Laughs For The Day

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Snappy Answers

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am they're dead."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car & the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low bridge ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver puts his hands on his hips & says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
----------------------------------------------------------
THE TEACHER - SNAPPY ANSWER OF THE YEA

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excusesfor you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
---------------------------------
An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.
"You know" she said, "We were probably sitting in the kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.""Yea" he said, "But we were probably naked." "So let's get naked now" she suggested. So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from eachother. "You know" she said smiling lovingly "My nipples feel just as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." He replied "I'm sure they are - one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING* [Guys take note.]

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun. a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.



This was sent to me by a friend in the form of a e-joke.

 

[LordOfDarkness]

good show

 

[curious2c]

What could possibly be better than roses on my piano?









Tulips on my organ.

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

THOUGHS OF THE DAY

THOUGHTS OF THE DAY
13. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway...

12. Life is sexually transmitted...

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die...

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich...

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks...

8. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again...

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism...

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...

2.Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...

AND THE # THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security...

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

Remember, there is no way you can look as bad as that person on your drivers license.

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

11. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Humpty Dumpty was pushed!

If you don't send this to at least 8 people.... who gives a flip??


Have a Great Day!!!!

 

[LordOfDarkness]

good advice. http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/contrib/ruinkai/biggrinyoyoA.gif

 

[dragonhearted]

hellooooooooooooo Lord of Darkness! Long time no see! Tried to PM just now but your box is full

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

The Blonde Samaritan

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches
up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck,
and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather,
and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up
and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the
window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing
some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker
ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs
up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the
window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather,
and you are l! osing some of your load!!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and
races to the next light. When he stops this time, he
hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the
blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers
it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota, and
I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

A Redneck Valentine

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Them fellers at work they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't me! an like those far ants I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth like a good flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive, I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these just won't do.
Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without! taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds... it's a new troll'n motor!!

 

[LordOfDarkness]

All are Equal

The following scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg and London. A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess. "Madam, what is the matter?" the hostess asked.

"You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an alternative seat."
"Please be calm," the hostess replied. Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is available."

The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the economy class. I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is also no seat in the business class. All the same, we still have one place in the first class."

Before the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. "It is not usual for our company to permit someone from the economy class to sit in the first class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone sooooo disgusting."

She turned to the black guy, and said. "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please take your hand luggage because a seat awaits you in the first class."

At that moment, the other passengers who were shocked by what they had just witnessed stood up and applauded.

 

[dragonhearted]

Stands up and applauds!!!

GREAT story!!! Give that hostess a RAISE!!!

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

"The Year 1903"

(This stuff will blow your mind......think about each one for a second after you read about it...........and ENJOY!!!)

The year is 1903, 100 years ago (one hundred years ago)...... what a difference a century makes.

Here are the U.S. statistics for the year....... 1903.

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was forty-seven.

Only 14 Percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated
than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California
was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.!

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent
accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year,
a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical
engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead,
they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press
and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee
cost fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks
for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for
any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and
Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write.

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at
corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the
complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant
or domestic.

There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

Just think what it will be like in another 100 years. It boggles the mind.



Subject: Taxes

Read all the way to the bottom

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines (indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Interest expense (tax on the money)
Inventory tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road usage taxes (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation)
Trailer registration tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation
was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national
debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home
to raise the kids.


WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED ??

