Poly...When 3 is not a Crowd.

[Tenderkiss]

I think the discussion could only happen if she were to find it out on her own. I don’t think I could even nudge her in the right direction. I have tried in the past to have her read articles on dealing with an introvert. How to better understand me. I’ve encouraged personality “tests”, to learn how we both tick.

It doesn’t go well. Usually no interest. She is convinced I am just depressed and that I should take some medicine.

 

[LostGirlTink]

I think the discussion could only happen if she were to find it out on her own. I don’t think I could even nudge her in the right direction. I have tried in the past to have her read articles on dealing with an introvert. How to better understand me. I’ve encouraged personality “tests”, to learn how we both tick.

It doesn’t go well. Usually no interest. She is convinced I am just depressed and that I should take some medicine.

Maybe you are, living a life that is contrary to your needs and desires can lead to dissatisfaction, depression and malcontent.
There’s a great chapter on communication in the book “more than two”
I encourage everyone in the universe to read it, poly or not.

There are whole books about the subject of having this discussion. I can’t imagine it’s an easy one, but it might be a necessary one

 

[Tenderkiss]

Maybe you are, living a life that is contrary to your needs and desires can lead to dissatisfaction, depression and malcontent.
There’s a great chapter on communication in the book “more than two”
I encourage everyone in the universe to read it, poly or not.

There are whole books about the subject of having this discussion. I can’t imagine it’s an easy one, but it might be a necessary one

Thank you. Perhaps I am. There is a lot of stress in our life right now. So maybe it’s just the combination of it all.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Thank you. Perhaps I am. There is a lot of stress in our life right now. So maybe it’s just the combination of it all.

One thing everything I read says... opening a marriage with issues doesn’t solve the issues. Keep that in mind.
Stress sucks. It’d be nice to be able to decrease it dramatically wouldn’t it?

 

[Erotically_Yours]

What I’ve come to realize lately is how complex human beings are and how much of what we do is because it’s “supposed” to be a certain way and not because it’s the way people want their lives to be.

Truer words have never been spoken. How different of a world we would live in if the focus was on being happy and living peacefully instead of conforming to how things are "supposed to be".

One thing everything I read says... opening a marriage with issues doesn’t solve the issues. Keep that in mind.
Stress sucks. It’d be nice to be able to decrease it dramatically wouldn’t it?

Absolutely. Address problems at their source. The practice of open and honest communication goes a long way -- regardless if your relationship is mono, poly, or otherwise. If one person is walling themselves away from a conversation, you've already got greater problems at hand.

 

[Tenderkiss]

Truer words have never been spoken. How different of a world we would live in if the focus was on being happy and living peacefully instead of conforming to how things are "supposed to be".

Having broken away from and freed myself from evangelical Christianity I can see how I used to believe and act in a “supposed to be” manner. My thoughts are plagued by how I might have affected people because of those beliefs.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Truer words have never been spoken. How different of a world we would live in if the focus was on being happy and living peacefully instead of conforming to how things are "supposed to be".



Absolutely. Address problems at their source. The practice of open and honest communication goes a long way -- regardless if your relationship is mono, poly, or otherwise. If one person is walling themselves away from a conversation, you've already got greater problems at hand.

All of that. 100% all of that.
If you can't talk to each other honestly, then what do you have?
This applies to EVERYTHING, friendships, family, etc.

People don't know how to actually talk to one another. Sometimes i really suck at it, but the conversations happen. Through tears, with frustration, with whispers and raised voices, through calls, messages, if we weren't so far away, while snuggled under covers most likely but conversations about everything have to be happening. <3 It's how things grow.

Having broken away from and freed myself from evangelical Christianity I can see how I used to believe and act in a “supposed to be” manner. My thoughts are plagued by how I might have affected people because of those beliefs.

I won't share my thoughts on religion because people get twitchy.


But supposed to be is hard.
I tell Tol all the time when I struggle... "My fairy tales looked different than this, it's hard to remember that having something different isn't wrong. That it doesn't have to be just one way."

 

[LostGirlTink]

I read a really interesting article the other day, that was really about poly relationships but also about non-traditional relationships in general (read... lit or long distance or any number of non-traditional) and thought that someone else might get something out of the article.

https://polysingleish.com/2015/04/28/navigating-non-escalator-relationships/

 

[LostGirlTink]

I’ve been in my relationship with Tolyk for a while now and the amount I’ve learned about how to navigate this is crazy.
I’ve read books and articles, joined forums, had discussions on fet, overthought literally every last piece of it and I’ve discovered that the same thing is true about poly that is true about all relationships.
They are unpredictable and dependent on those involved.
I think that a lot of what works for some probably doesn’t work for others, and that there’s a huge difference between “open” and “poly”

I was toying with creating a new thread, but I think I might just try to revive this one.
It had a lot of good stuff in here and I’ve learned so much in just a few short months.
There aren’t a lot of threads on this topic but so many people are already emotionally involved with more than one person that I feel like some good conversations can be had.

