Poly...When 3 is not a Crowd.

[AlwaysFara]

Many years ago, my husband and I had another guy living with us. It never was really planned to turn into an almost every weekend 'share sassy' kind of thing. But it did. My husband has never declared himself bi. Neither of us like titles for that matter. But it was more about sharing me for my pleasure. Eventually, I did love them both. There were nights we slept in the same bed, (but I got claustrophobic being in the middle) we'd cook dinner, joke around, have fun and I thought "I could get used to this" My husband has never been the jealous type. He was never insecure. If I look back on it now, I think a lot of why he did it was because on some level, he knew I needed more. In the end, he admitted he liked watching also. But eventually, the other guy fell in love with me and wanted me for himself. Something we'd talked heavily about being a big 'not gonna happen' before even going into it.
One night after an angry rage of trying to bust our bedroom door down and telling me to come with him, or he was leaving.. (He was gone that night) That ended.

But it taught me a lot about sharing and loving more than one person. Because I am that jealous bitch type. I know it's possible with the right person/couple. It takes a lot of security, communication, an honesty. I think if I was to try it now, I'd rather try it with another woman though. Funny as that sounds, because of my jealousy. But I am learning a lot about how the right people don't make you jealous. They are open and honest. Trust is huge.

Going to NY to meet Fara was a big reminder of what I missed with other females.

(Disclaimer for the pervs... WE did not fuck)

Just laying in bed cuddling with her and talking, was better for my soul then weeks of therapy.

Also, dammit

I was so happy to have me you two that weekend. seriously, best GF weekend ever.

We snuggled.

 

[cowslinger64]

Many years ago, my husband and I had another guy living with us. It never was really planned to turn into an almost every weekend 'share sassy' kind of thing. But it did. My husband has never declared himself bi. Neither of us like titles for that matter. But it was more about sharing me for my pleasure. Eventually, I did love them both. There were nights we slept in the same bed, (but I got claustrophobic being in the middle) we'd cook dinner, joke around, have fun and I thought "I could get used to this" My husband has never been the jealous type. He was never insecure. If I look back on it now, I think a lot of why he did it was because on some level, he knew I needed more. In the end, he admitted he liked watching also. But eventually, the other guy fell in love with me and wanted me for himself. Something we'd talked heavily about being a big 'not gonna happen' before even going into it.
One night after an angry rage of trying to bust our bedroom door down and telling me to come with him, or he was leaving.. (He was gone that night) That ended.

But it taught me a lot about sharing and loving more than one person. Because I am that jealous bitch type. I know it's possible with the right person/couple. It takes a lot of security, communication, an honesty. I think if I was to try it now, I'd rather try it with another woman though. Funny as that sounds, because of my jealousy. But I am learning a lot about how the right people don't make you jealous. They are open and honest. Trust is huge.

Going to NY to meet Fara was a big reminder of what I missed with other females.

(Disclaimer for the pervs... WE did not fuck)

Just laying in bed cuddling with her and talking, was better for my soul then weeks of therapy.

Psssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss... (the sound of 50 boners disappearing)

 

[BadAmy]

Message me anytime!!

My husband and I have an open marriage. As long as we don't have secrets and let the other one know when we are talking to or getting close to someone else, there are not issues. He has been with several other women with me, and has had other relationships as well. I encourage it because for the most part, I enjoy when he is with someone else.

This right here.
I can relate to this. Knowing the one I love is enjoying themselves, makes me even more happy.

I don't have jealous thing myself, but an honesty thing.
with any relationship. No secrets. that is crucial to its survival.

 

[Erotically_Yours]

Everyone’s dynamics are going to be different regardless of the number of people involved. Honest and open communication is key for ANY successful relationship. However, that becomes doubly so when you open your relationship to others. Trust is the very foundation from which loving relationships are built. If you have trouble trusting a person, or have a hard time with jealousy, then you absolutely should not consider an open relationship.

Fourteen of the sixteen years I was married was as an open marriage. Our dynamic was simple: we were each other’s #1. The king and queen of the kingdom, if you will. I was free to pursue women, but not other men. He was free to pursue whomever he wished (I didn’t care). My only requirement was that he tells me about any and all other relationships. In other words, no secrets.