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Ludicrous Laws

Information provided by Kaplan Test Prep & Admissions and dumblaws.com
If you ever find yourself thinking, "There oughtta be a law ...," you're not alone. The truth is, there are lots of laws out there--and many of them can seem pretty silly and inconsequential. But they're bona fide laws nonetheless that, when broken, carry some stiff penalties. Crazy, but true, these are some of the laws they DON'T teach you about in law school...
1.
LAW: It is illegal to transport a skunk across state lines.
COUNTRY: USA / STATE: Tennessee
CITATION: 70-4-208. Unlawful importation of skunks - Penalty.
ACTUAL: (a) It is unlawful for any person to import, possess, or cause to be imported into this state any type of live skunk, or to sell, barter, exchange or otherwise transfer any live skunk, except that the prohibitions of this section shall not apply to bona fide zoological parks and research institutions.
2.
LAW: It is illegal to taunt someone for refusing to participate in a duel.
COUNTRY: USA / STATE: West Virginia
CITATION: §61-2-24. Taunting for nonparticipation in duel; penalty.
ACTUAL: If any person post another, or in writing or in print use any reproachful or contemptuous language to or concerning another, for not fighting a duel, or for not sending or accepting a challenge, he shall be guilty of a misdemeanor, and, upon conviction, shall be confined in jail not more than six months, or fined not exceeding one hundred dollars.
3.
LAW: There is a one-dollar fine for every instance of public drunkenness and/or swearing.
COUNTRY: USA / STATE: West Virginia
CITATION: §61-8-15. Profane swearing and drunkenness; penalty.
ACTUAL: If any person arrived at the age of discretion profanely curse or swear or get drunk in public, he shall be fined by a justice one dollar for each offense.
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4.
LAW: It is illegal to require someone to purchase a horror comic book.
COUNTRY: USA / STATE: California
CITATION: Cal Bus & Prof Code §16603 Requiring purchase of horror comic book as condition to sale or consignment of magazine or other publication.
ACTUAL: Every person who, as a condition to a sale or consignment of any magazine, book, or other publication requires that the purchaser or consignee purchase or receive for sale any horror comic book, is guilty of a misdemeanor, punishable by imprisonment in the county jail not exceeding six months, or by fine not exceeding one thousand dollars ($ 1,000), or by both.

As used in this section "horror comic book" means any book or booklet in which an account of the commission or attempted commission of the crime of arson, assault with caustic chemicals, assault with a deadly weapon, burglary, kidnapping, mayhem, murder, rape, robbery, theft, or voluntary manslaughter is set forth by means of a series of five or more drawings or photographs in sequence, which are accompanied by either narrative writing or words represented as spoken by a pictured character, whether such narrative words appear in balloons, captions or on or immediately adjacent to the photograph or drawing.

5.
LAW: It is required by law that you make a loud noise when passing a car on the left.
COUNTRY: USA / STATE: Rhode Island
CITATION: §31-15-4 Overtaking on left.
ACTUAL: The following rules shall govern the overtaking and passing of vehicles proceeding in the same direction, subject to those limitations, exceptions, and special rules stated in this section:
(1) The driver of a vehicle overtaking another vehicle proceeding in the same direction shall give a timely, audible signal and shall pass to the left at a safe distance and shall not again drive to the right side of the roadway until safely clear of the overtaken vehicle.
(2) Except when overtaking and passing on the right is permitted, the driver of the front vehicle on the audible signal of the overtaking vehicle shall give way to the right, and shall not increase speed until completely passed by the overtaking vehicle.
6.
LAW: It is illegal for a bingo game to last longer than five hours, unless the bingo is being played at a fair.
COUNTRY: USA / STATE: North Carolina
CITATION: §14-309.8. Limit on sessions.
ACTUAL: The number of sessions of bingo conducted or sponsored by an exempt organization shall be limited to two sessions per week and such sessions must not exceed a period of five hours each per session. No two sessions of bingo shall be held within a 48-hour period of time. No more than two sessions of bingo shall be operated or conducted in any one building, hall or structure during any one calendar week and if two sessions are held, they must be held by the same exempt organization. This section shall not apply to bingo games conducted at a fair or other exhibition conducted pursuant to Article 45 of Chapter 106 of the General Statutes.
7.
LAW: A man may not seduce a woman by lying, and claiming he will marry her.
COUNTRY: USA / STATE: Mississippi
CITATION: 97-29-55 Seduction of female over age of eighteen by promised or pretended marriage.
ACTUAL: If any person shall obtain carnal knowledge of any woman, or female child, over the age of eighteen years, of previous chaste character, by virtue of any feigned or pretended marriage or any false or feigned promise of marriage, he shall, upon conviction, be imprisoned in the penitentiary not more than five years; but the testimony of the female seduced, alone, shall not be sufficient to warrant a conviction.
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8.
LAW: One must not collect seaweed.
COUNTRY: USA / STATE: New Hampshire
CITATION: TITLE XVIII
FISH AND GAME
CHAPTER 207
GENERAL PROVISIONS AS TO FISH AND GAME
Collecting Seaweed
Section 207:48
ACTUAL: In Night: If any person shall carry away or collect for the purpose of carrying away any seaweed or rockweed from the seashore below high-water mark, between daylight in the evening and daylight in the morning, he shall be guilty of a violation.
9.
LAW: It is illegal to wear a bulletproof vest while committing a murder.
COUNTRY: USA / STATE: New Jersey
CITATION: 2C:39-13 Unlawful use of body vests.
ACTUAL: A person is guilty of a crime if he uses or wears a body vest while engaged in the commission of, or an attempt to commit, or flight after committing or attempting to commit murder, manslaughter, robbery, sexual assault, burglary, kidnapping, criminal escape or assault under N.J.S.2C:12-1b. Use or wearing a body vest while engaged in the commission of, or an attempt to commit, or flight after committing or attempting to commit a crime of the first degree is a crime of the second degree. Otherwise it is a crime of the third degree.
10.
LAW: Unless a customer orders it specifically, it's against the law to serve margarine instead of butter at a restaurant.
COUNTRY: USA / STATE: Wisconsin
CITATION: 97.18(4)
ACTUAL: (4) The serving of colored oleomargarine or margarine at a public eating place as a substitute for table butter is prohibited unless it is ordered by the customer.

