First story feedback appreciated - Poolside Lessons

[Fantastika]

I've been a fan of the site for many, many years. Finally decided to stop lurking, create an account and post a short Loving Wives story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/poolside-lessons-pt-01

Any feedback is appreciated, really any. Part 2 will be published within a week.

Thanks all!

 

[OnlyHappyEndings]

I left a positive comment about the content on the story. As for your writing, it's good and can be great with practice. So keep it up, even if the Loving Wives people tell you to stop.

On thing I found distracting is the flashbacks and background information interrupting the lines of action and dialogue. For instance, MC could recount things like the bathing suit purchase or the frustrating delays in getting to the pool BEFORE she gets to the pool. She could explain the relationship between her family and Charlie's when he first enters the yard or while she watches him swim laps over the top of her book. I feel like these thoughts occuring as they did interrupted the flow of conversation.

Another thing that distracted me is the switching viewpoints. While not technically wrong, I would endeavor to limit viewpoint to one character at a time and make a clear demarcation when the view changes. 'Charlie, would you do me a favor?'... the scene ends and a new one begins. Charlie is alone in the house, scared and excited about what is happening. He thinks differently than Felicity so the narrator's voice is different. He doesn't know what is happening outside except what she tells him over the phone. (I like that part, by the way, her guiding him through the bedroom by telephone). Don't switch back to Felicity's viewpoint until you're done with Charlie's part.

Hope you found these observations useful and I look forward to part two.

 

[Fantastika]

I left a positive comment about the content on the story. As for your writing, it's good and can be great with practice. So keep it up, even if the Loving Wives people tell you to stop.

On thing I found distracting is the flashbacks and background information interrupting the lines of action and dialogue. For instance, MC could recount things like the bathing suit purchase or the frustrating delays in getting to the pool BEFORE she gets to the pool. She could explain the relationship between her family and Charlie's when he first enters the yard or while she watches him swim laps over the top of her book. I feel like these thoughts occuring as they did interrupted the flow of conversation.

Another thing that distracted me is the switching viewpoints. While not technically wrong, I would endeavor to limit viewpoint to one character at a time and make a clear demarcation when the view changes. 'Charlie, would you do me a favor?'... the scene ends and a new one begins. Charlie is alone in the house, scared and excited about what is happening. He thinks differently than Felicity so the narrator's voice is different. He doesn't know what is happening outside except what she tells him over the phone. (I like that part, by the way, her guiding him through the bedroom by telephone). Don't switch back to Felicity's viewpoint until you're done with Charlie's part.

Hope you found these observations useful and I look forward to part two.

Wow, thank you so much. Your feedback relly hit the mark.
I read the story again and it is a bit confusing. Not sure how I didn't spot it in many of my previous reviews. Lack of experience, I guess.

I'll take some time to rework the story so it reads more naturally with less switching. Maybe even divide it into chapters so Charlie's bedroom search stands on it's own.

Thanks again, really appreciate your input.

 

[OnlyHappyEndings]

Additional content notes:
He sniffs her clean panties but not the dirty ones... did I read that right?

Looking for batteries in Nellie's room I thought he would have to look in her nightstand and there find a vibrator similar to Felicity's. Like mother, like daughter. He switches the batteries and briefly considers checking her panties drawer for a dildo. Chapter two has Nellie angrily ransacking the pantry, looking for batteries.

More buildup in Felicity's attraction to Charlie. I don't complain when authors get to the point. But the story could benefit from 'Wow, he has really filled out since he left for college... He's really graceful in the water... Should I go inside and spy on him while I play with myself? Or would it be weird if he and I masturbate together?

 

[OnlyHappyEndings]

Maybe even divide it into chapters so Charlie's bedroom search stands on it's own.

No need for separate chapters. Just clearly state the change of scene and keep the new viewpoint until the next scene. Sometimes people mark off scenes with a row of asterisks. Glad I was able to help.

As far as revising what you posted, it could take weeks for a new version to post and you are unlikely to get any new reads on it. You might want to go forward with chapter two and submit a revised chapter one for whenever they get around to it.

 

[RoperTrace]

I've been a fan of the site for many, many years. Finally decided to stop lurking, create an account and post a short Loving Wives story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/poolside-lessons-pt-01

Any feedback is appreciated, really any. Part 2 will be published within a week.

Thanks all!

I liked it, great first story. Left a comment on story.RT

 

[cally420]

Congrats on getting your first story up. It's a bit like a line I heard regarding the "hardest belt to get in martial arts"... it's the WHITE one, because it means you have to START.

To start with, I think it's a solid start -

Some comments on your story:

1) Right in the first few sentences you have a mixing of tenses. "Felicity was looking forward to this day."... "Her husband is off on"... "Her daughter Nellie was also finally "..."This is the first weekend of the summer". This is easy enough to fix. Pick a tense and stick with it. Grammarly or ProWritingAid might help here.

2) I'll agree with others that the structure is a little disjointed. One way to start might be to get a bit more "in media res"... start with Felicity touching herself beside the pool and then develop the backstory a bit. You could intersperse some self-play with the thinking about how she got to that moment, how she got the bikini, etc.

Maybe she fantasizes about the salesgirl that glimpsed her. Things could be JUST getting more spicy when Charlie shows up as she's just THROBBING, ya know? This is also your chance to give us something about Felicity so we're a little more emotionally engaged... you don't mention the office cheating from Burt until later, but giving us something here gives us sympathy for Felicity and sets up the seduction of Charlie with a 'justification', you know? This kind of thing is why they kill John Wick's dog at the start of the movie... whatever else may happen, he has emotional and story justification for his action.

3) Agree that the POV shifts are a bit tough. Given how you've set it up, you could keep the POV from Felicity and if she was FaceTiming with Charlie instead, then she could see his reactions and have her own opinions of that. That's actually how I solved the POV problem in my 2nd story here (Our Loophole Virgins).

4) Classic move that he continues to call her Ms Roberts. I liked that.

5) Breasts were D-cup on page 1, double D on page 2?

6) This is a style thing, but the back and forth "ah ah ah" on page 2 with short action lines felt very choppy. I tend to favour longer paragraphs (perhaps too long) but you could break up this into different sizes of paragraph and give us more sensory descriptions as well.

Overall, I liked it... but as others have noted, with a little tightening up you can go from good to great.

 

[Skogman]

I've been a fan of the site for many, many years. Finally decided to stop lurking, create an account and post a short Loving Wives story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/poolside-lessons-pt-01

Any feedback is appreciated, really any. Part 2 will be published within a week.

Thanks all!

So I read through it and I have some thoughts, firstly the mixing of tenses is a little off putting and secondly there're a few spelling errors which I think you should correct. Namely "She felt the young neighbor's frustration and decided to offer help with s more gentle approach" and "Felicity snapped him out of the trans again."

I mention the above issues together because I think that those could be fixed with a reread and some minimal rewriting. I always go through what I write at least once before I publish and the amount of times where I have found something that's incomprehensible in retrospect is pretty staggering. Rereading your writing and editing it is often key to making your story approachable.

Further, for me personally, I have a bit of an issue with your lack of descriptions. There's nothing wrong with a fast pace where a lot of things are happening, but I would like to know what those things are happening to. Take the first line of your story, to me it just screams for an introduction to Felicity before she's called for. Where is she? Who is she? What is she doing? Perhaps you'd want to introduce the setting as the suburbs and then point to Felicity right before she's called to by Charlie.

As it looks now, there is so much activity without any real sense of what it is happening to. Consider slowing down from time to time and just take a paragraph to describe the room your character's are in before they start acting in it, maybe their eyes travel across the bed before they see the drawer they were told to look through.

Those are just some of my thoughts on your first story. In conclusion though, keep writing I say and you'll get better at it. Honestly just finishing something you've written is a bit of an accomplishment, good job.