Jokes
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wally2450
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You know you're in a Redneck church if:
Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want
to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish,
and what bait was used to catch 'em.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in
his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
In a congregation of 500 members, there are
only seven last names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as "Branding."
There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a
new church septic tank.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor
to howling.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized wash tub.
The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's
Bar-B-Q, and are embroidered with his logo.
The collection plates are really hubcaps from
a '56 Chevy.
Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want
to know whether the two fish were bass or catfish,
and what bait was used to catch 'em.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an
official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in
his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
In a congregation of 500 members, there are
only seven last names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as "Branding."
There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a
new church septic tank.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor
to howling.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized wash tub.
The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's
Bar-B-Q, and are embroidered with his logo.
The collection plates are really hubcaps from
a '56 Chevy.
wally2450
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Did you hear about the stressed out Priest who went to the Doctor in
a panic and asked him, "What does it mean Doc, when I go pee it burns
like the Fire of Satan and I have this God awful drip?" The Doc,
smiled and said, "It means the Altar boy lied. He wasn't a Virgin."
What's the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?
"I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away.
a panic and asked him, "What does it mean Doc, when I go pee it burns
like the Fire of Satan and I have this God awful drip?" The Doc,
smiled and said, "It means the Altar boy lied. He wasn't a Virgin."
What's the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?
"I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away.
Succulent-one
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WARNING FROM PAKISTAN
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Moh ammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America and Canada's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and Sprint customer service reps.
It's getting ugly.
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Moh ammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America and Canada's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and Sprint customer service reps.
It's getting ugly.
Succulent-one
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I will try this joke again with the punch line this time......... 
It was this little girl's first day of school, and
the teacher asked her what her name was. She
replied, Happy Butt.
The teacher said, Honey I don't think that's your
name. You need to go to the principal's office and
get this straightened out.
So she went to the principal's office and he
asked, What's your name? And the little girl said,
Happy Butt.
The principal called the girl's mother to get this
straightened out once and for all. After getting
off the phone, he looked at the little girl and
said, Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.
The girl then exclaimed, Glad Ass, Happy Butt,
what's the difference?
It was this little girl's first day of school, and
the teacher asked her what her name was. She
replied, Happy Butt.
The teacher said, Honey I don't think that's your
name. You need to go to the principal's office and
get this straightened out.
So she went to the principal's office and he
asked, What's your name? And the little girl said,
Happy Butt.
The principal called the girl's mother to get this
straightened out once and for all. After getting
off the phone, he looked at the little girl and
said, Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.
The girl then exclaimed, Glad Ass, Happy Butt,
what's the difference?
wally2450
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The nuns at a small convent were happy to learn that an anonymous donor had left his modest estate to them. Each nun had been left $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit.
Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw.
As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he indeed looked poor.
She immediately left the convent and walked toward the man. He had obviously known better days. The good nun felt he had been sent by Heaven to receive her offering.
She pressed the $50 into the man's hands and said, "Godspeed, my good man."
As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?"
Shyly, she replied, "Sister Catherine Ann."
The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said.
The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. She's in the chapel. May I give her a message?"
"Yes," said the man gleefully. "Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed came in second at Belmont."
---------------------------
Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.His first friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says:"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious.The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw.
As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he indeed looked poor.
She immediately left the convent and walked toward the man. He had obviously known better days. The good nun felt he had been sent by Heaven to receive her offering.
She pressed the $50 into the man's hands and said, "Godspeed, my good man."
As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?"
Shyly, she replied, "Sister Catherine Ann."
The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said.
The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. She's in the chapel. May I give her a message?"
"Yes," said the man gleefully. "Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed came in second at Belmont."
---------------------------
Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.His first friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says:"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious.The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
wally2450
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wally2450
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You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...
1.
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's
Angels motorcyclists.
2.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that
your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
3.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
4.
Your birthday cake collapses from weight of the
candles.
5.
When the doctor tells you are in fine health for
someone twice your age.
6.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to
buy it.
7.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the
company office party.
8.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
9.
The bird singing outside your window is a
vulture.
10.
People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
11.
Your blind date turns out to be your
ex-wife/husband.
12.
You put both contacts into the same eye.
13.
Your mother approves of the person you're
dating.
14.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to
chocolate.
15.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to
pay your MasterCard.
16.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
17.
You start to put on the clothes that you wore
home from the party last night...... and there
aren't any.
18.
The health inspector condemns your office
coffee maker.
19.
You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
20.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your
money when she sees your future.
1.
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's
Angels motorcyclists.
2.
You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that
your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
3.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
4.
Your birthday cake collapses from weight of the
candles.
5.
When the doctor tells you are in fine health for
someone twice your age.
6.
It costs more to fill up your car than it did to
buy it.
7.
Everyone avoids you the morning after the
company office party.
8.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
9.
The bird singing outside your window is a
vulture.
10.
People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
11.
Your blind date turns out to be your
ex-wife/husband.