Or no one will be interested and the thread will just die off again

 

[tolyk]

I’ve been in my relationship with Tolyk for a while now and the amount I’ve learned about how to navigate this is crazy.
I’ve read books and articles, joined forums, had discussions on fet, overthought literally every last piece of it and I’ve discovered that the same thing is true about poly that is true about all relationships.
They are unpredictable and dependent on those involved.
I think that a lot of what works for some probably doesn’t work for others, and that there’s a huge difference between “open” and “poly”

I was toying with creating a new thread, but I think I might just try to revive this one.
It had a lot of good stuff in here and I’ve learned so much in just a few short months.
There aren’t a lot of threads on this topic but so many people are already emotionally involved with more than one person that I feel like some good conversations can be had.

Or no one will be interested and the thread will just die off again

We have learned a lot together too, simply by discussing everything.

What I've learned is that communication is vital, in any relationship. And so many people are inherently bad at communication.

 

[navytime09]

This was one of the first threads I subscribed to (it only took 9 years to learn how to do that), thanks so much for the revival, even if it was only to re-live the conversations. Thank you LGT and Tolyk, I am glad you invited us to watch this personal growth from afar by documenting a small piece of this impressive adventure. All of your happiness brings me happiness for you!!

 

[LostGirlTink]

This was one of the first threads I subscribed to (it only took 9 years to learn how to do that), thanks so much for the revival, even if it was only to re-live the conversations. Thank you LGT and Tolyk, I am glad you invited us to watch this personal growth from afar by documenting a small piece of this impressive adventure. All of your happiness brings me happiness for you!!

There’s still so much to discuss and learn! I’d love to continue the discussions.
We are pretty damn happy these days but it’s weird to navigate a relationship that doesn’t come with familiar roadmaps

 

[LostGirlTink]

Bumping to talk to myself again, random
Musings sometimes help me make sense of my thoughts.
I’ve learned so much since I started this thread..mostly how little I knew or understood.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are many people out there that are probably poly but just don’t realize it. Look at all the people here on lit who have a spouse at home that knows nothing about lit, but have developed a meaningful relationship with someone here. The difference is that in polyamory it’s all in the open.
I do wonder what makes some people polyamorous and some monogamous.

 

[Richard_C]

I haven't read much of the thread. I'll go back and check out some of the other posts. I truly believe that this is a lifestyle that I could embrace. Deep down to my core I do not get jealous and never have. If the person that I am truly in love with, deeply committed to and head over heels for wants to have some intimate fun with a friend, then I am good with it. I truly am. I think fear is a big inhibitor here, and I am not big on fear either. It is what it is.

I also believe just as we as parents love more than 1 child, we are more than capable of loving more than one person. There would certainly need to be discussion of some boundaries. I wouldn't want a woman I am deeply involved in tossing her cat at everyone in town. However, if everything were in the open, I would be supportive and welcome it.

Last thought for now, I don't know if I would incorporate this into my family life. I'm not sure I'd want to have multiple wives, gf around my young children. Once they are grown, maybe I'd be open to a living arrangement, but I'm not sure.

Oh, I also think in poly relationships, there is exposure on men with multiple wives, but not the other way around. Hey, I'm all for a woman having 3 hubbies if that's what she wants.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Last thought for now, I don't know if I would incorporate this into my family life. I'm not sure I'd want to have multiple wives, gf around my young children. Once they are grown, maybe I'd be open to a living arrangement, but I'm not sure.

I’m really curious as to your thinking on this. I’ve met Tolyk’s children. His oldest and 2 youngest anyway. His wife has welcomed me into their home, cooked for me and hugged me.
His kids are darling and I adore them. I talk to them on the phone occasionally.
I suppose if you had a ton of partners or casual ones I understand the caution but if there were someone committed in your life why would you be reticent to include them in it?

 

[Richard_C]

I’m really curious as to your thinking on this. I’ve met Tolyk’s children. His oldest and 2 youngest anyway. His wife has welcomed me into their home, cooked for me and hugged me.
His kids are darling and I adore them. I talk to them on the phone occasionally.
I suppose if you had a ton of partners or casual ones I understand the caution but if there were someone committed in your life why would you be reticent to include them in it?

