.

 

[EmpressFi]

Valentine's is in...two weeks!!?? Holycrap, that tells ya how crazy life has been that I didn't realize that.

So, the first year I forget and don't think ahead is the first year I have two to get/do for!

Eep.


And it certainly doesn't help that Valentine's isn't big in NZ, which means there isn't much around to simply buy unless you want Easter stuff atm. Harrumph.

Not only do I have to get two Valentine's day cards.. BUT

I get two Valentine's dinners..

Malin and I are celebrating either the weekend before or the day of.. and this his OSO and Master are coming in on the 15th to spend a 4 day weekend with us...

 

[Etoile]

I'm just not into it anymore. I'm not in love with C. anymore. So much has change in the four years e's been out of work. C. is so different now. Still a good friend, but I have no interest in a romantic relationship.

And yet I can't break it off, because my wife still loves him and likes to be with him. I feel like I'm being forced to be polyamorous now, and I really want to be monogamous with my wife. I'd never leave her, no matter what...not feeling poly anymore is not a reason I would break up with her. So instead I am just being patient and kind of faking it. I am hoping that one or both of them will change, either she will fall out of love with em, or e will get a job and be normal again, be somebody I can love again.

The triangle doesn't make me angry or sick or disgusted...it's just not what I want anymore. And I don't believe that what I want is important enough to cause a breakup.

I don't need to hear "get out of that situation" because that isn't an option I want, but other comments are welcome.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm just not into it anymore. I'm not in love with C. anymore. So much has change in the four years e's been out of work. C. is so different now. Still a good friend, but I have no interest in a romantic relationship.

And yet I can't break it off, because my wife still loves him and likes to be with him. I feel like I'm being forced to be polyamorous now, and I really want to be monogamous with my wife. I'd never leave her, no matter what...not feeling poly anymore is not a reason I would break up with her. So instead I am just being patient and kind of faking it. I am hoping that one or both of them will change, either she will fall out of love with em, or e will get a job and be normal again, be somebody I can love again.

The triangle doesn't make me angry or sick or disgusted...it's just not what I want anymore. And I don't believe that what I want is important enough to cause a breakup.

I don't need to hear "get out of that situation" because that isn't an option I want, but other comments are welcome.

Have you talked about it with your wife? I only ask because so often we do things because we think our SO wants it only to find out much later they were thinking the same. Even if she is still wanting to continue, is it vital you be part of it given you feel so strongly...it can be very damaging to you to continue. Hope you can find a happier medium soon.

Catalina

 

[_kiana_]

Not only do I have to get two Valentine's day cards.. BUT

I get two Valentine's dinners..

Malin and I are celebrating either the weekend before or the day of.. and this his OSO and Master are coming in on the 15th to spend a 4 day weekend with us...

That sounds awesome! Hope you have a great time

 

[nh23]

I'm just not into it anymore. I'm not in love with C. anymore. So much has change in the four years e's been out of work. C. is so different now. Still a good friend, but I have no interest in a romantic relationship.

And yet I can't break it off, because my wife still loves him and likes to be with him. I feel like I'm being forced to be polyamorous now, and I really want to be monogamous with my wife. I'd never leave her, no matter what...not feeling poly anymore is not a reason I would break up with her. So instead I am just being patient and kind of faking it. I am hoping that one or both of them will change, either she will fall out of love with em, or e will get a job and be normal again, be somebody I can love again.

The triangle doesn't make me angry or sick or disgusted...it's just not what I want anymore. And I don't believe that what I want is important enough to cause a breakup.

I don't need to hear "get out of that situation" because that isn't an option I want, but other comments are welcome.

Does you wife have any idea how all of this makes you feel? Is it something that you two talk about frequently. I mean you know I'm gonna say communication..lol. But, maybe she doesn't realize that this is sort of a negative thing for you right now.

 

[Etoile]

Does you wife have any idea how all of this makes you feel? Is it something that you two talk about frequently. I mean you know I'm gonna say communication..lol. But, maybe she doesn't realize that this is sort of a negative thing for you right now.