12.
You put both contacts into the same eye.
13.
Your mother approves of the person you're
dating.
14.
Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to
chocolate.
15.
You have to borrow from your Visa card to
pay your MasterCard.
16.
Nothing you own is actually paid for.
17.
You start to put on the clothes that you wore
home from the party last night...... and there
aren't any.
18.
The health inspector condemns your office
coffee maker.
19.
You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
20.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your
money when she sees your future.
wally2450
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wally2450
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A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her
cat. "I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She
looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's
never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash."
The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her
pregnancy. "But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's
impossible." At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the
sofa. "How about him?" asked the vet. "Don't be silly," answered the
woman. "That's her brother."
cat. "I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She
looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's
never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash."
The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her
pregnancy. "But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's
impossible." At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the
sofa. "How about him?" asked the vet. "Don't be silly," answered the
woman. "That's her brother."
Succulent-one
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GRANDMA WISDOM
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year old woman for most of her life
finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a
list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he
realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could
possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that
my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year old woman for most of her life
finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a
list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he
realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could
possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that.
But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that
my 16 year old granddaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
Succulent-one
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No matter what Moshe did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize, and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help, and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife, and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home, and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel. The wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:
"You see, you schmuck, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize, and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help, and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
"Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife, and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home, and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife, and the husband waves the towel. The wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:
"You see, you schmuck, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"
wally2450
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Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and
pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend
buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, darn, my boyfriend is buying
me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says,
"What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The red head
says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me
flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on
my back with my legs in the air" The blonde says, "Don't you have a
vase?"
pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend
buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, darn, my boyfriend is buying
me flowers again." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says,
"What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The red head
says, "Oh sure, but he always has expectations after giving me
flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on
my back with my legs in the air" The blonde says, "Don't you have a
vase?"
wally2450
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Three Holy Men and a Bear
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served
as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan
University in Marquette. They would get together two or
three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another,
and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go
out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt
to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,
went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to
find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to
him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to
do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as
gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL,
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and
I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear
from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do
with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.
We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and
BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he
became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the
day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the
rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a
body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running
in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The
Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served
as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan
University in Marquette. They would get together two or
three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another,
and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go
out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt
to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their
experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on
crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,
went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to
find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to
him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to
do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as
gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to
give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL,
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and
I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear
from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do
with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.
We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another
until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and
BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he
became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the
day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the
rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a
body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running
in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The
Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it,
circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
wally2450
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Why do American 18-year-olds take sex education courses?
So they can learn what they've been doing wrong for the past five
years.
"So I told my ex, 'You just don't arouse me!'" "Well, that's pretty
forthright! What did he say?" "He said, 'Well, maybe you have a dry
well!'" "Oh!" "It was all right. I told him, 'Maybe you need a new
drill!'"
So they can learn what they've been doing wrong for the past five
years.
"So I told my ex, 'You just don't arouse me!'" "Well, that's pretty
forthright! What did he say?" "He said, 'Well, maybe you have a dry
well!'" "Oh!" "It was all right. I told him, 'Maybe you need a new
drill!'"
wally2450
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Succulent-one
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work....You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy... "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie." What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says.."I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF*** He was turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached
His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work....You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy... "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie." What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says.."I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF*** He was turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached
wally2450
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It's like magic. When you live by yourself,
all your annoying habits are gone.
==========================
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a
package from her Mom and her sisters. Out
came a beauty case containing many samples
of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a
tackle box, it was a beauty kit. My daughter
proceeded to open it
up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow,
rouge, and other cosmetics.
At this point I leaned over to my wife and
whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box.
Just look at all those lures."
====================================
I WAS interviewing a jeweler for a story
I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry,
and I asked him to tell me about his most
memorable client. "It was a divorced woman
who had me make a pair of earrings from her
inscribed wedding band," he recalled.
"One earring read, 'with all' and the other,
'my love.' "When I asked why she had wanted
it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me
the next time anyone said that to me, to let it
go in one ear and out the other.'
all your annoying habits are gone.
==========================
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a
package from her Mom and her sisters. Out
came a beauty case containing many samples
of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a
tackle box, it was a beauty kit. My daughter
proceeded to open it
up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow,
rouge, and other cosmetics.
At this point I leaned over to my wife and
whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box.
Just look at all those lures."
====================================
I WAS interviewing a jeweler for a story
I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry,
and I asked him to tell me about his most
memorable client. "It was a divorced woman
who had me make a pair of earrings from her
inscribed wedding band," he recalled.
"One earring read, 'with all' and the other,
'my love.' "When I asked why she had wanted
it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me
the next time anyone said that to me, to let it
go in one ear and out the other.'
Succulent-one
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Georgraphy of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,
self-preserving but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN.
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran,
Ruled by a prick.
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada,
self-preserving but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN.
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran,
Ruled by a prick.
