My first BDSM influenced story

[Djmac1031]

Been writing on this site a few years now and only just discovered this section exists lol.

I recognize a lot of names; I'm sure some of you recognize me too.

Anyway, what the hell, this looks like the place to plug stories and get feedback so:

The Devil And Angel Em
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-devil-and-angel-em

While it has BDSM elements, and hence the category, it's not a super hard core BDSM story, and it also has a fantasy style twist to it.

Just published today, so I figured I'd put it out there and see if it interests anyone and get some thoughts on it.

Now that I know this is here, I'll try and return the favor as I can.

 

[spankableBelle]

Been writing on this site a few years now and only just discovered this section exists lol.

I recognize a lot of names; I'm sure some of you recognize me too.

Anyway, what the hell, this looks like the place to plug stories and get feedback so:

The Devil And Angel Em
https://www.literotica.com/s/the-devil-and-angel-em

While it has BDSM elements, and hence the category, it's not a super hard core BDSM story, and it also has a fantasy style twist to it.

Just published today, so I figured I'd put it out there and see if it interests anyone and get some thoughts on it.

Now that I know this is here, I'll try and return the favor as I can.

Off to start reading it...

 

[TheRedChamber]

Sorry this is a bit late - I mean to do it at when you posted, got distracted, hoped that someone else would instead, felt the moment had passed and then came back today and saw still no comments! Anyway...

1) You've got two song references in the first section - I'd say as a rule of thumb you get one at most, but maybe it's just that as a Brit neither Merle Travis or George Thorogood register with me.
2) I feel like the 'lonesome dude meets mysterious (devilish) stranger in a country bar' is a bit of a Lit cliche, but it's implemented well here.
3) The name Cozbi, here kept reminding me of 'Bill Cosby' which may not have been the desired effect.
4) I feel like the initial two sex scenes are spaced awkwardly - that is to say, we get the end of the porn shoot as the first indiciation of his powers, then the Cozbi fuck very quick in succession. I'd be tempted to move the Cozbi fuck to before the porn shoot - maybe on the day he got his powers as a test and confirmation of them. But then you wouldn't have the whole 'hate fucking the devil' edge to it. So I'm not sure.
5) After Job meets Emily for the first time, you headhop into Emily for a few lines. That's not really a problem, but then later you have Emily recount the whole of her backstory as speech. This is important as it establishes Randal, but it's make it a bit more detatched. If we're allowed in Emily's PoV why not just flashback and do it 'properly'
6) I felt like the circle of the plot didn't quite join up. Cozbi wants Emily. She makes a deal with Job. 6 months later, she's back to regotiate. Emily just happens to be obsessed with Beefslab porn - but this seems to be just a coincidence. I feel like Cozbi should have introduced her to this as part of her plan, but this doesn't seem to be the case.
7) I felt like the chapel sex scene goes on to long. Part of the issue is that, while Emily is a virgin, things go from 0-100mph in no time at all and then things stay there. There's not a lot of dramatic tension about whether she's going to enjoy it or not (well it is Emily...) so it's a long list of porn writing of people doing stuff to each other. That's fine but I was more interested in the plot at this point and was skipping over it a bit to get to the next bit.
8) I may be taking the theology too seriously here (I guess its a good sign of the writing that I am), but it seems to me that you have two competing ones - a) Heaven is boring, pure and rule-bases while Hell is chaotic, wild and fun (if you're in charge) and b) Heaven actually really likes sex just as much Hell. It seems like you're going with a right up until you switch to b - That's fine if 'a' is a Cozbi lie, but then at the end we get Cozbi back as a permanent fuck-friend for Job and Emily so it's not really clear what's going on except that we're going to be okay will everyone fucking everyone else for all eternity.
9) I also thought you might make more of the 'Emily the nun fucks Job to save his soul from hell' and thus she is pure even once 'dispoiled', but this kind of got lost in the 'sex is groovy' vibe at the end.
10) So if there's a conclusion to all this, I guess I was more into the plot (which I enjoyed) than the sex, but sometimes the sex seemed to be working against the plot.

 

[Djmac1031]

@TheRedChamber

Hey, thanks for the well thought out reply / review / critique.

I'd actually kinda forgotten about this post lol.

In the spirit of friendly discussion and potential clarification, I'll address a few things.

The name Cozbi, here kept reminding me of 'Bill Cosby' which may not have been the desired effect.

Lol. I suppose I can see that. I took the name Cozbi for a reason; she's a Bible character.

effect.
4) I feel like the initial two sex scenes are spaced awkwardly - that is to say, we get the end of the porn shoot as the first indiciation of his powers, then the Cozbi fuck very quick in succession. I'd be tempted to move the Cozbi fuck to before the porn shoot - maybe on the day he got his powers as a test and confirmation of them. But then you wouldn't have the whole 'hate fucking the devil' edge to it. So I'm not sure.

The porn scene was only there to establish where he now was after his deal. Hence it wasn't a full sex scene.

I felt like the circle of the plot didn't quite join up. Cozbi wants Emily. She makes a deal with Job. 6 months later, she's back to regotiate. Emily just happens to be obsessed with Beefslab porn - but this seems to be just a coincidence. I feel like Cozbi should have introduced her to this as part of her plan, but this doesn't seem to be the case.

I suppose I could have fleshed this out more.

For clarity, it's been 7 years since Emily ran out on Randi AKA Cozbi.

Over that time, Cozbi was keeping tabs on Emily, knew what she's been up to, knew her secret desires.

But you're right; I might have at least connected it more clearly even if only by stating Cozbi had some future foresight as her reason to choose Job.

get to the next bit.
8) I may be taking the theology too seriously here (I guess its a good sign of the writing that I am),

To break it down simply; Cozbi tends to lie when it suits her, and willfully misrepresents God and Heaven using the common human conceptions of them.

That's why Clarence steps in to clarify that God really isn't all that interested in what we're doing in our bedrooms, just wants us to be nicer to each other.

9) I also thought you might make more of the 'Emily the nun fucks Job to save his soul from hell' and thus she is pure even once 'dispoiled', but this kind of got lost in the 'sex is groovy' vibe at the end.

I kinda figured I'd made the point, didn't wanna be long winded about it. The story was long enough already.

So if there's a conclusion to all this, I guess I was more into the plot (which I enjoyed) than the sex, but sometimes the sex seemed to be working against the plot.

Fair enough. I suppose I can be happy you seemed to enjoy the story itself if not some of the presentation.

Again truly appreciate your thoughts.