Open this thread and you'll be sorry

[A Desert Rose]

No they haven't much...And they probably won't...
*sigh*
But, let me preface anything else with "opinion" that the fellow involved is a major wanker...
Yah know..if your sub/slave/pyl does something you don't like. Or can't live with..
Well hell..
Get on with it... Do whatever... Be pissed..Punish...Cut em loose if you have to.
But for the Gods sakes.. Don't piss and moan and whine on and on and on..
You lose all right to any respect as a Dominant, when you can't keep from sounding like someones mother, griping and nagging at a teenager.
Do it...Get it done...Get on with it..
I won't hazard a guess as to why he feels the need to have the girlfriend...But he is keeping you secret so she doesn't drop him like a rock...

Before I go any further...I guess two questions are in order...

Hmmm Did he have this "girlfriend" when you started your relationship with him? And did you know about her before you were involved?

Two I guess, is one of those things that you have to ask yourself....
If you knew it was going to piss him off... And you are desirous of maintaining a D/s relationship with him...Why did you do it?

Gimme a minute, please... I'm going to respond to this. It's just going to take me some time, ok?

 

[A Desert Rose]

First, I am so sorry that you're going through this. *hugs*

Second, if you know you don't share well, why'd you get in a relationship with a man who's got a girlfriend? It sounds, and I reserve the right to be wrong (please don't yell at me if I am) like you let lonliness rush you into a relationship that isn't right for you. You should miserable, not like you're fulfilled or getting anything out of this relationship. I understand you're 'crazy about him', so this is gonna suck, but I think you should let him go.

You are. To us, for one. To yourself. That's what you have to work on. Not getting someone else to tell you what you want. Find out what you want for yourself. Even if you can't get it ideally, figuring it out first and sticking to it is something you're going to need to get any relationship to work.

You're both right. I should let Him go. Why wait for Him to do it?

Somehow though, when I've tried to do this in the past, He has a way of talking me out of it. Don't ask me how... but He can do it. I just fold like a house of cards. Another of my character flaws...

 

[Recidiva]

You're right. I should let Him go. Why wait for Him to do it?

Somehow though, when I've tried to do this in the past, He has a way of talking me out of it. Don't ask me how... but He can do it. I just fold like a house of cards. Another of my character flaws...

Oooh! I'll talk to him! Me! memememe! Please?

 

[A Desert Rose]

Oooh! I'll talk to him! Me! memememe! Please?

LOL... I need your kind of backbone, doll.

Seriously.

 

[Recidiva]

LOL... I need your kind of backbone, doll.

Seriously.

Okay. Talk to me in PM. You be him. I be you. You can carry a crib sheet.

 

[Bunnydancer]

Oooh! I'll talk to him! Me! memememe! Please?

Or me. Please please let me do it.

 

[A Desert Rose]

No they haven't much...And they probably won't...
*sigh*
But, let me preface anything else with "opinion" that the fellow involved is a major wanker...
Yah know..if your sub/slave/pyl does something you don't like. Or can't live with..
Well hell..
Get on with it... Do whatever... Be pissed..Punish...Cut em loose if you have to.
But for the Gods sakes.. Don't piss and moan and whine on and on and on..
You lose all right to any respect as a Dominant, when you can't keep from sounding like someones mother, griping and nagging at a teenager.
Do it...Get it done...Get on with it..
I won't hazard a guess as to why he feels the need to have the girlfriend...But he is keeping you secret so she doesn't drop him like a rock...

Yes, I think He is afraid that if she finds out about me she will drop Him flat. Which reinforces my feelings that I'll never be special enough for Him.

Before I go any further...I guess two questions are in order...

Hmmm Did he have this "girlfriend" when you started your relationship with him? And did you know about her before you were involved?

Yes, I knew about the girlfriend. In fact, she came along AFTER me.

Two I guess, is one of those things that you have to ask yourself....
If you knew it was going to piss him off... And you are desirous of maintaining a D/s relationship with him...Why did you do it?