Secrets is what lead to the downfall of my marriage. Despite my world being literally turned upside down as a result, I still think that poly relationships can and do work. I don’t regret the times we had. Not just the sex (which was incredible at times) but also how open and honest we were and the constant communication between us. I just wish he had kept to his word.

A friend once told me that love is the world’s oldest curse. It’s the one thing everyone seeks that is guaranteed to end in tragedy one way or another. That is why I focus more on the journey, the feelings of the here and now, than the destination. I regret nothing from my marriage. Even though I was shattered and broken following my divorce, I have since reforged myself and am now stronger as a result.

 

[BadAmy]

Everyone’s dynamics are going to be different regardless of the number of people involved. Honest and open communication is key for ANY successful relationship. However, that becomes doubly so when you open your relationship to others. Trust is the very foundation from which loving relationships are built. If you have trouble trusting a person, or have a hard time with jealousy, then you absolutely should not consider an open relationship.

Fourteen of the sixteen years I was married was as an open marriage. Our dynamic was simple: we were each other’s #1. The king and queen of the kingdom, if you will. I was free to pursue women, but not other men. He was free to pursue whomever he wished (I didn’t care). My only requirement was that he tells me about any and all other relationships. In other words, no secrets.

Secrets is what lead to the downfall of my marriage. Despite my world being literally turned upside down as a result, I still think that poly relationships can and do work. I don’t regret the times we had. Not just the sex (which was incredible at times) but also how open and honest we were and the constant communication between us. I just wish he had kept to his word.

A friend once told me that love is the world’s oldest curse. It’s the one thing everyone seeks that is guaranteed to end in tragedy one way or another. That is why I focus more on the journey, the feelings of the here and now, than the destination. I regret nothing from my marriage. Even though I was shattered and broken following my divorce, I have since reforged myself and am now stronger as a result.

Excellent post.
Xxo

 

[navytime09]

Everyone’s dynamics are going to be different regardless of the number of people involved. Honest and open communication is key for ANY successful relationship. However, that becomes doubly so when you open your relationship to others. Trust is the very foundation from which loving relationships are built. If you have trouble trusting a person, or have a hard time with jealousy, then you absolutely should not consider an open relationship.

Fourteen of the sixteen years I was married was as an open marriage. Our dynamic was simple: we were each other’s #1. The king and queen of the kingdom, if you will. I was free to pursue women, but not other men. He was free to pursue whomever he wished (I didn’t care). My only requirement was that he tells me about any and all other relationships. In other words, no secrets.

Secrets is what lead to the downfall of my marriage. Despite my world being literally turned upside down as a result, I still think that poly relationships can and do work. I don’t regret the times we had. Not just the sex (which was incredible at times) but also how open and honest we were and the constant communication between us. I just wish he had kept to his word.

A friend once told me that love is the world’s oldest curse. It’s the one thing everyone seeks that is guaranteed to end in tragedy one way or another. That is why I focus more on the journey, the feelings of the here and now, than the destination. I regret nothing from my marriage. Even though I was shattered and broken following my divorce, I have since reforged myself and am now stronger as a result.

X 2

Trust is SO understated and often overlooked (I did till you pointed it out).

I agree about the curse, like GoT says 'Love is the end of duty.' Love is an idea that you have to give yourself over to 100% without knowing exactly what you will be getting back in return.

Expectations are something as well that, if mismanaged can lead to a discomfortable situation.

Thank you for sharing

 

[LostGirlTink]

Just call me "Princess of Multi-Quote"

Yeah, that’s another thing. There is still a stigma in society, especially if there are kids involved.
I know for a fact that my family member’s parents will NEVER know. Which makes holidays tough for the poly relationships.

There are people in my life that would never understand, but considering we are an international LDR, and they will meet him when he comes here, the ones who wouldn't be accepting will likely never know.
There are plenty of people in my life that I wouldn't have to hide it from and I'm ok with sharing those parts of my life with him.

I like the concept. That love is infinite and we can include others, but like Fara, I'm a jealous crazy bitch and dont think I could handle sharing.

So far this is hardest part for me, but I've come to realize that our relationship is OURS and has nothing to do with theirs. I don't quite know how to put that into words. Part of why I wanted the thread.

