Be Tough

pink_silk_glove

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When I was about fourteen, my family met up with my Mom's brothers and sisters and their families in the Okanagan. It's a summer lake resort-y type of place. We brought our campers and for a few days we hung out on the beach, did the water slide thing, all that. One afternoon we got together to do what many people do there and that was to raft down the canal. Now this is not white water at all. You take any inflatable inner tube or what not and you lazily go with the calm current in the sun. There are like twenty of us, aunts uncles cousins, in an armada of rafts and inner tubes making our way along. It's a hot sunny day, thirty-degrees-plus. We don't quite have enough water craft for everyone and our raft is crowded, so I take off my sandals and jump into the water. It's no problem, as I can swim, the water is really nice and the family flotilla is doing maybe two miles per hour. And if I really do need a break along the way I can always just grab onto the side for a minute or two, not to mention that we're never more than ten or twenty feet from shore. My Mom got upset. I must have splashed a bit or something, but the way that I saw it, it was more comfortable for everyone with less people in the boat and I didn't mind at all.

After a couple of hours, we reach the end of the canal. Before hand, we had parked a couple of our cars in the parking lot at the south end so that we could drive back to the campground. I swim to shore. Everyone pulls the rafts and tubes out of the water, carries them up the slope and across the lot to the cars. I get to the top of the slope and suddenly I realize that I have a problem. The entire parking lot is a thick loose blanket of newly laid sharp gravel that's been roasting in the Okanagan sun all day - and my sandals are in the raft on the other side of the lot. perhaps it is my subliminal punishment for rebelliously jumping overboard to swim escort alongside the navy, but no one is the least bit interested in bringing me my sandals.

I stand there at the edge of the lot, looking at all that hot gravel, then at my bare feet, then the several yards distance across the lot, then the gravel again, my feet, the distance, analyzing, scheming, trying to figure out a way to do this with the least amount of hurt.

"Be tough."

I'm startled by the voice and I look down to my left to see my six-year-old cousin, his thick dark hair all dripping wet from playing in the water. He's got a serious look in his eyes, like he's Bruce Willis or Arnold Schwarzenegger challenging me to rise to the occasion. His been watching my eyes from the gravel to my feet to the cars and he knows exactly what my predicament is. He also has the answer.

No one owes me anything here. I'm on my own and I just gotta get the job done. He knows that I can do it too. I can't help but smile that my six-year-old cousin has the sage wisdom that I need. I take a deep breath and start walking. It hurts. I'm hissing and panting all the way, but I get there. My Mom even scolds me, reminding me that it's my own fault for jumping out of the raft in the first place. I don't know what the hell her problem is that day, but whatever. I made it and with no permanent damage.

It was not a pleasant experience, but in the grand scheme of life, it was a speck, a nothing. No big whoop. The next time someone scores your story a 1 or leaves a spiteful comment, just remember that in the grand scheme of even literotica, let alone the whole of life, it's a speck, a nothing. No one owes you anything. You can take it.

Be tough.
 
Or just ask somebody to pass you your sandals????
Humans are social animals, which is why we've succeeded as a species. We can communicate to solve problems, we don't have to suffer through them.

(Mind you, I had the same experience aged 9. School trip in Kenya, except none of us had shoes, and there were no vehicles waiting for us. We all had to walk 3 miles back to the campsite barefoot along dirt tracks carrying our inner tubes. There were a lot of thorns as I recall.)
 
Life rule #1. Life's not fair. Expect anything else and you in for disappointment.

Cagiovagurl
A corollary to this is: Do not judge yourself by others. It's a quick road to bitterness, and 95%(*) of it is down to luck anyway.

* - statistic yoinked from the Official Lesbanian Statistical Society's Annals. Lies, damn lies, etc.
 
All of the adages/rules/guidelines expressed in the thread are valid much of the time and have their place. I would add to the last one: Do not judge others by yourself. Others may have different circumstances and experiences. I think "be tough" is a pretty good lesson for writers, because it helps to have a thick skin to take criticism and to mix it up with authors who have different ideas and express themselves in different ways. But it shouldn't be used as an excuse not to be kind, which is just as important a lesson, maybe more important.


I also agree completely with Cagivagurl that life is not fair and that discarding the constant expectation of fairness is a good way to find peace with the world. At the same time, we can all do more to make life more fair for others. I'd summarize my attitude in the form of the Serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference (I'm not religious but it sounds better with "God" in it).
 
Corollary: people demanding toughness from others are usually jerks.

All cruel people describe themselves as paragons of frankness.
- Tennessee Williams


There’s virtue in developing a tougher skin. There’s more virtue in not being the reason people need thicker skins.
 
You need a training montage: You, awkwardly wobbling across the gravel, cursing. Then you doing so more steadily. Next you’re trotting confidently across the gravel, and again carrying a weighted backpack. Soon you’re sprinting like a gazelle, your sun-bronzed body alive with strength and ease, uncaring of the rugged surface. You’re beyond that now, that limitation that once shackled you. You’re free.
 