I suppose each situation is unique. I didn't grow up in this. So, it's not a common or typical arrangement for my family. It would be new and hard to explain. The more I think about it I might be more interested in ethical non-monogamous rather than a true poly arrangement. Though, we either, I think at the core is jealousy. If that exists at all, then trouble will ensue.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Bumping to talk to myself again, random
Musings sometimes help me make sense of my thoughts.
I’ve learned so much since I started this thread..mostly how little I knew or understood.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are many people out there that are probably poly but just don’t realize it. Look at all the people here on lit who have a spouse at home that knows nothing about lit, but have developed a meaningful relationship with someone here. The difference is that in polyamory it’s all in the open.
I do wonder what makes some people polyamorous and some monogamous.

Learning about polyamory was so eye opening for me. I had struggled to most of my life with how I felt about people and thinking I was wrong for loving people other than my husband. So recognizing in my 30s (and after being married for almost 20 years) that I wasn't wrong to have those feelings was huge!

Unfortunately Hubby is not geared that way. He is mono to his core. But we have found a balance that allows me to make the emotional connections that are fulfilling for me while respecting his views on fidelity.

As to the young children aspect, I can understand how an alternative lifestyle can be confusing to young children especially if you live in a predominantly conservative area. So I can see waiting until they are older before bringing the subject up. My kids are in their teens and we are beginning to talk about various lifestyles and love/relationship models.

 

[hpycpl]

I think the discussion could only happen if she were to find it out on her own. I don’t think I could even nudge her in the right direction. I have tried in the past to have her read articles on dealing with an introvert. How to better understand me. I’ve encouraged personality “tests”, to learn how we both tick.

It doesn’t go well. Usually no interest. She is convinced I am just depressed and that I should take some medicine.

What personality tests are you referring to?
Is there something on-line or is it something you had "made up"?

 

[Shi_One81]

I’m really curious as to your thinking on this. I’ve met Tolyk’s children. His oldest and 2 youngest anyway. His wife has welcomed me into their home, cooked for me and hugged me.
His kids are darling and I adore them. I talk to them on the phone occasionally.
I suppose if you had a ton of partners or casual ones I understand the caution but if there were someone committed in your life why would you be reticent to include them in it?

On the children part, I’m super overly protective. I was with Cj almost 2 yrs and my daughter had no idea mommy even had a boyfriend. Same for my husband, she didn’t meet him until he asked me to marry him. I have a cousin who introduces her kids to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that looks her way. That’s not something I’m personally okay with. Our marriage is open and there’s no way in hell she’d ever meet anyone we were involved with. I keep that all separate.

I’m with Ricky on the women getting to have multiple men rather than the man having multiple women. I’m not into women at all and I have no desire for my husband to have a girlfriend. However, he feels differently when it comes to me and wants me to have someone else in my life - mainly due to his job (he’s gone a lot) and his age (his sex drive is nowhere near mine). I guess I’m still learning the difference between poly and open and what would be best for us.

I feel like I’m gonna get so much hate, but I’m hitting submit anyway... lol

 

[tolyk]

On the children part, I’m super overly protective. I was with Cj almost 2 yrs and my daughter had no idea mommy even had a boyfriend. Same for my husband, she didn’t meet him until he asked me to marry him. I have a cousin who introduces her kids to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that looks her way. That’s not something I’m personally okay with. Our marriage is open and there’s no way in hell she’d ever meet anyone we were involved with. I keep that all separate.

I’m with Ricky on the women getting to have multiple men rather than the man having multiple women. I’m not into women at all and I have no desire for my husband to have a girlfriend. However, he feels differently when it comes to me and wants me to have someone else in my life - mainly due to his job (he’s gone a lot) and his age (his sex drive is nowhere near mine). I guess I’m still learning the difference between poly and open and what would be best for us.

I feel like I’m gonna get so much hate, but I’m hitting submit anyway... lol

No hate.

My ex wife did that, introduced every boyfriend to my kids. No matter how transient the relationship was. It didn't do good things for them. I don't disagree with what you are saying at all.


And in regards to Tink having met my kids, they absolutely adore her. I wouldn't have it any other way.

My kids overhear me on the phone with Tink sometimes too. One such occassion was when I was saying bye. My son looked up at me and asked, "Was that Tink?"

I said, "Yes it was, how'd you know?"

His response made me smile, "Because you said I love you."

He's 7. He understands. He gets that me loving other people doesn't diminish from how much I love him. Or his sister. I don't hide my relationship with Tink from my family. Though, it was harder to tell my 18 year old son about it than it was my younger children. But I did that too.

 

[beachbaby179]

He's 7. He understands.

Kids are so loving. So open. So non-judgmental. They learn all the judgy stuff from others. I wish we could all stay like that.

 

[PNWKitten]

I couldn't live this life and I've asked myself why..I think it boils down to sense of self and insecurities. The other person being prettier, younger, smarter, better in bed etc etc...
I absolutely hate to admit it publicly let alone to myself, but I wonder how many others may feel the same way.

