Laughs For The Day

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this,so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.
The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "It worked!
The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

 

[Weird Harold]

...The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
..."Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Cute. In fact they're just as cute whenyou posted them the first time -- you really should post the jokes all in one thread so you can review it and remember which ones you've already posted.

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Re: Re: Laughs For The Day

Cute. In fact they're just as cute whenyou posted them the first time -- you really should post the jokes all in one thread so you can review it and remember which ones you've already posted.

I don't recall this particular spam being posted by me before. There is a way to locate all of my posts using the search engine.

 

[LordOfDarkness]

Re: Re: Re: Laughs For The Day

I don't recall this particular spam being posted by me before. There is a way to locate all of my posts using the search engine.

Jeez, Harold, whats with you lately?

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: Re: Re: Laughs For The Day

I don't recall this particular spam being posted by me before. There is a way to locate all of my posts using the search engine.

The search button at the bottom of each of your posts hides this link: http://www.literotica.com/forum/search.php?s=&action=finduser&userid=47506

That will show all of your individual posts witha short preview pane so you don't have to open each one.

It's possible that it wasn't you who posted the previous copy of that particular spam, but multiple posts of the same joke by the same person is a recurring problem with those who share lots of jokes. (DannyboyUK was especially bad about remembering which jokes he's already posted.)

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Laughs For The Day

The search button at the bottom of each of your posts hides this link: http://www.literotica.com/forum/search.php?s=&action=finduser&userid=47506

That will show all of your individual posts witha short preview pane so you don't have to open each one.

It's possible that it wasn't you who posted the previous copy of that particular spam, but multiple posts of the same joke by the same person is a recurring problem with those who share lots of jokes. (DannyboyUK was especially bad about remembering which jokes he's already posted.)

Well all it takes is a few to complain and I will stop posting all together. I have already done that on other boards.

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Airline Humor

Good humor...
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

******
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
******
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

******
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out off this airplane."

******

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
******

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at a Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

******

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."

******

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

******
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite.

******

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

******
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

******

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."

******

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

******
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,none of them are on this flight!"

******
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

******
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

******

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

******

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot."What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

******

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."


******
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

 

[LordOfDarkness]

http://www.rumproast.com/v1/stillfunny.html

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Law Enforcement Funnies

THESE ARE SOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caught for speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

±±±±±±±±±±±

Stuck under a bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

±±±±±±±±±±±
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk" The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

±±±±±±±±±±±

Dealing with trouble

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

±±±±±±±±±±±

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Children's Prayers.

Subject: Children's prayers

1. Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Ginny

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet

4. Dear - God if we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton - because I hate her. Denise

5. Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).

6. Dear God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison

7. Dear God, How did you know you were God? Charlene

8. Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita

9. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nan

10. Dear God: Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother. Darla

11. Dear God, I like the story about Chanuka the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. Glenn

12. Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis

13. Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan

14. Dear God, It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? Arnold

15. Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

16. Dear God, In bible times did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer

17. Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything. Jane

18. Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Seymour

19. Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year. Peter

20. Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry

21. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't forget. Mark

22. Dear God, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. Dean

23. Dear God, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. Marsha

24. Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Mickey D.

25. Dear God, Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business? Donny

26. Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation? Jane

27. Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your Idea. Sincerely, Donna

28. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God. Charles

29. Dear God, It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right places. Jeff

30. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Jimmy

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

THE COUGH

Subject: THE COUGH



The Cough
So, the owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" and the clerk goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." and the owner goes
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" and the clerk goes, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

 

[LordOfDarkness]

Re: Law Enforcement Funnies

THESE ARE SOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caught for speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

±±±±±±±±±±±

Stuck under a bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

±±±±±±±±±±±
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk" The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

±±±±±±±±±±±

Dealing with trouble

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

±±±±±±±±±±±

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

hee hee hee hur hur hur ehek ehek ehek haw haw haw

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Two Terrorists

Two terrorists are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
There's a pause.
Then, the second terrorist says, wistfully: "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"



A man steps in a pile of dog shit and then as he's scraping it off his shoe, a woman steps in it as well.
"I just did that," says the man.
"You dirty bastard!" she says. "There's a toilet in the tavern down the road, you know!"


