Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

Well, things are going swimmingly with the guy I met on Tinder ... we haven't met in person yet, but the daily online banter is a lot of fun. The stupidity of life means that it'll probably be three weeks before we're actually co-located ... that should be enough time for me to lose 20kg.

But, in other news, I received possible the oddest proposition ever yesterday, whether I was interested in joining someone's "polyamorous male Dom female submissive couple [...] W/we seek a bi female to join O/our loving household someone who does not get jealous [...] Someone loving,kind,sexy and comfortable in who they are what they want [...] but is able to show affection to B/both of us in public if comfortable [...]"
They aren't on Lit, and I think I've edited the original message enough that it's just the gist of what they were saying.)
I pointed out that they were kind of looking for the unicorn - and a sub unicorn at that - but he didn't seem to get the reference. The thing that kind of really got me though, was the 'W/we' and 'U/us'. I know it's fairly common to capitalise the D side of the PYL/pyl equation (although it's not something I ever do, for reasons), but to THAT extent? Do people commonly do that?

 

[Dreamliner]

Seems to be they define themselves that way Kim. Outside the obvious that is how they present themselves, I assume they want people to know this is how they see themselves.

 

[KimGordon67]

Seems to be they define themselves that way Kim. Outside the obvious that is how they present themselves, I assume they want people to know this is how they see themselves.

I do get that, and I'm not judging it (although I would find the level of commitment implied a bit exhausting) - I've just never seen anyone capitalise everything in that way.

 

[Paul_Chance]

'Outside'. 'People.' Pfft. Who's dumbarse idea was that.

This is true regarding the poly thing ... it's so tricky to explain though, when someone says 'basically, you're saying that I'm not enough for you'. I never really know how to respond to that. Saying 'No one person would be' never really seems to quite cut it.

For what it's worth, here is my elevator pitch on polyamory.

"Love is an amazing thing when it happens between two people. Love isn't a coin that once you spend it, it's gone. It's a bottomless well - the more you draw out, the more remains. I'm allowed by our society to love many people. I love my friends - they love me - and we'd do anything for each other. Fight for each other in a thousand ways. Give each other the shirts off our back. Be there unhesitatingly to celebrate their triumphs and mourn their losses and everything in between. But...society says we can't "love them in a sexual way" - that we have to reserve for one person. Based on my 58 years of life experience, I personally call "bullshit" on that one. It's an antiquated cultural artifact ruthlessly enforced by a predominantly male patriarchy according to the religious strictures of the Judeo-Christian majority - and so strongly enforced and so deeply ingrained that even people who claim to reject the theology - still live by and enforce the tropes of it. Being poly-amorous doesn't mean I indiscriminately sleep around. It means that, as I develop friendships, if they develop into love, including sexual love, it's an avenue that remains open for the expression of that love. As for one person meeting all the needs of another person? Happiness and Love in life are not a trading game. They're a choice. Our greatest power as human beings is our agency, our ability to the do the things we choose to do because we choose to do them. For me, I decided some time ago I was simply going to love as many people as I can, and I am going to love them in every way I can, which includes the sexual expression of love."

Then I usually close with a quip - something like "Or, I could just be really over-sexed."

 

[KimGordon67]

For what it's worth, here is my elevator pitch on polyamory.

"Love is an amazing thing when it happens between two people. Love isn't a coin that once you spend it, it's gone. It's a bottomless well - the more you draw out, the more remains. I'm allowed by our society to love many people. I love my friends - they love me - and we'd do anything for each other. Fight for each other in a thousand ways. Give each other the shirts off our back. Be there unhesitatingly to celebrate their triumphs and mourn their losses and everything in between. But...society says we can't "love them in a sexual way" - that we have to reserve for one person. Based on my 58 years of life experience, I personally call "bullshit" on that one. It's an antiquated cultural artifact ruthlessly enforced by a predominantly male patriarchy according to the religious strictures of the Judeo-Christian majority - and so strongly enforced and so deeply ingrained that even people who claim to reject the theology - still live by and enforce the tropes of it. Being poly-amorous doesn't mean I indiscriminately sleep around. It means that, as I develop friendships, if they develop into love, including sexual love, it's an avenue that remains open for the expression of that love. As for one person meeting all the needs of another person? Happiness and Love in life are not a trading game. They're a choice. Our greatest power as human beings is our agency, our ability to the do the things we choose to do because we choose to do them. For me, I decided some time ago I was simply going to love as many people as I can, and I am going to love them in every way I can, which includes the sexual expression of love."