We've communicated about it, definitely. Her perspective, though, is that she gave up monogamy because I couldn't be happy without C. in my life. So it became a triangle, and now she loves em. But I don't anymore...and yet her feeling is "I fell in love with em because it would make you happy, now I love em and I can't change that." Yeah, I think she knows. I'm not 100% sure she knows the extent, but I've definitely communicated to her that I wish we could be monogamous again. She knows.

 

[alaskabibear]

We've communicated about it, definitely. Her perspective, though, is that she gave up monogamy because I couldn't be happy without C. in my life. So it became a triangle, and now she loves em. But I don't anymore...and yet her feeling is "I fell in love with em because it would make you happy, now I love em and I can't change that." Yeah, I think she knows. I'm not 100% sure she knows the extent, but I've definitely communicated to her that I wish we could be monogamous again. She knows.

This sound exactly along the lines of the conversations my wife and I are having. I would love to find another bi male that we both could fall in love with to join our marriage. She is not opposed to the concept, but her greatest fear is that she would in fact fall in love with him and that would definitely have an altering effect on our long standing relationship. She is afraid that it would change our dynamic in a bad way. I can see that she has a valid point. I guess what I have learned so far in reading about polyamorous relationships is that there is definitely more chance for problems simply because it's more complicated to manage more than two sets of emotions (and even two can be hard at times -lol). So, I suppose if "Mr.Right" happens to enter our lives we will give it a try - but if not, no sense in rocking the boat.

I appreciate this thread and the candid and experienced advice/stories of those who have walked this path.

 

[nh23]

We've communicated about it, definitely. Her perspective, though, is that she gave up monogamy because I couldn't be happy without C. in my life. So it became a triangle, and now she loves em. But I don't anymore...and yet her feeling is "I fell in love with em because it would make you happy, now I love em and I can't change that." Yeah, I think she knows. I'm not 100% sure she knows the extent, but I've definitely communicated to her that I wish we could be monogamous again. She knows.

What a tangled web our lives end up in sometimes huh? *sighs* I can understand the way that you're feeling. It's obvious how much you love your wife. I hope things get better for you Etoile. *hugs*

 

[BiaTcHiNFiRe]

I will quote here one post INSIDEYOURMIND made in another thread

If he wanted to experience gratification, be it sexual, or just the physical aspect of a relationship, how can you blame him?

Well, it seems I have changed my mind cuz I told my ex husband he can have sex with other women than me. I just told him I don't wanna know anything about it + I don't wanna hear he made some chick pregnant. He can have those 40 kilos girls he loves that much. I won't ever look like that.

You say how can I blame him? Well I think I can blame him, but I won't and I told him so. He can have what he want/who he want, he can have anything really I am easy, BUT I want my caring man and good dad for my kids. I will tolerate what he crave as long as he will treat me as his woman when he's with me. I don't need a man who would get all he needs elswhere and me use just for the cleaning LOL.

He can get HIS with other women if he want/needs too, but I want mine and I want it from HIM. I will comply if he needs sex with more women than me. It's not my thing at all, but I he can have it, I will shhh. I don't wanna see it, know about it and be part of it at all tho.

This is the last thing I am doing to keep him happy and satisfied, not much else I can do. Or it will work or fuck it LOL.

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

I will quote here one post INSIDEYOURMIND made in another thread

Originally Posted by INSIDEYOURMIND
If he wanted to experience gratification, be it sexual, or just the physical aspect of a relationship, how can you blame him?

You have taken my words out of context, I was speaking about a purely "online" relationship with someone that was having physical sex with her primary mate, and her "online" person wanted more.
I don't mind being quoted, as long as it is used properly.
When I was speaking of "how can you blame him" I was speaking about his physical needs.
It has nothing to do with Polyamory, or real time situations.
If you have issues with your PYL, perhaps instead of fooling yourself by saying you don't want to know, open a line of communication with him, find out what it is that he needs from these other women, I'll bet it is something you can provide even better.
It really is all about the communication.

 

[nh23]

If you have issues with your PYL, perhaps instead of fooling yourself by saying you don't want to know, open a line of communication with him, find out what it is that he needs from these other women, I'll bet it is something you can provide even better.
It really is all about the communication.