But it taught me a lot about sharing and loving more than one person. Because I am that jealous bitch type. I know it's possible with the right person/couple. It takes a lot of security, communication, an honesty. I think if I was to try it now, I'd rather try it with another woman though. Funny as that sounds, because of my jealousy. But I am learning a lot about how the right people don't make you jealous. They are open and honest. Trust is huge.

Going to NY to meet Fara was a big reminder of what I missed with other females.

(Disclaimer for the pervs... WE did not fuck)

Just laying in bed cuddling with her and talking, was better for my soul then weeks of therapy.

Trust is huge. Yes. YES. In any relationship but I think in this it can't happen without it.
I have trust issues. Full transparency has been really important.

That last sentence, about cuddling and talking being as valuable as it is, was like what it was like for me and Indie. Time with a good girlfriend is worth more than gold.

I suppose I should chime in here too. I'm the LD third person in a poly relationship. That in and of its self makes things harder, because I can't be there for weekends, holidays, etc. But we make it work; I see Kat as much as possible. And we are a part of each others daily routine; I talk to Kat more than any other person. And I think that is the biggest part of WHY it works; we talk. About life, love, movies, music, food, stupid stuff. Kat is always there for me, and I am there for her. Even without the physical (which we both enjoy), the romantic (which we also enjoy), there is that connection. She is my best friend, my companion, my partner, my love, my heart.

This. This for me is goals. <3

We snuggled.

Hey... jealous.

This right here.
I can relate to this. Knowing the one I love is enjoying themselves, makes me even more happy.

I don't have jealous thing myself, but an honesty thing.
with any relationship. No secrets. that is crucial to its survival.

See, I don't have the wanting to know about it part.
The honest and no secrets part yes.

Trust is the very foundation from which loving relationships are built. If you have trouble trusting a person, or have a hard time with jealousy, then you absolutely should not consider an open relationship.

Food for thought.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I've done it to be close to someone I care about.

It's a lot of work. YMMV.

 

[Erotically_Yours]

:Expectations are something as well that, if mismanaged can lead to a discomfortable situation.

Absolutely. You want expectations to be clear, and the sooner you lay them out, the better off you'll be. This is what I realized after year 2 of my marriage where my need for a woman's touch became unbearable to the point of losing sleep and having migraines. My husband had no clue I liked girls, and it was my mistake to not be forthcoming with that information in the beginning. I thought that having just him was all I needed. I was wrong. After a long, agonizing talk, he came to the realization that what women provided for me was something that he himself could not, and in a lot of ways, the opposite was also true. So, that's how it came to be. Once our expectations were clearly laid out, every part of our marriage improved. Romance, communication, connection, trust, and yes sex too.

So far this is hardest part for me, but I've come to realize that our relationship is OURS and has nothing to do with theirs. I don't quite know how to put that into words. Part of why I wanted the thread.

It's much like the widow who marries again. Their love for the deceased does not change, and the new person in their life is completely different. When the three meet in the afterlife, what happens then? The same thing that would happen if they were all alive.

 

[SassySheDevil]

Ok so my question for the people familiar with this.

For those who typically have his relationship, do most live together, or is it often apart like Tinks situation?

I guess actually that's the first question. Cause some of the others might answer themselves with this answer.

 

[DarkSimian]

Ok so my question for the people familiar with this.

For those who typically have his relationship, do most live together, or is it often apart like Tinks situation?

I guess actually that's the first question. Cause some of the others might answer themselves with this answer.

I would surmise Tink and I are the anomalies. I'm sure it would be much easier if the people involved lived in the same town, or at least state. I'm certainly getting my frequent flyer miles...

 

[SassySheDevil]

I would surmise Tink and I are the anomalies. I'm sure it would be much easier if the people involved lived in the same town, or at least state. I'm certainly getting my frequent flyer miles...

Ok but same town and same state would even change my question. Same house is what I'm curious about I think.

 

[justasimplegirl]

What does YMMV mean?

 

[barefootgirl69]

What does YMMV mean?

Your mileage may vary

 

[justasimplegirl]

Your mileage may vary

Yep, I'd have never figured that out. Thanks!

 

[Erotically_Yours]

Ok but same town and same state would even change my question. Same house is what I'm curious about I think.

