Poly...When 3 is not a Crowd.

[tolyk]

Some great points were made yesterday and again while I was sleeping and otherwise engaged.
PLP, thanks for the bump of the thread! I hope that people will feel free to join in and discuss! Your podcast thingey was awesome.

PuckIt, thank you. You made some great points
Honey, much of what you mentioned is why I am not poly. I hear you.
I'm happy just being into him. Let him juggle LOL he gets us both. That should come with some hard work. I kid, but oh believe me it does. Someone made the comment to me the other day that probably 90% of guys want to "pull off" what he is, and I don't know if that's right or not, but he does have a pretty sweet setup in theory right? I mean, damn. Wife and girlfriend? Best of all possible worlds right? He's got it MADE....
except... when he doesn't.
I don't know if he'll talk about that part or not, I should probably let him do it, but some days are simply a matter which one of us is having a bad day.
Is it both? Who's LESS upset? Who needs him more? Which one of us is he going to have to piss off?
Then there are days that I am sure are magical when everyone is happy.

Ink I think you bring up super valid points. All of life is relationships. I have a number of friends I love. Loving one doesn't take love away from another. I have 2 children, having the 2nd didn't mean I love the 1st less but the love for all of them is different.
So there is a correlation. Although I do have one friend I love the mostest of all my friends.
Sidenote, my hairdresser is super hot. And super gay. And one of my best friends.

Sneb, utopia would be lovely but I"m hardly that enlightened. I literally licked strawberry jam off a plate a few minutes ago.

It is hard work. Struggling through emotions, finding hard truths, communicating efficiently, and most of all managing my time so you both feel valued. That's the one that I'm struggling at the most. Especially when there is over time, or photography gigs come up. Working behind full time, being a dad, running a small business/photography... It all eats up a lot of the hours of the day. I've already sacrificed most of my social life, and we are only just starting. It does make things harder with the time zones, and that's part of why I'm looking at moving.

I also don't really play video games any more, but that's hardly what I'd consider a sacrifice. I have been sleeping less, and that's starting to have ramifications on my professional life. I need to work on that. That's a me issue, not an us issue.

I fell deeply in love with a woman who was not my wife. Fell hard, fast, and madly. There are other people I care about besides my wife and Tink, but none of them are like what I feel for these two amazing women. I didn't even know I could love like this, I thought poly relationships were one partner being greedy and taking advantage of someone's emotions for them. That was my view on polygamy 3 months ago. Well, flipped my world upside down.

It will take a while to find our groove. To know each other well enough to get the subtext. For all of us. Tink and I feel like we've known each other our whole lives. It was this instant connection. Like my soul said, oh, there you are, where've you been? Reunited after a lengthy time apart. We have to remind ourselves constantly that we've only known each other a couple months. That we don't know the nuances yet. This will come in time. I'm patient.

There are indeed days that are magical. Days where we are all happy. Those are my goal for every day. I want nothing but happiness for Tink or Pixie. (Yeah, apparently I like fairies too.... But I'm pansexual so make all the fairy jokes you want, doesn't bug me ) Even if this happiness isn't from me. I don't want either of them to be miserable, especially from me. I have to work hard at being the best I can, for their sake and for mine. I owe it to them.

 

[sneb]

It is hard work. Struggling through emotions, finding hard truths, communicating efficiently, and most of all managing my time so you both feel valued. That's the one that I'm struggling at the most. Especially when there is over time, or photography gigs come up. Working behind full time, being a dad, running a small business/photography... It all eats up a lot of the hours of the day. I've already sacrificed most of my social life, and we are only just starting. It does make things harder with the time zones, and that's part of why I'm looking at moving.

I also don't really play video games any more, but that's hardly what I'd consider a sacrifice. I have been sleeping less, and that's starting to have ramifications on my professional life. I need to work on that. That's a me issue, not an us issue.

I fell deeply in love with a woman who was not my wife. Fell hard, fast, and madly. There are other people I care about besides my wife and Tink, but none of them are like what I feel for these two amazing women. I didn't even know I could love like this, I thought poly relationships were one partner being greedy and taking advantage of someone's emotions for them. That was my view on polygamy 3 months ago. Well, flipped my world upside down.

It will take a while to find our groove. To know each other well enough to get the subtext. For all of us. Tink and I feel like we've known each other our whole lives. It was this instant connection. Like my soul said, oh, there you are, where've you been? Reunited after a lengthy time apart. We have to remind ourselves constantly that we've only known each other a couple months. That we don't know the nuances yet. This will come in time. I'm patient.

There are indeed days that are magical. Days where we are all happy. Those are my goal for every day. I want nothing but happiness for Tink or Pixie. (Yeah, apparently I like fairies too.... But I'm pansexual so make all the fairy jokes you want, doesn't bug me ) Even if this happiness isn't from me. I don't want either of them to be miserable, especially from me. I have to work hard at being the best I can, for their sake and for mine. I owe it to them.

Quiet poetic, though, man!

Some great points were made yesterday and again while I was sleeping and otherwise engaged.
PLP, thanks for the bump of the thread! I hope that people will feel free to join in and discuss! Your podcast thingey was awesome.

PuckIt, thank you. You made some great points
Honey, much of what you mentioned is why I am not poly. I hear you.
I'm happy just being into him. Let him juggle LOL he gets us both. That should come with some hard work. I kid, but oh believe me it does. Someone made the comment to me the other day that probably 90% of guys want to "pull off" what he is, and I don't know if that's right or not, but he does have a pretty sweet setup in theory right? I mean, damn. Wife and girlfriend? Best of all possible worlds right? He's got it MADE....
except... when he doesn't.
I don't know if he'll talk about that part or not, I should probably let him do it, but some days are simply a matter which one of us is having a bad day.
Is it both? Who's LESS upset? Who needs him more? Which one of us is he going to have to piss off?
Then there are days that I am sure are magical when everyone is happy.

Ink I think you bring up super valid points. All of life is relationships. I have a number of friends I love. Loving one doesn't take love away from another. I have 2 children, having the 2nd didn't mean I love the 1st less but the love for all of them is different.
So there is a correlation. Although I do have one friend I love the mostest of all my friends.
Sidenote, my hairdresser is super hot. And super gay. And one of my best friends.

Sneb, utopia would be lovely but I"m hardly that enlightened. I literally licked strawberry jam off a plate a few minutes ago.

Yeah well, that's just a rumour, that utopia needs enlightenment. Naah, it needs strawberry jam plate lickers for the most part.

I joke, *stepping off back to the periphery of the discussion*.

 

[tolyk]

Quiet poetic, though, man!

Thank you. I try to use my words to the best of my ability. I used to be better. Need to get there again.

Tolyk.

(And also if you hurt her, I hurt you. We know this. I'm happy to see someone I love being loved in the best way.)

If I hurt her, I hurt me, and you hurt me. We've been over this. *hugs*

 

[barefootgirl69]

Tolyk, I'm glad you're happy and I'm happy for you...but... how does Pixie feel about you saying these things? I know I would be pissed, but I'm not looking for an open marriage or a poly relationship.

We've heard a lot from you and Tink and others, even DarkSimian... but I would love to hear perspective from Pixie and Mrppv... pretty please.

I have questions. Maybe others do, as well.

 

[tolyk]

Tolyk, I'm glad you're happy and I'm happy for you...but... how does Pixie feel about you saying these things? I know I would be pissed, but I'm not looking for an open marriage or a poly relationship.

We've heard a lot from you and Tink and others, even DarkSimian... but I would love to hear perspective from Pixie and Mrppv... pretty please.

I have questions. Maybe others do, as well.

I can't speak for her, and she'll contribute when she feels up to it. But she read your post and wanted me to express that your post made her feel worse than anything about our situation, because you are practically demanding her contribution. She has her own support network where she talks about all this, and doesn't feel great about invading what she feels is Tinks space, even with an open invitation. You've got my wife in tears because of the uncomfortable to her situation she feels you forced her into.

If my wife were unhappy with the situation, then I wouldn't be in it. She is dating outside of our marriage too. Which I discussed in my first post here. If Tink wanted to date someone else while maintaining our relationship I also wouldn't object. She and I had that conversation. Pixie and I had that conversation. We have lots of conversations about the deeper impact this has or could have on us.

 

[LostGirlTink]

*sigh*
Still forming thoughts

 

[barefootgirl69]

I can't speak for her, and she'll contribute when she feels up to it. But she read your post and wanted me to express that your post made her feel worse than anything about our situation, because you are practically demanding her contribution. She has her own support network where she talks about all this, and doesn't feel great about invading what she feels is Tinks space, even with an open invitation. You've got my wife in tears because of the uncomfortable to her situation she feels you forced her into.

If my wife were unhappy with the situation, then I wouldn't be in it. She is dating outside of our marriage too. Which I discussed in my first post here. If Tink wanted to date someone else while maintaining our relationship I also wouldn't object. She and I had that conversation. Pixie and I had that conversation. We have lots of conversations about the deeper impact this has or could have on us.

Good gracious. .. that was never my intent! I didn't demand anything, I asked and I really did so politely because I wanted a perspective of the polyamory relationship from all the "participants"... I don't like that term, but I'm at a loss for another. It's very new to many of us... this discussion.

I'm sorry, Pixie. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was trying..

Never mind. I'll leave your thread quietly.

