Kim's poly/kink thread reinvented ...

[KimGordon67]

Hey Kim
You can see that most of us admire your uncompromising search for happiness and are pulling for you.

Don't forget about the ignore function! The Ig-nore List is for those who are Ig-norant.

I know ... it's just people can be so irritating. (Also, why doesn't real life have an 'ignore' function?)

 

[OneAuthor]

Also, why doesn't real life have an 'ignore' function?

It does. It's called "sleep".

 

[AlwaysFara]

Well, in his defence, he never tried to be non-monogamous himself ... just the once, and that wasn't what he wanted. He spent two years in a relationship with me while I was married as well, which for him was less than ideal, but was just happy that we got to spend time together. I think that's why I was flummoxed when he just assumed that we'd be monogamous when I left my husband ... I mean, all the evidence clearly demonstrated I wasn't that sort of person.

That point of being in a relationship where someone understands that spending time with another person makes you happy, and they want you to be happy, is where I'd like to get to. Before I'm too old and saggy for anyone to be interested would be nice.

You’re fucking beautiful. I know this just from who you are, here.
Men don’t care. They really don’t. They want to be with someone who is going to love them hard. That’s it.
At least for me.
You’ll be fine.


It sounds like BF wasn’t truly poly, but simply in love with you.

That doesn’t mean you forced anyone into anything.

The moral jackass can shove it.

 

[SubtleFriction]

I guess one thing to note is that the d/s aspect of our relationship was only ever in relation to the sex - I'm not someone who is able to be, nor wants to be, sub in any other aspect of my life ... I get why some people are, but I'm just not one of them.

This resonates very deeply with me. I find power differentials in the bedroom incredibly sexy, whether I'm the one doing the controlling or I'm the one being controlled.

But outside the bedroom? Most of the time I can barely manage my own life! The idea of managing someone else's at the same time seems overwhelming. But I'm too stubborn and contrary to ever give someone direct control over me on a day to day basis.

It's like Whitman said:

"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself;
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"

There is no obligation for any of us to maintain consistency across all the different roles we play. You can be confident and self-contained and totally autonomous in your day to day life, and still get off on being naked, gagged and helpless when you're having sex. Enjoying the latter doesn't mean that you have to give up the former. (I hope. )

 

[KimGordon67]

You’re fucking beautiful. I know this just from who you are, here.
Men don’t care. They really don’t. They want to be with someone who is going to love them hard. That’s it.
At least for me.
You’ll be fine.


It sounds like BF wasn’t truly poly, but simply in love with you.

That doesn’t mean you forced anyone into anything.

The moral jackass can shove it.

That's pretty much it ... he did eventually try to get to a point where he was OK with the poly, but took a long time to get to the point of trying, and it was clear that it was going to take an even longer time to get to the point of being OK with it ... and he was only ever going to be 'OK'. I love him a lot, but in the end I realised I had a range of options:
- waiting until he was OK ... but I honestly just don't have a lot of 'wait' left in me.
- forging ahead with being non-monogamous in reality, which was clearly going to make him unhappy, which I hated.
- kept being monogamous myself, which was making me unhappy.

Having to choose between someone you really love, and living your life the way that makes you happy, is a shit position to be in. (And to anyone who wants to say 'well, relationships take work' - trust me, you have no idea how much work we both put into that relationship. This was just one of the huge issues we had to deal with, and that's partly why it took two years to get to crunch point - because we were just sorting out so much other stuff in the interim.)

Also, thanks.

 

[KimGordon67]

This resonates very deeply with me. I find power differentials in the bedroom incredibly sexy, whether I'm the one doing the controlling or I'm the one being controlled.

But outside the bedroom? Most of the time I can barely manage my own life! The idea of managing someone else's at the same time seems overwhelming. But I'm too stubborn and contrary to ever give someone direct control over me on a day to day basis.

It's like Whitman said:

"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself;
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"

There is no obligation for any of us to maintain consistency across all the different roles we play. You can be confident and self-contained and totally autonomous in your day to day life, and still get off on being naked, gagged and helpless when you're having sex. Enjoying the latter doesn't mean that you have to give up the former. (I hope. )

Exactly. I remember one morning I was talking to TG (see previous thread, linked in the first post) and he said 'wear the underwear I sent you', and I said 'are you seriously trying to tell me what to wear?' and we both cracked up laughing. This was probably 10 minutes after he very definitely WAS telling me what to do and I was acquiescing to the fullest extent.

The (ex)BF had a couple of very subtle things he would do when we were in public, but they were pretty much sexual - just not obviously so.
Sigh.
I miss that.