I'll agree with you 100% on communication. What I disagree with is what I quoted. Some of us just aren't made to be monogamous. I'm a happy girl when I'm in a healthy poly relationship. Take me out of that and put me in the little box called monogamy and I'm very unhappy. It's just not me, and I feel trapped and like I can't be myself. When problems can arise is when you get two people in a relationship and one is monogamous and one is poly. Say for example in bf's example. I'd say a lot of communication is going to be needed for that relationship to work, but you can't just talk to someone and make them something they are not.

 

[intothewoods]

I'll agree with you 100% on communication. What I disagree with is what I quoted. Some of us just aren't made to be monogamous. I'm a happy girl when I'm in a healthy poly relationship. Take me out of that and put me in the little box called monogamy and I'm very unhappy. It's just not me, and I feel trapped and like I can't be myself. When problems can arise is when you get two people in a relationship and one is monogamous and one is poly. Say for example in bf's example. I'd say a lot of communication is going to be needed for that relationship to work, but you can't just talk to someone and make them something they are not.

Why do I have a strong urge to build a box and write the word "monogamy" on it and show up at nh's door?! Bad itw!

 

[nh23]

Why do I have a strong urge to build a box and write the word "monogamy" on it and show up at nh's door?! Bad itw!

LMAO! Sure you're not a sadist?

 

[Etoile]

I'll agree with you 100% on communication. What I disagree with is what I quoted. Some of us just aren't made to be monogamous. I'm a happy girl when I'm in a healthy poly relationship. Take me out of that and put me in the little box called monogamy and I'm very unhappy. It's just not me, and I feel trapped and like I can't be myself. When problems can arise is when you get two people in a relationship and one is monogamous and one is poly. Say for example in bf's example. I'd say a lot of communication is going to be needed for that relationship to work, but you can't just talk to someone and make them something they are not.

I think there is a difference, though, between being wired for polyamory and being unsatisfied in your relationship. Not everyone who "needs" to sleep with non-primaries is polyamorous. Some are, but I suspect far more sleeping around goes on due to dissatisfaction at home rather than a need to have more than one partner to be happy.

If I understand biatchinfire's situation correctly - and I'm not sure I do, but anyway - this is her ex-husband we're talking about here. Somebody she is no longer committed to or having a mutually satisfying relationship. I'd say he should definitely be "allowed" to see other women...if they were still together, she would have the right to expect monogamy if those were the terms of their relationship. But if they're not together anymore, she can't very well tell him he can't see other people.

 

[nh23]

I think there is a difference, though, between being wired for polyamory and being unsatisfied in your relationship. Not everyone who "needs" to sleep with non-primaries is polyamorous. Some are, but I suspect far more sleeping around goes on due to dissatisfaction at home rather than a need to have more than one partner to be happy.

If I understand biatchinfire's situation correctly - and I'm not sure I do, but anyway - this is her ex-husband we're talking about here. Somebody she is no longer committed to or having a mutually satisfying relationship. I'd say he should definitely be "allowed" to see other women...if they were still together, she would have the right to expect monogamy if those were the terms of their relationship. But if they're not together anymore, she can't very well tell him he can't see other people.

*nods* I agree with you in those circumstances 100%

 

[INSIDEYOURMIND]

I'll agree with you 100% on communication. What I disagree with is what I quoted. Some of us just aren't made to be monogamous. I'm a happy girl when I'm in a healthy poly relationship. Take me out of that and put me in the little box called monogamy and I'm very unhappy. It's just not me, and I feel trapped and like I can't be myself. When problems can arise is when you get two people in a relationship and one is monogamous and one is poly. Say for example in bf's example. I'd say a lot of communication is going to be needed for that relationship to work, but you can't just talk to someone and make them something they are not.

I think we agree, I was not talking about a monogamous, or poly situation.

She took a quote that was specific to a different thread, and tried to make it apply to her situation. My comments on this thread were directed towards my being mis-quoted here.

I completely agree with your point of view, I call it the Baskins Robbins theory, with 33 flavors, there must be 1, or a combination of flavors that will appease anyone. I personally don't like ice cream.

 

[Etoile]

Here's a question for those who are wired for polyamory. Do you NEED to have more than one person in your life, if no opportunity presents itself will you consider to seek it out until it does? That is, when you only have one partner, do you need to actively search for another? Or can you be happy with one person until another relationship presents itself?