 

[curvyangel1969]

I'm not trying to make anyone angry here. But, I'm having a hard time understanding the upset? I don't feel like asking for input from all parties was hurtful or disrespectful in any way. I know to fully appreciate something it's best to get the view from all sides. I am sorry people are upset but I'm really confused by the whys if this is agreed on by all parties. *scratches head*

 

[SexyPixie]

I am so fucking pissed i got fucking dragged into this and someone I don't know is trying to use fake concern for me and my feelings to make people I care about feel bad.
I love Tolyk and we are together. I care about Tink because she is a good person. The fact the Tolyk loves her really only recommends her as a person. She started this thread as a place to discuss poly relationships in a respectful way because this is new to all of us. I was invited to participate however I have elsewhere where I am getting support and education on poly. That is where I feel safe to do so and where the bulk of my contribution will be. It is not on lit. I don't owe anyone here, beyond Tolyk and Tink, a goddamn thing. As for them I owe them communication and respect. I certainly don't need to be drug into someone else's need for drama.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Wow. That escalated quickly.

It’s an interesting topic, and it’s in a public forum. No one has to answer even if they are asked NICELY, like BFG did.

Sorry, but BFG is not the one causing the drama. A simple answer and maybe a PM would have been much less dramatic.

 

[AlwaysFara]

And honestly, the intention of this thread seemed to be for us to ask questions or share thoughts about a very public relationship and it’s dynamics.
If all members are the relationship aren’t on board with this, then what is this?

I’m stepping out. Good luck and happiness to all. With love.

 

[tolyk]

I'm not trying to make anyone angry here. But, I'm having a hard time understanding the upset? I don't feel like asking for input from all parties was hurtful or disrespectful in any way. I know to fully appreciate something it's best to get the view from all sides. I am sorry people are upset but I'm really confused by the whys if this is agreed on by all parties. *scratches head*

This is a thread about poly, not about my relationship. Noone is owed a deeper explanation than what we have freely given already.

And honestly, the intention of this thread seemed to be for us to ask questions or share thoughts about a very public relationship and it’s dynamics.
If all members are the relationship aren’t on board with this, then what is this?

I’m stepping out. Good luck and happiness to all. With love.

See above. This thread wasn't about my relationships, I am merely a very open person and prefer to talk from my experience. So I used myself as examples to express my points. My wife? She's her own person and can answer for herself if she wishes.

 

[Angedesoleil]

Ok, I bolded 3 things, before I address those, yeah. That was my point in putting this here too. Not only would people maybe not venture elsewhere but maybe they would look at things and be more willing to discuss and my ultimate goal is that everyone be able to accept everyone else for who they are with a whole lot less judgement than there currently is. I want people to know and understand it as I'm learning to, because much like people have preconceived notions of DDlg they have their stereotypes and judgement about poly right? So... let's fix that with open discussion.

1. There shouldn't be any bashing. There's nothing wrong with monogamy. I'm not sure that it's always practical to believe that people will remain monogamous but I think that if it works for those involved, that's amazing. Monogamy is awesome.
2. That's a big struggle for me bfg. Of course I want someone to want me, to want to cuddle with me, to share things with me. But if he's doing that, and meeting all those needs does it matter that I"m not the ONLY. That's the part I'm learning about. If I'm not lacking for anything, then does it even matter? I'm conditioned to believe it does. We all are.
I didn't grow up reading fairy tales where the prince meets a princess and they fall in love and oh by the way he already has another princess and they all lived happily ever after.
I grew up believing in one and only.
I lived that life already. It didn't magically end in happily ever after, so there's no guarantee there either.
Would I have CHOSEN to catch feelings for someone who is poly? Nope. Not a chance. This is hard work and I'm already a trainwreck.
Of course I'd have wanted him to be monogamous and single and live one county over and be a millionaire who never had to go to work and... and....and.... you know I wanted to be blonde, 5'4 and have a trust fund too, but that was not the cards I was dealt.
But when you find someone and it feels like it's supposed to be, then you have to decide what you can work with.
My main criteria in a relationship is someone who is honest with me. THIS *gestures to all encompass the whole poly situation including me as a trainwreck*
This doesn't work without honesty. Even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard.
We talk about EVERYTHING.
Friends have come to me and told me things and I've had to shrug and say, "I know."
Because he told me.
I don't know if they assume things are being hidden or I don't see it, but I can't fault them for it, they care. That's sweet. I adore them for it.
There are those who would like to manipulate things, because people like to wreck beautiful things too... and their motives are different. That's not sweet. If anyone with those intentions are reading this right now, I'll say one thing. Don't do that. Be a better human.
There are friends who keep telling me "Be careful" and I love them for that too... because there's a huge risk of me getting hurt and I know that, but there's a huge risk for anyone when you let your heart engage.
But yes, it's always goign to be a little hard for me because I always feel like I'm not enough for people. It's an insecurity that goes way back and maybe that'll be what makes this not work, or maybe it'll be this that makes me finally realize that I've always been enough, but that being enough doesn't mean what I always thought it did.
3. I'm a little confused about your last question so I'm going to answer it the best I can and if I don't get it right let me know.
I'm not poly. Meaning I don't have those kinds of feelings for more than one person at a time. That means that yeah, I'm monogamous. I know he's not.
I know that he and his wife are intimate. They may have been last night, or this morning or tonight. I don't ask. I don't want to know about that. I know they ARE but I don't need or want the details. It doesn't do it for me the way it might for others. (not judging those that are into that..it's just not for me)
I am not engaging in any type of intimate relationship with another, nor do I plan to.
So it's not "well he has her so I can have someone too." That's ok with him if it was what I want btw... That would be "fair" right? Except it isn't about fair. I don't want to be with anyone else so i'm not.
As far as the other woman part.
That actually came up yesterday in a conversation with another friend.
I'm gonna put a hard stop to that.