Then I usually close with a quip - something like "Or, I could just be really over-sexed."

You are really over-sexed.

 

[KimGordon67]

So the (ex)BF turned up Friday evening, completely out of the blue ... to cut a long story to a very short predictable story, we spent a freaking LOT of time over the weekend talking. And fucking. And eating and laughing and all the things we've always enjoyed doing together, and I think we're at a place we can move forward from. We made some boundaries and agreed of the levels of flexibility around them. We worked out some things that we still need to work out. I think one of the best things we got out of it was a recognition for both of us that we need to loved in different ways, and that we've actually known that for a long time, and that we are giving each things that are of value to us as love - I care for him and nurture him, and he makes sure I know that I'm wanted ... that's quite a tricky point to reach, and I don't think either of us want to give that up easily.
Also, the sex is incredibly good.
(I also think there's maybe some integral link between the two things ... I suspect that for some people who are sub - not all but some - it's about that being a way to feel really wanted. And for the person on the d side of the equation to feel ... I'm not sure, but something that involves a willingness on the part of someone you care for to give up something that's more than 'just' sex. Maybe. I don't know.)

So, we'll see what happens. I guess the risk is I might lose Tinder Guy, because starting something with someone who may or may not date other people is a somewhat different proposition from starting something with someone who has another full relationship. But oh well.

 

[Paul_Chance]

So the (ex)BF turned up Friday evening, completely out of the blue ... to cut a long story to a very short predictable story, we spent a freaking LOT of time over the weekend talking. And fucking. And eating and laughing and all the things we've always enjoyed doing together, and I think we're at a place we can move forward from. We made some boundaries and agreed of the levels of flexibility around them. We worked out some things that we still need to work out. I think one of the best things we got out of it was a recognition for both of us that we need to loved in different ways, and that we've actually known that for a long time, and that we are giving each things that are of value to us as love - I care for him and nurture him, and he makes sure I know that I'm wanted ... that's quite a tricky point to reach, and I don't think either of us want to give that up easily.
Also, the sex is incredibly good.
(I also think there's maybe some integral link between the two things ... I suspect that for some people who are sub - not all but some - it's about that being a way to feel really wanted. And for the person on the d side of the equation to feel ... I'm not sure, but something that involves a willingness on the part of someone you care for to give up something that's more than 'just' sex. Maybe. I don't know.)

So, we'll see what happens. I guess the risk is I might lose Tinder Guy, because starting something with someone who may or may not date other people is a somewhat different proposition from starting something with someone who has another full relationship. But oh well.

Glad you had great sex.

It is one of the challenges of living a poly lifestyle. You do meet people who would make great lovers and friends but - they simply not interested in the lifestyle, even though they may interested in you, its with the intention of changing you. That is why it is always best (in the long run, though not always the short run) to be open and honest about it. Get the question out there, let them make their decision. Usually I find one of three responses common - "No, get lost perv", "Yes" and the middle of "explain this to me more". Of course, you always want the enthusiastic yes, but the middle ground is far more common.

At that point, I usually explain they don't have to make any decisions until they decide to sleep with me, and we can focus on seeing if we actually get along and let friendship develop in a normal way.

 

[KimGordon67]

Glad you had great sex.

It is one of the challenges of living a poly lifestyle. You do meet people who would make great lovers and friends but - they simply not interested in the lifestyle, even though they may interested in you, its with the intention of changing you. That is why it is always best (in the long run, though not always the short run) to be open and honest about it. Get the question out there, let them make their decision. Usually I find one of three responses common - "No, get lost perv", "Yes" and the middle of "explain this to me more". Of course, you always want the enthusiastic yes, but the middle ground is far more common.

At that point, I usually explain they don't have to make any decisions until they decide to sleep with me, and we can focus on seeing if we actually get along and let friendship develop in a normal way.

I've been pretty up front with the guy from Tinder ... I can't see any point in any other approach, given that it's so likely to be a deal breaker for so many people.

