Jokes
- Thread starter biggbear8
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wally2450
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You Must Be A Teacher If...
~ You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to
have all your holidays and summers free."
~ You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
~ You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says,
"Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
~ When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children
and correct their behavior.
~ Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SO
much simpler.
~ You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
~ You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into
home schooling.
~ You've never had your profession slammed by someone
who would never dream of doing your job.
~ You can't have children of your own, because there is no
name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood
pressure the moment you heard it.
~ Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question,
"Why is this kid like this?"
~ You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to
have all your holidays and summers free."
~ You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
~ You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says,
"Boy, the kids are sure mellow today."
~ When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children
and correct their behavior.
~ Marking all A's on the report card would make your life SO
much simpler.
~ You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
~ You really encourage an obnoxious parent to check into
home schooling.
~ You've never had your profession slammed by someone
who would never dream of doing your job.
~ You can't have children of your own, because there is no
name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood
pressure the moment you heard it.
~ Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question,
"Why is this kid like this?"
wally2450
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Succulent-one
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A man walked into a curio shop in Dobson, North Carolina. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a very life-like, life-size bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it looked so striking that he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner and asked "How much is the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollar restocking charge if you bring it back," said the owner.
The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat and I won't be bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing. He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbor as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop.
"Aha," said the owner, "You're bringing it back!"
"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there."
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollar restocking charge if you bring it back," said the owner.
The man gave the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll take the rat and I won't be bringing it back."
As he walked down the street carrying the bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of alleys and sewers, and began following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting, so he began to walk a little bit faster. Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind him grew to over a hundred, and they began squealing. He started to trot towards the Harbor. He took a nervous look around and saw that the rats numbered in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they were all squealing and coming towards him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the water and threw the bronze rat as far out into the Harbor as he could.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the water after it, and were drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop.
"Aha," said the owner, "You're bringing it back!"
"Actually no," said the man. "I came back to see how much you want for that little bronze Mexican over there."
wally2450
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wally2450
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Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to
the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation
held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does any-
one know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called
on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper
is ready!
the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation
held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does any-
one know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called
on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper
is ready!
Succulent-one
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An elderly couple was attending church services.
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband,
"I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband,
"I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"
He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
wally2450
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wally2450
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wally2450
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A marriage broker goes to see Mr Cohen, a cofirmed bachelor for many
years.
"Mr Cohen, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the one you need.
You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!"
says the marriage broker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look
after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill
the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'.... I didn't say they were mine!"
years.
"Mr Cohen, don't let it get too late. I have exactly the one you need.
You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!"
says the marriage broker.
"Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look
after all my needs."
"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill
the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'.... I didn't say they were mine!"
wally2450
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wally2450
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Sheri was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the
skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income
and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals
in love with him, even though he was a married man. "Oh, Sid," she
sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can
be together, the way we were meant to be?" Taking her by the
shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars
on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid
motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?" "No, no..." she
sobbed, heartsick. "Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a
suggestion."
_________
A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her
clothing. 'Look, dear,' she said to her husband, 'I can still get
into the same skirts I had before I got married.' 'Yeah,' he snorted,
'I wish I could say the same.'
skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income
and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals
in love with him, even though he was a married man. "Oh, Sid," she
sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can
be together, the way we were meant to be?" Taking her by the
shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars
on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid
motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?" "No, no..." she
sobbed, heartsick. "Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a
suggestion."
_________
A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her
clothing. 'Look, dear,' she said to her husband, 'I can still get
into the same skirts I had before I got married.' 'Yeah,' he snorted,
'I wish I could say the same.'
wally2450
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Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, “If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you two off.”
Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.
“I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says.
“That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?”
“I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.”
The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!”
“One hundred! How?” asks the judge.
“Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison…’”
Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.
“I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says.
“That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?”
“I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.”
The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!”
“One hundred! How?” asks the judge.
“Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison…’”
wally2450
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Succulent-one
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Your Recent Order
DEAR Customer:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS WEBSITE.
YOU'VE REQUESTED THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM.
THAT'S OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER
DEAR Customer:
THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS WEBSITE.
YOU'VE REQUESTED THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.
PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM.
THAT'S OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER
Succulent-one
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Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready"
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The phone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him, as I have.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready"
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The phone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him, as I have.
Colton_White
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I read a lady advertizment
on dating forum,
she said
"don't ask me to force you to cheat on your married partner"
on dating forum,
she said
"don't ask me to force you to cheat on your married partner"
wally2450
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"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing
the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." "Will this
help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he
answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will
there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the
gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra
and panties."
the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." "Will this
help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he
answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours." "Will
there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the
gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra
and panties."
wally2450
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wally2450
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There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."
Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla!
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."
Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.
In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. It was the gorilla!
This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, slowly raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You're it!"
Son comes home at 4 a.m.
Father: "Where've you been, lad?!"
Son: "I had real sex for the first time in my life!"
Father: "Oh. Well, great. Grab a beer, sit down and tell me everything about it."
Son: "Beer's great. Telling the story, too, but sitting might become a problem..."
Father: "Where've you been, lad?!"
Son: "I had real sex for the first time in my life!"
Father: "Oh. Well, great. Grab a beer, sit down and tell me everything about it."
Son: "Beer's great. Telling the story, too, but sitting might become a problem..."
