Kinks We Don't Understand: DD/lg (First in a series)

[AlwaysFara]

Oh well fuck it. We have a briefly resurrected zombie horse.

I think there is two things that most people are leaving out of the conversation.

Transgression. This is the big umbrella that all kinks fall under. That we are turned on by something that is "bad" or "socially unacceptable" is the actual kink.

Pedophilia is an attraction to actual children.

Now, there is a world of difference between a 35 year old woman in a school girl outfit and an actual child. The turn on is the transgression, not the "age".

This applies to a lot of kinks mentioned here - from pain play to incest. I might let let you spank my ass black and blue but that is different than the reaction I would have to you raising your hand to me in an argument. I might like authority play but I don't want to actually fuck my boss, my dad, my priest. I might like to girls to play innocent virgins but I'm not going to sit outside of playgrounds.

While I totally and completely understand people getting squicked out about things they personally don't like or aren't turned on by (feet totally yuck me out but there are tons of threads about feet, shoes, stockings, etc), that doesn't mean we aren't all under the same transgression umbrella.

I know I'm repeating things other people have said better. Mainly, don't yuck someone else's yum.

<smacks horse with shovel> and I'm back out...

Now I want to fuck more than just your cat...

 

[LinusRules]

Oh well fuck it. We have a briefly resurrected zombie horse.

I think there is two things that most people are leaving out of the conversation.

Transgression. This is the big umbrella that all kinks fall under. That we are turned on by something that is "bad" or "socially unacceptable" is the actual kink.

Pedophilia is an attraction to actual children.

Now, there is a world of difference between a 35 year old woman in a school girl outfit and an actual child. The turn on is the transgression, not the "age".

This applies to a lot of kinks mentioned here - from pain play to incest. I might let let you spank my ass black and blue but that is different than the reaction I would have to you raising your hand to me in an argument. I might like authority play but I don't want to actually fuck my boss, my dad, my priest. I might like to girls to play innocent virgins but I'm not going to sit outside of playgrounds.

While I totally and completely understand people getting squicked out about things they personally don't like or aren't turned on by (feet totally yuck me out but there are tons of threads about feet, shoes, stockings, etc), that doesn't mean we aren't all under the same transgression umbrella.

I know I'm repeating things other people have said better. Mainly, don't yuck someone else's yum.

<smacks horse with shovel> and I'm back out...

That seemed like a lot of words to say that you'd let me spank your ass black and blue, but ok. Does the line form here?

 

[Moochienanu]

Great points, babe. I agree! With the names CNC and pet play, you know what you're getting. With age play, it seems so varied from completely innocent coloring to underage role-playing. I definitely think it would help the community to differentiate those. Thanks for your thoughtful posts!

*pokes horse*

I find, the easiest way to tell incest play from DD/lg is the use of the family words. It would squig me out so bad if Daddy called me “daughter.”

I’m going to limit my involvement here because, although I believe in helping others understand a concept foreign to them, I don’t think that my input is actually helping all that much. As even Pmann has said, I have very little chance of actually helping change opinions in people who are stuck in their ways and can’t shake a preconceived bias about the labels I and my partner choose to use for ourselves.

*finds horse with rigor setting in and runs away screaming “ewwww!”

 

[Lord Pmann]

A Litster PMed me wanting to answer these questions, but remain anonymous:

How long have you been a DD?
I was in a DDLG relationship for about 1 year.

What do you believe differentiates a DD from a Dom?
A dom is given power by the submissive to do what it takes to help the submissive. A DD is kind of the same thing, but there's more of a softness to it. It's not the 'do this or else' sort of thing. There is discipline involved, there is punishments involved. But more or less, in my opinion, it's more of being there for that person - kind of like a dad.

What do you believe differentiates a LG from a Sub?
This person didn't act like she was 12 or 5, or anything. She basically was, for lack of a better term, my surrogate daughter. But not in the sense that we were related. It wasn't incestual. During certain times she did what I asked, other times she was a brat or demanded to be punished. That's the main difference between LG and a sub. With a sub it needs to be a certain way or else. There's more push, IMO, for the LG.

Have you ever had multiple LGs at the same time?
I never had multiples.

What do you need from a LG?
Time with her, affection, and allowing me to be part of her life.

What can you offer a LG?
I offered the same thing. Time with her, making her feel special, and being there for her.