With the BF, it's harder ... I don't think he's ever thought that he was going to 'change' me, but for a long time just assumed if he ignored it all, it would somehow never be an issue. That's pretty much his default means of dealing with anything he's not enthused about - obviously deeply flawed, but I understand why he's like that. Then he went into the next phase, which is be upset/sad/angry/whatever - that also did surprisingly little to actually address whatever the issues are, and was about where I decided I'd had enough. But I guess he worked through to 'OK, what's the best of way of actually making this work' stage ... once he gets there, he's actually really capable of talking things through, and we finally were both really listening to each other.

We did get to another interesting point in the conversation, where he looked at me and said 'Do you really know what you want?' And of course, I don't, not in the specifics ... the only thing I really know is that I want the freedom to be able to work it out, not hypothetically, but actually. So hopefully that's where we are.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I've been pretty up front with the guy from Tinder ... I can't see any point in any other approach, given that it's so likely to be a deal breaker for so many people.

With the BF, it's harder ... I don't think he's ever thought that he was going to 'change' me, but for a long time just assumed if he ignored it all, it would somehow never be an issue. That's pretty much his default means of dealing with anything he's not enthused about - obviously deeply flawed, but I understand why he's like that. Then he went into the next phase, which is be upset/sad/angry/whatever - that also did surprisingly little to actually address whatever the issues are, and was about where I decided I'd had enough. But I guess he worked through to 'OK, what's the best of way of actually making this work' stage ... once he gets there, he's actually really capable of talking things through, and we finally were both really listening to each other.

We did get to another interesting point in the conversation, where he looked at me and said 'Do you really know what you want?' And of course, I don't, not in the specifics ... the only thing I really know is that I want the freedom to be able to work it out, not hypothetically, but actually. So hopefully that's where we are.

The Great Journey has two parts in life. First we figure out what we seek, then we go seek it out. Most of us tangle the two parts together, which is perfectly fine. I've always envied people who could do the parts in sequence. I never could.

The BF sounds like...most of us. He has his phases he has to go through, his tools and tricks he tries. Makes me think of Kubler-Ross, where first we employ various forms of resistance before we reach acceptance, if we reach acceptance. With Poly, it's not uncommon to meet people who will accept your poly, but can't/won't be actually poly themselves. For a lot of people, myself included sometimes, getting to the conversation is actually the hard part.

But, also remember to do the deep work with yourself and try to get to the point where you have clarity on what you actually want. I've know people who slipped into the Poly world, but always struggled with it because there was something, or many things, layered under it and it was just a phase that they had to pass through. Poly itself, on the psychological level, can be just another coping or masking method. Not saying that it is for you, but it's true enough for some people. For some people, poly is just code for promiscuity - the amor part never really plays into it.

 

[KimGordon67]

The Great Journey has two parts in life. First we figure out what we seek, then we go seek it out. Most of us tangle the two parts together, which is perfectly fine. I've always envied people who could do the parts in sequence. I never could.

The BF sounds like...most of us. He has his phases he has to go through, his tools and tricks he tries. Makes me think of Kubler-Ross, where first we employ various forms of resistance before we reach acceptance, if we reach acceptance. With Poly, it's not uncommon to meet people who will accept your poly, but can't/won't be actually poly themselves. For a lot of people, myself included sometimes, getting to the conversation is actually the hard part.

But, also remember to do the deep work with yourself and try to get to the point where you have clarity on what you actually want. I've know people who slipped into the Poly world, but always struggled with it because there was something, or many things, layered under it and it was just a phase that they had to pass through. Poly itself, on the psychological level, can be just another coping or masking method. Not saying that it is for you, but it's true enough for some people. For some people, poly is just code for promiscuity - the amor part never really plays into it.

Luckily, I think I got all the promiscuity out of my system in my 20s/30s, and subsequently came to the realisation that really good sex almost only occurs with someone you know (with some obvious exceptions) ... I think what I'm looking for is a couple, maybe three, 'things' ... largely because I can't see how anyone has the time for anything more than that, or at least I definitely don't see how I have the time for anything more than that, if I'm also to accommodate my curmudgeonly need to spend time alone, and also have proper relationships with family and friends. Oh - and keep my job. And not have the house fall down around my ears.
So that's sort of loosely what I think I'm aiming for, but I'm happy to see if something else ends up being preferable ... at the moment, the primary thing is just not feeling trapped. Whatever else happens now remains to be seen ...