No. I'm not the "other woman" that way.
I'm HIS other woman if you want to look at it little different, but I'm going to shy away from that phrase too, because other woman makes me seem "extra" and "unnecessary" and "expendable" and not what I am. It sounds dirty(not in a good way) and like lies and deceit and hiding in corner booths.

She is his wife. They have a family together, they have children. They are happy. They have a life together with friends and shared memories and a home.
That's what they have together and I love that he is in a happy marriage. I want him to be happy.
She's pretty awesome. I actually really hope she comes to post on my thread here eventually. Her perspective would be nice to have and I'd love to hear her thoughts on things more than when we just chat. Yes. We talk. Not a ton, but we're trying. This is hard to navigate my friends.

I'm his girlfriend. With all that entails.
But without secrets. Without lies. Without hiding me or her or any of it. She offered to make me butter tarts for when he and I go on vacation in a couple weeks. See? I told you, she's awesome. I can call him, any time. He talks to me in front of her, and in front of his kids.
He has friends that know about me.
I don't want a life where I live 24/7 with someone else. My having babies days are a thing of the past, I have 2 beautiful ones already who are almost grown. It's fantastic. I like being his girlfriend.

So I hope it answers your question, I'm not the other woman. I'm just his.

Editing to respond to Cookie. Since it's in a similar vein.
You aren't wrong.
I expect that I am changing maybe more than he is, but he's learning too and he's been really accommodating to what I need and so has she.
I think the fact that I've been in a long term marriage where I haven't gotten what I needed and that that's dissolved after 20+ years leads me happy with the idea of having my own space. Both in my head, my heart and physically my own space.

I don't know that I ever want to share all that again. We also live on different sides of the border. Spontaneous is going to take some work, so that might be a difference too. It would be just as hard to schedule if he was single right now.

Damn that's a wall of text. Sorry.

tl/dr version.

I'm happy and I know it's not perfect.

WE NEED A LIKE BUTTON FEATURE.


A lot of times judgment of others comes from a place of fear and insecurity. It is our fear that speaks hurt and anger. It's a defense mechanism.

Tink; I'll admit to being one of your friends that says **** BE CAREFUL***. Tol; it's not personal. She has been and always will be, my priority. That said I have a TON Of recent respect for you.


I'm going to come back later and add. But. For now... a few points.

#1 I've personal experience with polyamory. On occasion it was positive, once it was very negative though the negative had to do with him being a liar, not poly.

For myself; it is harder to be the first. The primary. It took a LOT of soul searching to understand myself and my motivations. I very much understand the mentality " I need to be enough" until I look at what really drives that. It's the easy out to look at it and say: " I'm filling a need" as opposed to "he needed soneone else because I wasn't enough.". That's the cheap out. That is not in the spirit of love.
It took me looking to find a circumstance where I'd actively encourage my partner to seek another relationship.

Irony of ironies my Daddy and I hit this talk yesterday, and while I had been in plural relationships and a plural marriage I still fell apart. We are human. Our base fears still play through. But in the end it depends on what metle you are made of. Is love about what you can get and give? Do you love your partner with the caveat that they have to love you the way you see fit? Or do you seek to see the love they present from their eyes? Does your partner make you feel:
Loved, respected, valued, important, appreciated, cared about, special, cherished, trusted, safe?
If Yes... Then .... if they have a need... why withhold? Is it fear of being found wanting? If so work on strengthening your relationship.
Tink some day I'm going to need your hand. Daddy and I are in for the long haul. I see spending forever with this man. I do. But it's going to be a long road. In the meanwhile I don't want him to waste his life. We only get one. I want him happy. I'll never be the other woman nor are you. That only exists when people are speaking out of distrust, lies, secrecy, fear, meanness..... hurt. We have no place in our lives for that. Doesn't make it an easy road, but it can be one filled with love, patience, understanding, and trust.



I love you Tink dear.
I love Daddy too. With all my heart.