Decisions, decisions

A blonde in her fourth freshman year at UCLA, sat in her U.S. Government Class, when the professor asked her if she knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was.
She sat there for quite a while pondering this very profound question and finally sighed and said, "I think that is the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware!"

 

[mig]

No 14

Is that funny or very true?.

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Cannons

Cute story, probably true and I sure don't want to take a chance of killing my mouse!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannon fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?
The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But if this plate was
made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!" (And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)

You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least ten of your unsuspecting friends. If you don't, your floppy is going to fall off your hard drive and kill your mouse.

 

[LordOfDarkness]

Re: Cannons

Cute story, probably true and I sure don't want to take a chance of killing my mouse!

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannon fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck?
The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But if this plate was
made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey!" (And all this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)

You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least ten of your unsuspecting friends. If you don't, your floppy is going to fall off your hard drive and kill your mouse.

Done. I've sent it to 12 of my vampire friends. Now my floppy and mouse is safe.

Thanks.

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

More Laughs

A blond was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos.She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it overto the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "why, that's a thermos it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "Wow," said the blond,"that's amazing...I'm going to buy it! So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who is also blond, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked. "Why, that's a thermos..it keeps hot
things hot and cold things cold." she replied. "Who, that's amazing," said the boss, what do you have in it?" "Two Popsicles and some coffee."




Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate for assistance.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator
Daschle. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day to yerself. This is Father O'Malley at
St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, repliedwith a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Who wears the pants?

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for
little fireside chat...... He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my
wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to
your mother, and said, here - try these on." So, she did and said, "these
are too big, I can't wear them". So I replied, "...exactly. I wear the
pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never
had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.
So on, his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here
try these on." So she does and says, "these are too large, they don't fit
me.."
So Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always
will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "here
you try on mine." " So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." So
Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change your smartass attitude, you
never will."

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

St. Mom's Wort

S t . M o m's W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ...can we get naked now?"

B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases
potency and duration of spending spree.

E x t r a S t r e n g t h B u y-O n e-a l l
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too
eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S e x c e d r i n
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not
now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the same
irritation as ragging on him all weekend.

 

[LordOfDarkness]

What is Count Dracula's favorite snack?

A fangfurter.

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

GOD'S "E" MAIL

Subject: GOD'S "E" MAIL


Message

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3
Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others


I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3 To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code (666)


For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
Thank you and have a heavenly day.

Pass this on if you wish to brighten some one's day

 

[Mrs Christophe]

love your jokes, they made my day, keep posting please

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

A Thought

THAT'S RICH

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village and an American tourist asked the fisherman how long it took him to catch his fish. "Not long," answered the Mexican.

"So why didn't you stay out long and catch more?" asked the American. The Mexican explained his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The American asked: "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted: "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat, with the extra money the larger boat will bring. You can buy a second and a third and so on until you have a fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants ad maybe open your own plant. You can then leave this village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles or even New York. From there you can direct your enterprise.

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican. Oh, 20, maybe 25 years, replied the American.

"And after that?"

That's when it gets really interesting, answered the American. "When your business gets really big, you can sell stock and make millions"
"Millions?

"And then what?" "After that, you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny
village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar."

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

Halloween Costumes

Halloween Costumes
A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the
door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are
awful cute.Who are you supposed to be?" "We're Jack and Jill" she replied.
The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" So, they go off
and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the door
bell and once again and the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn
cute. Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the
little boy."Well, hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and
Gretel because you're black!" Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much
later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door
there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED. "Oh my! And just
who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks. "Chocolate M & M's," said little girl.
"I'm plain. He's got nuts."

 

[SEX_VAMPYRE]

True Stories

1. CURL UP AND DIE:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX

2. PAD PLEASE:
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance.
He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow
as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad.
He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. Kate
Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC

3. HO, HO, HO:
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and
wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked
adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out
so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas
cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically,
and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was
shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection
in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!Name Withheld
4. LADY GOLFER:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked
at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen
Collins,31, Ferndale, MI
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a Store that sold a variety
of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the
counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,
and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let
me forget. Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

6. PRICELESS:
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got
up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and
boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX,
SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store
apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." I n a
business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU
WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A
HAMMER?"

7. MOM'S ADVICE:
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back
to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging
out. "I thought I told you to call your mom," she screamed. "I did,"
he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd
come and pick me up from school."