Mentoring

[MissTaken]

I have a sub friend who not only is my best on line friend and soon to be real life friend, but she "mentors" me.

She also is involved in some BDSM type communities, on line and off wherein she is mentoring six other women and two novice Doms.

Her guidance, ear and input has been invaluable on a day to day basis.

She doesn't only mentor me, but I have played an important role in her life now as circumstances had a way of dropping her somewhere she didn't expect to be....a widow at 46 yrs.

I have now been asked to play the same role for a lit friend. I am pleased and proud to do so. I hope I can offer her the same benefits as I hve reaped from my friend.

Do you have formal or informal friends who mentor you?

Would you consider a relationship with someone you knew very little about for pursposes of mentoring?

Have you mentored others?

Any advice in either direction?

 

[P. B. Walker]

I very much like the idea of having a mentor. I've never had a formal mentor, but I would definitely say I've had a few informal, part-time mentors along the way. If I were to ever meet someone that was up for it, I would definitely get involved in a formal mentorship.

I don't exactly feel comfortable mentoring someone at this point. I just don't feel prepared enough to do it. Nor do I feel I have the years of experience and knowledge required.

For me, I would have to know the personaly reasonable well and respect them and their knowledge and experience in order to formally accept them as a mentor.

PBW

 

[Hot4Heels]

Well this is a veiw that is not realy from a BDSM perspective but I think it relates.

I am a construction worker. I grew up in construction and have worked in quite a few different trades. As a Journeyman I have always taken more of a mentor type approach than say a Top "yo you do this" approach. I always try to explain the REASONS why things HAVE to be done and the REASONS they are done the way they are done.

I have always felt it is the RESPONSIBILTY of people that know to pass on their knowledge and insight to those that dont. I get a real shitty attitude towards people that want to withold their knowledge to keep themselves on some kind of pedastal.

 

[MissTaken]

My friend was raised European and learned BDSM there. She has been involved in it for 30 years.

So, PBW, when you say you dont' feel you have the experience, I feel the same way to some degree.

Fortunately for my "charge?" , my mentor/friend is available and willing to help as well.

I do believe in the sharing of information, as you said, Hot. Personally, I am a teacher at heart, even though I am by trade a social worker.

I like helping others, sharing what I have learned, and sometimes, I can save someone from having to experience the crap in order to find the reward

 

[Ghost's amaris]

I must say i have never had a formal mentor, but i have and still have someone that i can always go to and ask question of that has been in the lifestyle for a while now. They are a great help to me and helped me accept the fact that i am who i am and i cannot change that. They also showed me that i wasnt alone is the person i am.

I am finding myself in sort of that same situation of not feeling as if i know enough to mentor someone else, but i have been asked by a friend that knew about me and the lifestyle and she asked me to help her and explain to her. I have been there for her and i am still helping her. I have the guidence of my Master and my unoffical mentor if i ever need it. I also have some other resources i have sent them to so they can learn.

I tend to feel i dont know enough with only being apart of this for such a short time but i couldnt turn them away when i was asked. I felt i had to share what knowledge i did have with her and help her as i could to find the knowledge she was seeking.

That is just the type of person i am.

Ghost's amaris

 

[Angelofsex]

Having a mentor is nice to have....they could guide you along the way...help you to understand Doms and being a sub.......Miss T the person who has you as a mentor is very lucky.

 

[SexyChele]

I personally would like to find a mentor, but don't have a clue as to how to go about it. Although I could imagine the relationship being friendly, to a degree, I would think a certain amount of distance is needed so as to be objective.

So, Miss T, how did you find your mentor? Did it start as strictly online? And how did you know this was to be your mentor? Or did you both grow into the roles? Inquiring minds would like to know!

 

[MsWorthy]

. . .

Do you have formal or informal friends who mentor you?

Would you consider a relationship with someone you knew very little about for pursposes of mentoring?

Have you mentored others?

Any advice in either direction?

1. I have never had a mentor.

2. I would not mentor someone without knowing who they are (not personal information, but personality traits, level of maturity and self-discipline), what they are seeking, and how realistic these goals were based on the type of person they are.

This person will have made a serious effort to learn all they can on their own (which demonstrates to me that I will not be wasting my time on someone who is fantasizing) before asking for a mentor.

3. Yes.

4. I am not sure what you mean by advice in either direction, Miss T.

 

[MissTaken]

So, Miss T, how did you find your mentor? Did it start as strictly online? And how did you know this was to be your mentor? Or did you both grow into the roles? Inquiring minds would like to know!