 

[Paul_Chance]

Luckily, I think I got all the promiscuity out of my system in my 20s/30s, and subsequently came to the realisation that really good sex almost only occurs with someone you know (with some obvious exceptions) ... I think what I'm looking for is a couple, maybe three, 'things' ... largely because I can't see how anyone has the time for anything more than that, or at least I definitely don't see how I have the time for anything more than that, if I'm also to accommodate my curmudgeonly need to spend time alone, and also have proper relationships with family and friends. Oh - and keep my job. And not have the house fall down around my ears.
So that's sort of loosely what I think I'm aiming for, but I'm happy to see if something else ends up being preferable ... at the moment, the primary thing is just not feeling trapped. Whatever else happens now remains to be seen ...

That's where I've generally ended up - one, two or three (with the occasional passionate, but primarily sexual affair mixed in). I agree - I don't see how a person could manage more, especially loving relationships - from a sheer time investment level, and also have time for work, friends, hobbies, and those necessary retreats into solitude that are so good for us.

I also plowed through my promiscuity in two distinct phases, once in my twenties and then again in my early forties. I'm not interested in being promiscuous to that level anymore - I came to the same conclusion - sex is always better with someone you love and care deeply for. Otherwise, it's more like a very pleasant exercise session with a few great moments - and then it tapers off.

 

[KimGordon67]

That's where I've generally ended up - one, two or three (with the occasional passionate, but primarily sexual affair mixed in). I agree - I don't see how a person could manage more, especially loving relationships - from a sheer time investment level, and also have time for work, friends, hobbies, and those necessary retreats into solitude that are so good for us.

I also plowed through my promiscuity in two distinct phases, once in my twenties and then again in my early forties. I'm not interested in being promiscuous to that level anymore - I came to the same conclusion - sex is always better with someone you love and care deeply for. Otherwise, it's more like a very pleasant exercise session with a few great moments - and then it tapers off.

I sometimes like the idea of a poly group living together in some sort of agreeable arrangement ... but then ... people. Ugh.

In terms of the 'amory' bit, I do sort of think there's been a poly aspect to things for some time, in that even though we separated, I still have an extremely close and loving relationship with my ex-husband, and we continue to care for each other a great deal ... I actually realised that other day that when we talk on the phone, I have to quite consciously stop myself from saying 'love you' at the end of conversations.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I sometimes like the idea of a poly group living together in some sort of agreeable arrangement ... but then ... people. Ugh.

In terms of the 'amory' bit, I do sort of think there's been a poly aspect to things for some time, in that even though we separated, I still have an extremely close and loving relationship with my ex-husband, and we continue to care for each other a great deal ... I actually realised that other day that when we talk on the phone, I have to quite consciously stop myself from saying 'love you' at the end of conversations.

That's polyamory in action. It's okay to say "love you" - and to mean it, to the people you love in this world, especially once you've moved out of the mainstream cultural definitions, so I would say "congratulations, welcome to polyamory". Sex is only one dimension of it. I know a committed monogamous couple who are non-sexual with each other (for different reasons), but are still deeply in love and act like it and express it.

That reminded me of a funny thing that happened a few years back. Many years ago I had a deep and passionate affair with a woman, we eventually separated (due to work and life). A few years back I was in the city where she lives with her husband, so I reached out and then went over for coffee.

We were all sitting in the living room, her and I on the couch talking while her husband watched TV and her kids were on the floor goofing around. We were deep in catching up when we both realized were sitting there talking and holding hands - like we'd done hundreds of times before.

LOL - we both popped our hands back like we were teenagers caught making out. Then we cracked up about it. When we parted all those years before, we'd parted with love and that love was still there. Parting with love is way different than parting with any of the varieties of not love - so in my book, it's still fine to both express that love and show it through physical affection.

 

[KimGordon67]

That's polyamory in action. It's okay to say "love you" - and to mean it, to the people you love in this world, especially once you've moved out of the mainstream cultural definitions, so I would say "congratulations, welcome to polyamory". Sex is only one dimension of it. I know a committed monogamous couple who are non-sexual with each other (for different reasons), but are still deeply in love and act like it and express it.