 

[sexycaz22]

Here's a question for those who are wired for polyamory. Do you NEED to have more than one person in your life, if no opportunity presents itself will you consider to seek it out until it does? That is, when you only have one partner, do you need to actively search for another? Or can you be happy with one person until another relationship presents itself?

I don't know yet if I am wired for poly, yet I do have that desire to have two separate relationships with 2 very different guys, I just don't know why I feel like that. However, I am not going to set out and look for 2 guys to fill my heart out, instead, I am going with the flow, and if I happen to have one partner in my life, I could be happy with just one partner, but if I find myself feeling a bit unhappy or whatever, then I would open all lines of communication with that partner, and see if we could try to reach a compromise.

However, that is all off my head, and not from experience, so I might not be the best person to answer your question, Etoile, and I would be interested in hearing other point of views from those who have had some experiences.

An very interesting question, Etoile!

 

[intothewoods]

LMAO! Sure you're not a sadist?

I am, but sadist brat bottoms don't seem to get much play.

 

[EmpressFi]

I havent actively sought out either of my partners, nor am I currently seeking another.

Malin and I went poly after a friend of ours told us about how she and her husband live. I'll admit, at first I thought.. is she INSANE? How can they do that? But outwardly I treated it as, "Hmm interesting."

I just know that for me, I develop crushes easily. And I used to feel so guilty that I was sexually attracted to other people. It was something I had to "work through" to get over. I'd cheated on my first husband and didnt want to fall prey to the "once a cheat always a cheat" idea. I didnt want to be THAT woman. I loved Malin and didnt want to hurt him by being attracted to other people, to having feelings for other people.

After S told us about she and her husband, it was about 2 years of talking of hinting, before we said, alright, we'll do it. Even then, neither of us had someone waiting nor did we seek them out. It was more of a.. "if you find someone, as long as you tell me about it, it's ok".


I wasnt seeking a relationship with my first. We were friends who were attracted to each other. I went to England and met with him, but, there were .. interruptions that kept us apart. So we parted friends after a little foolin around.

I had been friends with Master for years. We met in the same online game as the other guy but he and I hadnt even flirted. In fact.. I thought he thought I was a slut and that he hated me. Love comes strangely. I was helping him with some papers for college. We started talking every night. Those conversations led to clearing the air about things...which led to other conversations. About 2 months into it, I was calling him Master, a month after that, we met in person.

So, to answer.. no, I didnt seek it, nor do I think I would actively seek it. Every love of my life has come when I wasnt expecting it. The only one I sought, ended in disaster.

I didnt know I was wired for poly. I'm just wired to love and realize that I'm wired to be able to love more than one person at a time. Now that we're poly, I can explore any feelings I have without feeling dirty, without feeling slutty, without feeling like a cheat, without beating myself up about it. Malin has his ladies, and I'm happy with my two men. I'm complete. Not that I wasnt before. I'm just.. more complete, more fulfilled.

 

[nh23]

I think we agree, I was not talking about a monogamous, or poly situation.

She took a quote that was specific to a different thread, and tried to make it apply to her situation. My comments on this thread were directed towards my being mis-quoted here.

I completely agree with your point of view, I call it the Baskins Robbins theory, with 33 flavors, there must be 1, or a combination of flavors that will appease anyone. I personally don't like ice cream.

*nods*

 

[nh23]

Here's a question for those who are wired for polyamory. Do you NEED to have more than one person in your life, if no opportunity presents itself will you consider to seek it out until it does? That is, when you only have one partner, do you need to actively search for another? Or can you be happy with one person until another relationship presents itself?

I wouldn't say that I NEED to have more than one person in my life. But I NEED to have that option. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who expected monogamy. If it was expected of me and I really loved someone..I could try, but how long can you deny who you really are without it leading to problems..My Dom and I split for a few months and I did fall into another relationship rather quickly, but hindsight is 20/20 lol. It was more of a rebound, I need to distract myself from the pain kind of thing. If the relationship between my Dom and I ended again..I think that I would take off a lot time to heal, but I most likely at some point seek another Dominant. Just the same way someone who split up in a nilla relationship would eventually seek out another partner..