We had the good fortune to meet on line as introduced by a good real life friend.

Yes, she knows so much about me and we are kndred spirits.

Perhaps, given this forum, many don't need mentors?

Thank you, angel.

That is very sweet of you to say.

 

[UCE]

I've never formally mentored anybody, but if I have a friend who asks for bdsm relationship advice and feedback, I'll give it IF I think the friend can handle what I have to say. Advice has a habit of going wrong, in my experience, because it gets filtered through the hearer's biases.

Here's an example from today: The other day on a group I was trying to help someone who seemed confused. I argued with logic that there are differences in the way men and women are socialized and differences in their mental and emotional states due to the fact that their hormone makeup is so dissimilar. I thought I was simply talking about differences, but when this person wrote back, she made it clear that I was saying that women are not _equal_ to men and she thanked me for enlightening her! ACK! I saw her message today and immediate wrote back asap saying I was only speaking of differences (in fact I had been very careful not to bring up the equality issue, because the group has lots of Muslims on it and I don't like to get into talks about gender equality with those folks).

I learned a lesson there: when handling something tricky that I am not totally sure of (this was the issue of males and females being treated differently within a philosophical cult--something I am no means an expert on) and... when talking to someone I really don't know well, I am best off keeping my big mouth shut!

Anyway, I don't seek out people to mentor, I have no vocation for that sort of thing. I do like to write about my experiences or the conclusions gathered from those experiences (I am not and have never been a theorist--when I say something it's almost always very well grounded in personal first-hand experience or many second-hand experiences heard from others).

I guess my advice from the above is just be careful when you're ranging onto territory you don't know inside and out when mentoring someone. Even if you qualify what you say with "this is only a theory" or "I'm guessing here" someone in a mentee position is liable to think of it as the absolute truth and later cllaim angrily that you mislead them. Don't mentor anybody new who might become sexually attracted to you either becasue that attraction can wreak havoc with your relationship with them. They may even attack your loved ones if they can't get to you. I've known of this happening to others and it's really sick and sad but the people who look for mentors are not always the most stable of folk and often justify doing really reprehensible things to you and yours because you "betrayed" them by not giving them all they expected they deserved from you. All helping relationships are like this: any practicing shrink will tell you similar horror stories, so be careful when helping. If you don't know the mentee keep your real identity a secret from them until you're utterly sure they aren't the type to use that info. against you in a mood of hatred or spite, should it come to that.

Finally, question your motives for wanting to help others. Unless it's a really good friend and you think you can help alleviate some grief they are going through, why is it important that you help others? It's good to really think about and understand the answer to that question. The job is dangerous and hard and it takes a special sort of commitment to really help someone and not just do while it's fun and then dump the person if they get difficult on you.

Unda

This couple needs some bathing suit mentoring :

 

[MissTaken]

Nice post, Uce.

You are absolutely correct in bringing up the issues concerning motivation to mentor and what happens in the end?

I didn't seek out a mentee. She has contacted me on several occasions with questions. The last time, I told her aobut my friend and she very nicely asked if I would do that for her. I was and am honored by her request and gave it a bit of thought. I agreed.

I will add that anytime I offer assistance, here or in private, there is often a window of opportunity for me to search myself or learn a bit more about me. IT really is a give and take relationship.

Entering the arena of BDSM can be very confusing and often, people are guided or lead by those who are insincere, hoping only to cyber or even meet and scene, or have other lousy motives at heart.

This forum and my efforts as well as my efforts with my friend are to help others avoid some of the difficult times that I have had.

There can and should be far more positives to one's BDSM journey than negatives.

 

[moonstruck3774]

Nice post, Uce.


Entering the arena of BDSM can be very confusing . ..

There can and should be far more positives to one's BDSM
journey than negatives.

MissTaken

Entering this arena is confusing and your posts have been very helpful. I'd love to have another woman sub to talk to as I learn about this part of myself. It is so nice to have this board. I have to admit that most of the time I just read, trying to learn the 'ropes'. I'm not even sure what questions to ask but I do know how much I don't know and want to learn!

 

[MissTaken]

MissTaken

Entering this arena is confusing and your posts have been very helpful. I'd love to have another woman sub to talk to as I learn about this part of myself. It is so nice to have this board. I have to admit that most of the time I just read, trying to learn the 'ropes'. I'm not even sure what questions to ask but I do know how much I don't know and want to learn!

