MacROGER (THE SCOTTISH TRAGEDY):an RPG

[Guest]

Thunder and lightning. Enter three Witches

GINGERSNAP:
When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

DEBORAH:
When the hurly-burly's done,
When the battle's lost and won.

RACHEL:
I'm not getting involved in any battles. I might break a nail. Do you know how long it's taken me to grow these?

DEBORAH:
Shut it, you big woose.
As I was saying,
When the hurly-burly's done,
When the battle's lost and won.

GINGERSNAP:
Where the place?

DEBORAH:
Upon the heath.

RACHEL:
There to meet with MacRoger.

She pulls at her skirt and fluffs up her hair.

GINGERSNAP:
Hey, keep your hands off my MacRoger, you frickin' slut! He's mine, bitch!

DEBORAH:
Can I have the left-overs? I hear those dudes on the White Island are uncut. I'm stock-piling foreskins so I can sew me a new man-made purse. They turn into a handbag when you rub them. How cool is that?

GINGERSNAP:
Oh, Jeez, Debz. That's foul.

DEBORAH:
Fair is foul, and foul is fair.

Enter MacRoger and Mr T

MACROGER:
So foul and fair a day I have not seen.

MR T:
What you talkin' about?

MACROGER:
spotting the three witches
What are these,
So withered and so wild in their attire,
That look not like the inhabitants o'the earth,
And yet are on't? Speak if you can! What are you?

MR T:
DAMN FOOL! I ain't gettin' on no airplane.

DEBORAH:
What do you mean "so withered and so wild"?
That's it! I'm doing one of my potions.
Round about the cauldron go;
In the poisoned entrails throw.
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.
Cool it with a baboon's blood;
Then the charm is firm and...

RACHEL:
Hang on, Debz! I want to see what he has under his kilt. What does a Scotsman really have under there?

GINGERSNAP:
You leave his haggis alone, slutface!

She swings her handbag at Rachel.

RACHEL:
Look at that! She broke my nail. YOU BITCH!

They start to scuffle, Gingersnap tearing open Rachel's blouse and pulling her hair.

GINGERSNAP:
I'll make you eat grass!

RACHEL:
Oh, God! You're sooooo blonde.

Rachel steals Gingersnap's shoe and runs off with it, her breasts bouncing madly. Meanwhile, Deborah stirs her cauldron.

DEBORAH:
Cool it with a baboon's blood;
Then the charm is firm and GOOD!
Take that, Scotsquatch!!!

There is a flash of pantomime pyrotechnics as MacRoger is transformed into a tiny pair of white panties. Enter The Panty Professor.

PANTY PROFESSOR:
I'll just take those. For my... uhm... studies.

He snatches them up and bounds off stage before anyone can stop him

RACHEL whips off GINGERSNAP's skirt as GINGERSNAP attempts to sink her teeth into her left breast.

Enter Rachel's Mother, Beatrice. She sees her daughter and Gingersnap writhing pretty much naked together on the ground, seemingly in an erotic clinch.

BEATRICE:
Oh my Goodness, it's true! My baby girl IS a porno star!

She turns to Deborah

BEATRICE:
So, what are you - the fluffer?

MR T
(shaking his head)
DAMN FOOL! I ain't gettin' on no airplane.

To be continued. But not by me.

 

[Slut_boy]

LOL. Methinks MacRoger has too much time on his hands.
*Enter MacRoger washing those same hands upon which all this time rests"

MacRoger: "Out out damn time".

 

[Deborah]

PANTY PROFESSOR:
These panties have a strange aroma. Don't smell like what I know and love.

GINGERSNAP:
Well, put them on, you stupid slut. It's how they "feel" that's most important.

PANTY PROFESSOR:
Roger that, Snapper. Yeow! I feel good!!! Nothing like 100% cotton.