That reminded me of a funny thing that happened a few years back. Many years ago I had a deep and passionate affair with a woman, we eventually separated (due to work and life). A few years back I was in the city where she lives with her husband, so I reached out and then went over for coffee.

We were all sitting in the living room, her and I on the couch talking while her husband watched TV and her kids were on the floor goofing around. We were deep in catching up when we both realized were sitting there talking and holding hands - like we'd done hundreds of times before.

LOL - we both popped our hands back like we were teenagers caught making out. Then we cracked up about it. When we parted all those years before, we'd parted with love and that love was still there. Parting with love is way different than parting with any of the varieties of not love - so in my book, it's still fine to both express that love and show it through physical affection.

Ha - yes, those habits are pretty habitual. I still find it odd that when the ex and I stay at each other's places (which happens every couple of months), we sleep in separate beds, even when sometimes it would be more practical for us to share a bed ... but possibly his girlfriend would have something to say about that.

 

[Moochienanu]

Well, things are going swimmingly with the guy I met on Tinder ... we haven't met in person yet, but the daily online banter is a lot of fun. The stupidity of life means that it'll probably be three weeks before we're actually co-located ... that should be enough time for me to lose 20kg.

But, in other news, I received possible the oddest proposition ever yesterday, whether I was interested in joining someone's "polyamorous male Dom female submissive couple [...] W/we seek a bi female to join O/our loving household someone who does not get jealous [...] Someone loving,kind,sexy and comfortable in who they are what they want [...] but is able to show affection to B/both of us in public if comfortable [...]"
They aren't on Lit, and I think I've edited the original message enough that it's just the gist of what they were saying.)
I pointed out that they were kind of looking for the unicorn - and a sub unicorn at that - but he didn't seem to get the reference. The thing that kind of really got me though, was the 'W/we' and 'U/us'. I know it's fairly common to capitalise the D side of the PYL/pyl equation (although it's not something I ever do, for reasons), but to THAT extent? Do people commonly do that?

Long time lurker here. I feel like you definitely have a great discussion going on and would love to join, if I may.

I have a little something to say about the capitalization thing. I’ve seen it before and use it myself. Not at all to this extent mind, but I do use it to distinguish my D/s relationship from any others. I guess a bit more explanation is necessary, huh? A quick run down of my poly journey should help.

My husband and I have been together for 15 years now. We are great together, but realized a few years ago that something was missing for each of us that we couldn’t give the other. We decided, after many honest discussions, that it would be best to extend our wings and try and find other people to love as well as each other. I was hesitant, but at the same time excited because of the whole “the world is now my oyster” thing and I started looking at people on the street differently... like anyone could be a potential partner, which I realize now is just odd. Anyway, it took me a while to hone what I was looking for in another relationship, but I have hit my nail with a velocity I didn’t know existed about a year ago. I went through the gambit of internet dating things: tinder, bumble, whisper (that one was just a poor idea), but it turned out He found me here, while I was floundering around, trying to make an online relationship work after it had gone sour. He sent me PMs in the voice of a friend, never overstepping or asking for more than what I was willing to give, which was refreshing from the other people I often meet here. Slowly, we grew closer and closer until one day, I realized He means so much to me that I had subconsciously stopped looking for another active relationship; I was polysaturated with my husband and Him. I surprised myself because I thought I would need more, but it turns out, as He aptly stated it last night, we fill all the gaps for each other we didn’t even know existed.

So, I use a bit of the capitalization for my Daddy to distinguish Him from my husband or other men I may talk about here and with my friends who know about my lifestyles. Although we’re not married to each other, He is my Dominant and gets the designation with the respect of capitalization.

Anyway, I read your struggles and can relate to much of what you say. Thank you for creating this thread and sharing Kim.

 

[KimGordon67]

Long time lurker here. I feel like you definitely have a great discussion going on and would love to join, if I may.

I have a little something to say about the capitalization thing. I’ve seen it before and use it myself. Not at all to this extent mind, but I do use it to distinguish my D/s relationship from any others. I guess a bit more explanation is necessary, huh? A quick run down of my poly journey should help.

