First story published, would love feedback!

[Iridescentrobot27]

Hi All,

I just published my first story an I would love to get some feedback. I was struggling to find stories with characters that felt real to me. Within scenarios that were fun and alluring. So this story is the first of many (I hope) centered around black people exploring their sexuality together in a fun and desirable manner.

https://www.literotica.com/s/admiral-submission-pt-01

I look forward to your feedback!

 

[Melody_Lightdraft2]

If this is your first story I look forward to the followup, a good hook that draws the reader in. Pacing is steady, with certain understanding of a submissive behavior.

 

[Iridescentrobot27]

If this is your first story I look forward to the followup, a good hook that draws the reader in. Pacing is steady, with certain understanding of a submissive behavior.

Thank you so much! I just submitted the 2nd part and am working on the 3rd. I appreciate the feedback!

 

[StillStunned]

I'll echo what Melody wrote above. The storytelling is strong, although this specific kink isn't one I share.

That said, I'll offer some thoughts for you to consider moving forward. Please take these as they're intended: one writer's opinions and suggestions, no more and no less. Don't feel obliged to take them up, or even ascribe more importance to them than a single reader's feedback.

However, writing can be a lonely hobby, and if we get any feedback at all it's usually in the form of encouragement, not specific tips that we can consider, weigh and decide whether or not to incorporate into our work. So I urge you to at least think about my suggestions. When you've done that, feel free to dismiss them.

First, your opening sentence tends towards the infodumpy. You could convey the situation much more vividly by saying something like this: "My phone rings. I glance from the road ahead to see Dylan's name and picture on the screen. I answer with "Hey babe!"." (Or something like that.) This puts your narrator in a car and establishes her relationship to Dylan. That said, I thought you did a very good of "showing" as opposed to "telling" throughout - the only other instance, I think, is right at the end: "I look at him a bit confused." This confusion comes out of nowhere.

Second, particularly early you seem to be in a rush to get to the end. In erotica, it's all about the journey, not the destination. There were some parts where I felt you could have taken your foot off the accelerator and drawn the reader in with more detail. Not that the detail is necessary, but it helps to build the anticipation. I like to imagine my characters stopping, taking a few deep breaths, just slowing down. The narrator's first orgasm, for example, happens from one moment to the next - which is very well possible, of course, but I'd expect her to comment on it then. (Personally I like to describe the whole shuddering, toe-curling, dam-bursting, white-fire-exploding experience followed by at least a few moments of recovery.)

Third, your dialogue sounds natural, but I'd break up the sentences more often. Use full stops (periods) instead of commas. These give your readers a moment to process the information they've read, and give a better impression of how people stop for an instant to think about what they want to say next.

I hope you find some of this useful, and please don't let it sour you on the writing or publishing experience. Like I said, I think you have a strong storytelling ability, and you definitely shouldn't let anyone dictate to you how to write your own stories. But sometimes objective feedback can show you things that you haven't considered before - and the more you know, the better you can decide what works best for you.

In the meantime, keep writing, and have fun!

 

[Iridescentrobot27]

I'll echo what Melody wrote above. The storytelling is strong, although this specific kink isn't one I share.

That said, I'll offer some thoughts for you to consider moving forward. Please take these as they're intended: one writer's opinions and suggestions, no more and no less. Don't feel obliged to take them up, or even ascribe more importance to them than a single reader's feedback.

However, writing can be a lonely hobby, and if we get any feedback at all it's usually in the form of encouragement, not specific tips that we can consider, weigh and decide whether or not to incorporate into our work. So I urge you to at least think about my suggestions. When you've done that, feel free to dismiss them.

First, your opening sentence tends towards the infodumpy. You could convey the situation much more vividly by saying something like this: "My phone rings. I glance from the road ahead to see Dylan's name and picture on the screen. I answer with "Hey babe!"." (Or something like that.) This puts your narrator in a car and establishes her relationship to Dylan. That said, I thought you did a very good of "showing" as opposed to "telling" throughout - the only other instance, I think, is right at the end: "I look at him a bit confused." This confusion comes out of nowhere.

Second, particularly early you seem to be in a rush to get to the end. In erotica, it's all about the journey, not the destination. There were some parts where I felt you could have taken your foot off the accelerator and drawn the reader in with more detail. Not that the detail is necessary, but it helps to build the anticipation. I like to imagine my characters stopping, taking a few deep breaths, just slowing down. The narrator's first orgasm, for example, happens from one moment to the next - which is very well possible, of course, but I'd expect her to comment on it then. (Personally I like to describe the whole shuddering, toe-curling, dam-bursting, white-fire-exploding experience followed by at least a few moments of recovery.)

Third, your dialogue sounds natural, but I'd break up the sentences more often. Use full stops (periods) instead of commas. These give your readers a moment to process the information they've read, and give a better impression of how people stop for an instant to think about what they want to say next.

I hope you find some of this useful, and please don't let it sour you on the writing or publishing experience. Like I said, I think you have a strong storytelling ability, and you definitely shouldn't let anyone dictate to you how to write your own stories. But sometimes objective feedback can show you things that you haven't considered before - and the more you know, the better you can decide what works best for you.

In the meantime, keep writing, and have fun!

Wow! This is incredible feedback. Thank you so much for taking the time to read through it, that is more than I could ask for. I initially had a longer version that did get into more details and eased into the action a bit slower. It's good to know there is a want for that. I appreciate this so much!

 

[NudistJayByrd]

Hi All,

I just published my first story an I would love to get some feedback. I was struggling to find stories with characters that felt real to me. Within scenarios that were fun and alluring. So this story is the first of many (I hope) centered around black people exploring their sexuality together in a fun and desirable manner.

https://www.literotica.com/s/admiral-submission-pt-01

I look forward to your feedback!

It got me hard. I liked it!

 

[Iridescentrobot27]

It got me hard. I liked it!

Awesome! That was the intention. Thank you for taking the time to read it and for your feedback!

 

[Landshark1]

Hi All,

I just published my first story an I would love to get some feedback. I was struggling to find stories with characters that felt real to me. Within scenarios that were fun and alluring. So this story is the first of many (I hope) centered around black people exploring their sexuality together in a fun and desirable manner.

https://www.literotica.com/s/admiral-submission-pt-01

I look forward to your feedback!

Great job, I need to relieve myself now

 

[Iridescentrobot27]

Great job, I need to relieve myself now

That is the desired effect! Thank you for taking the time to read it!