From my exchanges with many different couples who live this type of lifestyle and relationship, all parties living under one roof usually only applies to triads (three people in love with each other on equal terms), which in and of themselves are pretty rare. I knew a woman here years ago who was married to her husband, but then later (unofficially by government standards) married a woman who then also married her husband. What started as an open marriage evolved into a triad marriage. Her husband and wife ended up having two kids (twins) while she herself was infertile. To my knowledge, they are still together.

In my own experience, my relationships with other women while married to my husband were completely separate. My husband and I had our house, the women had their own place and sometimes also had a boyfriend/husband. If they did have someone else, I required that both the woman and her SO knew what we were up to. I'm no homewrecker. Girls would occasionally sleep over, but nothing evolved to where they moved in, though I'm sure with the right person it could have. I can't say if being in close proximity has any positive or negative effects as opposed to long distance relationships because the furthest away one of my lovers lived was only an hour and a half away. At a guess, I would think long distance relationships would be harder due to not having a constant physical relationship, but there are many people, like DarkSimian and Tink, who make it work.

In the end, it's all about what you're willing to put into a relationship and what you get out of it in return. When effort far exceeds reward, that's when problems start.

 

[navytime09]

Ok so my question for the people familiar with this.

For those who typically have his relationship, do most live together, or is it often apart like Tinks situation?

I guess actually that's the first question. Cause some of the others might answer themselves with this answer.

Having someone move in would be a giant step but not one out of the question in a truly committed relationship.

We've never gone that far but we did get to 'play house' once. The wife's friend was getting ready to transfer and because of the timeline had to move out of her apartment a month early. We were all pretty close and had room in our place at the time so we offered to let her stay with us. It was so much fun, like a sleepover every night. It was also nice not to have to hide or sneak around what we were doing from the nosy neighbors. The best part by far were the dinners. For some reason we put a lot of effort into making special meals almost every night. I don't know if it was because the time we were going to spend together was limited or because of one extra head meant the meal was somehow more important but I remember so much time spent in the kitchen.

I think I would be open to doing it on a permanent basis but it would have to be with someone really special and probably once all the kids have grown and moved away. That month of sharing our home with someone was fun but I also remember how hard it was saying goodbye, for all of us. There was a definite re-adjustment period were the house felt very quiet.

Right now, we have a small group of satellite friends who bounce around doing their own thing but keep coming back around every so often. We play when we can and enjoy the quiet when we can't. We don't go looking for trouble, just let it find us.

Like Ricky Baker said, "I didn't choose the skuxx life, the skuxx life chose me."

 

[janeyl]

For someone who is in an openly non monogomous primary relationship, I couldn't contemplate moving to a poly arrangement...not through insecurity but for a couple of reasons...one is that I struggle sometimes with giving enough of myself to provide the necessary attention for one person let alone another...

I also think I would struggle with the levels of intimacy involved in being committed to more than one person, I'd probably find it suffocating

And the thought of sharing my space with someone else if it went that far just fills me with horror...I truly am an antisocial extrovert...just too insular, selfish of my time and in need of my own space that even a long distance further significant other is just too much to contemplate...

How we do it, with great friends we play with on a more intimate but ultimately boundariedand time limited way or sometimes passing strangers at clubs or parties which is a purely sexual abandoned experience works for me on both an emotional and physical level...

 

[LostGirlTink]

For someone who is in an openly non monogomous primary relationship, I couldn't contemplate moving to a poly arrangement...not through insecurity but for a couple of reasons...one is that I struggle sometimes with giving enough of myself to provide the necessary attention for one person let alone another...

I also think I would struggle with the levels of intimacy involved in being committed to more than one person, I'd probably find it suffocating

And the thought of sharing my space with someone else if it went that far just fills me with horror...I truly am an antisocial extrovert...just too insular, selfish of my time and in need of my own space that even a long distance further significant other is just too much to contemplate...

How we do it, with great friends we play with on a more intimate but ultimately boundariedand time limited way or sometimes passing strangers at clubs or parties which is a purely sexual abandoned experience works for me on both an emotional and physical level...