My husband and I have been together for 15 years now. We are great together, but realized a few years ago that something was missing for each of us that we couldn’t give the other. We decided, after many honest discussions, that it would be best to extend our wings and try and find other people to love as well as each other. I was hesitant, but at the same time excited because of the whole “the world is now my oyster” thing and I started looking at people on the street differently... like anyone could be a potential partner, which I realize now is just odd. Anyway, it took me a while to hone what I was looking for in another relationship, but I have hit my nail with a velocity I didn’t know existed about a year ago. I went through the gambit of internet dating things: tinder, bumble, whisper (that one was just a poor idea), but it turned out He found me here, while I was floundering around, trying to make an online relationship work after it had gone sour. He sent me PMs in the voice of a friend, never overstepping or asking for more than what I was willing to give, which was refreshing from the other people I often meet here. Slowly, we grew closer and closer until one day, I realized He means so much to me that I had subconsciously stopped looking for another active relationship; I was polysaturated with my husband and Him. I surprised myself because I thought I would need more, but it turns out, as He aptly stated it last night, we fill all the gaps for each other we didn’t even know existed.

So, I use a bit of the capitalization for my Daddy to distinguish Him from my husband or other men I may talk about here and with my friends who know about my lifestyles. Although we’re not married to each other, He is my Dominant and gets the designation with the respect of capitalization.

Anyway, I read your struggles and can relate to much of what you say. Thank you for creating this thread and sharing Kim.

Thanks you ... this is a lovely story, and I adore the term 'polysaturated' - I look forward to using it for myself at some point. I also totally get what you say about 'looking at people differently' ... and it's pleasing to read of someone who was able to make this happen within the context of an existent marriage. I think that's a difficult shift - when you start out monogamous and then move into something else. My husband genuinely tried, but it just wasn't in him - however, he never judged me and always framed that as us just wanting 'different' things, which I think is also quite amazing.
I get your point about the capitalisation thing, and it certainly makes total sense to me. I don't know that it's something I'd ever do, although I understand why others do - I guess this was just the first time I'd seen it bleed into all aspects of their lives in that way, and the way he talked about himself and her (because it was him who messaged me).

 

[Moochienanu]

Thanks you ... this is a lovely story, and I adore the term 'polysaturated' - I look forward to using it for myself at some point. I also totally get what you say about 'looking at people differently' ... and it's pleasing to read of someone who was able to make this happen within the context of an existent marriage. I think that's a difficult shift - when you start out monogamous and then move into something else. My husband genuinely tried, but it just wasn't in him - however, he never judged me and always framed that as us just wanting 'different' things, which I think is also quite amazing.
I get your point about the capitalisation thing, and it certainly makes total sense to me. I don't know that it's something I'd ever do, although I understand why others do - I guess this was just the first time I'd seen it bleed into all aspects of their lives in that way, and the way he talked about himself and her (because it was him who messaged me).

I really like the term too. Describes this feeling of “enough” really well. ‘Polysaturated’ was a term I learned early on in this whole exploration. I was out with a friend and we were discussing how they might be interested in a poly relationship too, so while we ate ice cream, we looked up terms like ‘unicorn,’ ‘comet,’ ‘hot wife,’ and ‘cowboy’ which seemed to be popping up on the sites we were frequenting.

The shift from monogamy to non was difficult at first, and I think if he hadn’t been the one to bring it up as a possibility, we would never have arrived there. My husband has always, since before we dated, been adamant that he would still love me, no matter if we found someone(s) else to share ourselves with. This thought was always just in the background for our first decade of marriage, but it started making sense when we started having real conversations about becoming poly. It has taken a lot of nonjudgmental communication, but is working well for us. Hooray for success stories!

I remember the first time I saw the W/we type capitalization and thought how committed that person was to it. Definitely not something I’m interested in getting tangled in either.

 

[LostGirlTink]

I really can't believe I have to say this, but if people could resist the urge to use this thread as a leaping off point for sending me moralising judgey PMs, that would be great. I'm a total mess at the moment, and having people going 'tsk tsk' is not really helping. If you have some ethical issue with the concept of polyamory, maybe this thread, or my PMs, isn't the place for you. Lit's big enough for you to find somewhere else to be.

I probably should clarify something about my original post (which I think is in the prior thread but maybe not) ... I never 'demanded' that the BF be non-monogamous, any more than he 'demanded' that I be monogamous. He's a 'naturally' monogamous person; I'm not. That's a very difficult mix in a relationship, and in our case it didn't work out. There were a myriad other factors at play in there, but fundamentally that was the base problem.