 

[LostGirlTink]

I couldn't live this life and I've asked myself why..I think it boils down to sense of self and insecurities. The other person being prettier, younger, smarter, better in bed etc etc...
I absolutely hate to admit it publicly let alone to myself, but I wonder how many others may feel the same way.

I understand this... it’s involved me reframing my thinking in some ways.
I don’t compete. It’s not a competition.
We both have what we need and while occasionally there’s things I don’t need or want to know too much about, him having a happy life, all of his life, makes me happy.
What he has with her is different and that doesn’t mean that if life were different that I might not want different things, I don’t know... but she is pretty, younger than me, smart.., I assume great in bed, he has good taste.
That doesn’t mean I have to stress about that because he also loves all those things about me.
It’s beem a journey

 

[inkandiridiumnibs]

Bumping to talk to myself again, random

I’ve come to the conclusion that there are many people out there that are probably poly but just don’t realize it. Look at all the people here on lit who have a spouse at home that knows nothing about lit, but have developed a meaningful relationship with someone here. The difference is that in polyamory it’s all in the open.
I do wonder what makes some people polyamorous and some monogamous.

I feel that when you look beyond the "Sex" aspect, and just look at the "Relationship" aspect, you will find that there really are more Poly Relationships out there than people give credit to. I was in a discussion over Discord not long ago, where a couple were talking about how they were getting together with So and So, and how this couple was going to be joining them and that they needed to make sure they had enough extra sheets and blankets etc for the weekend. There was no Sex planned, nor even intended, but as I talked to them it became clear that this was about 4 pairs of couples that had intertwined their lives together so much, they were as close nit as a strongly nit large blood family. Just because none of them were having sex with any of the others really didn't matter one bit. Every single one of them would have been there to support, care for, and help each other without even thinking about it. They interchanged who hung out with who, regardless of gender, based simply on the task or event. The foodies of the group had their weekly night out to try a new restaurant, the non foodies of the group got together on that night to play online games together, The bookworms had their book chats, the movie buffs had theirs, and it all intertwined, melded and meshed together, again, regardless of gender.

To me, that is how Poly works. In the group above for instance, I mostly get included in the Smut Hounds, and we can joke and flirt and tease, comfortably knowing no one is going to get hurt, but I also get along with the Ace crowd, which really makes up 2/3rds of that group. But that night, when we were talking about it, the common answer was "Nah, there isn't anyone else I want to have sex with, X is the only one who really does it for me". Why should that be a limiting factor to the Poly relationship?

 

[LostGirlTink]

I feel that when you look beyond the "Sex" aspect, and just look at the "Relationship" aspect, you will find that there really are more Poly Relationships out there than people give credit to. I was in a discussion over Discord not long ago, where a couple were talking about how they were getting together with So and So, and how this couple was going to be joining them and that they needed to make sure they had enough extra sheets and blankets etc for the weekend. There was no Sex planned, nor even intended, but as I talked to them it became clear that this was about 4 pairs of couples that had intertwined their lives together so much, they were as close nit as a strongly nit large blood family. Just because none of them were having sex with any of the others really didn't matter one bit. Every single one of them would have been there to support, care for, and help each other without even thinking about it. They interchanged who hung out with who, regardless of gender, based simply on the task or event. The foodies of the group had their weekly night out to try a new restaurant, the non foodies of the group got together on that night to play online games together, The bookworms had their book chats, the movie buffs had theirs, and it all intertwined, melded and meshed together, again, regardless of gender.

To me, that is how Poly works. In the group above for instance, I mostly get included in the Smut Hounds, and we can joke and flirt and tease, comfortably knowing no one is going to get hurt, but I also get along with the Ace crowd, which really makes up 2/3rds of that group. But that night, when we were talking about it, the common answer was "Nah, there isn't anyone else I want to have sex with, X is the only one who really does it for me". Why should that be a limiting factor to the Poly relationship?

This is beautiful and a key tenet of what I think real polyamory entails.
I think I’d the stories, the fables, the folklore and the fairy tales we all grew up with were different the perspectives of society would be different.

I’d love to see more focus placed on the relationships that bring value to a life rather than solely focusing on the relationship that is sexual in nature.

At lunch the other day friends were talking about whether or not men and women should have friends of the opposite sex. It was eye opening to see how many people were willing to abandon years long valued friend because a new romantic partner wanted that. I was appalled.

Because he’s poly and I’m not I often get asked if I get jealous.
Of course I do.
I’m human. Most humans experience some jealousy.
I was jealous of his damn cat the other day because the cat was getting snuggles...
but I realize that his love isn’t finite. Just because he loves other people doesn’t mean they are getting the love that’s “mine”
That’s for me.
And so I roll my eyes at myself and sometimes we fight cause I’m out of sorts or sometimes I just find something to distract myself with...