You know, after reading some of the posts in this thread, I think I did it as a means of kinda rebelling against Him and how He's treated me. I think now, that I was trying to get back at Him. That and I really didn't want a week's worth of bullshit from Him, too.

 

[bridgeburner]

ADR,

Yes, he was justified in his anger and yes you were trying to manipulate him so, yes, you were in the wrong, but it seems pretty clear that the reason these things are happening is because it's not a good match.

He stated what he wanted and you thought that was what you wanted and it turns out that's not so. That's nobody's fault, we learn as we go sometimes. Go find a man who is better suited to you and more in line with what you now know that you want.

For your own ego, make sure he's truly available first. Stealing away a man from some other woman doesn't make you better than her and if he chooses not to leave her for you it doesn't make you worse. Besides, a person who will break his word to a partner isn't a trustworthy person. Why would you want to place your heart, not to mention your physical safety, in the hands of someone who isn't trustworthy?

If you can't reconcile yourself to his other relationship and you can't accept his desire to control important aspects of your life like your job and your ability to freely associate with friends then this is not the Dom for you because those are clearly things that he adamantly insists on. He's got a right to ask for those things, but you have a right to say "No, sorry, not for me," and to make demands of your own which some other Dom can make good on.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I have confidence that you'll come out of it better off. Be well.


-B

 

[bridgeburner]

You know, after reading some of the posts in this thread, I think I did it as a means of kinda rebelling against Him and how He's treated me. I think now, that I was trying to get back at Him. That and I really didn't want a week's worth of bullshit from Him, too.

Well, there's always the possiblility that since you can't end it yourself you're trying to push him into ending it by acting out until he can't stand it anymore.

But is that really going to happen? I don't think so. He can't even get his girlfriend to give him head, he's certainly not going to banish the woman who does. And what does it say about him that he hooked up with a Ball-crushing Princess to be his girlfriend when he already had you? That's not about you and that's not about her, that's about HIM.

-B

 

[catalina_francisco]

Let's talk about special... He complains to me that she won't give Him head and when He can finally coerce her to do it, she won't swallow. It just infuriates Him. Nevermind a good ol' assfucking. That won't ever be happening. What a princess.

He's the most Domly Dom, I've ever met. Marquis had a thread, I think on being a natural dominant? Well, that would be Him. He has alpha male written all over him. It's what drew me to him, to begin with. And she hasn't got a submissive nerve in her body.

I am the outlet He needs. Good ol' Roxanne bends to His will at every turn. And He loves being able to exercise that beastly side. I'm the one who accepts and welcomes it.

But you're right catalina, I'm beginning to think that He's only right for me in certain ways... not in all ways. I've got to step back and look at the big picture. If He cares about me at all, He'll let me do that.

Hmm, don't want to disagree with you, but how Domly is he if he settles for (and obeys) what she obviously says goes, and why if he is so alpha Domly would he be interested in a non-submissive woman? Could it be he is not quite so sure or brave about standing in his own skin so wants you for the naughty fun, and her for the social mask? It is easy to get lost in the image a person first paints of themselves for you, so much harder to let it go and look at the reality...I hope it all works out in a way which sees you happy and contented.

Catalina

 

[rosco rathbone]

"...that's when I reach for my revolver..."

Seems like all talk of whether the cat is a *gag* "real dom" is beside the point.

They obviously have amazing sex.

OK, this post was beside the point too.

 

[graceanne]

You're both right. I should let Him go. Why wait for Him to do it?

Somehow though, when I've tried to do this in the past, He has a way of talking me out of it. Don't ask me how... but He can do it. I just fold like a house of cards. Another of my character flaws...

I know what you mean. When I'm with someone I'm a pushover. I wish one of us could do it for you - it'd be easier for us cause we don't have an emotional attachment to him. I hate to say this, but maybe you should break up with him and then go visit a friend for a week or so. (Without your phone.) You aren't going to be able to do it if he's going to badger you.

 

[Netzach]

You’ve all said a great deal of sensible things. Things I’m fully aware of, my own failings that I’m fully aware of, mistakes I’ve made that I’m fully responsible for. And I’ve never really posted too many personal things on this board and I’ll likely regret doing this.

I said He has commitments, not the least of which are 2 sons in college and the worst of which is a girlfriend. I take a back seat to her, always and in all ways. She doesn’t know about me, but I know all about her. He told me a few months ago that I was not His girlfriend, His wife or His mother, and in fact, I was not a priority at all. I’m just His slut, submissive, whipping post, sounding board... you name it. In His own words, I have no vote and I only draw breath because He says I can. (He told me that this morning.) He tells me very little and I might go several days without hearing from Him. But I’m not to make a decision, even about my work schedule, without first consulting Him. I work per diem and last month, I picked up an extra day a week. It was the only day that the facility needed a nurse on nights and it was, according to Him, the absolute worst day I could’ve agreed to. Like I could pick and choose what days they needed me? He can be so unreasonable and completely not understand what my career demands of me.

So, He called this morning on His way to work and we talked all of 10 minutes. The conversation was no better than the one we had last night.

And then He had to end it because His girlfriend was calling...

Are you asking yourselves the same thing I am? Why am I allowing this to go on? I’m not a submissive. I’m a true, died in the wool doormat.

This is obviously not making you happy.

The sex might be grand, the submissive sex might be fantastic, but obviously this is lacking.

What's completely asinine is that it's not even constructed in a way that MIGHT allow for your happiness. If you could have a boyfriend, if you could get out of dodge with some girlfriends, if you could have distractions you might be in a position to be happy with this arrangement, but it's not being built in a way that's sustainable.

Right?

 

[Netzach]

ROFLMAO!!!!

Oh darlin....Sorry for the laughing.... But I think I just figured this guy out...
And I've seen him before....Hell...He's even made it into TV plots...CSI I think it was...
You are his therapy....
You are what he has to have, to feel like he still has his balls...
Of course he's going to go whiney ass ballistic over this...
'Cause she's got him WHIPPED....

*snicker*
"She won't blow me"
What a wanker....

presuming anything he says about her is remotely true.

 

[shy slave]

ADR

I hope you hang onto your sanity through this and return to Lit in full ADR mode.

On a side issue: my take on his views about when you work...when he can keep you financially, he can have say *shrug*

 

[Guest]

You're both right. I should let Him go. Why wait for Him to do it?

Somehow though, when I've tried to do this in the past, He has a way of talking me out of it. Don't ask me how... but He can do it. I just fold like a house of cards. Another of my character flaws...

Yup...which is why you did, what you did...
Sometiimes we do things .... Because we have trouble conciously doing something (Hmmm did that make ANY sense? *sigh*).

You did something that you knew fully well that any (most) Dom/me would have a problem with..
Depending on the rules they have agreed on ...Just about any Dom/me would have a cow over this.
And you knew he would go ballistic when you did it...
*grin*

But....
You did it..He went ballistic...
And it puts you in a position that you weren't in before...
It puts you in a position where (no matter how good the sex is) you can more easily break with someone that you feel is treating you badly.

And I'll bet that you wouldn't listen to him talking you out of it right now...Would you?

Not the best way of doing things... Takes too long yah know?

 

[A Desert Rose]

Normally, I don't "put it all out there" for everyone to see. This is hard for me to do and I think it probably puts me in a mmmm kinda weak light to some people. It also makes me feel like perhaps, there are some of you who kinda care and that's a really nice way to feel.

To be clear, I'm not a whiner.

Posts have been made that sure have given me new avenues to consider... new perspectives that I'd never looked at before, things I'd never seen or thought of.

bridgeburner and catalina both said things that were so on target it made me laugh out loud. Evitkar is right when he says that I probably did what I did, initially, to bring things to this point.

Netzach, just like you said, if He allowed me the latitude, I'd have other distractions in my life. I think, also as you said, there's nothing built in that allows me any happiness.