BEATRICE:
Watch your fucking mouth, Gingersnap, or you will corrupt my son. You know, the one in the plaid dress. Hey Panty Professor, you have a mischievous incestuous smile. Can I be your mama?

RACHEL:
Where did Deborah go off to now?

MACROGER:
She's off in the corner squeezing Bobtoad's 12 3/4 inch penis, making up a brew of that toad's milk hallucinogenic stuff. Me next!

GINGERSNAP:
I don't think so, MacRoger. She's already got a mouthfull
with her transvestite panty professor and virgin bobtoad.

MR T:
You people are squirrel bait. Where's the fucking airplane? I changed my mind.

DEBORAH:
Stick around Mr. T. We are going to re-enact a scene from the bible. You know, the one where King Saul sends David to bring back the foreskins of the Palestine dudes, to trade for the king's daughter. I'm David. I need a new purse.

 

[Guest]

CRASSSSSSSSHHHHHHH!!!!!!

There is an unearthly clatter and MacRoger finds himself sitting alone on his ass out on the heath, rubbing his bruised skull as a gaggle of imaginary geese circle incessantly around his head, squawking and flapping. He shoos them off with one hand as he wipes his blurry eyes and peers down through the Scottish mist rising between his thighs.

MACROGER:
Is this a dagger I see before me?

He blinks and draws back in shock as recognition dawns on him

MACROGER:
Oi! Who the fuck's ran off with my little pink plaid skir.... uhm.... KILT? There's only one Slut around here daft enough to mess with a Scotsman's sporran. PROFESSOR!!!!

The Panty Professor appears, clutching a bundle of lady's lingerie, running in terror from the three witches as they chase after him, shaking their fists.

WITCHES:
Get back here with our panties NOW, Slut_boy!

The imaginary Mother Goose breaks away from the gaggle, spotting a tasty worm under the Professor's new pink skirt

MOTHER GOOSE:
Oh, yeah. Come to Mama!

THE PANTY PROFESSOR:
Drat! And I would've got away with it too if it hadn't been for those pesky hallucinogenics.


[Edited by Roger Simian on 01-03-2001 at 09:17 AM]

 

[Slut_boy]

Hark!!

*Enter the Panty Professor*

Alas, why should I give up the quest for my throne ... er ... panties now that I have worked so hard to aquire them. Indeed I have come this far and waded so deep in blood ... er ... pussy juice, that to go back would mean as much pussy juice to keep going forward.

*Panty Professor sniffs Deborah's gusset*

 

[Guest]

In a dark coven, somewhere in the forests surrounding the Emerald City, Flagg sits rubbing his crystal ball, a vicious little familiar bouncing on his shoulder, its little monkey face twisted in a vengeful sneer

FLAGG:
We'll show them, won't we my precious? They think they've got rid of me but I've been lurking here all along just waiting for my moment. Ouch!!! Fetch me another one of those donut cushions.

He rubs at the crystal ball as an image of Deborah in her finest strap-on and a Hannibal Lecter gag-mask snarls at The Panty Professor from behind the bars of her cell. The Professor cowers, terrified, clicking his shiny red crystal stiletto heels together

PANTY PROFESSOR:
There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

Gingersnap pats him reassuringly on the shoulder as Rachel tries to prize her favourite panties from his fingers

GINGERSNAP:
Don't worry. That's reinforced steel, Prof. It'll take Debz minutes to get out of there.

FLAGG:
I'll get you, Dorothy! And as for you Miss Rachel Picabia, my Crystal was ALWAYS a far more convincing girlie. Has nobody told you, those shoes really don't go with that skirt, sweetie?

FAMILIAR:
Oooh, miaow!

 

[Slut_boy]

What are you talking about Roger - I wouldn't be seen dead in "shiny red crystal heel stilettos". Red just isn't my colour. LOL.

 

[Guest]

MR T:
DAMN FOOL! Oh, well. I'll take those if nobody else is wanting them.