Thank you, moonstruck and welcome!

A hearty welcome.

Hop in and post when and where you like. I love lit because there are no wrong answers.
There are only right answers for you.

 

[moonstruck3774]

My friend who recommended this site told me you guys were friendly and welcoming. I took it on faith because he is a trustworthy guy and he is right--this is a friendly place. It also seems to feel like a safe place to 'explore'. . .It can be a little scary to relaize that you really want a Dom in your life--your real life not just a fantasy life so this board feels like a gift to me.

 

[froggy_day]

so is there anyone that doesn't or wouldn't want a mentor?

 

[MsWorthy]

Mentoring can be a heavy responsibility.

It becomes a frustrating waste of time if the person you are mentoring doesn't take it as seriously as she/he says she/he does.

If I do mentor again, I will make sure that we are on the same page in regards to our respective responsibilities/expectations in the relationship.

 

[Ghost's amaris]

MsWorthy,

I have to agree. That is why the one person that I am mentoring I knew a while before i started mentoring them. It takes knowledge of the other person and where they are as to where you are if you can help them.

To me it also takes for someone to know what they know and dont know and accept that and be willing to send the person they are mentoring to some one or some place where you know they can get the information they need to make the dicision or find the answer they are seaking. The person that is being the mentor really has to knwo there limits and ways to get the person they are mentoring the help and guidens they are seaking.

Ghost's amaris

 

[MissTaken]

Mentoring is truly not something to be taken lightly.

Nor should one make the decision to mentor quickly or with anything but the mentee's best interests at heart.

I believe it can be an important and useful tool for those who have engaged in the mentor/mentee relationship with care and open eyes.

A mentor can also cause undue strife and pain for a mentee if they do not take it seriously or do not keep their promises.

When my mentor is in "guide" mode, she has referred to me as "baby sub" or "lil one." Those nicknames alone indicate and aspect to the relationship that indicates a certain vulnerability.

Proceed with caution !

 

[zipman]

Mentors

I had a mentor at work for about 5 years. Great guy! Learned a lot from him, as he did from me, which is the nature of the mentor relationship. It is not a one-way street, but a learning opportunity for both people.

I have a few people at work that I actively mentor, however I have not done this with BDSM. I'm not sure if I would, and I'm not sure if I'm experienced enough to do that.

 

[MissTaken]

RE: experience

I believe any experience can be beneficial to others.

I also believe that when engaging in a mentoring relationship, you must know your own limits and voice them.

For me, I feel comfortable assisting a sub in finding herself, her needs and desires.

I feel comfortable in helping her to educate herself in terms of the basic rudiments of the lifestyle.

I also feel comfortable in helping her to spend her time and energy in the productive study of BDSM rather than finding one after another Dom/mes who aren't able, willing or interested in teaching her.

All of us must know ourselves before we can bring ourselves to a relationship.

That holds true regardless of your "role."

 

[Soron]

Teaching

For about two years I sat down and did some teaching of couples new to D/s. This was through a local club here in Florida. It was fulfilling in many ways for me and I hope for them.
The biggest thing I tried to instill on a practical level was safety. I also held small informal classes on rope bondage and flogging. Both can be loads of fun if done right. First aid was a class I gave as well. No one is perfect and Dominants need to know what to do in case something did happen. This is very important.
Other than that I've never really mentored a submissive or a young Dominant on a personal level. Although, I try to answer any questions I'm asked directly.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I have never mentored anyone.

 

[MissTaken]

I think you have, DR.

Every word we type here that reveals a bit of our POV or recommendations for how to continue or maintain in a BDSM type relationship is read not only by the 20 or so active posters.

So many lurk *waves sweetly*, just to see what is being said and to learn a bit here and there.

So, this forum does it's own piece of mentoring.

 

[eastTNbbw]

Re: Mentors

It is not a one-way street, but a learning opportunity for both people.

I in no way can comment on mentoring as it applies to BDSM but what zipman said is true and should be the expectation of any two people entering such a relationship.

I have mentored in other areas and I found that I was challenged to think through my views, experiences, and motives very carefully as I did. In doing so, I also benefitted and grew as I respond to questions raised by mentee.

I am new here MissTaken but I have done quite a lot of reading on the threads and each and every post here is a type of mentorship in itself. Good luck as you take on this new role.

 

[catalina_francisco]

bump

Francisco.