 

[SubtleFriction]

Exactly. I remember one morning I was talking to TG (see previous thread, linked in the first post) and he said 'wear the underwear I sent you', and I said 'are you seriously trying to tell me what to wear?' and we both cracked up laughing. This was probably 10 minutes after he very definitely WAS telling me what to do and I was acquiescing to the fullest extent.

Ha, that's great!

Personally I find submission a lot more interesting when the person doing the submitting is normally quite strong and independent. There's a reason Slave Girl Leia is so popular ... .

 

[Bramblethorn]

Just to offer a thought of my own, I think that saying, "the role of control in poly relationships" is like saying, "the role of control in relationships". Some poly relationships might have elements of control; doubtless others will not.

IME poly people aren't tremendously different from non-poly people, and most of the same drivers still apply, but there are some aspects of control that are particularly important in poly.

One of the biggest ones being - when two different relationships are in conflict, how does that get reconciled?

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hey Kim
You can see that most of us admire your uncompromising search for happiness and are pulling for you.

Don't forget about the ignore function! The Ig-nore List is for those who are Ig-norant.

I wish there was some automated way to mass-ignore dudes who have a sexual act in their handle and any kind of "hey ladies FYI I am available for sex" in their sig.

#notallmenwithasexualactintheirhandleandawannafuckintheirsig

 

[KimGordon67]

I wish there was some automated way to mass-ignore dudes who have a sexual act in their handle and any kind of "hey ladies FYI I am available for sex" in their sig.

#notallmenwithasexualactintheirhandleandawannafuckintheirsig

The whole thing is just annoying ... it's like he was saying 'if you're going to be submissive sexually, you clearly should just let the guy control every other aspect of your relationship and be happy with whatever they want'. I never demanded that my BF be poly - he never demanded that I be monogamous. (And demanded was the word this guy used.) If you can't be in a relationship with someone because you each want different shaped relationships, and there's not a lot of middle ground with that, that's just a thing ... no one is 'demanding' anything.
Sigh.

 

[quietlylooking]

Kim, I've watched and quietly admired your quest for a balanced polyamorous life. At one point in my life, I was interested in enough to buy a book on the subject and show it to my DH. He didn't jump on the bandwagon, and I didn't end up pursuing it further with him. Still, I wish it were more accepted in our world. Wishing you well as you continue your journey.

 

[KimGordon67]

Kim, I've watched and quietly admired your quest for a balanced polyamorous life. At one point in my life, I was interested in enough to buy a book on the subject and show it to my DH. He didn't jump on the bandwagon, and I didn't end up pursuing it further with him. Still, I wish it were more accepted in our world. Wishing you well as you continue your journey.

It's something I find it very difficult to talk to my immediate RL circle about - some I have, but I have to be quite careful about who, because it's something people can (obviously) be quite judgemental about. I find it so weird, because the entirely of human history demonstrates that, as a species, we're spectacularly rubbish at being monogamous, yet is remains held as some sort of ideal.
I often feel we need to examine attitudes towards relationships in general a bit more. When me and my husband broke up, so many people said things to effect of 'So sorry it didn't work out', and we were like, 'But it DID work out - we had 20 awesome years together, we did lots of cool stuff, we made an amazing human being, and we've both left the relationship far better people than we entered it'. How is that not 'successful' - it's weird to me that relationship 'success' is measured by longevity to the exclusion of almost everything else.

 

[AlwaysFara]

It's something I find it very difficult to talk to my immediate RL circle about - some I have, but I have to be quite careful about who, because it's something people can (obviously) be quite judgemental about. I find it so weird, because the entirely of human history demonstrates that, as a species, we're spectacularly rubbish at being monogamous, yet is remains held as some sort of ideal.
I often feel we need to examine attitudes towards relationships in general a bit more. When me and my husband broke up, so many people said things to effect of 'So sorry it didn't work out', and we were like, 'But it DID work out - we had 20 awesome years together, we did lots of cool stuff, we made an amazing human being, and we've both left the relationship far better people than we entered it'. How is that not 'successful' - it's weird to me that relationship 'success' is measured by longevity to the exclusion of almost everything else.

That’s a really good way of looking at it.

 

[MrRetro]

It's something I find it very difficult to talk to my immediate RL circle about - some I have, but I have to be quite careful about who, because it's something people can (obviously) be quite judgemental about. I find it so weird, because the entirely of human history demonstrates that, as a species, we're spectacularly rubbish at being monogamous, yet is remains held as some sort of ideal.
I often feel we need to examine attitudes towards relationships in general a bit more. When me and my husband broke up, so many people said things to effect of 'So sorry it didn't work out', and we were like, 'But it DID work out - we had 20 awesome years together, we did lots of cool stuff, we made an amazing human being, and we've both left the relationship far better people than we entered it'. How is that not 'successful' - it's weird to me that relationship 'success' is measured by longevity to the exclusion of almost everything else.

