SEX_VAMPYRE
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Laughs For The Day
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SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
Women needed to test orgasm machine
Wed 26 November, 2003 19:07
LONDON (Reuters) - Wanted: women to test new orgasm machine.
No, really. An American surgeon who has patented a device that triggers an orgasm has begun a clinical trial approved by the Food and Drug Administration in the United States and is looking for female volunteers.
"I thought people would be beating my door down to become part of the trial," pain specialist Dr Stuart Meloy told New Scientist magazine on Wednesday.
But so far only one woman has completed the first stage of the trial, with apparently breathtaking results, and a second has agreed to take part.
Meloy, of Piedmont Anesthesia and Pain Consultants in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, is hoping to find eight more volunteers willing to have electrodes inserted in their spine and be connected to a pacemaker-size machine implanted under the skin to heighten their sexual pleasure.
The married woman who tested the machine, dubbed an orgasmatron, had not had an orgasm for four years. But during the nine days she used it, she had several.
"She even told me she had the first multiple orgasm of her life using the device," said Meloy.
He stumbled on the unexpected side-effect while using a spinal cord stimulator a few years ago to treat a patient suffering with severe back pain. The woman had already had back surgery for degenerative disk disease and fusion surgery.
When Meloy placed the electrodes into a specific spot on her spine to find nerve bundles carrying pain signals to the brain, she moaned with delight.
"You're going to have to teach my husband how to do that," he quoted her as saying.
The tiny impulses of electricity applied to the electrodes seemed to have turned on the patient's orgasm button.
Although the device has been compared to the orgasmatron featured in the 1973 Woody Allen film "Sleeper", Meloy envisions patients using it temporarily to retrain their sexual response.
The women in the trial described it as "really excellent foreplay."
Although some medical experts are sceptical about the procedure and say a vibrator can produce the same results, Meloy believes it could help to improve sexual response in women who cannot have orgasms and might even help men as well.
A full implant of the device would cost about 13,000 pounds.
"I don't see it any differently from procedures such as breast implants," Meloy told the magazine.
http://www.reuters.co.uk/newsArticle.jhtml?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyID=3897344§ion=news
Wed 26 November, 2003 19:07
LONDON (Reuters) - Wanted: women to test new orgasm machine.
No, really. An American surgeon who has patented a device that triggers an orgasm has begun a clinical trial approved by the Food and Drug Administration in the United States and is looking for female volunteers.
"I thought people would be beating my door down to become part of the trial," pain specialist Dr Stuart Meloy told New Scientist magazine on Wednesday.
But so far only one woman has completed the first stage of the trial, with apparently breathtaking results, and a second has agreed to take part.
Meloy, of Piedmont Anesthesia and Pain Consultants in Winston-Salem, North Carolina, is hoping to find eight more volunteers willing to have electrodes inserted in their spine and be connected to a pacemaker-size machine implanted under the skin to heighten their sexual pleasure.
The married woman who tested the machine, dubbed an orgasmatron, had not had an orgasm for four years. But during the nine days she used it, she had several.
"She even told me she had the first multiple orgasm of her life using the device," said Meloy.
He stumbled on the unexpected side-effect while using a spinal cord stimulator a few years ago to treat a patient suffering with severe back pain. The woman had already had back surgery for degenerative disk disease and fusion surgery.
When Meloy placed the electrodes into a specific spot on her spine to find nerve bundles carrying pain signals to the brain, she moaned with delight.
"You're going to have to teach my husband how to do that," he quoted her as saying.
The tiny impulses of electricity applied to the electrodes seemed to have turned on the patient's orgasm button.
Although the device has been compared to the orgasmatron featured in the 1973 Woody Allen film "Sleeper", Meloy envisions patients using it temporarily to retrain their sexual response.
The women in the trial described it as "really excellent foreplay."
Although some medical experts are sceptical about the procedure and say a vibrator can produce the same results, Meloy believes it could help to improve sexual response in women who cannot have orgasms and might even help men as well.
A full implant of the device would cost about 13,000 pounds.
"I don't see it any differently from procedures such as breast implants," Meloy told the magazine.
http://www.reuters.co.uk/newsArticle.jhtml?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyID=3897344§ion=news
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
On a Clear Day
Clear Day
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has
missed her period for two months. Very worried, the
mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was
the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an
hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a
mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably
dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and
enters the house. He sits in the living room with the
father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. However, I can't marry her because of my
personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories
and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory
and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest
I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You'll screw her again!"
Clear Day
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has
missed her period for two months. Very worried, the
mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was
the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an
hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a
mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably
dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and
enters the house. He sits in the living room with the
father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. However, I can't marry her because of my
personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories
and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory
and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest
I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"You'll screw her again!"
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
A Texas Chili Contest -
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Contest Over
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Contest Over
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
Joke of the day
Peggy Sue
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. ''Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?'' he says.
''That's cool.'' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, ''Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.''
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, ''Whaaaat?''
''Yeah,'' says Peggy Sue's father, ''Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!''
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, ''Have a good evening, kids!''
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: ''Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!''
Peggy Sue
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. ''Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?'' he says.
''That's cool.'' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, ''Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.''
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, ''Whaaaat?''
''Yeah,'' says Peggy Sue's father, ''Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!''
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, ''Have a good evening, kids!''
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: ''Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!''
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
I wanna be a Velvet Touch Kid
Sung to the "I wanna be a Toys R Us Kid" jingle.
I don't wanna grow up
I'm a Velvet Touch kid
They got a million toys at Velvet Touch
That I can play with
From whips to chains
To sexual games
It's the biggest sex store there is.... Gee Whiz
I don't wanna grow up
Cuz Baby, if I did
I couldn't be a
Velvet Touch kid!
More games, more toys
Oh Boy!
I wanna be a Velvet Touch kid!
Sung to the "I wanna be a Toys R Us Kid" jingle.
I don't wanna grow up
I'm a Velvet Touch kid
They got a million toys at Velvet Touch
That I can play with
From whips to chains
To sexual games
It's the biggest sex store there is.... Gee Whiz
I don't wanna grow up
Cuz Baby, if I did
I couldn't be a
Velvet Touch kid!
More games, more toys
Oh Boy!
I wanna be a Velvet Touch kid!
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
Indian writer wins 'bad sex' prize
LONDON, England --A turbo-charged account of a lover's romantic liaison involving engine oil, Bugattis and Volkswagens has driven an India writer to this year's Literary Review's "Bad Sex in Fiction" award.
Aniruddha Bahal's book, "Bunker 13" -- described as a combination of the styles of ex-SAS author Andy McNab and romance novelist Jilly Cooper -- was awarded the prize on Wednesday for the most inept description of sexual intercourse in a novel.
Bahal's winning passage described the book's hero as an "ancient Aryan warlord" when a woman dropped her trousers to expose a strategically placed swastika. Then as the temperature between the two rises, Bahal shifts into top gear:
"Your RPM is hitting a new high. To wait any longer would be to lose prime time...
"She picks up a Bugatti's momentum. You want her more at a Volkswagen's steady trot. Squeeze the maximum mileage out of your gallon of gas. But she's eating up the road with all cylinders blazing. You lift her out. You want to try different kinds of fusion."
The "Bad Sex" judge saluted the "exuberance and energy" of the writing, giving Bahal the 11th annual prize and knocking off rival nominees including John Updike, Paul Theroux and Paulo Coelho.
Bahal, an Indian investigative journalist who posed as an arms dealer to expose an Indian military bribery scandal in 2001, flew to London to accept the little-coveted award from singer Sting in front of an audience of 500 people in London.
http://edition.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/europe/12/03/bad.sex.award/index.html
LONDON, England --A turbo-charged account of a lover's romantic liaison involving engine oil, Bugattis and Volkswagens has driven an India writer to this year's Literary Review's "Bad Sex in Fiction" award.
Aniruddha Bahal's book, "Bunker 13" -- described as a combination of the styles of ex-SAS author Andy McNab and romance novelist Jilly Cooper -- was awarded the prize on Wednesday for the most inept description of sexual intercourse in a novel.
Bahal's winning passage described the book's hero as an "ancient Aryan warlord" when a woman dropped her trousers to expose a strategically placed swastika. Then as the temperature between the two rises, Bahal shifts into top gear:
"Your RPM is hitting a new high. To wait any longer would be to lose prime time...
"She picks up a Bugatti's momentum. You want her more at a Volkswagen's steady trot. Squeeze the maximum mileage out of your gallon of gas. But she's eating up the road with all cylinders blazing. You lift her out. You want to try different kinds of fusion."
The "Bad Sex" judge saluted the "exuberance and energy" of the writing, giving Bahal the 11th annual prize and knocking off rival nominees including John Updike, Paul Theroux and Paulo Coelho.
Bahal, an Indian investigative journalist who posed as an arms dealer to expose an Indian military bribery scandal in 2001, flew to London to accept the little-coveted award from singer Sting in front of an audience of 500 people in London.
http://edition.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/europe/12/03/bad.sex.award/index.html
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
Sting to present UK Bad Sex award
LONDON, England (Reuters) --No embarrassment will be spared on Wednesday when rock star Sting presents one of Britain's least-desired literary awards -- the Bad Sex in Fiction Award.