A lot of people don't understand the dynamic and there are a lot of people who judge it. In my situation, she didn't act like a younger girl. It was simply - I was there for her and there was a lot of role play involved. This is something I did in the past and is not something I seek to do anymore.

It saddens me that this is being so misconstrued. It's not pedophilia. It's a dynamic where there's more love and affection than a typical d/s thing.

Thanks for your reply. I appreciate one real Daddy coming in and giving some insight. I have a question or two and a couple comments. I’m sure you’d rather send your answers (if you’re so inclined) to Indie. I don’t expect you to want to send them to me.

Questions:

Do you seek out these relationships or do they develop naturally?

How many of these relationships have you had?

Comments:

I actually understand your last sentence and what you mean. I think it ruffled some feathers, but your point is noted. The dynamic is centered more around love and care, not power and domination, as in D/s relationship. I am not saying the people within that relationship love one another more or less. But the “play” within that relationship is. I’m sure the Doms will come out with their canes and pop my arse with them for that. But they seem to have thicker skin. Probably from all the ass beatings.

I do, however, think that there is a misconception that gets brought up often in this thread. You mentioned it, politely. But you aren’t the first to mention it. But so many people seem to think that people are icked out by things because they don’t understand something. That’s not the case for many of us. Lots of us understand things and just disagree with or dislike it. I’ve learned a lot from this thread. However, the more I’ve learned, the weirder it is to me. I used to think you just liked to revert back to being ____teen year olds (self editing) and get fucked. I thought it was weird then. Now that I’ve had it explained to me in terms of headspace and this and that, it’s WAY weirder. That’s okay. You can do weird stuff. It’s cool.

This is just such a common fallacy- someone doesn’t accept or like my lifestyle, therefore you must not understand it. Education and understanding does not lead to acceptance. I feel like the littles are a sensitive bunch, as a group. They feel particularly singled out and they have a hard time explaining themselves without getting pissy or hurt. I don’t really see that in other groups. It makes sense that this would be a more sensitive group, given the dynamic of what they enjoy- tenderness and caring and all that stuff they like. If they’re in a headspace (I hate that word) that is more childlike or carefree, of course they may lean on the more sensitive side of things. Even their defender DS has a very soft set of feelings and is sensitive to the littles with whom he’s friends.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

"Headspaces" are not just a little thing. It's a well documented sub thing.

 

[Lord Pmann]

*pokes horse*

I find, the easiest way to tell incest play from DD/lg is the use of the family words. It would squig me out so bad if Daddy called me “daughter.”

I’m going to limit my involvement here because, although I believe in helping others understand a concept foreign to them, I don’t think that my input is actually helping all that much. As even Pmann has said, I have very little chance of actually helping change opinions in people who are stuck in their ways and can’t shake a preconceived bias about the labels I and my partner choose to use for ourselves.

*finds horse with rigor setting in and runs away screaming “ewwww!”

Your input was hugely appreciated. And informative.

I do wish to offer clarity to my comment about changing opinions... you have changed a lot of my opinions with your posts. As I said above, some of it seems weirder. But I think my opinions that DID change would be considered a win for the little community. And I do realize that your posts were about YOUR experiences. You don’t speak for everyone and all that. But you were s good representative for the group.

 

[Justadesperatewifeandmom]

This thread has been a very interesting read. I have never really looked close, and didn't have much in the way of preconceived notions, but for the most part, there was nothing overly unexpected to me, besides different classifications of LG. I did find myself curious about something though. All of the LGs seem to say they naturally align to a more submissive personality type, even when living lives or having careers that don't fit that stereotype. I assume for the daddies a dominant as well. What is your immediate reaction on reversing of the gender/caregiver/little roles? Given your immersion with the lifestyle as a whole, would you find it easier to play the other role, or would it be as foreign as it is to those on outside? Have you ever played the role of the other party? Like, I guess, LGs, are you ever MDs? Have you ever considered it? Could you? Would your partner be willing? Does the immersion in the kink make you more open to the other side or more set in your side?

I guess, for some reason, from the outside looking in, it seems like it would be harder to reverse the roles, to me, on this kink than say a typical bdsm switch, and I am curious if those inside think that too. Obviously, I would expect a variance among couples, but so far everyone who answered questions all seem to fall completely on one side.