You make so many good points here, I totally agree with you..

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Men don’t care. They really don’t. They want to be with someone who is going to love them hard. That’s it...

You’ll be fine.

She's not wrong.

 

[KimGordon67]

She's not wrong.

The frustrating thing is that I DO love him. When we're together, he has everything. It's sort of why I ended up finishing things - I couldn't handle hurting him, and I had incontrovertible evidence that having anything to do with anyone else was going to hurt him.
I wish that loving him was enough. But apparently, for some people, it just isn't.

 

[KimGordon67]

So ... trying to be a bit more future focused, instead of maudlin and sad (not that I'm not maudlin and sad, but I can do that in my own time) ... now I'm faced with the prospect of establishing some sort of connection with someone who is good with the poly aspect, and also maybe up for the d/s stuff. And who doesn't want to get married. And who cooks, and likes my music, and isn't right wing, and doesn't mind a bit of travel ... that all seems realistic.

And then part of me thinks maybe I just need to spend a bit time on my own ... but other parts of me are thinking 'but the SEX!'.

 

[MrRetro]

So ... trying to be a bit more future focused, instead of maudlin and sad (not that I'm not maudlin and sad, but I can do that in my own time) ... now I'm faced with the prospect of establishing some sort of connection with someone who is good with the poly aspect, and also maybe up for the d/s stuff. And who doesn't want to get married. And who cooks, and likes my music, and isn't right wing, and doesn't mind a bit of travel ... that all seems realistic.

And then part of me thinks maybe I just need to spend a bit time on my own ... but other parts of me are thinking 'but the SEX!'.

He does sound like a great fit for you Kim..

 

[KimGordon67]

He does sound like a great fit for you Kim..

LOL ... I was not even slightly clear enough. The person I described is entirely hypothetical. The trick is finding someone who fits that description.

 

[Dreamliner]

I think Fara you make it too simplistic about us men. There is more to it than just wanting to be loved hard.

Kim, a key characteristic is the ability to communicate. Talk openly without a person shutting down or reverting to less desirable actions. The ability to talk, communicate and develop a relationship whether it is a couple or a poly dynamic, requires effort and commitment.

I trust you are able to find that balance.

 

[KimGordon67]

... and because I don't think I said it earlier, thanks to everyone who's said lovely things either in this thread or in PMs. It's been really nice to received a few virtual hugs, especially when there's a lot of aspects about the relationship that's just finished that I can't really talk to my immediate social circle about. Love you guys and girls.

 

[muycurioso]

you sound like a very sexy woman

and I hate to say this cuz it isn't the best thing but... you should date married guys that are desparate for sex and a female's touch. They would not want a relationship. My 2 cents

 

[cascadiabound]

and I hate to say this cuz it isn't the best thing but... you should date married guys that are desparate for sex and a female's touch. They would not want a relationship. My 2 cents

She didn't say she wasn't looking for a relationship. She's poly. That is not the same thing. And...from what I know of Kim, she would never tolerate being a secret for someone who is unhappily married.

 

[KimGordon67]

She didn't say she wasn't looking for a relationship. She's poly. That is not the same thing. And...from what I know of Kim, she would never tolerate being a secret for someone who is unhappily married.

That's a pretty accurate assessment ... the ethical part of 'ethical non-monogamy' is quite important to me, on all sides of the equation. I've screwed that up in the past, and don't intend to do so again if I can possibly avoid it. (Also, I don't know that suggesting I target guys who are 'desperate for sex' is the most complimentary thing anyone's ever said to me. )

 

[KimGordon67]

I asked this question in the shibari/ropework thread, but it maybe belongs here too ... I guess my over-arching concern regarding entering into any new 'thing' is that I don't know if I'll be able to find that feeling again, or all the other feelings that our d/s sex had ... am I being too pessimistic? Should I just be leaving myself open for other feelings? Should I just stay at home with the cat?

"I was idly scrolling through t[that] his thread, and this shot (and a few others) made me think of something ... we never got this involved in rope work, but I know that often when I was cuffed or tied in some way, and we'd finished doing 'the thing' (whatever the thing was at that moment), and he'd ask if I wanted him to untie/uncuff, and often I'd just want to stay like that because it made me feel calm, safe, something ... do other people feel like that?"

https://66.media.tumblr.com/cdad0cd1f4a5cb794445bed854ee8239/tumblr_pn2xtvPkrS1uth486o1_540.jpg