 

[SassySheDevil]

I was following for my own curiosity This is a lifestyle I am not familiar with, and I am never too old to learn new things. That is why I also asked questions. Sadly the point of learning is usually from those who have experienced it. if you learn from those who have not. Then you are possibly learning the wrong way/things.

I was hopeful this thread could keep up the open discussion without anyone getting offended/hurt/upset. Whatever. We've learned that, that already seems like an almost impossible thing to do now a days, and as it turns out. It was.

But I hope that you all would understand that while BFG was the first to say it, many were probably also hoping for Pixies input. Or Mrppv. Because you are the ones living it. You are the ones who are the best people to ask the questions to. There are others who have spoken up, yes. But not all parties are on the board.

I am sorry that anyone felt hurt in this situation, and out of my own worries for that, I went elsewhere to ask the rest of my questions.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Angedesoleil]

You know.... I faced this growth moment once on another site. I had a friend who was very open about a specific degenerative disease. My mom was diagnosed with said disease
I was struggling and looking for guidance, and I posted a request for advice and tagged said friend. Whoops. Big ow. My friend did not appreciate It, and we never recovered our friendship. What I learned is that people don't like being forced into a public position of having to explain or defend. Even if well intentioned. Even if they have previously been open about something.
I know BFG didn't mean to come off as demanding, but calling someone out ( I think you meant it to be inclusive?) Can just come off to the person as asking them to publically be an apologist for their choices.

Pixie; I'm glad you've support where you feel most comfortable. You deserve your safe space. I'm so impressed with the woman you are for how kind you are to Tink. You have my respect. I hope your hurt heals quickly.

 

[Erotic69er]

We are all made differently.

I’ve always been polyamorous. It’s just the way I’m made.
Although I’m bisexual and I’ve been into swinging for many years I prefer selecting a partner because I need to be attracted to them physically and emotionally otherwise I’m not interested long term.

 

[tolyk]

You know.... I faced this growth moment once on another site. I had a friend who was very open about a specific degenerative disease. My mom was diagnosed with said disease
I was struggling and looking for guidance, and I posted a request for advice and tagged said friend. Whoops. Big ow. My friend did not appreciate It, and we never recovered our friendship. What I learned is that people don't like being forced into a public position of having to explain or defend. Even if well intentioned. Even if they have previously been open about something.
I know BFG didn't mean to come off as demanding, but calling someone out ( I think you meant it to be inclusive?) Can just come off to the person as asking them to publically be an apologist for their choices.

Pixie; I'm glad you've support where you feel most comfortable. You deserve your safe space. I'm so impressed with the woman you are for how kind you are to Tink. You have my respect. I hope your hurt heals quickly.

Thank you for this Ange, I'm sure your words will mean a great deal to her

By the way, I respect you too

 

[KimGordon67]

Having someone move in would be a giant step but not one out of the question in a truly committed relationship.

We've never gone that far but we did get to 'play house' once. The wife's friend was getting ready to transfer and because of the timeline had to move out of her apartment a month early. We were all pretty close and had room in our place at the time so we offered to let her stay with us. It was so much fun, like a sleepover every night. It was also nice not to have to hide or sneak around what we were doing from the nosy neighbors. The best part by far were the dinners. For some reason we put a lot of effort into making special meals almost every night. I don't know if it was because the time we were going to spend together was limited or because of one extra head meant the meal was somehow more important but I remember so much time spent in the kitchen.

I think I would be open to doing it on a permanent basis but it would have to be with someone really special and probably once all the kids have grown and moved away. That month of sharing our home with someone was fun but I also remember how hard it was saying goodbye, for all of us. There was a definite re-adjustment period were the house felt very quiet.

Right now, we have a small group of satellite friends who bounce around doing their own thing but keep coming back around every so often. We play when we can and enjoy the quiet when we can't. We don't go looking for trouble, just let it find us.

Like Ricky Baker said, "I didn't choose the skuxx life, the skuxx life chose me."

You quoted Ricky Baker ... I think I'm in love.

 

[ExiledWelshman]

Ok, I bolded 3 things, before I address those, yeah. That was my point in putting this here too. Not only would people maybe not venture elsewhere but maybe they would look at things and be more willing to discuss and my ultimate goal is that everyone be able to accept everyone else for who they are with a whole lot less judgement than there currently is. I want people to know and understand it as I'm learning to, because much like people have preconceived notions of DDlg they have their stereotypes and judgement about poly right? So... let's fix that with open discussion.

