Laughter is Contagious V2

[fraankhardy]

Breast Fetish!

A guy had an obsession with women's breasts. So he went to a psychologist and told the doctor about his problem.

"I am going to do word association," explained the doctor. "I am going to say a word, and you will say the first thing that come to your mind."

"OK Doctor," replied the guy.

Doctor, "Oranges".

"Breasts," replied the guy.

"Apples"

"Breasts"

"Watermelons"

"Breasts"

"Wipers"

"Breasts," said Santa.

"Wait a minute! I can see the connections between oranges, apples, watermelons and breasts. But automobile's wipers? Where is the connection?" asked the doctor.

"Easy, one on the left and one on the right!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Ours!!!

Husband: Every time you talk you say my chair, my car, my TV, everything is yours. You never say ours. I'm your HUSBAND! It should be "ours".

Wife pays no attention as she is looking for something.

Husband: You are not even paying attention to what I'm saying. What are you looking for?

Wife: Our panties!

 

[fraankhardy]

What's Your Favorite Word ?

A radio station was running a competition: Tell a word that's not in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96 FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"

Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced 'go-an'."

DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"

The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until...

DJ: "96 FM, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."

DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"

Caller: "Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."

DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"

Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!!!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Missed Periods!!!

Why I stopped dating school girls:

She came to my place in a school uniform, looked me into my eyes and said, "Sweetheart, I have missed my periods..."

Thats how I fainted & when I woke up in a hospital.

I over heard her telling the nurse that, "I didn't know he cared so much about my academic life, all I wanted to tell him was that I had missed my periods for Maths and English, but he fainted before I could finish..."

 

[fraankhardy]

Tired and Exhausted!

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that shit!"

 

[fraankhardy]

Do it... or Walk Home!

Josh lusted after Linda.

When she finally agreed to go out with him, he took her out to dinner and then afterwards, drove her five miles out into the country, parked, and said passionately, "I want you right here, right now. Do it... or you can walk home!"

Without saying a word, Linda got out of the car and walked home. A month later, after much apologising, Linda agreed to go out with Josh again.

This time he drove ten miles out in the country, parked, and begged, "Please. I must make love to you right now. Do it... or walk home!"

Again, Linda walked home. Two months later, after even more apologising and gifts of flowers and jewellery, she accepted another invitation. This time, just to make sure, Josh drove fifty miles out of town and gave her the same ultimatum. Without a word, Linda undressed and gave him the greatest sex of his young life.

As they were driving home, Josh asked, "Why did you walk home the first two dates, when you so obviously enjoy sex?"

Linda answered, "Well, it's like this: I'll walk five miles or even ten miles to save a friend from AIDS, but fifty..."

 

[fraankhardy]

Funny Signboards!

Signboard outside a Prayer Hall:
Please Do Not Leave Your Bags, Wallets, Cell Phones Unattended... Others Might Think Those Are The Answers To Their Prayers.

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN are not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

SignBoard outside GARAGE:
If we can't repair your brakes we make your horns louder...

Signboard outside A Bar:
Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance

Signboard outside Driving School:
"If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.....

Signboard outside Library:
Statutory Warning... While reading Kamasutra, please hold the book with BOTH Hands...

 

[philos]

Re subscribe

 

[ga400us]

Old Dress

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week,
and I wanted to ask you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman
in a fine suit, and he brings me such pretty flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there; a
limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then
we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we come back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my
new dress and has his way with me 3 times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you're telling me I shouldn't go?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

 

[ga400us]

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age, sitting a couple of stools down had also over-heard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says, "Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that shit!"

Yep, that'll do it.

 

[ga400us]

Investment tips for 2014

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later on this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

 

[ga400us]

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell
phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't
afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.


You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that
people didn't like me anyway.


I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer
cans!

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call
it 'Pumping Rust'.


I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest
is falling into your drawers!


When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you
got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'


Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in
case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!


I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming
for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then poop on your
car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy
a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.


Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.


If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.


The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when
he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS'
together it spells 'Theirs...'


Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth,
think of Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth .
. ...
AMEN

 

[ga400us]

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.


2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.


3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.


4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?


7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.


8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.


9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.


10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.


11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.


12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.


14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.


15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.


16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.


17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".


19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.


___________________________________________________________

 

[ga400us]

Phonetic Phuns

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!


A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.


I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.


PMS jokes aren't funny. Period...


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?


When you get a bladder infection; urine trouble.


Broken pencils are pointless.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.


I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


Velcro - what a rip off!

 

[ga400us]

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:



10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!



9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.



8. Viagra, like a rock!



7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.



6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.



5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.



4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.



3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!



2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!


And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.

 

[ga400us]

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, ' Ontario '.

'Really?', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[ga400us]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and
said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with
a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last
four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[ga400us]

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that
tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a
beech nor a son of a birch.

It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

Now wipe that smile off your face. And pass it on..

 

[ga400us]

HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Are you clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.

 

[ga400us]

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon. He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand. Little Charlie Baumann.

The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

 

[ga400us]

Gentleman Golfer

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says,
"Private property Stay Out! "

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and
throws it into the yard.

The man says, "What is that for?"

Gentleman replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."

 

[ga400us]

Warning: Scam Against Older Men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

 

[musicman1978]

Some classics from the late, great, Mitch Hedberg:

"I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something."

"My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"

 

[smotherman]

"Solitary Confinement"


Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.

They are each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

 

[ChattyCathy123]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie