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Laughter is Contagious

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An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."
 
Ohhh am I going to be sore tomorrow from laughing so hard today!!!!!

My turn!!!!!


Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in here, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said: "Did you hear something?"

"No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!
 
Jail said:
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."
Click to expand...
ROTFLMFAO
 
Jail said:
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Click to expand...
ROTFLMAO
ROTFLMAO
 
Sights you might see in this country if the United Arab Emirates takes over the ports ...
 

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Sights you might see in this country if the United Arab Emirates takes over the ports ... (continued)

(sorry, PM, you beat me to the correction...these 2 are it)
 
copperbutterfly said:
Ohhh am I going to be sore tomorrow from laughing so hard today!!!!!

My turn!!!!!


Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in here, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said: "Did you hear something?"

"No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!
Click to expand...
OHOHOHOHOHOHohohohohoh...I can't stop laughing!!!
 
techsan said:
Sights you might see in this country if the United Arab Emirates takes over the ports ... (continued)

(sorry, PM, you beat me to the correction...these 2 are it)
Click to expand...
Lol........I can just see THOSE playboys flying off the shelf!
 
techsan said:
One day, a man named Tony died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.
"Damn income taxes!"
Click to expand...


OMFG i can not breathe ;)
 
copperbutterfly said:
OHHHHHH...stop the madness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit
a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to
the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up.
When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker.
And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another
question, in his obnoxious way...


"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do...
with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the
crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and
every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.


"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins
from the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough
we actually send them to the "Internal Revenue Service"."

"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And...
about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
Click to expand...

Oh hell ------------sides aching---------------- gasping
 
techsan said:
Cop Pulls an Older Woman Over



Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Click to expand...


Is that how i get outta a ticket???

I thought it was cleavage all these years :rolleyes:
 
techsan said:
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"
Click to expand...


kicking his ass out the door :D
 
techsan said:
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Click to expand...


OHHHHHHHHHHH SNAP -- out the door that bitch goes :devil:
 
Jail said:
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."
Click to expand...





OH SHIT​
 
Jail said:
ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Click to expand...


OH HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL---o
 
copperbutterfly said:
Ohhh am I going to be sore tomorrow from laughing so hard today!!!!!

My turn!!!!!


"No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!
Click to expand...







oh fucking owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww :devil:
 
Mr Duncan 001 said:
Think this might hurt a lot?
Click to expand...
LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'd feel pretty safe in that position, with the right size to hold on to.
 
techsan said:
The Competition

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them all a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try and catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI now goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The racoon is yelling, "Okay, Okay!!! Im a rabbit, Im a rabbit!"
Click to expand...


LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL :D
 
A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...........

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
 
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