1. There shouldn't be any bashing. There's nothing wrong with monogamy. I'm not sure that it's always practical to believe that people will remain monogamous but I think that if it works for those involved, that's amazing. Monogamy is awesome.
2. That's a big struggle for me bfg. Of course I want someone to want me, to want to cuddle with me, to share things with me. But if he's doing that, and meeting all those needs does it matter that I"m not the ONLY. That's the part I'm learning about. If I'm not lacking for anything, then does it even matter? I'm conditioned to believe it does. We all are.
I didn't grow up reading fairy tales where the prince meets a princess and they fall in love and oh by the way he already has another princess and they all lived happily ever after.
I grew up believing in one and only.
I lived that life already. It didn't magically end in happily ever after, so there's no guarantee there either.
Would I have CHOSEN to catch feelings for someone who is poly? Nope. Not a chance. This is hard work and I'm already a trainwreck.
Of course I'd have wanted him to be monogamous and single and live one county over and be a millionaire who never had to go to work and... and....and.... you know I wanted to be blonde, 5'4 and have a trust fund too, but that was not the cards I was dealt.
But when you find someone and it feels like it's supposed to be, then you have to decide what you can work with.
My main criteria in a relationship is someone who is honest with me. THIS *gestures to all encompass the whole poly situation including me as a trainwreck*
This doesn't work without honesty. Even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard.
We talk about EVERYTHING.
Friends have come to me and told me things and I've had to shrug and say, "I know."
Because he told me.
I don't know if they assume things are being hidden or I don't see it, but I can't fault them for it, they care. That's sweet. I adore them for it.
There are those who would like to manipulate things, because people like to wreck beautiful things too... and their motives are different. That's not sweet. If anyone with those intentions are reading this right now, I'll say one thing. Don't do that. Be a better human.
There are friends who keep telling me "Be careful" and I love them for that too... because there's a huge risk of me getting hurt and I know that, but there's a huge risk for anyone when you let your heart engage.
But yes, it's always goign to be a little hard for me because I always feel like I'm not enough for people. It's an insecurity that goes way back and maybe that'll be what makes this not work, or maybe it'll be this that makes me finally realize that I've always been enough, but that being enough doesn't mean what I always thought it did.
3. I'm a little confused about your last question so I'm going to answer it the best I can and if I don't get it right let me know.
I'm not poly. Meaning I don't have those kinds of feelings for more than one person at a time. That means that yeah, I'm monogamous. I know he's not.
I know that he and his wife are intimate. They may have been last night, or this morning or tonight. I don't ask. I don't want to know about that. I know they ARE but I don't need or want the details. It doesn't do it for me the way it might for others. (not judging those that are into that..it's just not for me)
I am not engaging in any type of intimate relationship with another, nor do I plan to.
So it's not "well he has her so I can have someone too." That's ok with him if it was what I want btw... That would be "fair" right? Except it isn't about fair. I don't want to be with anyone else so i'm not.
As far as the other woman part.
That actually came up yesterday in a conversation with another friend.
I'm gonna put a hard stop to that.

No. I'm not the "other woman" that way.
I'm HIS other woman if you want to look at it little different, but I'm going to shy away from that phrase too, because other woman makes me seem "extra" and "unnecessary" and "expendable" and not what I am. It sounds dirty(not in a good way) and like lies and deceit and hiding in corner booths.

She is his wife. They have a family together, they have children. They are happy. They have a life together with friends and shared memories and a home.
That's what they have together and I love that he is in a happy marriage. I want him to be happy.
She's pretty awesome. I actually really hope she comes to post on my thread here eventually. Her perspective would be nice to have and I'd love to hear her thoughts on things more than when we just chat. Yes. We talk. Not a ton, but we're trying. This is hard to navigate my friends.

I'm his girlfriend. With all that entails.
But without secrets. Without lies. Without hiding me or her or any of it. She offered to make me butter tarts for when he and I go on vacation in a couple weeks. See? I told you, she's awesome. I can call him, any time. He talks to me in front of her, and in front of his kids.
He has friends that know about me.
I don't want a life where I live 24/7 with someone else. My having babies days are a thing of the past, I have 2 beautiful ones already who are almost grown. It's fantastic. I like being his girlfriend.

So I hope it answers your question, I'm not the other woman. I'm just his.

Editing to respond to Cookie. Since it's in a similar vein.
You aren't wrong.
I expect that I am changing maybe more than he is, but he's learning too and he's been really accommodating to what I need and so has she.
I think the fact that I've been in a long term marriage where I haven't gotten what I needed and that that's dissolved after 20+ years leads me happy with the idea of having my own space. Both in my head, my heart and physically my own space.

I don't know that I ever want to share all that again. We also live on different sides of the border. Spontaneous is going to take some work, so that might be a difference too. It would be just as hard to schedule if he was single right now.

Damn that's a wall of text. Sorry.

tl/dr version.

I'm happy and I know it's not perfect.

You've got your head screwed on the right way Tink. Big hug.

 

[Angedesoleil]

I’ve always been polyamorous. It’s just the way I’m made.
Although I’m bisexual and I’ve been into swinging for many years I prefer selecting a partner because I need to be attracted to them physically and emotionally otherwise I’m not interested long term.