I only read part of your other thread but I've subscribed to this one. As the naturally monogamous partner with a poly partner... I can concur with it being a difficult mix and I'm sorry it doesn't seem to have worked out. I'm following along because the more I know about things, the more I learn and grow, the better human I can be.
And I do have to say the judgey pms post you made.. when I started my poly thread I got a bunch of that at first too. It's odd that this has such a hard hitting reaction in so many people.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Polysaturated is a great term, thanks for that Moochie.

 

[KimGordon67]

I only read part of your other thread but I've subscribed to this one. As the naturally monogamous partner with a poly partner... I can concur with it being a difficult mix and I'm sorry it doesn't seem to have worked out. I'm following along because the more I know about things, the more I learn and grow, the better human I can be.
And I do have to say the judgey pms post you made.. when I started my poly thread I got a bunch of that at first too. It's odd that this has such a hard hitting reaction in so many people.

I am intending to get to the conversations you've had around this too - I'm just struggling at the moment to find time to do all the things. Is there somewhere in there where you talk about how you get to grips with that situation? Because now I'm back in that relationship, I'm trying to work out how to help him be at ease with things.

 

[KimGordon67]

I really like the term too. Describes this feeling of “enough” really well. ‘Polysaturated’ was a term I learned early on in this whole exploration. I was out with a friend and we were discussing how they might be interested in a poly relationship too, so while we ate ice cream, we looked up terms like ‘unicorn,’ ‘comet,’ ‘hot wife,’ and ‘cowboy’ which seemed to be popping up on the sites we were frequenting.

The shift from monogamy to non was difficult at first, and I think if he hadn’t been the one to bring it up as a possibility, we would never have arrived there. My husband has always, since before we dated, been adamant that he would still love me, no matter if we found someone(s) else to share ourselves with. This thought was always just in the background for our first decade of marriage, but it started making sense when we started having real conversations about becoming poly. It has taken a lot of nonjudgmental communication, but is working well for us. Hooray for success stories!

I remember the first time I saw the W/we type capitalization and thought how committed that person was to it. Definitely not something I’m interested in getting tangled in either.

Sigh ... talking to people. That's something I'm really lacking. It seems almost silly how much I rely on Lit, and people I've met here, for that. I can't even tell most of my friends about the poly thing ... gay/trans/whatever else, no one would bat an eyelid, but this ... why do people have such a problem? (This actually relates to Tink's comment as well.)

 

[tolyk]

Sigh ... talking to people. That's something I'm really lacking. It seems almost silly how much I rely on Lit, and people I've met here, for that. I can't even tell most of my friends about the poly thing ... gay/trans/whatever else, no one would bat an eyelid, but this ... why do people have such a problem? (This actually relates to Tink's comment as well.)

I've told all my friends that matter to me. And had told quite a few of my co-workers. It is hard, but I also have zero shame. At all. I also figure if they are truly friends, they'll understand.

 

[LostGirlTink]

I am intending to get to the conversations you've had around this too - I'm just struggling at the moment to find time to do all the things. Is there somewhere in there where you talk about how you get to grips with that situation? Because now I'm back in that relationship, I'm trying to work out how to help him be at ease with things.

Not so much but tomorrow if I get a chance I’ll try to tell you some of the stuff I’ve done to work through it for me I need a keyboard to do that though

 

[KimGordon67]

I've told all my friends that matter to me. And had told quite a few of my co-workers. It is hard, but I also have zero shame. At all. I also figure if they are truly friends, they'll understand.

I guess things might change for me when I'm actively poly, instead of it being a hypothetical ... or not. I have talked to some friends, and they've been fine ... but of course, I've been pretty selective. I work with quite a few younger people, a couple of whom I talk to - the younger people seem much better about this stuff than us old people.

 

[Dreamliner]

There is always the need to be cautious who you openly discuss your lifestyle with. Some people will use it to their advantage if they want to put themselves first, rather than see you as part of the wider community, and normal.

I have noticed, like you Kim, the younger (20s) generation, seem to be more open to differing lifestyles, perhaps as they are more relaxed and open as it is seen as normalised behaviour in the community.