Interesting perspective and very valid.
The part I bolded is part of why I don't think I, myself, am poly. For me it wouldn't be a matter of suffocation, but more that there wouldn't feel like enough of me to go around. That I'd feel like I did when my kids were little and I also had a very demanding job. That I was somehow letting EVERYONE down by not giving enough of myself to anyone.
I can see me struggling with that. Plus when I'm romantically involved with someone I don't really SEE anyone else that way.

 

[Leigh81]

I for one don't like labels but I guess I would describe our relationship as a kind of triad. We experimented & explored different avenues of sexuality with others but this is what we have found as a perfect fit. Having another woman in our lives.

I have no desire whatsoever of being with another man. My husband is all I need but I do enjoy my bi side. I met Ashley in Feb. of '15 & quickly became good friends. Ash ended a long term relationship about 6 months before I met her & she was bi curious. I already had permission to explore my bi side so we started to get sexual with each other. I was her first woman, she was my second. My husband didn't get involved until several months later. This entire situation moved slowly & evolved into what it is today. We could never have started where we are now.

The only reason my husband got involved in the first place was because she was wanting to be with a man but didn't want to give me up. If another man came into her life then we'd be over sexually.
This was the toughest part of this journey, at least for me, sharing my husband. It took time for me to get over my jealousy.

Then just before Labor day 2016 she moved into our house & into her own room. Our triad type relationship is not based on sex. The 3 of us are very confident business professionals, we don't play head games & have had zero drama since she's moved in.
My husband & I enjoy a very good sex life together. The two of them rarely get together without me present & seems to only happen now if I'm at our other place out of the country. We usually have Friday evenings all together which I call our "fun night".

Eventually I feel she'll want a man in her life & when that happens our situation will end. No chance of her bringing someone else into this equation. We'll always be friends but not sexually. When it does end, I can't say what exactly will happen but this situation won't be repeated. To me this is one in a million & we're so very lucky on how well it's working.
Also, I can't have kids & she doesn't want any so that is a big plus on this working the way it has. I feel like I have the best of both worlds. I'm married to the man of my dreams & also have love with someone I care for very, very much.

L

 

[LostGirlTink]

I feel like I have the best of both worlds. I'm married to the man of my dreams & also have love with someone I care for very, very much.

L

Leigh, hi, thanks! I've seen you around for a while but we've never really interacted, I hate labels to, but I think what I find them helpful with is starting conversations. Thanks for sharing. I do have a question, why would things have had to end if she wanted to be with another man?

 

[NorthRockJohnson]

I get the appeal but it's definitely not for me. Once I'm in it with someone I'm basically just into them. The idea of them with another dude doesn't at all appeal to me.

The possibility of threesomes has come up multiple times, though, in past relationships. My problem is that I always end up with someone who says some variation of "I could never share you" or "Oh yeah, I used to be really into that but not anymore." And I'm sitting here totally down to clown, really wanting to explore, and trying to think of a tactful way to get her to call up her drunken bisexual friend. So to speak. Lol

 

[Leigh81]

Leigh, hi, thanks! I've seen you around for a while but we've never really interacted, I hate labels to, but I think what I find them helpful with is starting conversations. Thanks for sharing. I do have a question, why would things have had to end if she wanted to be with another man?

If she were to start a relationship with a man then I don't think it would be fair for her to continue with me (us). She's only going to leave for a relationship, not for sexual reasons. It wouldn't be healthy for their new relationship. My husband & I aren't interested in bringing in anyone else.

 

[LostGirlTink]

If she were to start a relationship with a man then I don't think it would be fair for her to continue with me (us). She's only going to leave for a relationship, not for sexual reasons. It wouldn't be healthy for their new relationship. My husband & I aren't interested in bringing in anyone else.

That makes sense. I just wasn't sure what the thinking was. Thank you!

 

[curvyangel1969]

I get the appeal but it's definitely not for me. Once I'm in it with someone I'm basically just into them. The idea of them with another dude doesn't at all appeal to me.

The possibility of threesomes has come up multiple times, though, in past relationships. My problem is that I always end up with someone who says some variation of "I could never share you" or "Oh yeah, I used to be really into that but not anymore." And I'm sitting here totally down to clown, really wanting to explore, and trying to think of a tactful way to get her to call up her drunken bisexual friend. So to speak. Lol

no matter how your conversations start by the end I'm always laughing.
good job dude. btw nice to see your face.