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Shipwreck

A Welshman, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "You wouldn't mind taking the dog for a walk would you ?"

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Airport Security

Thought you might like this one, click on the link below. Very sexy!!!!

http://home.chello.no/~siamak.javid/etc/NewAirportSecurity.swf

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Just a little humor to start the week...Ellen

PS. All those of you planning to participate in our wellness program, get me your registration forms!



Thanks Ellen



WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST



She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



WOMEN'S REVENGE



"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."





UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)



I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.





MARRIAGE SEMINAR



While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.







CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS



A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?



He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.



(Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton



*****************************************************

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



*************************************************************



A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



**************************************************************

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!







****************************************************************************



Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper. "Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me."

"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"





*******************************************************************





A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says....





"HEBREWS"

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

ODD BUT TRUE?

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for bloodplasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.


The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first "Marlboro! Man."

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second?
William Jefferson Clinton.
(Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!)

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that; don't YOU?)

Now you know everything there is to know.

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

So here it is...THE LUCKY JOKE:

This is a joke that should bring you luck.



An elderly woman walked into the US Bank one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.



After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right),an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.



The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.

She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".



The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.



The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"



The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."



The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.



The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"



"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."



"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."



"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.



That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.



The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.



The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.



The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president..



"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."



The elderly woman did so with a little smile.



Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. The bank president asked the elderly woman why the lawyer was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the US Bank!"





The origin of this story is unknown but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.





Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck.

Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days.



Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on!

If you send this page to more than 5 people, you will have good luck for the next 5 years in addition to the luck you will have within the next 4 days.

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Marriage

Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.………whether you're here or not."
( SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads," Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOUTHINK CAN HANDLE IT.

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

This is great... but looonnggg!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving"right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had allot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking,"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:” So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?” Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

FBI PC MONITORING

In the interest of Homeland Security, the FBI will now be monitoring your web activities. The FBI assures us that you will not notice this unobtrusive monitoring program Click the link below to continue. <o></o>


Click here: FBI Monitoring Method

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/index.html

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Joke of The Day

An extremely old man goes to his doctor and gets a very thorough physical exam.
Doc says--So How' are you doing? The old man says--Oh doc, great, I married a 25-year-old chick and she's expecting our first baby
Doc says---oh, that’s great. That reminds me of a friend of mine. He went hunting but instead of bringing his shotgun he brought his umbrella. He gets out there and sees a beaver. He aims with the umbrella, pulls the trigger. The umbrella opens up, and the beaver drops dead.
Old man exclaims--oh doc, that’s impossible. Some other guy must've shot that beaver.

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

ADULT SEX QUIZ

I DIDN'T WANT TO RISK NOT SENDING THIS AS

YOU WILL SEE AT THE BOTTOM



Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife,but you can't beat a blowjob.



Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

A.) So men can be open minded.



Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?

A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.



Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.



Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?

A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!



Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...

A.) "Is it in?"



Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.



Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?

A.) One of his fingers is clean.



Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?

A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.



Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?

A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

****************

Send This To 3 People You Know, Or You'll Have Bad Sex For The Rest Of Your Life....



I sent it to more. Didn't want to miss out.

Hehehehehe !!!!!!!!

 

[Cotedebeaune]

Confessional

"Bless me father-- for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now.
"Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But
you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for
three full months. Be off with you now!"
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd you
get?"
"Three months vacation and five good leads."


(Courtesy of an e-mail from Rania)