just posted my first story! Feedback, especially critical, is very welcome

[BaileyEsquire]

Hello,
I have just taken the plunge and posted the first chapter of my first story, Hannah gets an Agent. It’s (intended) to be a psychological story where a lot of the erotic elements come from the tension and fears of the character. It’s set in a near future that isn’t quite a dystopia (women aren’t sex slaves), but involving systemic misogyny (more than is currently in our world, that is).

It can be read here: https://www.literotica.com/s/hannah-gets-an-agent-ch-01

I would be very grateful for any and all feedback! Critical feedback is especially welcome. I’m new to writing fiction and this is a skill like anything else. The only way for me to learn is to be told what I’m doing wrong (it’s hard for me to know what I’m failing at when I’m such a newcomer to this). This is a rough first outing. My goal is to polish my skills and produce better work in future.
With best wishes,
Bailey

 

[ElectricBlue]

This is a rough first outing. My goal is to polish my skills and produce better work in future.

You can write, there's no doubt about that, this prose is way ahead of your "typical first time writer" here on Lit.

I'm intrigued as to how you'll balance the story content as you take the story down the paths that you mention, with the very articulate, intelligent woman you're portraying here. You might be restricted in your niche because, let's face it, Hannah is probably brighter than your average Joe Blow reader, and they might find that hard to manage.

Usually these "first feedback" threads go on about the technicalities of writing, but (other than too long monologues) you've got no issues there. You've clearly written a thing or two before this, even if it's not been erotica.

My main observation would be to ask yourself, do people really talk the way your characters do? Other than the scene in the car, I don't think so. My other suggestion would be to break up your narrative more - it does sound like a corporate policy statement or report at times, and that's down to the long paragraphs and too regular a beat.

The quick interruptions of the hands up behind her back, and the push of aggression from the PAs worked well... but you left the moments and the narrative returned to its steady beat. Missed opportunities.

Step back from your intellect and let emotion into the story, and be careful you don't get caught up proselytising. That can age a story very quickly, I think. Be subtle, and get to the erotica, or you'll lose readers.

Keep going!

 

[RoperTrace]

Hello,
I have just taken the plunge and posted the first chapter of my first story, Hannah gets an Agent. It’s (intended) to be a psychological story where a lot of the erotic elements come from the tension and fears of the character. It’s set in a near future that isn’t quite a dystopia (women aren’t sex slaves), but involving systemic misogyny (more than is currently in our world, that is).

It can be read here: https://www.literotica.com/s/hannah-gets-an-agent-ch-01

I would be very grateful for any and all feedback! Critical feedback is especially welcome. I’m new to writing fiction and this is a skill like anything else. The only way for me to learn is to be told what I’m doing wrong (it’s hard for me to know what I’m failing at when I’m such a newcomer to this). This is a rough first outing. My goal is to polish my skills and produce better work in future.
With best wishes,
Bailey

You're an excellent writer, but you lost me on page 1, with all the legal mumble-jumble. It almost sounded like law students showing off their legalese. Nick also morphed into Nico in the very next sentence or paragraph. I was asking myself, if that was some clever way to show he'd changed into a femboy? Having said that, I still think that you'll find your audience.

 

[BaileyEsquire]

ElectricBlue: thank you first of all for your kind words! I am grateful for your suggestion on pacing; I’m used to writing things without action and as you say, it shows in the uneven stuff in the first chapter. I have a rough outline for the rest of the story and there will definitely be a lot more (erotic!) things happening than in this introductory chapter. I will keep in mind your advice on breaking paragraphs and avoiding long sections. As you probably guessed, my normal milieu for writing puts more focus on accuracy than excitement. One of the reasons I want to try my hand at erotica is to learn the craft of writing for excitement.

On the niche, I think that will be my biggest challenge. Hannah being much smarter than the average teen ingénue means I can’t just have her be tricked into sexual situations like many stories involving this kind of systemic or corporate maledom do. On the other hand, I think a clever woman protagonist makes the erotic potential very interesting. Hannah understands just how much she’s being used and humiliated and that of course makes the humiliation much more intense. I just have to avoid the trap of making her ruminations so intellectual that it just becomes tepid social satire with sex in the background, rather than the erotic fiction with mild social satire in the background (my goal).

 

[BaileyEsquire]

RoperTrace: thank you for your kind words on my writing. On the Nick/Nico, I’m afraid that’s just a typo that slipped in and I didn’t catch in proofreading. I wish I was clever enough to make it a subtle sign of his involuntary feminisation. (He also won’t be returning in future chapters anyway, though he would be an interesting separate story… but first I have to finish this one).

You make a good point on the legalese. I wanted Hannah’s case briefing to have a dual role: first, slight exposition about the setting of the story, and second, contrasting how comfortable she is at academics when she’s painfully shy and silent about sex. However, I think I failed there because I had fun thinking up fictional case law and committed the cardinal sin of failing to consider if the reader would actually be interested in any of this. I want to explore themes of sex reflected through the prism of corporate and legal mundanity in the story, but as you highlight, I need to work on doing this without alienating the reader, who has better things to do than sit through tedious fake law or fake HR-speak.

 

[nice90sguy]

Really enjoyed the story!

My criticisms are few:
I agree about the legal verbiage section: I get that you're making a semi-political point with the story, but it was a little too didactic. Maybe if the story was a lot longer, it could serve as a long interjection. But it told, not showed, too much.

The last sentence is not only unnecessary, it weakens the final impact for me. it was unsubtle and out of place, stylistically. The entire story makes that point.

 

[BaileyEsquire]

Really enjoyed the story!

My criticisms are few:
I agree about the legal verbiage section: I get that you're making a semi-political point with the story, but it was a little too didactic. Maybe if the story was a lot longer, it could serve as a long interjection. But it told, not showed, too much.

The last sentence is not only unnecessary, it weakens the final impact for me. it was unsubtle and out of place, stylistically. The entire story makes that point.

Thank you nice90sguy! Yes—definitely the pacing needed to be tightened.

I hadn’t noticed that about the last sentence but now that you point it out, I totally see it. On reflection, I think the trouble was that I was struggling to describe embarrassment other than literally saying ‘She was very embarrassed/humiliated’ etc. I used the blunt last sentence to try to communicate that this was the humiliating point where Hannah couldn’t lie to herself anymore about this. But as you rightly say, it’s stylistically out of place.

I would be grateful if you or anyone else has suggestions or examples of how to communicate embarrassment and humiliation descriptively. I think that’s something I really need to master given the themes and content of this story.