The way to think about the OP's topic, in my view, is to ask, what do I want to tell my kids? What lessons do I want them to absorb, to be successful, happy, and good people? "Be tough" is a good lesson for kids to learn, as long as it's in the context of learning other values and lessons as well. I want my kids to have the capacity to be tough, and sometimes that means they have to have experiences in life that toughen them and make them more prepared for life. OP offered one experience that was important to her. I can think of many such experiences for me. They were important to my becoming an adult.

As a matter of principle, it can apply in a variety of ways. For example, I believe, as a personal motto, the adage "Sticks and stones may break my bonds, but words can never hurt me," even though, strictly speaking, it's not always true. Words can hurt. It's good to learn to be able to deal with that kind of hurt, but that doesn't mean it's an excuse to disregard whether one's words might hurt another person.
 
"It costs nothing to be nice, but sometimes it's necessary to set people on fire for the good of the species." - A.A. Milne, in a letter to D.H. Lawrence
 
Corollary: people demanding toughness from others are usually jerks.

All cruel people describe themselves as paragons of frankness.
- Tennessee Williams


There’s virtue in developing a tougher skin. There’s more virtue in not being the reason people need thicker skins.
I'd rather adapt to the world, instead of demanding that the world adapts to me. I may succeed with the former attitude, but I'll sure as hell won't go anywhere with the latter.
 
I hope you forgive me if I take a step back from the discussion and focus on what's in OP's actual post, but I can't stop thinking about this:

"No one owes me anything here. I'm on my own and I just gotta get the job done." is a weird conclusion to draw while you're surrounded by family on a vacation, and don't want to get your feet burned and cut. So, I don't really get how this is a fitting example for "Sometimes, you just have to grow a thicker skin. Then you can deal with negative comments on your porn stories better!".
 
I'd rather adapt to the world, instead of demanding that the world adapts to me. I may succeed with the former attitude, but I'll sure as hell won't go anywhere with the latter.
You can do both. Don't necessarily expect kindness, but attempt to exercise it.

It's like when someone has had to endure a hardship, then sees another about to have to endure the same. You can have two responses to that. The first is, "If I had to deal with it, why shouldn't they?" The second, and my preferred one, is, "I had to endure that, so if I can help them from having to endure it, I'd like to." Callousness versus kindness. I'm not saying I'm perfect in that regard--or any regard, for that matter--but it's who I'd like to be, and it's who I'd like to raise my kids to be.
 
Okay, fair enough.

Wow, your family was harsh. I can't imagine making my kids do that.
 
There’s virtue in developing a tougher skin. There’s more virtue in not being the reason people need thicker skins.

Sure, but when someone else is being the reason for thicker skin, will you blame them while you suffer or will you just grow thicker skin?

It's called taking responsibility for your own feelings and well-being.
 
Sure, but when someone else is being the reason for thicker skin, will you blame them while you suffer or will you just grow thicker skin?

It's called taking responsibility for your own feelings and well-being.
Both? There's a reason I included that quote by Tennessee Williams. I can take responsibility for my feelings while also calling out someone for being an asshole.

"All cruel people describe themselves as paragons of frankness," is an apt description of people who confuse bluntness with honesty, or worse, cruelty with honesty. And I've noticed that, generally, the people that clap back at the idea that it's the person being criticized's fault for taking cruel comments with anything less than absolute stoicism are usually the biggest assholes and very often the most brittle participants in a space. They try to pull DARVO shit to avoid any actual accountability.

"I'm not being harsh, you're just being sensitive," occupies the number one spot in the abuser's handbook for a reason.
 
Both? There's a reason I included that quote by Tennessee Williams. I can take responsibility for my feelings while also calling out someone for being an asshole.

"All cruel people describe themselves as paragons of frankness," is an apt description of people who confuse bluntness with honesty, or worse, cruelty with honesty. And I've noticed that, generally, the people that clap back at the idea that it's the person being criticized's fault for taking cruel comments with anything less than absolute stoicism are usually the biggest assholes and very often the most brittle participants in a space. They try to pull DARVO shit to avoid any actual accountability.

"I'm not being harsh, you're just being sensitive," occupies the number one spot in the abuser's handbook for a reason.

Again sure, but that's generally not what we see on lit. We see a whole lot of people quick to point out and lash back at the abuser ... but still remain hurt. That's not doing both. That's not taking any responsibility for one's own feelings, that's still just blaming.

If I say "I'm hurt because of your bad behavior," I am admitting to myself that the way to feel better is for YOU to change your behavior or apologize in some way. But I can't control your behavior, so the chances of my feelings improving are 100% based on the whims of whether you change your behavior or not, whether you have the time and attention for me to even be able to do so, let alone the conscience, and if you do happen to be a sociopath or a sadist, I'm totally fucked. That is disempowering.