Now in its 11th year, the dubious honor is awarded by the Literary Review magazine for the most inept description of sexual intercourse in a novel.
Nominated authors for this year's prize include John Updike, Paul Theroux, Paulo Coelho and Alan Parker.
Among the climactic passages in the contest is one from former BBC radio executive Rod Liddle's "Too Beautiful for You."
"She came with the exhilarating whoops and pant-hoots of a troop of Rhesus monkeys, which was flattering, if alarming."
Motoring themes are to the fore. In Tama Janowitz's "Peyton Amberg" a lover's intimate probing of the heroine is "as if he was searching for lost car keys," while in Aniruddha Bahal's "Bunker 13" a female partner "picks up a Bugatti's momentum."
Musical metaphors are also well represented.
The multi-orgasmic female narrator of Paolo Coelho's "Eleven Minutes" reaches Heaven -- "I was the earth, the mountains, the tigers, the rivers that flowed into the lakes, the lake that became the sea."
Sting, who once boasted that yoga had improved his sexual endurance, will present the prize Wednesday evening after each of the competing passages have been read to a 500-strong audience.
Previous winners include AA Gill, Sebastian Faulks and Melvyn Bragg.
http://edition.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/europe/12/02/uk.sting.sex.reut/index.html
LONDON, England (Reuters) --No embarrassment will be spared on Wednesday when rock star Sting presents one of Britain's least-desired literary awards -- the Bad Sex in Fiction Award.
Now in its 11th year, the dubious honor is awarded by the Literary Review magazine for the most inept description of sexual intercourse in a novel.
Nominated authors for this year's prize include John Updike, Paul Theroux, Paulo Coelho and Alan Parker.
Among the climactic passages in the contest is one from former BBC radio executive Rod Liddle's "Too Beautiful for You."
"She came with the exhilarating whoops and pant-hoots of a troop of Rhesus monkeys, which was flattering, if alarming."
Motoring themes are to the fore. In Tama Janowitz's "Peyton Amberg" a lover's intimate probing of the heroine is "as if he was searching for lost car keys," while in Aniruddha Bahal's "Bunker 13" a female partner "picks up a Bugatti's momentum."
Musical metaphors are also well represented.
The multi-orgasmic female narrator of Paolo Coelho's "Eleven Minutes" reaches Heaven -- "I was the earth, the mountains, the tigers, the rivers that flowed into the lakes, the lake that became the sea."
Sting, who once boasted that yoga had improved his sexual endurance, will present the prize Wednesday evening after each of the competing passages have been read to a 500-strong audience.
Previous winners include AA Gill, Sebastian Faulks and Melvyn Bragg.
http://edition.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/europe/12/02/uk.sting.sex.reut/index.html
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
Man who swiped donation pot is hit by car
Associated Press
Dec. 4, 2003 07:05 AM
TUCSON- Call it a case of bad karma. A man who stole a Salvation Army donation pot outside a drug store was hit by a car as he tried to run away, police said.
Edward Sanders, 40, grabbed the pot Tuesday and pulled it away after a short struggle with volunteer Patricia Parra, a 60-year-old woman who suffers from cerebral palsy, said South Tucson police Sgt. Dan Snyder.
As Sanders started to run away, he was struck by a Honda sedan and police captured him.
The red pot and the $53.97 inside were returned to the Salvation Army, Snyder said.
"I think God has a poetic sense of justice," he said.
Sanders, treated at University Medical Center, was arrested on suspicion of robbery and criminal damage.
http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/1204RunAndHit04-ON.html
Associated Press
Dec. 4, 2003 07:05 AM
TUCSON- Call it a case of bad karma. A man who stole a Salvation Army donation pot outside a drug store was hit by a car as he tried to run away, police said.
Edward Sanders, 40, grabbed the pot Tuesday and pulled it away after a short struggle with volunteer Patricia Parra, a 60-year-old woman who suffers from cerebral palsy, said South Tucson police Sgt. Dan Snyder.
As Sanders started to run away, he was struck by a Honda sedan and police captured him.
The red pot and the $53.97 inside were returned to the Salvation Army, Snyder said.
"I think God has a poetic sense of justice," he said.