 

[cascadiabound]

I just discovered this thread last night otherwise I would have weighed in much sooner. I have quite a lot to say going back to the beginning of the thread, but

1) I am likely to repeat or reframe but slightly, many things said by others

2) within hours I am gonna be offline (into the wild kinda off line) for a couple weeks and I don't really want to pick up sticks here and then drop them immediately.

3) much of what I have to say on this topic can be found in other threads on Lit.

If there is anything left of this discussion when I log back on, I will pick up a few threads.

While *some* littles may be uber tender, it would be wrong to suggest all littles are. Many of the littles I have encountered here are as bad ass as they come and I count myself in that number.

I think some of Jenny's recent differentiations have been most useful and I cannot express how proud I am of Moochi in her many attempts to honestly and vulnerably respond to questions. In fact, I would contend that the high regard for emotional vulnerability is a hallmark of the DD/lg dynamic. i would also remind folks of two things that have also been said here in one way or another.

1) DD/lg is a subset or splinter of BDSM. As such the actual dynamics and relationship particulars are dependent on the dyad and what they want and need from their partner, negotiated on a consent basis.

2) because DD/lg is a BDSM relationship there is a foundation of the lg willingly submitting to the control of the DD. Exactly what parts of one's life that control extends to is on a continuum and negotiated by the individuals.


P.S. I sm not inclined to believe that people who identify as DD/lg are any more likely or unlikely to have multiple partners on either side of the slash.

Also...Pmann, I know you beieve your tone has been even and simply inquisitive, but your interjections about diapers and pacifiers etc are pretty damn off putting to women like me. Yes, yes I know that there are some people for whom infantilizing accoutrements are part of the dynamic, but I actually think that stuff is a separate kink from what I and most of the DD/lg folks I have encountered here on Lit are talking about. I also find that kink to be somewhere on my "ick" scale, but I am not gonna kink shame anyone who likes that any more than I would a dozen other "weird" kinks that are not my cuppa.
I am someone who thrives in a BDSM dynamic tinged with DD/lg elements (and a bunch of other elements too), but the stereotypical hallmarks (stuffies, disney movies, coloring books, extra frilly clothes do nothing for me <which makes me wonder sometimes how accurate that stereotype is btw>). I still want my sexual partner to call me his "good girl" as it makes me melt into a blush of happiness. It doesn't matter if that praise comes because I have kicked ass at my job, endured a 14 day wilderness epic in the face of gale force winds or because I have just given him the best BJ of his ever-loving life.

And here I went on far longer than I meant.

All the best to those with honestly inquiring minds. I have great deal of respect for dialogue that seeks to shed more light than shit.

cascadiabound

 

[AveryElle]

Funny, I love ‘good girl’ but I’d never say that to an actual little girl. I barely even say it to my dog. But DD/lg stuff is a huge ick factor for me.
So is it a real ‘little’ thing?
I never took it to be about ‘little’ care or about being in that ‘headspace’ (I don’t experience that. I clearly am an oddball here with that)

 

[cascadiabound]

Funny, I love ‘good girl’ but I’d never say that to an actual little girl. I barely even say it to my dog. But DD/lg stuff is a huge ick factor for me.
So is it a real ‘little’ thing?
I never took it to be about ‘little’ care or about being in that ‘headspace’ (I don’t experience that. I clearly am an oddball here with that)
*

what do you mean a "real 'little' thing"?
anything someone who identifies as a little or a middle or a whatever IS a real thing for *them*

I know exactly what people mean about "headspace" but I would say for me it is more about my submissiveness in general than about DD/lg stuff in particular.
I am told that my voice gets softer and maybe, yes, younger, when I am in that "headspace" - it is not something I am at all conscious of or do with amy intentionality.

I also think that for most, if not all of these various kink "feels" - you either gravitate to it or not, understand it intuitively or not. That does not mean that an effort to understand it intellectually is not valuable - esp. if you care about the person you are talking to and want to understand them better.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Funny, I love ‘good girl’ but I’d never say that to an actual little girl. I barely even say it to my dog. But DD/lg stuff is a huge ick factor for me.
So is it a real ‘little’ thing?
I never took it to be about ‘little’ care or about being in that ‘headspace’ (I don’t experience that. I clearly am an oddball here with that)
*

I don’t get headspace either. I don’t really know what that means.

 

[Lord Pmann]

I also think that for most, if not all of these various kink "feels" - you either gravitate to it or not, understand it intuitively or not. That does not mean that an effort to understand it intellectually is not valuable - esp. if you care about the person you are talking to and want to understand them better.

I’ve quite enjoyed learning about this. I like knowledge and learning. So this has been informative.

 

[Kimikimidoll]

I don’t get headspace either. I don’t really know what that means.

Headspace to me is the imaginary world, where you forget about things like the work that’s piled up, the problems that need to be solved, and forget that your partner loses socks in the dryer and forgets keys which you then have to have to drive to his work in the middle of the night to provide otherwise he can’t reach his sandwich and oh god he’s not booked the flights yet what do you mean tickets will be cheaper 16hrs before the flight what, what?

Headspace is when I look into his eyes that look at me as though he wants to turn me inside out and lick me like a crisp packet, and I’m just a messy little liquid creature in the claws of this awe-worthy and wondrous man, and he can do to me what he likes, and I will enjoy it.

 

[Lord Pmann]

Headspace to me is the imaginary world, where you forget about things like the work that’s piled up, the problems that need to be solved, and forget that your partner loses socks in the dryer and forgets keys which you then have to have to drive to his work in the middle of the night to provide otherwise he can’t reach his sandwich and oh god he’s not booked the flights yet what do you mean tickets will be cheaper 16hrs before the flight what, what?

I feel like this is very specific.

Also, if he’s unable to reach his sandwich, don’t think about letting him book your flights. Your trip from NY to LA will have a layover in Latvia.

 

[Kimikimidoll]

I feel like this is very specific.

Also, if he’s unable to reach his sandwich, don’t think about letting him book your flights. Your trip from NY to LA will have a layover in Latvia.

Oh no, what makes you think that? :lol:

I won’t think, because it’s probably already happening. Worst comes to worst, he’ll just use that as an excuse to have another sight seeing tour. He likes weird Slavic places and I like basking in his joy.

 

[LostGirlTink]

I want to comment and post on this thread because this topic is kind of a big deal for me. It's part of what brought me to lit initially because when the idea of me possibly being a lg was brought up I was horrified. I needed to learn more. I needed to understand and I've learned so much about myself and yet I understand why people don't get any of it and why it's often confused with other things and over time I've realized why I didn't actually fit as an lg and just shared some traits. I normally try to read through a whole thread before I start my commenting but this has a bunch of pages and I'm reading from teh beginning and it'll get too complicated so I'm starting at the top and working my way through doing my multiquote thingey.

That's just old school 'gentlemenly' That's what guys used to do all the time.

To me, a key comment there is "i try to walk across a dirt parking lot in heels." A child or adult playing a child would not wear heels too high to walk in. That's more upper teen behavior.

Spoken like a guy. LOL
I regularly wear very high heels. I'm short. I'm skilled at it, it's a lifeskill. BUT... you don't always know what kind of surface you are going to end up on. Trust me, anyone that has ever attended an outdoor wedding in a locale that might have had recent rain, or a parking lot that ended up not paved...
I don't know who you've been dating but when I dress up and want to look sexy, I wear heels. Not my fault the world sometimes has crappy sidewalks.

I think this is part of what is confusing for me. How is it DD/lg if little girl age play is not involved?

I know a lot of lg's who don't do age play.
I know that's confusing. I don't do age play.
Conversely I know a LOT of people that get into errant schoolgirl/naughty professor themes that are 100% NOT identifying as littles and that's certainly age play.

Littles who do age play come in different 'sizes' - littles, middles, and bigs (Somebody correct me if I'm wrong please). Upper teens are littles, too, because they're not adults. Some littles stick with one age, some have an age range. It varies according to the person.

Not everyone has an age. I never did. Do. whatever. To me... the little part of myself is the unfettered, unburdened side of my personality. It's lighter. It's willing to lay in the grass and look at clouds. It's also the part willing to let the person I trust be bossy and dominant with me, because it lets me get out of my own head.
It's incredibly freeing for somene who is always in charge of everything, always responsible, always in control to stop worrying and enjoy life. It's the less burdened part of me. That doesn't mean I'm mentally, emotionally or otherwise a child, a teen or even a young adult. It does mean I enjoy some of the comforts I did at those ages from time to time (who doesn't enjoy a cookie or a cozy blanket or hell, Disney flicks, coloring books hit an all time record trend recently) I'm a full grown woman with full grown desires, responsibilities and common sense. It's not a bad thing to sometimes embrace the wonder that I had in life before things all got so complicated.
I own a business, work a high stress job and take care of family with extensive medical needs.
You bet your ASS that sometimes it's NICE to cuddle up with someone and have them play with my hair or draw me a bath, or tuck me into bed. Bonus if they are climbing in with me.

