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Laughs For The Day

IQ

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "50." The robot then said, "So, are you Democrats really going to vote for John Kerry?"
 
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy biker bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw one of the bikers stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, & try his keys on five different bikes before he found his. Then, sat on the bike fumbling around several minutes, looking as if he might pass out right there. Everyone left the bar and rode off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the biker, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The biker replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

:devil:
 
A ten year old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"
" No!", said the boy, and he kept walking.
The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says "Hey kid, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back."
" No!", said the boy and he proceeded down the street a little quicker.
The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."
At this point, the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!"

:devil: :devil:
 
A man dies & appears at The Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?. Have you exhibited courage?", St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once I came upon a group of Bikers who were bothering a young woman.
I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and meanest looking one. I smacked him
on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Now get out of here."

St. Peter was visibly impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a few minutes ago."

:devil:
 
Time To Play Cowboys and Muslims?

There were three men sitting
on a bench, one was a Texan
wearing a cowboy hat, one was a
Muslim wearing a turban, and
the last fellow was an Apache
with a feather in his hair.
The Indian was sad and gloomy as he
said, "My people were many, but
now we are few."

The Muslim puffs up and said,
"Once my people were few, but
now we are many."

The Texan adjust his hat, rolls
a smoke, leans back and drawls
out, "That's because we ain't
played Cowboys and Muslims yet."
 
Science Class

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continu! ed, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind, two, you didn't read your homework, and three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
 
BAD PUN ALERT!!

There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed w hen suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...
(you're going to love this)
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
 
Last edited:
HUMOR : oil change for her and for him

Oil Change instructions for Women ---------------------------------

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.



2) Drink a cup of coffee.



3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.



Money spent :

Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men -------------------------------

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.



2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.



3) Open a beer and drink it.



4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.



5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.



6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.



7) Place drain pan under engine.



8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.



9) Give up and use crescent wrench.



10) Unscrew drain plug.



11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil, splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.



12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.



13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.



14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.



15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.



16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.



17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.



18) Sunday : Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.



19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.



20) Beer ? No, drank it all yesterday.



21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.



22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.



23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.



24) Remember drain plug from step 11.



25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.



26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.



27) Drink beer.



28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.

Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.



29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.



30) Drink beer.



31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.



32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.



33) Begin cussing fit.



34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.



35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.



36) Beer.



37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.



38) Beer.



39) Beer.



40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.



41) Beer.



42) Lower car from jack stands.



43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.



44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.



45) Beer.



46) Test drive car.



47) Get pulled over : arrested for driving under the influence.



48) Car gets impounded.



49) Call loving wife, make bail.



50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.



Money spent :

Parts $50.00 Driving Under Influence $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total-- $4165.00



-- But you know the job was done right
 
Bobbitt Update

Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested
yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the
same act on her husband as her famous sister had
done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister
was not as accurate as Lorena.


She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her
husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been
charged with ....









(scroll down)


Misdewiener


OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going
to send this on to somebody
 
GM vs Microsoft

All of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like!
Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start"button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate their computer!
 
Iraqi Rose???/MESSAGE TO THE MOON

Two US Marines are listening to the radio in Iraq.
"American soldiers," coos a soft female voice, "Your so-called national leaders have lied to you. You are needlessly risking your lives to wage a useless, unjust, illegal, and unwinnable war. Now is the time to return home to your loved ones, while you are still alive.

If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted, the brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name to the long ever-increasing casualty list of this insane war.

So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so-called president who has repeatedly lied and deceived you at every opportunity? Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fatter profits?

The only wise thing to do is return home now, while you are still drawing breath, before you return zippered into a body bag."



"What's this?" sneers one Marine. "An Islamo-terrorist version of Tokyo Rose?"

"No," answers the other. "It's just a CNN commentator."




Roy

NAVAJO - MESSAGE TO THE MOON
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.

When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official, accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message: "Watch out for these assholes. They have come to steal your land."
 
Daughters...read to the end

Makes you think doesn't it??? A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letterover the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: > It is withgreat regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I foundreal passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer inthe woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I'velearned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends,who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasies we may want. In the meantime,we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deservesit. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 y! ears old now and I know how to take care of myself.Some day I'll visi t for you to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, JudithPS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worstthings in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!
 
BLONDES

T.G.I.F. vs. S.H.I.T
A businessman got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F."He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly, He again answered,"S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered,
"'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
 
Irish Woman

An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?” asks the doctor? "Not a chance,” she said. "He won't even take an aspirin. "Not a problem," replied the doctor.” Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how everything went." It wasn't a week later, but what she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed,"Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! ‘Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor.” Really? What happened?” asked the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped himself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and table cloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!" "Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex was not good?" "No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. - But I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton's again!"
 
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HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda and John wane Kerry

WEAPONS OF ASS REDUCION
by Richard Simmons and Saddam Hussein

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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

ALL THE MEN I HAVE EVER LOVED
by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

And the World's Number One Thinnest Book:
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Do you know of others? How about sharing?

World's Thinnest Books
 
Brighten Up Your Day

http://www.jacksonhouse.net/positive.html





There are a lot of folks who can't
understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in America.
Well, there's a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just
didn't know we were getting low. The
reason for that is purely geographical....
All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, Louisiana,
California, and Oklahoma.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
 
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