Sanders, treated at University Medical Center, was arrested on suspicion of robbery and criminal damage.
http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/1204RunAndHit04-ON.html
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
Girl really was run over by a reindeer
By Mason Adams
mason.adams@roanoke.com
(540) 981-3342
Emily Shelton, 9 years old, is already laughing about her run-in with the spooked animal.
SALEM - To most people, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" is an annoying Christmas novelty song.
To Emily Shelton, 9, and Abby Migliarese, 10, however, it's an inside joke that will remind them of Saturday for the rest of their lives.
The two girls were playing in Abby's back yard in Salem when a deer came running over a hill and, spooked by the sight of Abby, took a left turn - directly into Emily.
Emily suffered a fat lip and a broken arm. She was taken to Carilion Roanoke Community Hospital, where she got a cast for her arm, before returning home later Saturday night.
By Sunday, though, the girls were laughing about it, having refashioned the "Grandma" lyrics to their experience:
"Emily got run over by a reindeer/walking through the woods one Saturday./You may say there's no such thing as mean deer/but as for me and Abby, we believe."
The girls said they were playing with Abby's sister Kim, 8, and cousin Melissa, 12, near a strip of pine trees on Forest Drive. Emily was building steps to a fort when Abby saw the deer run out from behind a nearby shed.
Seeing Abby, the deer took an abrupt left into Emily, who had her back turned. Emily landed on her wrist before tumbling down the hill.
Abby sent her sister and cousin for help before running over to check on Emily.
Abby's mother, Kristine Migliarese, heard shouting from inside the house.
"When I heard them screaming, I thought, 'Someone fell down,'" Migliarese said.
She found Abby kneeling by Emily, who was covered with dirt and with leaves in her hair. She called 911 and Emily's father. An ambulance, fire truck and Jeff Shelton arrived within minutes.
On the ride to the hospital, Jeff Shelton kept Emily laughing, telling her he was going to take her on hunting trips and use her as deer bait.
The paramedics, firefighters and emergency room staff were surprised at how the injury had occurred, Emily said.
"The doctors there were like, 'I never heard that one before,'" Emily said.
This sort of case is rare, but not unheard of, said David Steffen, the forest wildlife manager for the Virginia Department of Game and Inland Fisheries.
"This time of year it would be unusual, but not unheard of for bucks to be aggressive," Steffen said. "This doesn't sound like that was the case. It sounds like just a fluke accident."
Emily is upbeat and obviously enjoying the attention from her brush with the wild side. She does think, though, that television networks are conspiring against her.
"On one show there was an evil reindeer, and a Nickelodeon show had a warning about 'Heads Up for Reindeer,'" Emily said with a grin. "It's like they know what happened."
http://www.roanoke.com/roatimes/news/story15***5.html
By Mason Adams
mason.adams@roanoke.com
(540) 981-3342
Emily Shelton, 9 years old, is already laughing about her run-in with the spooked animal.
SALEM - To most people, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" is an annoying Christmas novelty song.
To Emily Shelton, 9, and Abby Migliarese, 10, however, it's an inside joke that will remind them of Saturday for the rest of their lives.
The two girls were playing in Abby's back yard in Salem when a deer came running over a hill and, spooked by the sight of Abby, took a left turn - directly into Emily.
Emily suffered a fat lip and a broken arm. She was taken to Carilion Roanoke Community Hospital, where she got a cast for her arm, before returning home later Saturday night.
By Sunday, though, the girls were laughing about it, having refashioned the "Grandma" lyrics to their experience:
"Emily got run over by a reindeer/walking through the woods one Saturday./You may say there's no such thing as mean deer/but as for me and Abby, we believe."
The girls said they were playing with Abby's sister Kim, 8, and cousin Melissa, 12, near a strip of pine trees on Forest Drive. Emily was building steps to a fort when Abby saw the deer run out from behind a nearby shed.
Seeing Abby, the deer took an abrupt left into Emily, who had her back turned. Emily landed on her wrist before tumbling down the hill.
Abby sent her sister and cousin for help before running over to check on Emily.
Abby's mother, Kristine Migliarese, heard shouting from inside the house.
"When I heard them screaming, I thought, 'Someone fell down,'" Migliarese said.
She found Abby kneeling by Emily, who was covered with dirt and with leaves in her hair. She called 911 and Emily's father. An ambulance, fire truck and Jeff Shelton arrived within minutes.
On the ride to the hospital, Jeff Shelton kept Emily laughing, telling her he was going to take her on hunting trips and use her as deer bait.
The paramedics, firefighters and emergency room staff were surprised at how the injury had occurred, Emily said.
"The doctors there were like, 'I never heard that one before,'" Emily said.