 

[Rachel Picabia]

http://vzone.virgin.net/dumbsulk.trigger/mr-t.jpg

 

[Guest]

WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

I'll sue your muthafuckin asses for this. I do NOT wear ladies shoes.

yours faithfully

BA (for "BAD attitude") Baracus

 

[Rachel Picabia]

I'll sue your muthafuckin asses for this. I do NOT wear ladies shoes.

Well, don't look at me, BA. I'm a fictional character.

rach
xox

 

[Guest]

The three witches wander starving and delirious along a tempestuous foreign shoreline as freakish rains batter down on them.

GINGERSNAP:
I'm hungry. We should've eaten Flagg when we had the chance back there.

DEBORAH:
Don't start, Ginger! You know it's my policy never to eat people after I've buttfucked them.

RACHEL:
That poor guy! Why was he on your "list", anyway? All he did was pretend to be a woman on a porn site so people would read his stories.

DEBORAH:
Don't tempt me, Rog... uh... I mean Rachel!

GINGERSNAP:
Jeez! What's with all this rain, anyway?

DEBORAH:
It's a sign.

RACHEL:
What kind of sign?

DEBORAH:
Don't you even know your book of Revelations?

RACHEL:
Uh, HELLO!!!! I'm a pagan. Look at my goth hairdo.

DEBORAH:
It's a sign that somebody's been stepping on the three-headed hellhound's tail and getting him all riled up. The last thing I need right now is that thing slavering around my ankles.

RACHEL:
What hellhound?

GINGERSNAP:
She means Lasher, you big dummy!

RACHEL:
Oh, that cute little pooch. Whatever happened to him I wonder? Wouldn't it be great if he was still around? He could sniff out some food for us.

GINGERSNAP:
pointing
Look! What's that lying washed up over there on the shore?

RACHEL:
It's a big green frog. Ewww! Look at the size of its great flapping red tongue. I wonder what that's for.

GINGERSNAP:
Heh-heh-heh!

RACHEL:
Oh, Ginger! You're such a perv.

GINGERSNAP:
SLUT!

RACHEL:
PERV!

GINGERSNAP:
SLUT!

RACHEL:
PERV!

DEBORAH:
Quit that, you two. It's not a frog. It's a Sea Monkey. That pile of crap over there next to it is Sea Monkey Doo-Doo. Don't you know ANYTHING?

RACHEL:
A Sea Monkey? What's it doing?

GINGERSNAP:
It's dead, you idiot! It's not doing anything.

RACHEL:
Oh, cool. That means we can eat it.

DEBORAH:
Yes. Who's for Sea Monkey Burgers?

RACHEL & GINGERSNAP:
ME! ME! ME!

 

[Bonnie Wee Lassie]

This stuff is getting way to out there for me. LOL

 

[Guest]

MACROGER:
bowing
Pleased to be of service.

 

[Guest]

Ring-a-ding-ding goes the dinner bell

DEBORAH:
OK girls, come and get it. The Sea Monkey Dead Monkey burgers are done.

RACHEL:
What's this other stuff?

DEBORAH:
Well, right here we have Stewed Expertise.

GINGERSNAP:
What's Expertise?

DEBORAH:
Not what, who. Don't worry, I removed the bones.

GINGERSNAP:
Yum, yum! I'm going to eat Beatrice one day you know, and I'm not talking cunnilingus.

PANTY PROFESSOR:
Hey, can't we eat too?

GINGERSNAP:
Sure, get your sweet ass under the table.

FLAGG:
I can't sit down, I can't sit down.

MACROGER:
That's a catchy tune. Wanna join my band Pluto Monkey?

FLAGG:
But that's an all girl band. (click, click) Nevermind.

GINGERSNAP:
Flagg, doesn't the donut cushion help? I have some pain killers in my purse. I'm a nurse you know, head nurse. MacRoger, get that headless dick out of my face!

MACROGER:
All the more material for Deb's purse, my dear.

