Laughter is Contagious

[rozezwild]

Three guys - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer, are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each one of you one wish, which is three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Poooof! With the blink of the Genies eyes, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."

Poooof! Again, with the blink of the Genies eyes, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall"

The Genie explains, Well, it's 5000 feet high and 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water."

DAYUM

 

[rozezwild]

Four blondes walk into a bar. They are all dressed real nice and one of them is clutching a large picture frame.

One of them goes up to the bartender and orders the most expensive wine they have. The ladies go into the back and sit down. They start drinking and celebrating while staring at this picture frame.

The bartender can't see the front of the picture, but he is curious so he walks around to look at the frame. It's a completed puzzle of Cookie Monster. He asks them all why they are so happy about the puzzle that they would celebrate and frame it.

The blondes are all smiling and one of them says, "You know everyone says we are so stupid. Well, we showed them. You see that puzzle, the box said 7+ years and we did it in three weeks!!"

that is all you get

 

[rozezwild]

The Competition

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them all a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try and catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI now goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The racoon is yelling, "Okay, Okay!!! Im a rabbit, Im a rabbit!"

See the local police are always better

 

[rozezwild]

Ok.....ok....ok.... big breath....tissue wiping the tears....I think I have finally caught up...

Techie...please remind me to NOT go for several days without visiting here..... Catching up HURTS!!!!!! So many funny things....

Here is my tiny contribution for today!

*******
Your Wish Is My Command

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
Bitch.........

Oh hell like i wasn't laughing hard enough

 

[rozezwild]

Thank you Jail....you are pretty funny too!

How about this one?

The Spinster


As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied: "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: “Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple of days later the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen table and heard a buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked 'What the @#@# are you doing?'

The husband replied "I'm watching football with my son-in-law.”

OMG -- can we say smack upside the head

 

[rozezwild]

For All us Drunks out there, this ones for you....The dare is to actually try it



A man goes into a bar and orders 12 shots of tequila. The bartender looks on as the guy downs one after another.

As he slams the 10th one, the bartender says, "I don’t think you should be drinking those so fast."

"You would if you had what I have," the man says, throwing back number 11.

"Well, what is it you have?"

The man throws back his last shot and says, "Fifty cents."

been there -- done that -- then went to the car and got my wallet

 

[techsan]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

[techsan]

One day, a man named Tony died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.

He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos, Tony asked him what was going on. Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more than you did." They both shook their heads and figured that, as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos and their two beastly women were walking along one day, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn they saw their friend John up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel-centerfold woman. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact, it was their friend John. They asked him how is it that he is with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these digustingly awful women.

John replied, "I have no idea and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been positively the best time of my life (and I'm dead!) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing I can't seem to understand. Every time after we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself "Damn income taxes!"

 

[copperbutterfly]

One day, a man named Tony died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.

"Damn income taxes!"

OHHHHHH...stop the madness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit
a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to
the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up.
When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker.
And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another
question, in his obnoxious way...


"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do...
with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the
crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and
every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.


"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins
from the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough
we actually send them to the "Internal Revenue Service"."

"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And...
about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

 

[pleaz_me]

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit
a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to
the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up.
When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker.
And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another
question, in his obnoxious way...


"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do...
with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the
crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and
every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.


"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins
from the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough
we actually send them to the "Internal Revenue Service"."

"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And...
about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

ROFLMAO!!!!!! These are allll wayyyyyyyy tooooooo funny!!!!!!!

 

[techsan]

OHHHHHH...stop the madness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit
a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to
the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up.
When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker.
And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another
question, in his obnoxious way...


"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do...
with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the
crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and
every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.


"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins
from the circumcisions? "

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough
we actually send them to the "Internal Revenue Service"."

"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And...
about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

LMAO ... the Jews strike back!!!

 

[techsan]

It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

 

[pleaz_me]

It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

 

[techsan]

Cop Pulls an Older Woman Over

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

[techsan]

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:

He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange"!

 

[INeedLove]

Hi Techie! I hope you are having a good evening! I haven't seen you in the other thread. Kisses!

 

[techsan]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

 

[techsan]

Hi Techie! I hope you are having a good evening! I haven't seen you in the other thread. Kisses!

Hi, INL...I'm doing well. Hope you are too. Sorry I've been so busy with this thing I haven't gotten over there. I haven't forgotten though and I WILL be back.

 

[pleaz_me]

Cop Pulls an Older Woman Over

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

I love it!!!!!!!! I can't wait to use this one!

 

[pleaz_me]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman began to laugh about the situation
considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

*GULP!*​

 

[techsan]

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

 

[Jail]

http://www.jokefrog.com/pictures/1955.jpg

 

[Jail]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."

 

[Jail]

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

 

[Jail]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"