This sort of case is rare, but not unheard of, said David Steffen, the forest wildlife manager for the Virginia Department of Game and Inland Fisheries.
"This time of year it would be unusual, but not unheard of for bucks to be aggressive," Steffen said. "This doesn't sound like that was the case. It sounds like just a fluke accident."
Emily is upbeat and obviously enjoying the attention from her brush with the wild side. She does think, though, that television networks are conspiring against her.
"On one show there was an evil reindeer, and a Nickelodeon show had a warning about 'Heads Up for Reindeer,'" Emily said with a grin. "It's like they know what happened."
http://www.roanoke.com/roatimes/news/story15***5.html
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
Friends
FRIENDS
You and I are Friends.......
You Fight, I Fight........
You Hurt, I Hurt........
You Cry, I Cry.........
You Jump Off a Bridge....
I'm Gonna Miss Your Dumb ass!!!!
FRIENDS
You and I are Friends.......
You Fight, I Fight........
You Hurt, I Hurt........
You Cry, I Cry.........
You Jump Off a Bridge....
I'm Gonna Miss Your Dumb ass!!!!
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
Are You Chinese?
A way to know if you are a PURE CHINESE.......
29 ways to know you are Chinese
1.You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping(and especially those bows).
2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
4. You save grocery bags, tin foil and tin containers. You use the grocery bags to hold garbage.
5. You hate to waste food
a. Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. (Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa)
b. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
6. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed mar! garine tubs, take out containers and jam jars.
7. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in a small basin of hot water before you eat every time you go to a restaurant.
9. You own a rice cooker and slow cooker.
10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.
11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.
12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
13. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive Walkman, if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.
14. You're a wok user.
15. You only make long distance call after 7pm.
16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached - it means they're fresh.
17. You never call your parents just to say hi.
18. If you don't live at home, w! hen your parents call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they're heaty (yeet hay in Cantonese)
20. You email your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.
21. You always cook too much.
22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
23. You eat every grain of rice, because if you don't your spouses face will resemble the left over rice grains in the rice bowl.
23. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat buffet.
24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewellery or electronics or computers.
25. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
27. You ! know why this list consists of only "29" reasons.
28. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.
So, if you are a Chinese, keep it up guys!!!! coz not everybody can be Chinese
A way to know if you are a PURE CHINESE.......
29 ways to know you are Chinese
1.You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping(and especially those bows).
2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
4. You save grocery bags, tin foil and tin containers. You use the grocery bags to hold garbage.
5. You hate to waste food
a. Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. (Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa)
b. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
6. You don't own any real Tupperware-only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed mar! garine tubs, take out containers and jam jars.
7. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in a small basin of hot water before you eat every time you go to a restaurant.
9. You own a rice cooker and slow cooker.
10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.
11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.
12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
13. If you're under age 20, you own a really expensive Walkman, if you're over 20, you own a really expensive camera.
14. You're a wok user.
15. You only make long distance call after 7pm.
16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached - it means they're fresh.
17. You never call your parents just to say hi.
18. If you don't live at home, w! hen your parents call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they're heaty (yeet hay in Cantonese)
20. You email your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.
21. You always cook too much.
22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
23. You eat every grain of rice, because if you don't your spouses face will resemble the left over rice grains in the rice bowl.
23. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat buffet.
24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewellery or electronics or computers.
25. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
27. You ! know why this list consists of only "29" reasons.
28. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.
So, if you are a Chinese, keep it up guys!!!! coz not everybody can be Chinese
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
Now that I'M older
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:
I started out with nothing, & I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded..
All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat
- cause kids!
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. . .
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses...
they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something & then wonder what I'm here after
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:
I started out with nothing, & I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded..
All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat
- cause kids!
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. . .
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses...
they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something & then wonder what I'm here after
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
A HEAVENLY MIXUP
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel arrangements. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've arrived Date: 16 May 2002 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Love, Your Husband P.S. Sure is hot down here!
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel arrangements. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've arrived Date: 16 May 2002 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Love, Your Husband P.S. Sure is hot down here!
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
Never Say To A Cop
-----
This is cute! Watch what happens after you send it on!
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
*** Forward this to at least 5 people and see what comes on your screen,
you will laugh your head off!!!!!!!
This works. I don't know how...
-----
This is cute! Watch what happens after you send it on!
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
*** Forward this to at least 5 people and see what comes on your screen,
you will laugh your head off!!!!!!!
This works. I don't know how...
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
LETTER FROM A FARM KID NOW AT THE MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT IN SAN DIEGO
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps
beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before
maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to
stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine
some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire
to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's
warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.,
but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city
boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon
when you get
fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route
march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home Then the city guys get sore
feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the
school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother
you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the
Higgett boys at
home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got
in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the
same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs
near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps
beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before
maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to
stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine
some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire
to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's
warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.,
but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and
other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city
boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon
when you get
fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route
march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home Then the city guys get sore
feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the
school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother
you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a
chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the
Higgett boys at
home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't
even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got
in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the
same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs
near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
2003 Darwin Awards
As you probably already know, the Darwin awards are awarded annually for the most extreme act of (occasionally terminal) stupidity -- they are now in for 2003.The runner-ups:
RUNNER-UP The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to is insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
RUNNER-UP A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
RUNNER-UP After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
RUNNER-UP An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
RUNNER-UP A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which he clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
RUNNER-UP Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
RUNNER-UP As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
RUNNER-UP The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
RUNNER-UP Kentucky Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER. When his 38-caliber Revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
As you probably already know, the Darwin awards are awarded annually for the most extreme act of (occasionally terminal) stupidity -- they are now in for 2003.The runner-ups:
RUNNER-UP The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to is insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
RUNNER-UP A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
RUNNER-UP After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
RUNNER-UP An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
RUNNER-UP A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which he clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
RUNNER-UP Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
RUNNER-UP As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
RUNNER-UP The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
RUNNER-UP Kentucky Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER! When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER. When his 38-caliber Revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
Baggage screeners find gunpowder in bag, let man board flight
The Associated Press
Last Updated 6:11 p.m. PST Monday, December 15, 2003
EUREKA, Calif. (AP) - A man who told airport security that he packed the gunpowder and a fuse they found in his bags for a harmless hobby of shooting golf balls out of cannons was allowed to board his flight, though the explosives were confiscated.
Federal air transportation officials said Monday they were reviewing the incident at Arcata-Eureka Airport, but have concluded the man had no ill intent - just bad packing judgment.
The man, whose identity was not released because he has not been charged with a crime, was "someone who just really did not think what he was bringing to the airport," said Transportation Security Administration spokesman Mike Fierberg.
The incident began around 9 a.m. Saturday, before the man flew to San Francisco with his wife and infant son from the small airport serving this coastal city about 250 miles north of San Francisco. Baggage screeners pulled him aside when they found the material in his checked luggage.
"He said that it was something used in his hobby ... involving cannons and shooting golf balls out of them," Humboldt County Sheriff's spokeswoman Brenda Gainey said.
Sheriff's deputies who responded were left scratching their heads - the man was in San Francisco by the time they arrived.
"It does qualify as an explosive device and it is in fact a felony to bring that into a public area," according to Gainey, who said her office had referred the case to county prosecutors.
Fierberg said the amount of gunpowder was small and the fuse would not have exploded unless lit. He also said the good news was that security screeners found the items in the first place.
He added, however, that the case was still under scrutiny.
"They are looking into whether there was a procedural issue in terms of letting the passenger get onto the plane at all," Fierberg said. He said that the facts "might lead me to infer that perhaps it was not satisfactorily done."
The family later flew from San Francisco to Miami, where officials again questioned the man and again released him after deciding his explanation was sufficient.
Fierberg stressed that travelers should not pack banned items.
"If people think a little more about the stuff they're trying to transport," he said, "there would be far fewer of these incidents."
---
http://www.sacbee.com/state_wire/story/7958750p-8895817c.html
The Associated Press
Last Updated 6:11 p.m. PST Monday, December 15, 2003
EUREKA, Calif. (AP) - A man who told airport security that he packed the gunpowder and a fuse they found in his bags for a harmless hobby of shooting golf balls out of cannons was allowed to board his flight, though the explosives were confiscated.
Federal air transportation officials said Monday they were reviewing the incident at Arcata-Eureka Airport, but have concluded the man had no ill intent - just bad packing judgment.
The man, whose identity was not released because he has not been charged with a crime, was "someone who just really did not think what he was bringing to the airport," said Transportation Security Administration spokesman Mike Fierberg.
The incident began around 9 a.m. Saturday, before the man flew to San Francisco with his wife and infant son from the small airport serving this coastal city about 250 miles north of San Francisco. Baggage screeners pulled him aside when they found the material in his checked luggage.
"He said that it was something used in his hobby ... involving cannons and shooting golf balls out of them," Humboldt County Sheriff's spokeswoman Brenda Gainey said.