RACHEL:
Deborah, what's this tasty dish?

DEBORAH:
Oh, that's Cream of Dillinger. We cooked his sorry ass for fucking with us instead of fucking us. I spiced it up with Asofoetida which is made from devil's dung.

PANTY PROFESSOR:
I knew that. The Hindu call it hing. Great laxative.

FLAGG:
Laxative? Oh no, does that mean more anal? I can't sit down, I can't sit down.

MR T:
Hey, are you girls really witches?

MACROGER:
Of course they are. Rachel has three tits. You know, an extra, the witch's tit.

PANTY PROFESSOR:
Well, I dunno if that's adequate proof. I'm a human rights advocate, you know. I know, let's have a trial! Why, just a few centuries ago alleged witches were hunted down, strip-searched, tortured, mutilated and executed. The genital search was a necessary requirement during any witch trial. Back then an enlarged clitoris was today's fingerprint and DNA evidence to prove one a witch.

MR T:
Yes! Clit check, clit check.

MACROGER:
Right after dinner. But let's move our activities to my dungeon.

(if you think MacRoger is weird, so read about the dude who fucks his dead dog in the "How To" forum)

 

[alexander tzara]

RACHEL:
Oh, look! There's another one of those little green Monkey See Monkey Dos flapping its great red tongue at us.



GINGERSNAP:
They're called Sea Monkeys, you dummy. Let's catch it for our supper.

DEBORAH:
Can I have the tongue?


My Stories

* * *
"A squid eating dough in a polyethylene
bag is fast 'n' bulbous, got me?"

~ captain beefheart ~

 

[Guest]

MR T:
Hey now, what's in the pickle jar?

NEVER IN DRAGG:
Candidates.

MR T:
Say what, dates?

NEVER IN DRAGG:
C-A-N-D-I-D-A-T-E-S you fucking dead stupid poodle.

MR T:
Candidates for what?

NEVER IN DRAG:
For my transplant.

MR T:
Hey MacRoger, I'm leaving on a jet plane ...

 

[Guest]

Get me outta this pickle jar!

 

[Guest]

MACROGER:
Well, don't look at me, Never In Dragg! Gingersnap's already donated mine to medical research.


http://vzone.virgin.net/dumbsulk.trigger/ladyboy.gif


GINGERSNAP:
It's true. I gave him a "John Bobbett" for his birthday.

PANTY PROFESSOR:
Wooo-hoooh! Nice, ya-yas, MacRoger! But, I hope you don't think you're getting your hands on my panty collection.

 

[Guest]

Yo mama, you my new bitch!

Rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated but you makin' me stiff.

 

[Guest]

There is a terrible crash and a shaking of the earth down on that gnarled foreign shoreline. Our anti-hero(ine)s tumble and fall around, wailing in terror as they are tossed and battered around in the sand. Finally the tremors subside and the group attempt to disentangle their limbs from each other.

GINGERSNAP:
What the fuck was that? I didn't know this thread was on a faultline.

RACHEL:
I know! Those things scare the shitting bejeezers out of me. I sometimes have these horrible nightmares about a huge gaping fiery chasm, sucking everything in to it.

MR T:
WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

PANTY PROFESSOR:
I think she's referring to her pussy.

RACHEL:
Shut your gob, Prof! I'm talking about earthquakes.

DEBORAH:
That wasn't an earthquake, you silly girl.

RACHEL:
It wasn't?

FLAGG:
Of course not. That was just Nightlight and Ambrosia starting up some new threads. It happens every morning - as sure as the sun rising. It's a bit of a giggle when they do that but unfortunately it pushes everybody else onto the second page.

GINGERSNAP:
Isn't that a bit unfair to everybody else?

MACROGER
Yeah, couldn't they just make all those comments on one or two strands?

DEBORAH:
Don't be stoopid, MacRoger! This is a porn site. It's SUPPOSED to be fun.