This...this whole thread is why I keep coming back to Lit.

Because when we talk about things...really talk...there's a lot to learn. Tons, really.

Carry on, he says from the peanut gallery...

Agreed. I have learned so much around the snark. I love when we talk about things

Great link, thank you, and you’re gorgeous.

I tick a few of those boxes, myself.

My friends who are little know I keep coming back to this. I’m very curious.

You do, and weve talked about this before I know. It's complicated and I thought I was definitely a little for a long time... even without the age play. I'm not always the most mature and I do have a goofy playful nature. It's just who I am. I naturally began to tie it to little because it seemed to fit but it wasn't an actual fit, and I always questioned some of it.

I have seen you comment before on BFG’s thread, and enjoy your input and genuine curiosity.

I would like to say once more, I am not an expert on this lifestyle even though I live it. I am constantly learning from Him and my peers.

I do want to state that I cannot (and will not) tolerate anyone saying they are alright with underage sex acts (or even acting them out). I think this often gets tied up in the DD/lg dynamic when it has NOTHING to do with it.

Repeating because this can't be said enough.

 

[LostGirlTink]

I think, at least for me, that this is very true. It's a power exchange of sorts, and a support mechanism. And there's semantics involved that I think are confusing the fuck out of everyone.

some d/s relationships involve the sub (as it was once described to me) emptying themselves...just becoming a husk, letting their dom control them, letting the pain or control or punishment when it comes to that empty them of all responsibility and thought...just being there with their partner, and not having to think of anything but them.

I think this is similar to the dd/lg dynamic. But instead of belts and restraints and paddles and clamps and all the fun toys that come along with it, it's cuddles and hugs and the knowledge that he's going to protect you and take care of you, and that you don't have to think or worry about anything.

I *think* that's the difference. It seems that way to me from all that I've read and the Littles I've befriended, even the ones I didn't know were Littles until way later.

If I'm off base, someone please say so???

This is very much on base in my opinion.

Haha. I was waiting for this answer. There are plenty of brats who act up to get a beating. Or whatever.

Anticipating Fara's response, there are good girls who like bruises, too (But she's not a little, just a good girl).

Hmmmmmmmmmm....
this all gave me pause, because this doesn't actually describe any brats I know.

I received a PM that helped clarify things for me a bit. It helped me understand that little is more of a personality trait. Like those that are seen as young at heart, I assume? I can relate to this because personally, I see myself as having a submissive personality that is not dependent on being in a submissive dynamic. I am who I am, 24/7. It's a part of me. So while some littles may age play occasionally so their behavior, looks, etc match their personality - not all do. But they are all young at heart. Am I getting this right?

I think so.

There's a lot of confusion on this topic and I want to read through al this thread but it's making me anxious.

 

[Shi_One81]

Never understood it and never will I just think the word itself is gross.

 

[cascadiabound]

Never understood it and never will I just think the word itself is gross.

You think the word "daddy" is gross? or the word "little girl" is gross?

And no doubt there is something you get off on that someone else is bound to find "gross"

Obviously there is a huge continuum of legal sexual behaviour. Take what you like, hopefully find a partner that likes the same stuff too, and please leave the judgey stuff (like the word "gross") to the side.

 

[Shi_One81]

You think the word "daddy" is gross? or the word "little girl" is gross?

And no doubt there is something you get off on that someone else is bound to find "gross"

Obviously there is a huge continuum of legal sexual behaviour. Take what you like, hopefully find a partner that likes the same stuff too, and please leave the judgey stuff (like the word "gross") to the side.

Yes, I think the word “daddy” is gross, just like I think the word moist is gross. Not once did I say the words “little girl.” If someone thinks something I like is gross, okay? So? If you reread my post, I didn’t even say the kink or an lg/daddy relationship... I said the word.
I said I didn’t understand the kink. I didn’t call the kink gross. I called the word gross.