And how did you and Rosco know that the sex is amazing? ;-) Not that I'm denying it or anything... lol

Anyway...
He called this afternoon on His way home from work. I did the weinie thing and suggested that since I'm no longer making Him happy, perhaps He should just end it with me. And perhaps this would give Him more time for her. (Unlike me, His girlfriend is very high maintainance.)

He went off the deep end. Accused me of being a whiner. Told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. Outlined what I need to do to avoid "getting into trouble" with Him again. Everytime I tried to speak up, He told me to shut up. And I did...

I tried to point out how I think ending this would be a good thing for Him and for His relationship with her. He told me it's not my job to think, it's my job to do whatever He tells me to do.

When He finally calmed down, He noticed that I was only responding with "yes, sir" or "no, sir." He said "you're afraid to say anything now, aren't you, because it might be the wrong thing."

Yea okay, so I rolled over.

Grace, you hit it on the head... leave town and leave my phone home. It seems I have no backbone when He and I are together.

I'll work on it.

 

[brioche]

This is obviously not making you happy.

The sex might be grand, the submissive sex might be fantastic, but obviously this is lacking.

What's completely asinine is that it's not even constructed in a way that MIGHT allow for your happiness. If you could have a boyfriend, if you could get out of dodge with some girlfriends, if you could have distractions you might be in a position to be happy with this arrangement, but it's not being built in a way that's sustainable.

Right?

And this is why you have to leave him, even though it's hard as hell. I've been there. Having someone doing that to you isn't healthy and he's taking away the few outlets you have to vent and release the stress of your conflicted feelings some other way.

But I'm not gonna sugarcoat it - you'll be fucked up emotionally for a long time after.
It's still the best option open to you at this point.

 

[Mr. Mann]

Does it work for someone to turn a person who has strong feelings for you into your puppet?

Does it work?

It depends on what the puppet, and possible puppetmaster respectively want. Some people want, need, crave and feel loving comfort from a level of control that another would describe as smothering and degrading. I make no universal declarations. I make no judgements. What happens between two consenting adults is their own concern. It is each person's challenge and responsibilty to seek their own happiness. If you wish not to be "controlled", then I would be offended at anyone's attmepts to do so against your wishes. Likewise, if someone wanted to be controlled, then I hope they find thier happiness. The instant case involves two people who entered into a relationship where both made voluntary and informed consent as to certain aspects of the relationship. What that relationship turned into is another matter.

In this particular case, it isn't working for ADR - for what seem to be a variety of reasons.

You have to take into account that Mr. Mann was posting some of those things before he'd had a chance to read everything else I'd had to say. He was posting to just my initial thread post. His tenor changed as he read more. And no offense was meant by him or taken by me.

Thank you.

....... He's told me a million times that "girlfriends will come and go but you'll be my slut until the day you die." .....

This, and a few other things you have said, cause me serious concern for you. I trust that you will take care of yourself.

Yes, I knew about the girlfriend. In fact, she came along AFTER me.

Questions that you may want to consider (not for answering here, just to consider for yourself):

Why did you accept this? Have you accepted similar things in the past from others?

Why did he do this? Has he done this before in his past relationships?

Sometimes, an objective look at the patterns in our lives can provide valuable insight.

You signed on for a certain level of submission on the front end, but it sounds like it has reached a level of submission that you are not comfortable with. It also sonds like he may not actually be capable of actually being all of the good and wonderful things that you may see deep down inside him.

Good thoughts for you as you go through what I am sure is a difficult time.

 

[DVS]

ADR, I saw this thread early this morning and there was only one post. Now, there are several pages. This alone, should show you there are others who care. I'll try my luck at this little mess, and hope I don't make it any worse.

First, I want to say this might be a reason I'm not in a BDSM relationship right now. And, I've never really been in a relationship based ONLY on BDSM or D/s. I consider everyone to be equal and in charge of their own selves, and I have no right to force someone else into any sort of a one-sided relationship.

This really seems to be something where he holds all of the cards, but you do all of the shuffling. I wouldn't care for that, but if you get what you want out of it, that's fine. I do understand the part about your not wanting to have a lot of demands on you, though. There are times when a relationship can smother you. But, even you have said that he's gotten closer than you intended.

But, I see that closeness as VERY onesided. You seem to need him, but does he need you? Is he giving you the respect you deserve, for what you give him, in return? He tells you this girlfriend comes before you, and he also demands you alter your work schedule to suit his needs?

Come on, now. Asking him before you go out with the girls, and you must sit and wait for seconds, after he's finished with his girlfriend? I wonder if he would need you as a whipping post, if his girlfriend wasn't such a priss. Maybe he's taking his agressions out on you. Not that you don't enjoy the attention, but is it only because she won't give him the type of sex he wants? If she wasn't little miss prissy and gave him what you give him, would he still need you?

ADR, I truly hope this all works out the way you want it to. I want you to be happy. If keeping him around makes you happy, that's what I hope for. But, I think he's kind of a prick in some ways, but also being totally honest with you, in other ways.

Demanding you be there when and how he wants you is one thing...if you are the only one in his life. But, demanding that of you when he has told you ...to use your own words..."He told me a few months ago that I was not His girlfriend, His wife or His mother, and in fact, I was not a priority at all. I’m just His slut, submissive, whipping post, sounding board... you name it. In His own words, I have no vote and I only draw breath because He says I can" is not what I would want for you.

Again, ADR, if this is what you want, I wish it for you. But, I would only wish it for you until you can find someone who desires you as his first and only. I'd only patch this thing up and use him for what you need...while you are looking for the real thing.

 

[A Desert Rose]

ADR, I saw this thread early this morning and there was only one post. Now, there are several pages. This alone, should show you there are others who care. I'll try my luck at this little mess, and hope I don't make it any worse.

Believe me, your posting alone makes it better.

I wonder if he would need you as a whipping post, if his girlfriend wasn't such a priss. Maybe he's taking his agressions out on you. Not that you don't enjoy the attention, but is it only because she won't give him the type of sex he wants? If she wasn't little miss prissy and gave him what you give him, would he still need you?

I wonder how many dozens of times this has passed through my head. Again, I go back to thinking that if she ever does more for Him than I do, I'll be history in short order.

I'm not a priority. LOL

 

[redelicious]

I keep telling myself that I'm worth more than this

(nothing more to add)

 

[graceanne]

Grace, you hit it on the head... leave town and leave my phone home. It seems I have no backbone when He and I are together.

I'll work on it.

It's ok to not have a backbone when you're together as long as you know it yourself and work around it. Next time you work up the courage to break up with him, write him a letter. Explain in the letter that the reason you're writing a letter is cause you don't have a backbone. Then go stay with a friend (I'd love to have you, and I bet KC would, too. ) Leave the phone at home, cause the second he gets ahold of you you're going to cave, and you know it.

And *hugs* I wish you didn't have to go through this. I wish he was the guy you deserved. I wish that I had a magic wand and could make everything all better.

 

[A Desert Rose]

It's ok to not have a backbone when you're together as long as you know it yourself and work around it. Next time you work up the courage to break up with him, write him a letter. Explain in the letter that the reason you're writing a letter is cause you don't have a backbone. Then go stay with a friend (I'd love to have you, and I bet KC would, too. ) Leave the phone at home, cause the second he gets ahold of you you're going to cave, and you know it.

And *hugs* I wish you didn't have to go through this. I wish he was the guy you deserved. I wish that I had a magic wand and could make everything all better.

I can't send him an email. He'd be a week before He read it. She requires so much of His time.

I'm going to write down everything I need to say... in brief and call His voicemail. I know He'll not have His phone on while He's at work. There's no fear that I will have to talk to Him.

I have to end it before I go to work tomorrow. I leave on Wednesday afternoon. He won't be calling me while I'm gone and He has a night class this week too.

I'm going to stop this whole thing tomorrow. Las Vegas is full of men. I can find another. One who won't be such a cad and a heartbreaker.

 

[A Desert Rose]

(nothing more to add)

Miss you around, hon.