Good point. I'm grey asexual believe it or not. Lol. It's something I've not directly discussed on here. But yes, what is normal and natural and no big deal to one is completely different to another.

 

[Erotically_Yours]

Hopefully we can get the topic back to being about poly relationships and not just one single isolated relationship. This has been great discussion that has been insightful to those on the outside looking in. For those with questions still, please feel free to ask them. I personally don’t want people to feel like this is a topic to be avoided because of the possibility of stepping on toes. It is a subject that needs to be talked about more. At the same time, if you do ask a question, do so respectfully and remind yourself that it’s not an easy thing to lay out your entire private life on the table for the whole world to scrutinize.

 

[Dribble]

One person's motives are 99.9% of the time not what another perceives them as. What happened last night, I suspect is a common thread in the fabric of a poly relationships, just as they are in normal. As a non-standard relationship, I am naturally curious. If my experience is limited, I can only ask questions from my point of view...as an outsider...and of ignorance. I may have no clue what is hurtful...I am ignorant of so many things. But that doesn't mean I ever meant to hurt anyone. Or cross a line I didn't know existed.

So, how do we as adults rectify this? I agree with EY...this should be more openly discussed instead of pushed down. I think it is important. Seems to me the answer is simple...we have better rules...kinda like setting up a relationship from the beginning. Then we as willing participants have the opportunity to make the choice any relationship makes...am I willing to follow the rules? Or not? Just my 2 cents from the cheap seats I reside.

 

[Leigh81]

I see the term, "the other woman" come up in this conversation.
In our case, Ashley is the other woman. She likes being the other woman & she is much closer to me than she is to my husband. She has actually said herself that she looks at this as a type of lease.
My husband & I (our marriage) comes first so she isn't an equal in certain aspects. She knows this, accepts this & prefers this. Our situation will eventually end. When it does I believe that my husband & I will live a monogamous marriage afterwards. This is a 1 in a million situation.

No way would we be doing this if kids were involved. No way would it work if she lived a long distance away.
Everyone is different & the relationships I see in this thread would never work for me/us. But I'm sure that our situation wouldn't work for others as well.
AlwaysFara mentioned communication and sacrifice. You really need good communication but sacrifice depends on each individual situation. In our case there isn't much sacrificing & absolutely no drama.

L

L

 

[LostGirlTink]

There are indeed days that are magical. Days where we are all happy. Those are my goal for every day. I want nothing but happiness for Tink or Pixie. (Yeah, apparently I like fairies too.... But I'm pansexual so make all the fairy jokes you want, doesn't bug me ) Even if this happiness isn't from me. I don't want either of them to be miserable, especially from me. I have to work hard at being the best I can, for their sake and for mine. I owe it to them.

Yesterday wasn't one of them huh Tol? <3
In the drama of yesterday I never responded to this post from you.
Thank you. And now I'll say in public what you've said probably 100 times already.
I love you.

Tolyk, I'm glad you're happy and I'm happy for you...but... how does Pixie feel about you saying these things? I know I would be pissed, but I'm not looking for an open marriage or a poly relationship.

We've heard a lot from you and Tink and others, even DarkSimian... but I would love to hear perspective from Pixie and Mrppv... pretty please.

I have questions. Maybe others do, as well.

This is the post that I was going to ignore this morning because it was upsetting yesterday. But I want to talk about this.
It was upsetting to me because it felt judgey. And that's a ME issue I think. And maybe a Tol issue if he felt the same, I know he has already made his own comments and I don't speak for him or for Pixie or anyone else.
I already responded and said that your tone had come across as judgemental and that this was one of the things I was trying to to avoid by putting the thread here and I was hurt that you came back with something else that I deemed in that moment to feel even more judgemental.
What only my close friends here know is I'm actually super private. I hate to be gossiped about, I am sensitive and I hate, hate, hate drama. It makes my stomach hurt to be at the center of drama. I was trying to be open because I think and understand that this is a topic that people don't understand. It doesn't mean it's easy for me to share from my heart.
I was upset that my side, and his side weren't enough to satisfy people's curiosity, which felt like it had shifted from "Hey, we like you and want to understand" to something else.

It still felt like "well we don't really believe you" and no one likes to be pressured.
Pixie felt like she needed to come validate, and I'm sorry for that. That's why I was upset.

I would love it if she wanted to post here, because yes, this story has 3 sides but she shouldn't ever feel pressure to do so. This wasn't a thread started about my relationship it was a thread that was supposed to be about poly.
I can only write about my part, it's always been my hope that other people would share theirs... not just Tol and Pixie, we are having our own conversations about these things.

