Park etiquette question

[BlackShanglan]

(It would need to be a live puppy.)

I admire your dedication to precision.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Have you considered the armpit fart? Walking at a brisk clip while producing armpit farts would bring a smile to the lips of the most abjectly terrified consitutionalist, I am sure.

I saw a guy on TV who could play "Turkey In the Straw" in just such a way.

I'll wager he was welcomed wherever he chose to go, at whatever pace he chose to travel.

 

[cloudy]

Have you considered the armpit fart? Walking at a brisk clip while producing armpit farts would bring a smile to the lips of the most abjectly terrified consitutionalist, I am sure.

I saw a guy on TV who could play "Turkey In the Straw" in just such a way.

I'll wager he was welcomed wherever he chose to go, at whatever pace he chose to travel.

That visual!

Thank you, Zoot.

 

[shereads]

Wear it with the sound turned off and a look of concentration on your face.

Well. If we're going with fakery as a stragegy, why stop with a soundless iPod? Carry a fake baby. Babies are almost as disarming as puppies, and the fake ones have certain advantages that could make them better suited to your purpose.

(1) Babies, unlike puppies, can sleep while being walked. If someone wants to coo over your fake baby, just hiss, "It's sleeping, for chrissake! Don't touch it."

(2) You can keep your fake baby mostly hidden by carrying it one of those reverse backpack contraptions. Only the dangling feet will show. If a whole baby proves cumbersome, you could try carrying only the feet and faking the rest of the baby by stuffing the carrier with crumpled tissue paper.

If you really want to be left alone to enjoy nature, don't even attempt to disguise your fake baby. Carry it proudly, by the head or feet. And dare anyone to approach you.