Sheriff's deputies who responded were left scratching their heads - the man was in San Francisco by the time they arrived.
"It does qualify as an explosive device and it is in fact a felony to bring that into a public area," according to Gainey, who said her office had referred the case to county prosecutors.
Fierberg said the amount of gunpowder was small and the fuse would not have exploded unless lit. He also said the good news was that security screeners found the items in the first place.
He added, however, that the case was still under scrutiny.
"They are looking into whether there was a procedural issue in terms of letting the passenger get onto the plane at all," Fierberg said. He said that the facts "might lead me to infer that perhaps it was not satisfactorily done."
The family later flew from San Francisco to Miami, where officials again questioned the man and again released him after deciding his explanation was sufficient.
Fierberg stressed that travelers should not pack banned items.
"If people think a little more about the stuff they're trying to transport," he said, "there would be far fewer of these incidents."
---
http://www.sacbee.com/state_wire/story/7958750p-8895817c.html
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
Shopping lust
Shopping jolly ... Asda store in Grimsby
SHOPPERS at a supermarket were stunned when the sounds of BONKING came over the speaker system.
A woman groaned “Oh, Yes” — before yelling “Oh, God!” as the steamy moans interrupted the store’s in-house radio station.
Music cut the couple off for a couple of minutes, allowing startled shoppers to continue selecting their cucumbers and tomatoes.
But then the raunchy pair were back — and much LOUDER.
Delivery driver Neil Thompson, 26, said yesterday: “I only popped in for some Christmas shopping when these groaning sounds came over the speakers.
“I thought at first it was the start of an advert. But then I realised it was the moaning of a woman having sex.
“People stopped shopping and everyone was looking up, laughing.
“The staff stopped as well and they couldn’t cover up the sound.
“It ended briefly and some music came back on. But a couple of minutes later it started all over again.”
Bosses at the Asda store in Grimsby, Lincs, were baffled last night.
They were investigating whether there was outside interference on their Asda FM station, which is beamed to each shop by satellite.
Experts have pointed to a nearby BT mast — but also say someone could have hacked into the radio station.
But one shopper said he overheard a staff member saying a staff microphone had been found in a stationary cupboard.
Asda chiefs admitted: “There is definitely something odd going on at the Grimsby store.”
A company spokesman said they had checked the playlist of records — but found nothing unusually sexy.
He said: “We’ve had problems with interference from outside the store before.
“Asda FM is broadcast by satellite and maybe someone had managed to tap into it.
“The store manager heard the sounds and ran round trying to find the source before they suddenly ended.
“No mikes were found in any cupboards and we don’t think the cheeky broadcast came from inside the store.
“It’s a bit of a mystery, but we’re determined to get to the bottom of it.
“But at least it put a smile on the faces of our shoppers.”
http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2003572968,00.html
Shopping jolly ... Asda store in Grimsby
SHOPPERS at a supermarket were stunned when the sounds of BONKING came over the speaker system.
A woman groaned “Oh, Yes” — before yelling “Oh, God!” as the steamy moans interrupted the store’s in-house radio station.
Music cut the couple off for a couple of minutes, allowing startled shoppers to continue selecting their cucumbers and tomatoes.
But then the raunchy pair were back — and much LOUDER.
Delivery driver Neil Thompson, 26, said yesterday: “I only popped in for some Christmas shopping when these groaning sounds came over the speakers.
“I thought at first it was the start of an advert. But then I realised it was the moaning of a woman having sex.
“People stopped shopping and everyone was looking up, laughing.
“The staff stopped as well and they couldn’t cover up the sound.
“It ended briefly and some music came back on. But a couple of minutes later it started all over again.”
Bosses at the Asda store in Grimsby, Lincs, were baffled last night.
They were investigating whether there was outside interference on their Asda FM station, which is beamed to each shop by satellite.
Experts have pointed to a nearby BT mast — but also say someone could have hacked into the radio station.
But one shopper said he overheard a staff member saying a staff microphone had been found in a stationary cupboard.
Asda chiefs admitted: “There is definitely something odd going on at the Grimsby store.”
A company spokesman said they had checked the playlist of records — but found nothing unusually sexy.
He said: “We’ve had problems with interference from outside the store before.
“Asda FM is broadcast by satellite and maybe someone had managed to tap into it.
“The store manager heard the sounds and ran round trying to find the source before they suddenly ended.
“No mikes were found in any cupboards and we don’t think the cheeky broadcast came from inside the store.
“It’s a bit of a mystery, but we’re determined to get to the bottom of it.