It's much more effective to base the improvement of your own feelings on things that you can control yourself. That's empowering. That's caring about yourself and loving yourself.
 
Again sure, but that's generally not what we see on lit. We see a whole lot of people quick to point out and lash back at the abuser ... but still remain hurt. That's not doing both. That's not taking any responsibility for one's own feelings, that's still just blaming.

If I say "I'm hurt because of your bad behavior," I am admitting to myself that the way to feel better is for YOU to change your behavior or apologize in some way. But I can't control your behavior, so the chances of my feelings improving are 100% based on the whims of whether you change your behavior or not, whether you have the time and attention for me to even be able to do so, let alone the conscience, and if you do happen to be a sociopath or a sadist, I'm totally fucked. That is disempowering.

It's much more effective to base the improvement of your own feelings on things that you can control yourself. That's empowering. That's caring about yourself and loving yourself.
Fair.
 
If I say "I'm hurt because of your bad behavior," I am admitting to myself that the way to feel better is for YOU to change your behavior or apologize in some way. But I can't control your behavior, so the chances of my feelings improving are 100% based on the whims of whether you change your behavior or not, whether you have the time and attention for me to even be able to do so, let alone the conscience, and if you do happen to be a sociopath or a sadist, I'm totally fucked. That is disempowering.
I'd say some of this is dependent on both context and the personalities involved.

Saying 'I'm hurt by that' can be a very strong, courageous, and honest statement. And it is an opportunity for an (honorable) person to learn something, maybe about you and your own thresholds, and a behavior they had not considered, an action that they did not imagine would cause harm but did. So it can be an educational fulcrum.

Toughness in a writer or artist is a valuable skill, and serves to protect your art, keep you level and moving in a positive direction. But I certainly know plenty of creative types who are anything but thick-skinned, the 'sensitive artist' is not just an archetype.
 
They try to pull DARVO shit to avoid any actual accountability.

"I'm not being harsh, you're just being sensitive," occupies the number one spot in the abuser's handbook for a reason.

Amen to this. "Develop a tougher skin" can be dangerous advice in some scenarios. That said, in the context of the OP's original post, it's fine:

The next time someone scores your story a 1 or leaves a spiteful comment, just remember that in the grand scheme of even literotica, let alone the whole of life, it's a speck, a nothing.

Yep. Shrug it off. Delete the comment, if it really bothers you. The worth of your art doesn't lie in some rando's comment or vote.
 
"That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
Sometimes. And sometimes it damages a person beyond repair. It's all in the construction and makeup of that person and the fire they've walked through. I've seen it go both ways. Some people came through the fire and were stronger because they learned something from the experience. I've seen others who were broken to a point where they couldn't piece themselves back together again. We have both kinds around us every day. Well, at least I do. Because of that, I believe we shouldn't react the same to everyone. Each has had their own experiences and those experiences have impacted that person in a certain way. And most times it isn't the same way as it would have been for me. So I try to be cognizant of who people are and how they react to others. Having said that, do I do it perfectly? I can only wish. And when I get it wrong it feels like a sliver shoved under my fingernail.
So I kind of agree with it, but not completely.

Sure, but when someone else is being the reason for thicker skin, will you blame them while you suffer or will you just grow thicker skin?

It's called taking responsibility for your own feelings and well-being.
My take on "a thicker skin" is the ability or learned behavior of being able to just ignore a thing. I don't do that. And I see no use for it except in very limited circumstances. For me, there are always questions and a search for meaning. Why? Is there anything of value there? Can I learn something from this? What was my part of it and did I do it as I should have? Those are the questions that follow any experience I have, be it a fistfight a verbal altercation or a gentle exchange of ideas. Being Tough to me isn't just ignoring things, or insulating ones-self to a point where things make no impact on one. It means that when you do get whacked by something, you have the toughness to absorb it, stand up and go back to what it was you were doing.

As far as my kids, I think Simon touched on how I feel about teaching them (correct me if I read this wrong). I tried to teach my kids about things like that, about life by allowing them to do things that were painful when they failed, or when they were wrong. BUT as a parent, my job was to be there and make sure that they didn't fall so hard that they did themselves permanent harm. How would I have handled the parking lot thing as a parent? I'd have probably told them to just buck up and get their ass to the car. Then I'd have taken them the sandals after they had taken a few steps with a, "Now you know why you shouldn't forget the damn things." Not a punishment for being a kid; a lesson to understand the consequences of one's actions. When dealing with my kids as kids and my grandson, I have always tried to remember what
I was like at that age. It helped me put into perspective and understand their actions.

Aw but I ramble; time to go.


Comshaw
 
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It's like when someone has had to endure a hardship, then sees another about to have to endure the same. You can have two responses to that.
No, there are many more. My preferred one is, "I had to endure that, so I'll have them become stronger so they can easier meet this, and other challenges." And like you, I'm not saying I always succeed at that, but that's what I'd be striving for.
 
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