Good gracious. .. that was never my intent! I didn't demand anything, I asked and I really did so politely because I wanted a perspective of the polyamory relationship from all the "participants"... I don't like that term, but I'm at a loss for another. It's very new to many of us... this discussion.

I'm sorry, Pixie. I didn't mean to hurt you. I was trying..

Never mind. I'll leave your thread quietly.

You don't have to leave. Stay. Learn.
Partners. That's the word I use in my head.

I care about Tink because she is a good person. The fact the Tolyk loves her really only recommends her as a person. She started this thread as a place to discuss poly relationships in a respectful way because this is new to all of us. I was invited to participate however I have elsewhere where I am getting support and education on poly.

Thank you for this Pixie. The things you said about me I can only repeat. He loves you, that speaks volumes to me about who you are.

And honestly, the intention of this thread seemed to be for us to ask questions or share thoughts about a very public relationship and it’s dynamics.
If all members are the relationship aren’t on board with this, then what is this

Maybe that was my fault. I am not sure why anyone saw this as being about our relationship, maybe because we talk a lot.

Everyone is on board, but not everyone is a posty as others.

Those people don't receive the scrutiny that these open partners have, both publicly and privately, who are not hiding anything.

Thanks gorgeous. Yeah, it felt like scrutiny. I'm still learning. I'm trying constantly to grow and figure this out. I'm gonna stumble.

WE NEED A LIKE BUTTON FEATURE.

Yes we do. Your posts made me cry, in a good way though. Thank you.

But I hope that you all would understand that while BFG was the first to say it, many were probably also hoping for Pixies input. Or Mrppv. Because you are the ones living it. You are the ones who are the best people to ask the questions to. There are others who have spoken up, yes. But not all parties are on the board.

That's fair. I can understand that. I really can.

Pixie; I'm glad you've support where you feel most comfortable. You deserve your safe space. I'm so impressed with the woman you are for how kind you are to Tink. You have my respect. I hope your hurt heals quickly.

I’ve always been polyamorous. It’s just the way I’m made.
Although I’m bisexual and I’ve been into swinging for many years I prefer selecting a partner because I need to be attracted to them physically and emotionally otherwise I’m not interested long term.

Welcome to the thread.

Hopefully we can get the topic back to being about poly relationships and not just one single isolated relationship. This has been great discussion that has been insightful to those on the outside looking in. For those with questions still, please feel free to ask them. I personally don’t want people to feel like this is a topic to be avoided because of the possibility of stepping on toes. It is a subject that needs to be talked about more. At the same time, if you do ask a question, do so respectfully and remind yourself that it’s not an easy thing to lay out your entire private life on the table for the whole world to scrutinize.

Yeah. I suppose it was inevitable. But it's done.
It's hard to remember we aren't abstracts, we are people... and that goes for me too. We all say things that might be taken wrong, and we all take text in the tone we assign to it.
So, I'll be more careful not to fly off the handle, which actually isn't like me most of the time.

One person's motives are 99.9% of the time not what another perceives them as. What happened last night, I suspect is a common thread in the fabric of a poly relationships, just as they are in normal. As a non-standard relationship, I am naturally curious. If my experience is limited, I can only ask questions from my point of view...as an outsider...and of ignorance. I may have no clue what is hurtful...I am ignorant of so many things. But that doesn't mean I ever meant to hurt anyone. Or cross a line I didn't know existed.

So, how do we as adults rectify this? I agree with EY...this should be more openly discussed instead of pushed down. I think it is important. Seems to me the answer is simple...we have better rules...kinda like setting up a relationship from the beginning. Then we as willing participants have the opportunity to make the choice any relationship makes...am I willing to follow the rules? Or not? Just my 2 cents from the cheap seats I reside.

Gotta figure that out.

Let' carry on shall we?

A friend sent me this last night.
I laughed.

 

[tnman03]

I see the term, "the other woman" come up in this conversation.
In our case, Ashley is the other woman. She likes being the other woman & she is much closer to me than she is to my husband. She has actually said herself that she looks at this as a type of lease.
My husband & I (our marriage) comes first so she isn't an equal in certain aspects. She knows this, accepts this & prefers this. Our situation will eventually end. When it does I believe that my husband & I will live a monogamous marriage afterwards. This is a 1 in a million situation.

No way would we be doing this if kids were involved. No way would it work if she lived a long distance away.
Everyone is different & the relationships I see in this thread would never work for me/us. But I'm sure that our situation wouldn't work for others as well.
AlwaysFara mentioned communication and sacrifice. You really need good communication but sacrifice depends on each individual situation. In our case there isn't much sacrificing & absolutely no drama.

L

L

This is an informational and insightful post written with an obviously objective viewpoint. I really like the comment about considering the relationship as a lease. As well as Leigh's thoughtful realization that her marriage is first and her recognition of how temporary what they have with her friend is. That's a lot of honesty and strength, not to mention wisdom.