“But at least it put a smile on the faces of our shoppers.”
http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2003572968,00.html
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
A WOMAN'S PRAYER
A WOMAN'S (REAL) PRAYER:
Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some
support soon, people will think we're nuts."
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day.
A WOMAN'S (REAL) PRAYER:
Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some
support soon, people will think we're nuts."
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day.
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
MEN JOKES INSTEAD OF BLOND JOKES
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
( because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know...... it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
( because their balls fall over their butts and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know...... it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
The Life Cycle
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. Parents always catch; the second person
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while your are down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a chair that you once got from a rollercoaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1)
You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus
SUCCESS At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . .. having a driver’s license.
At age 20success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . .having money.
At age 50success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . .. having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .not peeing in your pants.
Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way BUT never forget to remember the blessings that come each day.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. Parents always catch; the second person
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while your are down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a chair that you once got from a rollercoaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE: 1)
You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus
SUCCESS At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . .. having a driver’s license.
At age 20success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . .having money.
At age 50success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . .. having a driver’s license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .not peeing in your pants.
Pass this on to someone who could use a laugh.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way BUT never forget to remember the blessings that come each day.
Last edited:
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
A Bad Parrott
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, ... "May I ask what the turkey did?"
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, ... "May I ask what the turkey did?"
yourdestonie
Countess Pervetta
- Joined
- Oct 14, 2002
- Posts
- 52,549
an Invite for all of you.
We're planning another Litogether in NC. this time it will be held in Charlotte. Your all invited to join the fun no matter where your from. Here's a link to the thread we hope you all decide to come. We had such a great time in Sept that we decided to hole another one and we didn't want to wait a whole year to do it.
This one looks like it will be even more fun than the last so don't miss out. All the major info is in the first post. The final destination info will be on a need to know basis.
Spring Charlotte Litogether
We're planning another Litogether in NC. this time it will be held in Charlotte. Your all invited to join the fun no matter where your from. Here's a link to the thread we hope you all decide to come. We had such a great time in Sept that we decided to hole another one and we didn't want to wait a whole year to do it.
This one looks like it will be even more fun than the last so don't miss out. All the major info is in the first post. The final destination info will be on a need to know basis.
Spring Charlotte Litogether
SEX_VAMPYRE
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2001
- Posts
- 1,273
It's Time
Samuel Thompson wrote
I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December.
I don't agree with Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution.
Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game. So what's the big deal? It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game. "But it's a Christian prayer," some will argue. Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country founded on Christian principles. And we are in the Bible Belt. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect-somebody chanting Hare Krishna?
If I went to a football game in Jerusalem, I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.
If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.
If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.
And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit. When in Rome...
"But what about the atheists?" is another argument. What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer. Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations.
Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating, to pray before we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us just to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying. God, help us.
And if that last sentence offends you, well..........just sue me..
The silent majority has been silent too long.. it's time we let that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard, that the vast majority don't care what they want.. it is time the majority rules!
It's time we tell them, you don't have to pray.. you don't have to say the pledge of allegiance, you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right.. but by golly you are no longer going to take our rights away .. we are fighting back.. and we WILL WIN! After all the God you have the right to denounce is on our side!
God bless us one and all, especially those who denounce Him...
God bless America, despite all her faults.. still the greatest nation of all.....
God bless our service men who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God...
May 2003 and 2004 be the years the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions.
Keep looking up...... In God WE Trust
If you agree with this, please pass it on. If not, delete it!!
Samuel Thompson wrote
I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December.
I don't agree with Darwin, but I didn't go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution.
Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game. So what's the big deal? It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game. "But it's a Christian prayer," some will argue. Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country founded on Christian principles. And we are in the Bible Belt. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect-somebody chanting Hare Krishna?
If I went to a football game in Jerusalem, I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.
If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.
If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.
And I wouldn't be offended. It wouldn't bother me one bit. When in Rome...
"But what about the atheists?" is another argument. What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer. Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations.
Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating, to pray before we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us just to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying. God, help us.
And if that last sentence offends you, well..........just sue me..
The silent majority has been silent too long.. it's time we let that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard, that the vast majority don't care what they want.. it is time the majority rules!
It's time we tell them, you don't have to pray.. you don't have to say the pledge of allegiance, you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right.. but by golly you are no longer going to take our rights away .. we are fighting back.. and we WILL WIN! After all the God you have the right to denounce is on our side!
God bless us one and all, especially those who denounce Him...
God bless America, despite all her faults.. still the greatest nation of all.....
God bless our service men who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God...
May 2003 and 2004 be the years the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions.
Keep looking up...... In God WE Trust
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